Tag Archives: health

Mexico is Fatter Than us?

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Growing up I was always told that while us Americans think we’re the best at everything, we’re actually far behind other countries in many aspects. 13th in education, 33rd in life expectancy. As I got older, I learned the only things I could ever rely on America being number 1 at were CEO pay, imprisonment rate and obesity.



Turns out even that absolute is being turned on it’s head because Mexico has passed us as the fattest country in the world.



But… that’s our thing. We’re America.



The McGuire twins. Joint secretaries of state from 1971-1978

The McGuire twins. Joint secretaries of state from 1971-1978





There’s just no way Mexico can be fatter than us. Cheap Mexican labor is one of the things that helped us become the fattest and laziest country on earth. Mexican immigrants sweat and toil in the kitchens of our all-you-can-eat-buffets so we can shove greasy fat into our gullets as fast as possible! How did they surpass us?



I have a couple of theories.



1: The Doritos Locos Taco.



Personally I'm a softshell only guy. Make that a double decker and we'll talk.

Personally I’m a softshell only guy. Make that a double decker and we’ll talk.





Over 500 million Doritos Locos tacos have been sold since their inception. While some of those sales can be attributed to Americans we can all agree that most of those were probably bought by Mexicans since Taco Bell is Mexican cuisine.



2: Republican conspiracy.



Conservatives would love nothing more than Mexicans to stop crossing the border illegally into the United States. Rather than trying to help improve the conditions of their home country or making the legal path to citizenship more attractive and illegal occupation less attractive, they claim the only way to stem the tide is by building a wall or something.



You know what’s easier than building a wall and more profitable? Selling Mexicans so much junk food in Mexico that they get way too fat to hop a fence or swim the Rio Grande on their own.



Smuggling via transport would be harder as well since fewer people would fit in a truck and when the border guard stopped them all the panting and wheezing would tip them off.



The only flaw in this nefatious (that was originally a typo but I left it because it totally fit) scheme is that once the heart attack rates in Mexico skyrocket, they’re going to try to find a way to trim down and what better way to drop some pounds and make some money than to do some landscaping work in the Estados Unidos? The immigration problem will take on a whole new chubby, sweaty face as illegal day labor will be the biggest Mexican workout craze of the decade. If you thought Walmart parking lots had a lot of fat people before…



Well, at least we still have the most people in jail. Nobody’ll ever take that from us. USA! USA!

And Just What Was He Expecting?

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Gentlemen, listen up. This could save your life. No shit.

Here’s the full story: A guy by the handle of CappnPoopdeck posts a “rage comic” (note- I’m old an un-hip. I just don’t get rage comics) to Reddit. The comic, shown below, poorly drawn as all rage comics are (I think this is my issue with them. How lazy. Put a little pride into your art. Spend some time on it. Make it worth it. It just makes me so angry!!!) ANYWAY, the comic shows a guy finding a pregnancy test, pissing on it, and getting a positive result, to which he declares that he is pregnant.

Is he the father or the mother?

Ha ha. Funny funny. Everyone knows that dudes can’t get pregnant. That test is bogus, he’s not really pregnant, and what a good laugh.

Only, Reddit’s not laughing.

The post starts getting comments about how how a man getting a positive result on a pregnancy test could indicate that he has testicular cancer. What a pregnancy test measures is “human chorionic gonadotrophin” or “hCG.” This is a hormone given off by trophoblast cells that enable the embryo to attach itself to the uterus. Apparently, the cells that start testicular, uterine, and some forms of ovarian cancer are almost indistinguishable from trophoblast cells. This causes the hCG hormone to be produced, and therefore readable on a pregnancy test.

**We at YoungNotions would like to remind the reader that we are only doctors in the fake way people call themselves doctors and not in anyway capable of making diagnosiseses or giving out any kind of medical advice whatsoever. We would also like to state that a negative reading does not mean you don’t have cancer. If you are in doubt as to your medical condition, PLEASE go see a doctor. We like having readers.**

Science is fucking fascinating, kids.

