Tag Archives: alcohol

New Year’s Resolution Update: Drinking!

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It’s Monday so let’s have a look at one of the umpteen resolutions I made this year and see how I’m doing. Today I’d like to talk about #3 on my list. No alcohol for the year.



I figured this one was going to be a little tough for me. I do enjoy drinking. A lot of my friends enjoy drinking. Stand up comedy usually takes place in a bar and comedians usually get free drinks. While the challenges were numerable this has been one of the easier ones to keep. I went the whole month of January without drinking and I have to say, I could start to feel the health benefits that come with it. I dropped a few pounds, I had more energy and didn’t feel like shit if I didn’t get a lot of sleep. No hangovers and no gut troubles. There are plenty of advantages to not drinking.



Then again, the downside to not drinking is that you don’t get to be drunk so I decided to briefly break my resolution Saturday when I went out to a show and a going away party for a buddy. I had 32 days under my belt, I figured what’s the harm in drinking one night?



There’s lot’s of harm. Just heaping piles of steaming harm.



I woke up Sunday morning after a full 8 1/2 hours of sleep feeling like I just got ran over. I have had hangovers of all sizes before but this was the first time where my muscles ached. My whole body screamed out in pain like I had gone to the gym for the first time in my life and really overdid it.



That’s the thing about booze. You need that tolerance to deal with the negative effects as you get older. I find myself drinking less and less just because the hangovers are hitting me harder and harder and I’m packing weight on easier and easier. If I’m ever at some dive bar in Northeast Minneapolis and see those 65+ year old dudes at the bar just pounding them back I always wonder how they can handle all the booze at that age when I’m having trouble with it at 30 and the answer is they don’t stop drinking. Their tolerance has just been climbing and climbing with them over the years to keep pace with their age. I don’t think I can do that.



I originally thought I’d take monthly breaks from my drinking resolution but now I’m not so sure. Not drinking might just keep me from drinking this year.

Beer Bonging Buttholes Banned

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In the proud college fraternity tradition of strangely combining homophobia and homoeroticism, a University of Tennessee student was hospitalized with a blood alcohol content of nearly .45, allegedly achieving the nearly fatal alcohol poisoning via alcohol enemas`. The student vehemently denied he did such a thing but bloodstains and eyewitnesses confirm that he was, as the Knoxville News Literally called it several times in their article about the incident, “butt chugging.”



The craziest part of this story isn’t even how college kids are now apparently shoving boxed wine up their rectums to get drunk quicker (to be fair, have you tasted the boxed stuff?), it was the statement that was released by the Pi Alpha Kappa Fraternity after the… butt chugging incident happened in a Pi Alpha Kappa house.


“The recent allegations against these individuals have come as a complete shock to The Pi Kappa Alpha International Fraternity, its 15,000 undergraduate members and over 200,000 living alumni, family and friends,” the statement lied. “Pi Kappa Alpha’s mission is to develop men of integrity, intellect and high moral character and to foster a truly lifelong fraternal experience. These alleged activities are clearly not consistent with that mission, nor are they representative of what the fraternity would expect from any of its members.”



Come on, Pi Alpha Kappa, don’t try to blow Franzia up our asses. It’s one thing to condemn the actions of your members but don’t act surprised that there’s been an alcohol poisoning at a goddamn fraternity! You might as well act surprised that there was a date rape at a fraternity. Or act surprised when a hazing incident at a fraternity goes horribly awry, seriously injuring and sometimes even killing a pledge. Or act surprised when systematic cheating on tests goes on in a fraternity…



Wait, why the hell do we still have these things around anyway?

except as the settings for shitty straight-to-video National Lampoon movies.

We Need to Talk.

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This is really hard for me but it’s something I’ve needed to say for a while. I can’t be with you anymore. I love you. Of course I still love you. How can I not? I’ll always love you but you’re not good for me and this relationship is becoming toxic.


Please just let me get this all out. I know we’ve known each other for so long that It’s hard to remember a time when we weren’t together. I first met you when I was just a kid. I honestly didn’t like you at first. You seemed bitter and off-putting but all the older at the people were so enamored with your charms. When I became older I started to see why. I’d keep running into you at parties and by spring break on my senior year of high school, we were inseparable.


Those nights we spent together in the first few years were magical. I’ll never forget. People warned me about you and how you chewed up and spit out stronger men than me but what we had was different. We were meant to be together. It was stupid to think that it would be like that forever. People grow and change but you started getting demanding as I got older. You wanted to do all the things that we did early on but I just can’t keep up anymore. I can’t be out all night, throwing my money away at you on the bar just to feel awful the next morning when you aren’t there. I just can’t drink you anymore, beer.


I thought we were special. I really did. When I was in my early twenties I could drink a dozen of you and not have a hangover as long as I had 6 hours of sleep. I thought maybe it was because I was special, because I was different than anybody else but lately I can’t even drink four of you without spending the entire next day on the toilet. What did I do to deserve this? I’ve always treated you with such reverence.


Now I know that I may be developing a mild gluten intolerance and there are gluten free versions of you out there but they’re so expensive. Sure, I’ve spent plenty of money when there’s a decent Belgian selection of you at a bar or I want to treat myself to some craft beers but one of the things I loved about you is that you were really affordable when I needed you to be.



So this is it. We’re done. I just can’t be with you anymore.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to drink vodka and whisky but you and I are through. I’ll miss you.


A lady at the bar drew this picture of us together on St. Patrick's day. You always loved St. Patrick's day.

Wisconsin Forced to Clarify Drunk Driving Laws Because It’s Wisconsin.

