Tag Archives: humor

This is How I Harass Family Members Into Coming to my Shows

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Yesterday I sent a barrage of texts to my sister yesterday trying to get her and her friends out to a show I was in because I got a cut of the door and I’m broke. Since I just learned how to take screengrabs with my phone I can post them on here like I’m some fancy pants flavor of the week tumblr! Here you go –


















I then told her that the only birthday present I wanted was her attendance at my birthday roast at the Comedy Corner Underground. That and maybe a $3 Subway gift card. Subway mailed me a $2 gift card and I can’t get a sandwich with just $2.

Dumb Racists For Obama

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I’ve seen this photo being shared around facebook a lot lately –



Did you need to use the confederate…. whatever.




In fact, if you google it, you can find a surprising amount of stars-n’-bars support for Obama –



The south shall rise again! Until then, vote Obama!




Obama at a campaign stop in Cousinlove, AL.





I can just imagine Jeff Foxworthy hunched over a notebook scribbling “If you’re in favor of a public health care option…”


The furthest I could trace back that first sign is from a politico article in 2008. In fact, all of the images are from around the time of his first campaign. I even found a blog called obamaredneck.com and all their posts are from 2008 and 2009 (there’s really not much there. The last few posts are about Ted Nugent’s latest book, mercury in fish and legalizing pot). How did I miss out on this seemingly huge base of redneck fans? And why do they keep having to use the Confederate Flag image in all their stuff?


I know that there’s an ongoing debate on the whole Confederate Flag thing. There are some who think that it’s a racist symbol. An image linked to the Confederacy, which seceded from the U.S. when Abraham Lincoln was elected because he campaigned for ceasing the expansion of slavery. Then there’s the racists who use it because they don’t like black people and shout “IT’S ABOUT STATE’S RIGHTS” when they get called on their bullshit.



Seriously, if you think the Confederate Flag isn’t steeped in racism then you’re either just dumb or you’re dumb and also racist.



I remember a few months ago when West St. Paul Councilman Ed Hansen made news for hanging a confederate flag in his backyard that said “redneck” (he subsequently took it down). From the article – “He sees the flag as a symbol of free speech and individual liberty.” The only way the Confederate Flag is connected to free speech is if you want to be free to yell “work harder, boy!” at a black guy that you’re making work for no pay.



As far as the “State’s rights” argument goes. Ask somebody who uses that argument which state’s rights they’re talking about. If they don’t have an answer (which they probably don’t), here’s one from the wikipedia page for state’s rights –



Supporters of slavery often argued that one of the rights of the states was the protection of slave property wherever it went, a position endorsed by the U.S. Supreme Court in the 1857 Dred Scott decision. In contrast, opponents of slavery argued that the non-slave-states’ rights were violated both by that decision and by the Fugitive Slave Law of 1850. Exactly which—and whose—states’ rights were the casus belli in the Civil War remain in controversy.



So basically the Rednecks for Obama are saying that ideally, he’d be a slave but since that can’t happen they’ll settle for President.

VOTE.

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Hello. As some of you may know I am running for an office. I have spent many years as an activist fighting for change in things and I think it’s time I took the fight to the political arena at some level. My message is simple.



There are problems.



Some things are not good and I think it’s time that we as a group of people said “that’s not right”. We face problems everyday. Sometimes we only face them occasionally and certain problems we only have to deal with once or twice. I am here to say that bad things are not O.K. and I will work tirelessly to ensure that these things are made less bad, eliminated or changed into good things.



This will not be easy most of the time. Sometimes it will be easy. No matter the degree of difficulty or time required, I will see to it that after I have done what is needed, the things I have worked on will be better.



My opponent thinks everything is alright. That things are “good enough”. Well, I say that he or she is wrong and, in fact, sometimes things are really bad.



Please, vote for me sometime. If elected, I promise to use the power of whatever office I am in to make sure that various problems are either no longer problems or at least smaller problems.



I’m Bill Young and I approve whatever this is.

