At twelve bells yesterday, the House of Lords and House of Commons passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. The Queen has given her assent by placing her royal seal on the rolled parchment the bill was written on.



While the bill went through without much of a tiff, some conservative toffs threw wobblys like MP Gerald Howarth, who angered many when he referred to “the aggressive homosexual community” that would “see this is as but a stepping stone to something even further.” The tosser even took the piss out of homosexual couples when he tweeted “The Queen has given Royal Assent to Same Sex Marriage. Aggressive homosexuals, please note. Go forth and propose.”



While blokes who oppose the measure have been in a strop and giving their tuppen’orth on the telly, poofs can just tell them to slag off as same sex rumpy pumpy can now be done within the sanctity of marriage!



The bill’s drafter, Lord Evelyn Berkingsworth of Chestershire was quoted as saing “if two blokes want to fiddle their bolloks and see fit to wed, I’d be a numpty nutter to nobble their lives.”



The Church of England and the Catholic Church in England are both well opposed, one representative of the C of E was quoted as saying “Cor Blimey! This cock up is all codswallop!



While the opposition is crying stone and crows the parliament bloody well did it! Homesexuals can rejoice because in 2014, Bob’s your wife!

A man was killed when a cow fell through his roof and landed on him in his sleep.

I really feel like I should have more to say on the subject. Like there should be a million jokes or witticisms just jumping onto the page. I mean, something about how too much red meat can kill you, or maybe something about being lactose intolerant.

If I was really clever, maybe a mad cow reference with the tag “You mad bro? Come at me!”

Plotting your death.

Maybe even a Monty Python reference:

But no. I got nothing. I keep reading the story, and all that comes to mind is the fact that a person died when a ton of cow fell through his roof and landed on him in his sleep.

I mean, I want to get more ridiculous than that, but I just don’t see how. Maybe with a ton of chickens? Maybe if it fell on him while he was taking a walk through the city?

But I mean, it has to be somewhat believable. Not that a cow falling through a roof is common place…

Wait- what? The article says that this is the third cow-through-roof incident in recent years.

What the hell Brazil? Put fences up or something. Build stronger houses. Learn from these mistakes.

I tell ya. These guys wouldn’t take a hint if it fell through the roof and landed on them.

Today is my son’s birthday. He’s a full-fledged teenager now, as opposed to just a pre-teen working through puberty. His arm hair is starting to come in darker. He’s grown probably 6 inches in the past few months, and not stopping anytime soon. What we originally thought might be a cold a few months ago is actually a dropped voice. His face is more angular. He has acne. He’s the same height as me. His feet smell.

I’m not okay with any of this. He didn’t ask my permission; he just did it. Stupid rebellious teenagers.

Not only that, but I’m supposed to celebrate these changes. Throw a party for him and congratulate him on his lanky, ape like arms and out-growing his shoes three months after I bought them. Buy him deodorant and razors.

I mean, my son is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I’m glad he’s doing all the growing things he’s supposed to be doing. I can’t even begin to describe how wonderful he is, how he makes me proud on a daily basis, how his dry sarcasm and childish glee fills my heart.

But my little baby is getting man feet. I’m just not ready for that.

The baby pic is at about 6 months. The pre-teen pic is from last fall.

Anyway, in honor of his birthday, today’s fuck-off Friday is about Bloons. Produced by Ninja Kiwi, there are a whole bunch of balloon based flash games out there. Ninja Kiwi has a LOT of other stuff on their site… if you just want the games that focus on Balloons or Monkeys, I recommend Balloon Monkey Game. It’s all still Ninja Kiwi, and they give credit where it’s due. Just a bit easier to navigate.

My personal favorite is Bloons Super Monkey, where you’re a super monkey that flies through the air shooting malicious balloons, saving the world yet again from latex invations.

My son’s favorite is Bloons Tower Defense 4. You try to stop a bunch of balloons from making it through a path from one part of the screen to another with darts, bombs, and other balloon destroying weaponry.

Happy birthday, Jared! Now I’m going to stare wistfully at old pictures and wonder where my baby went.

Are you so busy that it seems like there’s not enough hours in the day? These “life hacks” can save you so much time on simple daily tasks you can relax and focus your time and energy on what’s important. Watching cat videos on the internet.



HAMBURGERS MADE EASY




We all love a good hamburger but who has the time to find a wild steer, slaughter it, clean it, grind the beef, store the unused hundreds of pounds of meat, harvest wheat, mill into flour, and bake the flour into bread (and that’s just if you don’t want any cheese or condiments)?