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I know state rivalry is stupid. Why Minnesotans make fun of Wisconsin…ites? Wisconsonians? Wisconsiners? Whatever. Why we make fun of them is beyond me. I don’t even like sports so it makes even less sense because I don’t even hate their football team. Whatever the reason I will make fun of Wisconsin whenever I have the chance because they’re a bunch of fat, cheese eating drunken hicks even though Minnesotans are pretty much the same thing.


That being said, of course this is a news story in Wisconsin. Stupid hillbillies.


For those of you afraid of clicking blue words, I’ll break it down for you. A man got pulled over last winter on a frozen lake with a Blood-Alcohol content of .365 . For those of you unfamiliar with BAC, here’s a handy dandy chart courtesy of wikipedia.


Click for the full article and some interesting stories under the "Highest recorded Blood Alcohol Content" section




I love how in the “>.50” row the behavior listed is “death”. Shouldn’t “life” be listed in the impairments column?


Personal reference: One time when I was 21 I bought a breathalyzer from Sharper Image and turned it into a drinking game with my roommates. The name of the game was “Let’s See How High We Can Get The Numbers on This Thing”. My last memory of the night was blowing into it and reading “.22” before blacking out.


Back to the story. Prosecutors charged the guy with drunk driving because he was driving incredibly drunk. “A judge dismissed the case, though, ruling Wisconsin’s drunken driving laws apply to premises open to public motor vehicle use and the lake didn’t qualify.”


Thankfully, the case was appealed and the appeals court decided driving drunk is still driving drunk even if it’s not on a street. Frankly, I can’t see how this was dismissed to begin with. Most Wisconsin frozen lakes have nicer houses on them than most residential neighborhoods (take that, you stupid state!).


Just to be safe, here’s a list for that judge who dismissed the case of places that aren’t open to public motor vehicle use that people should not drive while intoxicated to the point they almost die.



Playgrounds

Hospitals

Basketball Courts

The Bottom of Unfrozen Lakes

Liquor Stores

Most Churches (I think you can if you’re a Scientologist. It’s a religious thing)

Movie Theaters.



On a completely unrelated note I’ll be at St. Croix Casino in Danbury, WI tonight and Turtle Lake, WI tomorrow. Go Packers!

A Girl Punched Me in the Face

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This Saturday I’ll be heading down to Granite Falls for comedy show Wayne Burfeind, Dennis Anton and Drew Junior. Drew started doing open mics around the same time I did and had an annual homecoming show in Granite Falls where he’d bring his friends to tell jokes, make a few bucks and get completely wasted off of small town prices for booze (You can die of alcohol poisoning for fifteen bucks in a small town bar. No lie).


That's me on the bottom right. Head full of hair and dreams.




Drew moved to Vegas several years ago but has since moved closer to the cities and his wife, Naomi, had the idea of a reunion show. I gladly accepted but as the time to go back to Granite Falls draws near I’m a bit nervous. The last time I was there with Drew and Naomi a girl punched me in the face. Twice. Here’s what happened.


Right before Drew and Naomi left for Vegas they had a going away party in their hometown. I thought it’d be fun to load up the car with a bunch of comics, get a couple of hotel rooms and send them off proper. We checked into the hotel and head to the American Legion where Drew and Naomi are having a huge party in the dining hall. We put on a brief impromptu show and close the bar down at 1AM. Drew and Naomi head home but the rest of us are not done drinking so we head to JB Yates (now Bootlegger’s, the location of the reunion show) for an hour of partying. The bar closes at 2AM and we all spill out, drunk as hell. A man in a pickup truck yelled “party at my place!” and I responded by yelling “WHOO! PARTY!” and jumped in the back of his truck. I learned that I wasn’t invited when he shouted “Get the fuck outta my truck!” so I promptly apologized and spilled out the back, hitting the ground hard and twisting my ankle.

I limped back to Wayne Burfeind’s car and from across the lot this girl with four guys behind her yells “Fucker! You ruined Drew and Naomi’s special night!” and begins to run at me with her fist raised. A million thoughts rush through my head as she’s coming at me. “Who is this person? I’ve never even met her before. What did I do to ruin Drew and Naomi’s night? What possibly-”

Pow.

My train of thought was interrupted with a right hook to my left eye. I didn’t move. After two seconds I said “…What?”

Pow.

Left hook. I backed away, ran to Wayne’s car and jumped in. We looked at each other and just drove back to the Super8, confused.

The next morning we have breakfast with Drew and Naomi. I told Drew and Naomi about my beatdown from the previous night. Naomi asked “What did she look like?”

“Tiny fists and I think she wore a ring. Other than that, I was drunk.” Wayne filled in the details.

“Oh, that was probably Amber! She’s a psycho! She does crazy shit like that all the time! I have her number, do you want to call her?” I said yes, called her and got her voicemail.

“Um… Hi. My name is Bill. You probably don’t know me, well, we met last night in the parking lot of Yates. Uh, you gave me the ol’ ‘one, two’ and I was just, ah, just wondering… why did you punch me? Give me a call on Naomi’s phone. Talk to you later, ‘bye.” Naomi got a call two minutes later. We heard her say “Uh huh, uh huh. Okay, ‘bye.” and then she hung up.

“First off, Amber said she never wants you to call her voicemail again.” We all erupted in laughter. I say “Deal.”

“Also, she said the reason she punched you was because you were yelling ‘Fuck Drew and Naomi’ at the top of your lungs…”

This was a mystery. I don’t remember yelling any such thing but I was pretty drunk. Wayne was with me the whole night and he heard no such thing and he was considerably less drunk. It didn’t happen. It was weird that somebody would make that accusation but Naomi told me the next day that she talked to Amber some more and she said that “she just wanted to punch somebody and probably made it up”. Awesome.


Now it’s seven years later. Is she still there? Does she remember me? Has she been training all Rocky 4 style running up hills with a big log on her back? I know I should have got those brass knuckles when I had the chance.

Pray for me.