Reagan’s Blood For Sale!

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That’s right! Somebody out there claims to have a vial of Reagan’s blood and currently has it up for auction! The auction is going on until Thursday and bidding is at approx. $12,000 right now.


The seller claimed that he got the vial from his mother, who worked at the hospital where the former president was treated after the failed assassination attempt. Fans of the Gipper are outraged that this guy is selling the blood (blood money is only cool with Reaganites if it’s a metaphor but the guy selling the blood said that when he was asked to donate it to the Reagan Library “I told him that I didn’t think that was something that I was going to consider,” he wrote. “… I was a real fan of Reaganomics and felt that President Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating”.



Now I’m aware most of my readers are eccentric millionaires who have the money to spend on such an odd relic but what can you do with a vial of Reagan’s blood? Here’s a few suggestions –


* Make 93 perfect clones of Reagan and spread them around the world, hoping one of them will grow up to Become Reagan and bring Reaganomics and monkey movies back to the world.

* Impress the hell out of Jodie Foster.

* Create a potion that makes people ignore AIDS.

* Drink the blood and gain all the powers of Reagan by becoming The Reaganator!



Bristling with rocket pods, Gatling guns and cannon, The latest in technology to slay the foes of Mammon




You can bid for the vial of blood here. Good luck!

CONvergence Cosplay Bingo Board Episode 2: Attack of the Cosplay Bingo Board.

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Last year I went to CONvergence to tell some jokes at some shows, help out with a room party and drink myself into an ulcer (true story!). A week before the convention I came up with the idea of a cosplay bingo board. The rules were simple. See the costume, check the box.



People got “bingo” in fifteen minutes walking around. The name of the game last year was coverall.




A friend printed up a bunch of them and delivered them to the Stand Up! Records party room and we distributed them freely. They were gone within a couple of hours. People seemed to like it.



This year we’re bringing the bingo board back but bigger, bolder and badder (I don’t know what happened there. I just started alliterating)! I’ll actually take some time to make it a little easier on the eyes (i.e. more than just a screengrab of a spreadsheet) and I’m hoping to do multiple versions of the board to make it more like actual bingo. This is where I need your help.



Leave a comment below with an idea for a convergence cosplay bingo board square. We’ll be using some of the squares from last year and I’ll come up with some more on my own but I’m looking to make enough for multiple boards. The only rule here is to not be a dick. I ain’t throwing any “guy who obviously lives with his mom” squares on the board. We want to make something everybody can play and I’d rather not piss anybody off or make them feel bad (except furries. They’re fair game).



With that one rule in mind, be creative! The biggest complaint last year is that the board was too easy to fill so please feel free to do something obscure or a combination (Star Trek character hanging out with Star Wars character).


Let’s get started. I look forward to seeing your comments!

Ugh. Country Music: The Craigslist Job Postings Continue!

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In my ongoing quest to take my writing skills and translate them into jobs I find on craigslist, I came across this one looking for bloggers! I’m technically a blogger (don’t tell anybody but I’m unlicensed) so let’s see what we can do!



Country Music Blog Writer (Stillwater, MN)

Do you like country music? Do you find yourself following the news and social media of people involved in country music? We are looking for someone to hunt down and scoop all things country music. Must have good writing/blogging skills and must be extremely reliable, professional and able to work on a deadline. Please respond with a writing sample, resume and a little bit about yourself. Part time 2-3 hours a day.

Location: Stillwater, MN
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: per diem
PostingID: 3018956683


Oh, man. This one’s going to be hard for me. It’s common knowledge that I’m an awesome writer but this subject will be challenging because I don’t listen to country music because I hate country music. I can’t stand it. I think it’s terrible.



