Tag Archives: GOP

Move Over, Todd Akin! There’s Somehow an Even Crazier Republican Running for Office!

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His name is Charlie Fuqua and he’s running for the Arkansas House of Representatives!



Even though he’s running for a state level position, his campaign has received national attention because he literally wants to kick all the Muslims out of the country and give parents the power to kill their children if they act up.


Seriously. He actually believes those things. He even wrote a book called “God’s Law”. You can buy it on Amazon. In the book he talks about how ‘Merikuh’s goin’ ta hell and biblical principals are the only thing to get us back on the right track. “The founding fathers of the United States were immersed in biblical teachings and principles, and they employed them in the construction of our governmental and economic systems” said the book about a bunch of Deists so against Theocracy they wrote an amendment in the constitution preventing religion and government intermingling too much.



A flag and a cross together? If Chuck Norris saw this he’d shit an entire Bald Eagle.





He even says that parents should be able to kill their kids if they’re rebellious. “The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21:
This passage does not give parents blanket authority to kill their children. They must follow the proper procedure in order to have the death penalty executed against their children.”



He also says we should kick all the Muslims out but that’s pretty par for the course for these assholes so I’m not going to waste any time harping on that.



Okay. I know there’s some righties that read this. Please explain this guy. He’s running on the Republican ticket. He got the rubber stamp from the state party. How the fuck did this one happen? I mean, I get Bachmann and Akin. I don’t like either of them but I understand why some people would vote for them. This Fuqua fuquer, on the other hand, just seems like a gross caricature of the worst aspects of Republican ideology and he still got the nomination. If the left equivalent of this guy came out with a book that recommended mandatory abortions and bans on same race marriage they’d never get the Democrat stamp of approval. Not even in California.



…okay maybe in California but probably not.

Phone Call to Clint Eastwood.

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“Hello, Clint? Hi, it’s me. Bob. Bob Newhart.



Thanks, I’m a huge fan of your work myself. Yes, I did see the speech last night, that’s actually what I’m calling about. No, I’m not asking to join your secret society of Hollywood conservatives but I’m glad to hear your organization is growing. There’s you, and you mentioned Jon Voight in your speech last night and…



Oh, that’s it? Well, it’s a start.



But, really, I-I really want to talk about the bit where you had the conversation with the President in the chair. Well, some might call it stealing, Clint.



It’s just that the one sided imaginary conversation is sort of my signature bit. For decades, actually.



Well I’m flattered that you consider me an “inspiration” for that part of your speech but you could at least try to get it right. For starters, I usually use a phone.



I disagree, it makes a big difference. See, when you’re on the phone, people can suspend their disbelief a bit and let themselves believe you’re actually having a conversation. It puts them at ease and allows the routine to flow better. When you’re addressing an empty chair onstage it just looks like you’re an old man suffering dementia who wandered into a convention center.



“YOU ALL SEE HIM, DON’T YOU? HE’S RIGHT THERE!”





The stammering didn’t help either. Yes, I know but when I do it it just makes me seem flustered and insecure. When an 82 year old man talking to a chair does it –



No, I do appreciate your dedication to being faithful to the bit, but… Well, if you really wanted to be faithful you could have tried to make it funny.



No, I saw the whole thing.



Yes, even the part where you said to the chair ‘No, I won’t shut up!’ It’s just, if you want to do this in a speech again, could you give me a call beforehand?



Oh, no. Not to help you write it. To tell you you can’t do it.



Thanks. Okay, I have to go. I’ve got Sir Walter Raleigh on hold.”

Five More Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies

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HuP (short for HuffPo, short for Huffington Post) Huffingtonposted an article yesterday entitled “9 Lies Republicans Tell About Women’s Bodies”. The article shows 9 myths that have sprung up rather recently in the GOP’s war on vaginas. While the list certainly brings to light the level of misinformation conservatives are willing to use to make a point, the list is far from complete. Here’s some more misleading statements, half-truths and outright lies the Republicans have said about women in the last couple of months.


1. “Chinese girls have sideways vaginas.” – Rick Santorum on Face the Nation.

This myth has been around for quite some time but the World Health Organization has stated that the vaginas of Chinese women are just like everybody else’s.


2. “Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars. Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” – Rush Limbaugh on The Rush Limbaugh Show.

To date, the Mars Rover has yet to find a single candy bar on the planet’s surface. As for Jupiter, the atmosphere of the gas giant is mainly comprised of hydrogen and helium. Breathing these gases can cause oxygen starvation to the brain so while a girl could get more stupider on Jupiter, not one female has ever visited the planet.


3. “We don’t need a condom, baby. Everybody knows you can’t get pregnant if you do it in a hot tub.” – Herman Cain in the hot tub at La Quinta Inn. Newark, NJ.

According to the internet you can totally get pregnant in a hot tub. Duh.


4. “That weird girl Ethel in Ms. Miller’s kindergarten class has cooties.” – Mitt Romney televised campaign ad.

While it’s kind of weird that her parents gave her an old lady name, there’s no such thing as cooties. Ethyl has lice.


5. “Almost 20% of fetuses survive abortion, growing up with a single goal in life. Revenge.” – Michele Bachmann, speaking to a bunch of terrified girl scouts around a camp fire moments before Marcus jumps out of the bushes in a giant fetus costume.

While there have been some cases of fetuses surviving late term abortions, there have been no recorded instances of revenge quests.



For more information on Republican views on women’s health, consult any 100 year old medical textbook.

The pic from the original huffpo article. Obviously a shop because the three of them talking at the same time would cause aneurysms in anybody listening.



P.S. Oh hey there’s only two days left to vote for the City Pages reader’s poll. You can vote for “best local blog”. I’m not saying that I think this blog is the best but you should vote for me because I’m incredibly insecure and if you don’t vote for me I’m going to STICK MY FINGER IN MY THROAT UNTIL I THROW UP BECAUSE I’M A FATTY FATASS. Thanks!