Not a lot of people know this but many grocery stores carry pre-packaged ground beef in 1-5 pound servings so you don’t have to worry about eating hundreds of pounds of beef before it goes bad. They also carry pre-made hamburger buns as well as a large selection of condiments. There are even restaurants that will make hamburgers for you!



CUT YOUR BATHROOM TIME BY 90%




Almost 85% of Americans urinate but 100% agree it’s a pain to do. You walk into the bathroom and urinate, change out of your urine soaked pants and shower. Most public restrooms don’t even have a shower so you end up giving your self a paper towel sponge bath! Just pull your pants and underwear down before urinating and you’ll save a ton of time. Most men’s underwear even has a flap in the front so you don’t need to pull the underwear down. Once finished, you can continue wearing the same pants and all you have to wash is your hands!



USE THE DOOR




Leaving your house every day can be time consuming, expensive and painful. Instead of jumping through a window, try opening and walking out the door? You’ll save the expense of replacing the window and be spared the lacerations associated with defenestration.



Let me know how these work for you! I still haven’t tried #3 yet.

I’m not overly a fan of when adults use little kid names. I make an exception for Tommy. I don’t know why Tommy is the exception, but I know several Tommys, and each one of them is totally and fully Tommy, from the large, long-haired 300 pound Tommy to the slightly cynical, down to earth, rough and tumble Tommy, to the more clean cut waif of a man Tommy.

I hate it when people call me Jennie/Jenny (select few people who knew me from my Jennie days can get away with it). I especially hate it when someone spells it Jenny, as even when I was a Jennie, I wasn’t a Jenny. A jenny is a female donkey. Though, I’m definitely a chick, and definitely an ass, I don’t want to disparage the majestic beast that is the donkey with associations of me. It works way to hard to have my laziness associated with it.

Though, I do have a pretty sweet lady ass. It’s because I bike a lot.

The point is, I recently discovered that there is a Mayor of a small Minnesota town with the name Bobby. Bobby Tufts- Mayor of Dorset, MN.

Bobby Tufts. Doesn’t that just make you think of a little boy out playing mayor? I mean, can’t you just picture little Bobby Tufts, out there on the campaign trail, handing out pictures of him and his little girlfriend, skipping to meetings, lobbying for ice cream to be at the top of the food pyramid?

You should, because that’s exactly who Bobby Tufts is- a 4 year old mayor.

Awe Jeez! just look at the little tyke, would ya?

Dorset, MN holds elections every year by way of raffle. You send your vote and a dollar to the office, and the name is drawn at random at the summer festival. Which seems a ridiculous and possibly illegal way to vote in a mayor, but the 22 residents don’t mind.

Plus, it seems to be working.

Bobby has, in his time as mayor, cheered up his constituents with song and dance, given fishing tips, and helped old men across the street.

Frankly, he’s the best politician I’ve seen in ages.

Hello, friends of Jena and Ukrainian spambots! We took some time off due to the holiday and CONvergence but we’re back and posting daily as of today!



So let’s take a look at what’s in the news. Honestly, I’ll normally check all the major news sites in the morning for something to write about but when I’m not working on a post I almost never check the news. Let’s see what CNN has to offer.







Oh Jesus, that’s awful. Let’s try another article –







Oh no. I can’t really say anything except my thoughts go out to the survivors and loved ones of the victims. Is there anything else on CNN today?







Oh, man.







No.







Seriously?



This was all just from the front page alone.



I think I’m just going to pack it up for now and try again tomorrow.



Jesus, I wish it was an election year.

It’s back! What started as a joke I thought of last minute when I couldn’t come up with a blog one day has now blossomed into an annual tradition. The CONvergence Cosplay Bingo Board has been updated with plenty of new British themed squares for this year’s “British Invasion” theme but still has plenty of the classic squares from the last two years.



If you’re at CONvergence you can pick up a free copy at the Stand Up! Records party room (#128- where I’ll be spending most of my time) or the Fearless Comedy party room (#224- where Jena will be located pretty much all of CON). If you get coverall you’ll be awarded with a smug sense of self satisfaction (the same prize they give out at NPR game shows!) and if you get coverall and have have the 24 pictures to prove it I’ll have a super special secret prize for you*!







*Warning: Super special secret prize will most likely be very disappointing.



***Jena’s Edit*** YoungNotions will be hosting the Fearless Party Room for an hour or so on Friday. Make sure to stop by #224 for a button or sticker! No new posts til next Monday, because AMERICA!