Shit. I need the money so let’s do this. Since I don’t listen to country music I’ll have to see what’s popular. Upon googling “new country music” I went to CMT’s website and saw all the “hot new artists”. One of which was Kip Moore who has the new hit single… Oh Jesus Christ… “Somethin’ Bout a Truck”.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YfNFR6gh2E&w=560&h=315]



Reading the comments on the CMT website people are generally pleased with the video. Almost all the comments talk about how trucks are awesome (one lamented that the truck should have been a Ford) and to quote one comment “Glad to see this song doing so well on the charts! If you’ve never had fun in a truck in a cornfield, then you ain’t living, there’s somethin’ bout a truck!”.



Reading the comments on the youtube video (had to go to youtube for the embedable vid) and everybody’s just commenting about how race mixing is destroying the white race but those comments are pretty much on every youtube video so we’ll just ignore that.



Alright. Time to write a review of this video.



Kip Moore scores a home run (or touchdown. Whichever sport country fans like more) with his new video “Somethin’ Bout a Truck”. This song has it all! Trucks, attractive women, beer, cornfields and creeks! While this song certainly could have benefited from having a faithful dog and a show of appreciation to the troops fighting for us overseas, Kip Moore really captures the fun of drinking beer with an attractive woman while sitting in the back of a truck in a rural setting.

My favorite part about the song is it’s timelessness. You could literally have written this song 90 years ago and not have to change a single lyric! That quality is perfect for country music. Showing through song a portrait of an America that has never changed and never will.


Yee haw!

There’s something about that… A certain “je ne sais quoi”

Marijuana: The Most Dangerous Thing Ever.

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A group in Colorado is pushing for the legalization of recreational marijuana use. The group, according to their website regulatemarijuana.org, wants to “regulate marijuana like alcohol”. By use of billboards intentionally parked over the seediest of liquor stores –



The wine racks at that place are stocked exclusively with Night Train and MD 20/20





and tv commercials –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCVc_kLfjMg&w=420&h=315]


trying to put a relatable face on the issue because I guess this guy wasn’t winning over a lot of voters –



Legalize it, man! You’ll wear shitty necklaces and never wash your hair again!





They’re whole campaign is based on the idea that marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol. While there are nearly 40,000 alcohol related deaths in America each year the fact is that marijuana, also know as Blunt, dope, ganja, grass, herb, joint, bud, Mary Jane, pot, reefer, green, trees, smoke, sinsemilla, skunk, weed, hash, tea, chronic, 420 (source: abovetheinfluence.com) has a lot of dangerous and fatal side effects that people rarely talk about. Let’s look at some of the risks you’re taking when you smoke “reefer”.


*Cheeto Overdose: When under the influence of “sinsemilla”, people often disregard the “dangerously cheesy” warning on the label and snack with abandon.

* Over-appreciation of Pink Floyd: Have you ever listened to Pink Floyd? I mean, like, really listened to Pink Floyd? I don’t think you get it. You really need to just listen to what Pink Floyd is saying and you’ll get it, man. You’ll get it.

*Increased Tolerance of Jim Breuer: If you find this funny, call a doctor immediately.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dq2EIPLmoeY&w=560&h=315]


For more information on the dangers of marijuana, contact a stuffy authority figure.

Fox News… I don’t… Jesus Christ, Fox News… Goddamnit.

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I’ll usually check out the front page of all the major news sites every morning. I’d love to say that it’s because I like to stay informed on what’s going on in the world but really I’m just looking for stories to make fun of for the blog. I’ll start with CNN, go on to MSNBC and then Fox News.



I know Fox can be biased but they’re still a news organization and a lot of their web content is just slightly aggregated AP and Reuters stuff. Most of their heavily biased stuff is saved for their horrifying Fox Nation page anyway. You wouldn’t expect to see their most biased stuff on the front page, right?



Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Fucking wrong.



The headline fucking piece on foxnews.com today is a bullshit non-story about how the white house added links to the end of presidential biographies. So, after a president’s bio on the white house website they added a new section called “Did you know?” Here’s the one for BushII –



Did you know?

