Tag Archives: christmas

The Liberal’s Guide to Murdering Christmas: 2012 Edition.

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Well, it’s December so that means I’ve been very busy with my liberal friends trying to wage our war on Christmas. My nights have been filled with meetings with local reps from the ACLU, PETA, ADL and Planned Parenthood trying to brainstorm for ways to weaken Christmas even further. We’re trying to petition Congress to recognize the phrase “Merry Christmas” as hate speech but there’s little else we can do because Christmas has just become so… secular.



It’s hard to completely kill the holiday with our current battle plan because we’ve been attacking it as a religious holiday. We can use the First Amendment (the only Amendment that matters) to weaken Christmas on that front publicly but how do we take care of all of the many, many aspects of modern Christmas that have nothing to do with Christianity?



If we liberals are going to kill this holiday once and for all we need to think outside the organic, recycled, fair trade box. Here’s a few things we can do to start.


1: Santa’s Elves are non-union labor.
Nothing destroys a business quite like a union! Now, of course Santa’s elves aren’t real but just by injecting unionization of his labor force into the Christmas myth it will rattle the foundations of the whole story. We should probably make people call the elves something overly politically correct, too. Something along the lines of “Vertically Differentiated Polar Natives”.


2: Christmas trees are killing the environment
It’s hard, as a liberal, to attack something so tied to Paganism but it needs to happen if we’re going to get rid of Christmas. Real or fake, the use of Christmas trees are killing mother earth! The real ones chop down trees and the fake ones are made from plastic. To make it seem like we’re trying to be fair, offer some hideous alternative nobody will want like growing a potted soyplant to put the presents around and eating the soybeans with Christmas dinner.


3: Santa promotes childhood obesity.
Santa Claus promotes unhealthy lifestyles and unrealistic expectations. He tells kids you can live off of candy canes and cookies and live to be hundreds of years old.

Diabeetus.

Diabeetus.

Bonus: Try to get conservatives to hate Santa by saying he promotes socialism by giving away toys.


Okay, liberals. There’s the plan. Together we can finally murder this holiday. Namaste.

A Moving Christmas

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Christmas has passed, and while you’re thinking about or playing with all the shit you got, and while you’re sitting in your bathroom passing yesterday’s Christmas feast, I’d like you to take a moment to think on how shitty the holiday season can be.

Very specifically, I take you to Catalonia, where they have a Christmas tradition of feeding a log full of candy and nuts over the course of several days, and then beating it with a stick until all the candy is “pooed” out the logs “butt”. Known as Tió de Nadal (Christmas Log), or the less formal Caga tió (shit log), this log has a cartoon face, two legs, and is wrapped in a blanket that both acts to keep it warm, and provide a little privacy as it’s getting the shit beat out of him.

What is it with Spanish people beating things with sticks for candy?

On Christmas day, all the children gather ’round the log with sticks, and hit him while singing this song: “Shit log, shit turron, hazelnuts and cottage cheese, if you don’t shit well, I’ll hit you with a stick, shit log!” Then they remove the blanket to show the log’s shit, along with other presents left there by the Three Wise Men. Apparently after the Baby Jesus gig, the Three Wise Men took to delivering presents in Catalonia. It *is* nicer there than that run-down hovel of a town Bethlehem.

Speaking of, the Catalonians have another shitty tradition- the Caganer. See, in Catalonia, just doing the small little nativity scene isn’t enough for them. They have to do the whole town of Bethlehem, with all the villagers doing their villager thing- spinning wool, cooking a meal, sleeping. And off in the corner, one little little guy, shitting. Modern day Nativity scenes can even include celebrity Caganers.

Christmas tradition or political statement? You decide.

The Caganer is a big deal to the Catalonians. He’s such a big deal, that when the City of Barcelona dropped him from their Nativity scene in 2005, the people started a campaign called Salvem el caganer (Save the Caganer) that restored him to his throne in 2006.

Apparently, it was quite the movement. Ahem.

Lest we think that the Catalonians are the only ones with shitty Christmas traditions, I present to you an American favorite: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo.

Howdy Ho!

Mr. Hankey’s tradition goes back farther than the Season1, episode 10 of South Park that most people remember him from. Apparently, Trey Parker had problems flushing the toilet during potty training, so his father told him that if he didn’t flush, the poo (named Mr. Hankey) would come to life and kill him. Years later, before Parker and Stone started South Park, the two creators decided they wanted to do a short on Mr. Hankey. They didn’t do that, but elements of the outlined show were used in the infamous Season 1, Episode 10 Christmas special.

And again before South Park, Parker and Stone tried to sell Mr. Hankey as the main protagonist in “The Mr. Hankey Show”, which included 4 children, but FOX Executive poo pooed the idea. So instead, Parker and Stone created a show called South Park that used just the 4 children. They knew they were going to want to introduce Mr. Hankey in the series at some point, however. So when they pitched the idea of the show to Comedy Central, Parker is said to have said “One thing we have to know before we really go any further: how do you feel about talking poo?”

Really, that’s my comedic dream. To some day pitch talking poo to an executive producer. Maybe I will ask the three wise men for it next year. In the meantime, I’m going to beat this log til it shits candy. Here’s hoping you all had a very shitty Christmas!

Happy Festivus and Holiday Greeting Butthurt

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Today, according to Wikipedia, is Festivus. Festivus was an “actual” holiday made up by the dad of one of the writers for Seinfeld. The actual Festivus and the Seinfeld one are pretty much in name only but let’s not let that stop us from erecting the Festivus pole, airing our grievances and wrestling on the floor. A Festivus for the rest of us but enough about that. Let’s talk about Christmas.


