I’m turning 30 tomorrow. I can tell that I’m getting older for a number of reasons.



1. It says so on my drivers license. Those don’t lie.

2. I got mad that it rained the other day because I was planning on doing some yard work.

3. A streetlight keeps flickering in and out on my block and I’m seriously considering writing a letter to the city to get it fixed. Like, my first thought was “write a letter”, not “call the city” or “shoot them an email”.

Even though all these changes are happening as I get older there’s still plenty of stuff in my life that remains static.



1. My dad got me a bunch of comic books for my birthday. I couldn’t have been happier.

2. My near-disturbing love of snack cakes remains unchanged.

Here’s a picture of me enjoying a snack cake when I was like five years old. You know you’re old when the pictures of your childhood are all grainy and shit.

3. My friends are assholes. Don’t believe me? They’re throwing a roast for me tomorrow.

I’ve been in several local comedy roasts in the past but being the roastee (Roasted? Roast of honor?) is a bit different because I’m expected to make jokes about everybody going on stage. Usually with roast jokes you take some small foible or embarrassing moment in a person’s life and make a joke about that. To help prepare myself I’ll just list one small weakness/embarrassment of each person on the Dais and write a joke about it before the show tomorrow.

Andy Brynildson – Micropenis

Shannon Thompson – Attempted rapist

Tommy Thompson – Was once almost raped by brother

Mike Linden – Likes dubstep

Chris Maddock – Has Asian child

Justin Caesar – Zoophile

Phil Kolas – Greek

Zach Coulter – Once when drunk admitted closeted homosexuality. Cried for fifteen minutes straight blubbering about how if the truth came out his family would never speak with him again.

Shannan Paul – Woman.

So come on out to my birthday roast tomorrow at the Comedy Corner Underground and watch everybody call me fat and bald! Hooray!