In 2002, President George W. Bush’s State of the Union was the first to be live broadcast on the Internet. In 2011 and 2012, President Obama’s State of the Union speeches were available in an enhanced live stream version that featured infographics, charts and data side-by-side in real time with the President’s speech.
In 2009, former President Bush partnered with 42nd President Clinton to help rebuild Haiti, after the country was devastated by an earthquake.



Okay, a slightly political but incredibly benign move. Here’s that story with a little Fox News sprinkled on it.



Goddamnit.





Click the link to the article page and the headline reads “White House under fire for adding Obama policy plugs to past presidents’ bios”. Read the article and you find out who he’s under fire from. Bloggers. There’s a tumblr set up to make fun of him. No other news organization has reported on this and no other politician has questioned his motives. It’s nothing and they’re pretty much lying about it. To read the headline and see the picture you’d think he was altering FDR’s bio to say Obama helped win WW2.



Well of course Fox News pulls this incredibly partisan bullshit but we all know that’s how they play. Who takes everything Fox News says at face value?



PEOPLE WHO READ FOXNEWS.COM DO. THEY’RE FUCKING IDIOTS.



This was honestly the first comment I saw when I read the article.



cobrajet69 0 minutes ago
This just shows that Obama is Mentally ill, cut & pasting his picture with people he didn’t even know……this is not normal behavior



You know he didn’t… that was actually Fox News who… which they shouldn’t even have done in… forget it.


Don’t even bother trying to read the other comments. If these people bash Obama when the article has nothing to do with him you can only imagine what they say when an article outright attacks him. I saw the term “porch monkey” in no less than five comments and one guy called him “GAYBAMA”.


Goddamnit, Fox News.

One Weird Trick to Get a Bunch of Strange Pervy Shut-Ins to Read Your Blog

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Way back in 2011, when Michele Bachmann seemed unstoppable in her quest for the Republican presidential nomination and everybody was talking about this new fad called “the facebook”, I wrote a blog about stupid banner ads. Here was one of the ads I successfully skewered with my rapier wit –



stupid ad, consider yourself made fun of!





After a while, some search engine hits came in looking for “the girl from the one weird trick ad” or some close variation. I eventually did a blog about all the attention Dreadlock McHigheyes was getting. One of my friends found out she’s actually a German stock photo model known only as colorful woman.


Since then I have been getting way too many search engine hits of people looking for this girl. Don’t believe me? Here’s a screengrab from one day–



Don’t worry about that “cockfack” search. Different recurring blog.




It’s recently come to where the people are actually commenting about her. Sometimes they wish I had more info about her –



She is beautiful, colorful, pierced, I checked on the links you provided and that is her stock photo alright but nothing about who she is! Does she live near me? Does she have a boyfriend? Has she ever done adult film? We need to know these things! (protip: If one of your questions for a girl is “have you ever done an adult film?” you don’t need to know if she has a boyfriend because she won’t talk to you after that question).



Some are downright angry that I have the wrong “one weird trick” model –



I have checked on the somnipure model about six times (though Im not the everyday guy but you must be exagerrating anyways or the number would be more than thirty).
I seriously doubt you have the right model. That is one nasty looking girl and something happened to her hair.
I would gladly send you a pic but not sure it would do me any good. You could certainly benefit from using a bit more brainpower when making silly blog entries. They do have about five different models; why assume its that freakazoid?



That actually happened. My writing was insulted by a guy stalking girls from internet banner ads. I don’t know how to feel about that.


Well, it can’t be stopped so as long as you pervs are here I hope you get a few laughs reading my blogs about hotel shower caps and making fun of Mitt Romney. Good luck with your creepy obsessions!

Man vs. Goose and Also Some Old Fat Ladies in a Minivan

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We all have those moments in our lives that we wish we could have done over. A situation where we could have handled something more gracefully or said something more clever –



The jerk store called. They’re running out of you!





This is one of those stories.



Yesterday Jena, Jared (my stepson), my sister, her husband and I all carpooled down to Little Canada to hang out with my mom for Mother’s day. Mom wanted to go to Culver’s for lunch but there wasn’t enough room in the car for everybody so Jena, the boy and I walked there as it was only a few blocks away and if I was going to eat at a place that calls their hamburgers “Butterburgers” I might want to get some exercise.