I celebrate Christmas. I really don’t consider myself a Christian (I consider myself a conscientious objector when it comes to religion) but most everybody in my family is Christian and I like presents and cookies so fuck it. Merry Christmas. Or happy holidays. Seasons greetings. Whatever.


It seems like I can’t win with some people on how I wish them a happy whatever (I’ve actually started using “happy whatever” as my holiday greeting). This stupid issue about people being offended over holiday greetings has gone on so long that it’s been satirized in fucking cellphone commercials

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73vcbde8Cb8?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

That was from four years ago and I still see news stories on Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays bullshit.


It really sucked when I worked in customer service. I was always encouraged to say “Happy Holidays” but would always offend a few old people (it’s always fucking old people) because I didn’t wish them a Merry Christmas. Here’s how the end of a typical conversation would go down.

ME: Thanks for calling whatever company I’m working for at the moment and Happy Holidays.
CUST: Happy Holidays? It’s Christmas! You know, you people used to be able to say “Merry Christmas” before you went all PC. Don’t you celebrate Christmas?
ME: Yes I do, sir.
CUST: Then why don’t you say “Merry Christmas”?
ME: Well, I can’t be sure if you celebrate Christmas, sir (I actually had to have a meeting with my manager once because I responded by saying “you could be a Satanist for all I know”. Turns out you don’t get in less trouble if you piss off the customer in a funny way).


It goes both ways, too. I’ve offended non Christians by saying “Merry Christmas”. It’s a fucking zero sum game with you jackasses.


Here’s the deal. When I say “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Holidays”, “Merry Whatever” or “Hanukkah Mattata” (my personal invention. Trying to get it to catch on. Spread the word), I’m just trying to be nice. That’s all it is. Anybody giving whatever kind of holiday greeting is just trying to be nice and the people who are offended are all missing the fucking point. I’m just trying to be nice to you.


It’s alright, though. I’ve come up with a solution and anybody who has watched stand up comedy before knows that comedians always have the best solutions for social issues. The next time I offer any holiday greeting and somebody bitches at me because I didn’t offer their specific holiday greeting, I’m going to hug them.


No words. I’m just going to walk up and hug them super hard. Both arms. Not even the “guy hug” where you pat them on the back while you do it. Full on hug. Just gonna keep on hugging until I get a reaction. Sure, I’ll probably get a few people that shove me off and call me a fag or something but I’m guessing most people will be too thrown off by the surprise hug to react at first. After they realize what’s happening to them they’ll probably start crying. It takes a lot of hurt inside somebody to bristle at a stranger offering a nice greeting and once that all finally comes to the surface there’s gonna be tears. I’ll just hug them harder and say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” or “Hanukkah Mattata” (seriously I think Hanukkah Mattata could work. Please use it as often as possible).


I want you to do this, too. The next time you offer out a holiday greeting to a stranger and they get all pissy with you just hug them. I honestly feel like if everybody does this we can eradicate Holiday Greeting Butthurt in our lifetime. Then we can all get back to celebrating Kwanzaa in peace.

Excerpt From a Chat With Jena.

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Jena
Also, I know what I’m getting you for Christmas

Bill
Christmas!
don’t tell me
I like surprises
I don’t know what to get you for christmas.
I’d sell my hair to buy you a watch strap but I don’t have hair and you don’t wear a watch

Jena
I have a christmas list on amazon

Bill
I could sell my pubic hair. Do people buy that?
I’m sure there’s a market for that.

Jena
Probably not
Maybe in Japan

Bill
“Why yes this does come from a schoolgirl, Mr. Stereotypical Japanese Businessman.”

Jena
Nice.

Bill
Best not to lie about that stuff. Don’t want to get reported to the BPBB
Better Pervy Business Bureau


The Better Pervy Business Bureau spontaneously formed in 1996 when Joe Francis bought his first camera.

The Art of Holding Fuckers Accountable.

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I love the internet. I truly love it. Not just because it has all the porn ever for free or a million social networking sites for me to whore out my stupid comedy shows (although those two take a Pac-Man shaped bite out of the pie chart). The internet holds a special place in my heart because you get to chew fuckers out at the speed of thought. Big coporations, specifically.


Think about it. If you wanted to tell off a company for doing something awful back in the year nineteen-fuck-all you’d have to start a letter writing campaign, get a phone tree going or even publish a book before anything got done. These days, if a large corporation like PayPal does something like freezes the accounts of regretsy.com’s charity for bullshit reasons (click the link if you like being horribly outraged!), you can comment on their facebook page, you can email them via their website, you could leave a comment on their stupid blog. Hell, you could even call customer service at 1-888-221-1161 if you’re feeling old fashioned about it. It’s so easy!


Not only is it easy, it’s necessary. PayPal not only fucked up big time, they were dicks about it. Luckily, the internet provides us with the means to cram every single public relations orifice that PayPal has exposed with spite and condemnation.


The best part is that you can say whatever you want. As a company that relies on customers’ money, PayPal needs to play nice when addressing the public at large but you can tell them to fuck right off and they’ll still accept your business. Here’s what I posted on their wall –

“Hey, nice job on killing that kid’s charity. When it comes to keeping toys out of the hands of impoverished children, nobody beats PayPal!”


I also sent this email to them –

Your name
Ebeneezer Scrooge

Your message
Your stance on fucking the poor children out of gifts this Christmas is truly an inspiration! How dare regretsy try to give to the needy without navigating through your baffling terms of service first! Good for you!


This is how you affect change in the 21st century. You scream and thrash and tell everybody you know and show the bastards that you will not stop until they make it right. Good, clean fun and it’s totally free.

UPDATE PayPal has posted a tail-between-the-legs apology assuring the public that they are not, in fact, monsters that hate poor children. Or at the very least, they hate a million negative facebook comments more than poor children. Either way, the regretsy issue is being resolved. God bless us, everyone!