Tag Archives: exercise

Push up!

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For those of you who read this post or have seen me you may know that I’m a fat guy. Steps have been taken to make myself less fat but progress has been slow so I’ve decided to take extreme measures and make the ultimate sacrifice in my quest to live healthier. I’ve decided to start working out.


Working out is hard. I can’t afford a personal trainer or gym membership and Michelle Obama only cares about fat kids (why doesn’t she care about us fat adults?) but that doesn’t mean working out is impossible. If you can’t afford the Ivan Drago half of the Rocky IV training montage you just do the Rocky half.




Alright, it’ll probably be a while before I’m pulling people on sleds made from logs that i sawed myself but there’s still plenty of workouts I can do for free. If I want to do some cardio I’ll just go for a walk or bike ride. For strength training I can do push ups and sit ups.

In fact, there’s a website that shows you how to do the hundred push ups challenge. It’s a six week program designed to get you worked up to the point where you can crack off a hundred push ups in a row. That’s pretty badass. If I could do a hundred push ups in a row I think I’d show that skill off as often as possible. If I was talking to somebody about fitness and they asked what I do when I work out I would show them by doing a hundred push ups in a row. If somebody dropped their pen on the floor I’d be all like “oh here let me get that for you and do a hundred push ups while I’m down here.”


The program starts with an initial test where you do as many push ups as you can to determine where you should start in the program. If you can only do 1 or 2 you may need to do an extra week of work. If you can already do 100 why are you even starting this program? Yesterday morning I got on the floor for the initial test and I did 12 push ups.



That’s not a lot. It was seriously my limit, too. My armpits are sore this morning. 12? To make matters worse last week I emailed my bio to the guy who booked me for the Canada shows and this is what I sent him –



Bio:
Born in the wild, raised by wolves, trained by the government. Bill Young is the kind of comedian that writes jokes and then tells those jokes to you when he is on stage. His work has appeared in the Cannes International Film Festival twice and he recently headlined the Up and Comers Showcase at the Akumal Comedy Festival. Bill Young can do over 20 push ups.


Shit. What if I’m up there and they ask me to prove it? Everybody knows it’s illegal to lie in Canada! I might get deported or get a beat down from a bunch of Mounties carrying whatever their equivalent to billy clubs are (hockey sticks?).



Alright. This program is supposed to get me to 100 pushups in 6 weeks. Hopefully I can get to 20 in four weeks.


Ugh. Losing weight sucks. I’m gonna rent Heavy Weights on Netflix and eat a jar of peanut butter.

Remember Heavy Weights? It’s actually a really funny movie. Judd Apatow wrote it. No lie.

I’m So Goddamn Fat.

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I’ve been fat for a really long time. As an adult I’ve bounced around between 220-250 pounds. My weight fluctuation usually follows a pattern of –


1. Do something strenuous that leaves me gasping for air (shovel the diveway, help a friend move, play a game of kickball, run a half block).

2. Decide to weigh myself after anybody who saw me do the strenuous activity asks if I’m okay and comments how my entire head turned purple during said strenuous activity.

3. Realize that I’m really fat and start working out / dieting. Drop 25 – 30 pounds.

4. Slowly gain weight back, go back to step one.


This cycle usually repeats itself every year or so but the cycle was broken when my bathroom scale died and I didn’t bother getting a new one. We all know ignoring a problem makes the problem go away and as long as I can still tie my own shoes I figured I’m fine. Then I got arrested.


One of the many things they didn’t tell me during the booking process is that at one point I stood on a scale. There was no scale to be seen so I guess it was some cleverly hidden floor thing that weighed me while I got my mugshot. Why don’t they tell you? Were too many self conscious fat people holding up the line by asking to take their pants and shirt off to make sure that the scale gets an accurate reading? Whatever the reason, I found out when my weight was listed on the bracelet they gave me.


268 pounds.



Holy shit that’s the fattest I’ve ever been. That’s weird, though. I don’t think I look that different. Check it out –

Maybe it's all beard weight.





That doesn’t look much different than when I was 30 pounds lighter. The jail scale’s gotta be off or something. That’s it. Probably wasn’t calibrated right.



Wait. What happens if I tilt the angle a bit and move my chin down a little?

Holy shit! Kevin Spacey's gonna make me eat until I die!




AAAAHHH!


Alright. I think it might be time to go back on a diet and start exercising. Dieting’s never easy for me. I eat like a pig. Here’s some of the biggest reasons for why I look like the mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.


Peanut Butter

I actually buy Roundy's Peanut Butter because I'm poor but they don't have any images on google image search so here you go.





I fucking love eating peanut butter so much. The amount of peanut butter I put on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is pretty disgusting. I’ve used up to a fifth of a jar on a sandwich and I usually make two sandwiches or more. One time I made a hotdog and wondered what it would taste like if I spread peanut butter on the bun. I didn’t follow through with it but the fact that I even thought about it is a little disturbing. Sometimes I take flour tortillas (the giant Chipotle burrito sized ones) and just make a peanut butter and jelly burrito.


Snack Cakes

"Do you eat the icing first or the cake first?" I shove the whole thing in my mouth when nobody's looking and cry.





The picture is of a Hostess cupcake but I’ll eat any brand. Dolly Madison, Mrs. Freshly’s, Entenmann’s, whatever. I’ll take whatever the gas station is selling. I’ll get a package of these anytime I stop at a gas station for any reason. If I’m at a grocery store I’ll get the 12 pack and pretend like they’re for the whole family but Jena and Jared are usually lucky if they get two snack cakes a piece before I have devoured them all. I don’t even bother trying to blame somebody else for eating them all. Whatever. I’m fat. Consider yourself lucky you got two.



Beer
This has become less of an issue recently as I’m finding that I can’t really handle my beer as well the next day (beer shits. I might have a mild gluten allergy or something) but a six pack of beer will cost you 1000-1300 calories, depending on how tasty the beer is (tastier = more calories).


Those are the three main things I need to cut out (I’m aware that I have to eat healthier in general, but these are the main three accomplices to my mantits). My ultimate goal is to not have a Kevin Smith experience when I board a plane in April. Fingers crossed!