As we were walking towards Culver’s we came across some geese strutting down the street like they were a bunch of cows in India.



Buncha arrogant pricks.





I think we can all agree that geese are jerks. They’re loud, they’ll walk down the middle of any street like they own it, they shit all over little league baseball fields and they fight people with lightsabers for no reason.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKyu0NlnnWQ&w=420&h=315]


Geese suck so I figured it would be of no consequence when I turned to Jena and said “Gimme a sec. I’m gonna go chase a goose for a bit.” She gave me the standard “you’re such a child” and off I went to go bother a goose for a few seconds.



The aim here is neither to catch or hit the goose. I honestly don’t know what I’d do with a goose if I caught it and I don’t want to hurt it. The goose has not personally wronged me and frankly I’m outnumbered. The boy would be no good in a fight and the wife wouldn’t back me up merely on principle. I just want to chase the goose to the point where it flies away. I don’t know why but if he flies away, I win. That’s how the game is played. I don’t make the rules (actually I do).



I start by walking towards the goose. Goose sees what’s going on and starts casually walking away from me like I’m no big threat, he just wants to go over there now. I pick up the pace to show I mean business and the goose starts walking a little faster and more deliberately. My stride becomes that of a light jog and the goose starts flapping his wings as he walks away as if to say “hey, buddy. Don’t make me fly away because I will fly away SO HARD”. Once I get that wing warning it’s full sprint, waving my arms above my head like a madman and shouting “HEY, GOOSE!” The goose flies away to a nearby pond and I make my way back towards the Culver’s parking lot. I win. Fuck you, goose.



Right as I start walking back I notice a car stopped on the street about fifty feet away from me. A woman was sticking her head out of the driver’s side rear window and yelling “HEY, JACKASS!”. I turned to her and she screamed “DONT YA HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN CHASE A BUNCH OF GEESE AROUND?”



I politely hollered back “Uh, not really!” and started walking toward Jena. The woman continued to scream “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, BOTHERING INNOCENT GEESE LIKE THAT. YOU’RE SETTING A HORRIBLE EXAMPLE FOR YOUR SON.”



I’m seriously confused at this point. Are they actually mad at me for chasing a goose? I look at Jena and she’s crouched over holding her stomach and laughing hysterically. The woman in the car screeched “WHY DON’T YOU CHASE YOUR WIFE, INSTEAD?”



I start to run towards Jena but she doesn’t move, she’s too busy trying not to collapse from her laughter. I turned to the woman in the car and said “See, I chase her but she doesn’t run away. It’s not the same!” Another woman shouted from the driver’s window “YOU’RE PATHETIC, YA JACKASS!” and I gather up the wife and kid to just wait inside Culver’s for everybody else to show up.



As soon as I step inside Culver’s I regret not engaging those women more. It’s just really weird, having a stranger yell at you for something you don’t think would make anybody mad. Pile on the fact that I was a little light headed for running for five seconds and I was in no shape to go toe to toe with those ladies but as soon as I’m away from the situation I start thinking of all the things I could have said and done to make it funnier.



I pull out my phone and set the camera to video mode, thinking if she’s still out there I’d interview her and throw it up on youtube or the blog but everybody else shows up, we order our food and sit down.



To make things even weirder as we sat, chatted and ate I saw her car in the same exact spot for a half hour. I don’t know if they were waiting for me to come out because they thought of the perfect thing to say or what but I kept my phone at the ready in case they burst in and started chasing me around shouting “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, JACKASS?”


They were gone by the time we had finished the meal. I regret not going back out there to film them. I regret not chasing more geese just to piss them off. I just have to make sure I don’t let the regret eat at me. I’d hate to spend the next several weekends chasing geese around the Little Canada Culver’s like Costanza digging into a bucket of shrimp in hopes that those weird ladies show up to yell at me again.