Anyway, CappnPoopdeck had created the comic about his friend. He told his friend to get checked out, and the doctor discovered early testicular cancer that they were able to take care of the same day. CappnPoopdeck’s follow up comic is posted below.

Reddit saves lives.

On a completely unrelated note, I just bought stock in EPT.

I’m So Goddamn Fat.

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I’ve been fat for a really long time. As an adult I’ve bounced around between 220-250 pounds. My weight fluctuation usually follows a pattern of –


1. Do something strenuous that leaves me gasping for air (shovel the diveway, help a friend move, play a game of kickball, run a half block).

2. Decide to weigh myself after anybody who saw me do the strenuous activity asks if I’m okay and comments how my entire head turned purple during said strenuous activity.

3. Realize that I’m really fat and start working out / dieting. Drop 25 – 30 pounds.

4. Slowly gain weight back, go back to step one.


This cycle usually repeats itself every year or so but the cycle was broken when my bathroom scale died and I didn’t bother getting a new one. We all know ignoring a problem makes the problem go away and as long as I can still tie my own shoes I figured I’m fine. Then I got arrested.


One of the many things they didn’t tell me during the booking process is that at one point I stood on a scale. There was no scale to be seen so I guess it was some cleverly hidden floor thing that weighed me while I got my mugshot. Why don’t they tell you? Were too many self conscious fat people holding up the line by asking to take their pants and shirt off to make sure that the scale gets an accurate reading? Whatever the reason, I found out when my weight was listed on the bracelet they gave me.


268 pounds.



Holy shit that’s the fattest I’ve ever been. That’s weird, though. I don’t think I look that different. Check it out –

Maybe it's all beard weight.





That doesn’t look much different than when I was 30 pounds lighter. The jail scale’s gotta be off or something. That’s it. Probably wasn’t calibrated right.



Wait. What happens if I tilt the angle a bit and move my chin down a little?

Holy shit! Kevin Spacey's gonna make me eat until I die!




AAAAHHH!


Alright. I think it might be time to go back on a diet and start exercising. Dieting’s never easy for me. I eat like a pig. Here’s some of the biggest reasons for why I look like the mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.


Peanut Butter

I actually buy Roundy's Peanut Butter because I'm poor but they don't have any images on google image search so here you go.





I fucking love eating peanut butter so much. The amount of peanut butter I put on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is pretty disgusting. I’ve used up to a fifth of a jar on a sandwich and I usually make two sandwiches or more. One time I made a hotdog and wondered what it would taste like if I spread peanut butter on the bun. I didn’t follow through with it but the fact that I even thought about it is a little disturbing. Sometimes I take flour tortillas (the giant Chipotle burrito sized ones) and just make a peanut butter and jelly burrito.


Snack Cakes

"Do you eat the icing first or the cake first?" I shove the whole thing in my mouth when nobody's looking and cry.





The picture is of a Hostess cupcake but I’ll eat any brand. Dolly Madison, Mrs. Freshly’s, Entenmann’s, whatever. I’ll take whatever the gas station is selling. I’ll get a package of these anytime I stop at a gas station for any reason. If I’m at a grocery store I’ll get the 12 pack and pretend like they’re for the whole family but Jena and Jared are usually lucky if they get two snack cakes a piece before I have devoured them all. I don’t even bother trying to blame somebody else for eating them all. Whatever. I’m fat. Consider yourself lucky you got two.



Beer
This has become less of an issue recently as I’m finding that I can’t really handle my beer as well the next day (beer shits. I might have a mild gluten allergy or something) but a six pack of beer will cost you 1000-1300 calories, depending on how tasty the beer is (tastier = more calories).


Those are the three main things I need to cut out (I’m aware that I have to eat healthier in general, but these are the main three accomplices to my mantits). My ultimate goal is to not have a Kevin Smith experience when I board a plane in April. Fingers crossed!