Senator Branden Petersen!

Posted on May 14, 2013 by Bill

I don’t know if you guys saw the news but marriage equality is being signed into law today by Governor Mark Dayton. After the House didn’t fuck it up it was predicted that the bill would pass the senate pretty easily since they have a DFL majority but nobody was completely sure until the votes were cast and they did it.

We won.

My first impulse in writing about this is to just shamelessly gloat about this victory to the opponents of marriage equality. Just rub their noses in it. Maybe make a big satirical post about how I’m turning into a lustful cockmonster and want to marry a horse or whatever but I’m not going to. I’m sure there’s plenty of completely bullshit reasons on why some people want to treat homosexuals as second class citizens but I’m not going to change anybody’s minds by ridiculing them.

Besides, nothing I say could beat the pure, simple awesomeness of Laura Thompson’s now famous photo-

So gay.

What I would like to do, however, is acknowledge two Republican State Senators for two very different reasons.

I listened to some of the debates before the vote yesterday and it was pretty much what you’d expect. Democrats going to the mic and shouting “love!”, Republicans going to the mic and shouting “Jesus”. One speech, however, took me by surprise. Senator Dave Senjem, a Republican, went up to the podium and said this (abridged).

We’re going to have same sex marriage. I think of people like Bob and Joe, good friends, good people, happen to be gay. I don’t have to understand everythign there is to know about being gay. But they take care of their house, mow their lawn. got a picture from Marge and Jo today, good friends, have invited me to their wedding. As we go forward, I hope through my life I’ve been able to reach out to people like this and say ‘I may disagree with you, I’ve been polite, I’ve been cordial’ . In a few minutes I’ll decide whether I step across this line or not and we’ll find out.

I heard that speech and thought it was really brave of that man to step outside of his party rhetoric and just look at the people around him. There was more to the speech where he acknowledged that the bill would probably pass with or without his vote and he hoped to go to Marge and Jo’s wedding.

He voted “no”.

He voted no because he knew the bill would pass with or without him so he decided to play it safe politically. Bob and Joe may keep their lawn mowed but nice lawns don’t get a man re-elected. He’ll go to Marge and Jo’s wedding but he’ll make a vote trying to keep it from happening. It was a coward’s vote but what should I expect? All but one Republican voted “no” yesterday. The single Republican who voted “yes”?

Senator Branden “Iron Balls” Petersen.

Not pictured: tree-trunk like arms, size 15 feet, set of titanium testicles.

Senator Branden Petersen is the lone Republican who stood up for Marriage Equality yesterday. No bait-and-switch bullshit like Senjem, this guy said ahead of time that he’d vote “yes” and he voted “yes”.

This badass voted his conscience even though he’s a Republican representing ANOKA COUNTY. That’s Michele Bachmann’s stomping grounds. This was political suicide for him but he couldn’t look himself in the mirror knowing he voted “no”.

There’s a lot of people who are responsible for making today’s bill passage possible. Legislators, Gov. Dayton, Minnesotans United, countless volunteers and donors and all should be congratulated. In my mind, though, Senator Brandon Peterson is today’s MVP.

With honorable mention to Laura Thompson.

Resolution Monday Update

Posted on May 13, 2013 by Bill

Okay. We’re five months into the year and I’ve made 11 New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve been able to stick to a few of them completely, I’ve stumbled with a few and a couple I’ve just abandoned all together. It’s been really interesting and challenging to try to pull this off but there’s going to be a little change in my program here. Starting now I’m going to discontinue my weekly updates on the resolutions.

I’m still going to try to pull off these resolutions and if I can think of anything interesting to say about them or have any news on them I’ll certainly post about them but it’s getting hard trying to write about this every week.

Admittedly, posting about this every week has been useful in keeping these resolutions on my mind but I don’t want the content of this site to suffer for it. Sure, there have been some posts I’ve been pretty happy with on this subject and some of them, like my flossing tutorial were pretty popular but for every one of those posts there’s three posts of me just talking about donuts. Complaining about how I want a donut, bragging about how I haven’t had a donut all week or admitting that I ate three donuts in a day (my record is five). Don’t get me wrong, I can easily write up 250 words about my love/hate relationship with donuts every week but it’s going to get old pretty fast.

So that’s it. Until further notice, the weekly resolution updates will be suspended and I’ll just write about them if I can think of something funny. Monday’s posts will now go back to the regular schedule of fake detective novels, drinking stories and swearing at Republicans.

Shit. I really want some donuts now.

Today’s Vote For Gay Marriage.

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Bill

The Minnesota House is voting on a bill today that would legalize same sex marriage. It’s been a long, hard road for many people leading up to this day and I only have one thing to say to legislators about today’s vote.

Please don’t fuck this up. Oh God, please don’t fuck this up.

I hate getting my hopes up for these things but it sounds like this bill’s going to pass. I want to just breathe a sigh of relief but this could get fucked up at the last minute and I’m not going to be totally satisfied until the votes are all counted and it’s clear they didn’t fuck this up.

This could be huge. Allowing gay couples the same marriage rights as heterosexuals in this state is not only a step forward for Minnesota, but each state that does this shows this country is moving in the right direction and that it’s only a matter of time before gays have complete equality in this nation. Each step in the right direction counts.

As long as the MN House doesn’t fuck this up.

I cannot stress the importance of not fucking this up enough. If they fuck this up, there will be more and more campaigning, ads, volunteers, debates, lawn signs, ads, hurt and arguments. This issue is not going away and if gay marriage isn’t legalized today it’s supporters will never stop fighting for it.

So don’t fuck this up. Please.

Meme a Hero

Posted on May 8, 2013 by Bill

The country was stunned and thrilled yesterday when reports came out that three women who have been missing for over a decade were alive, healthy and soon in the arms of their loving family.

Amanda Berry, Georgina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight were allegedly held prisoner in the home of Pedro, Onil and Ariel Castro. The women were freed by neighbor Charles Ramsey after he heard screaming coming from the Castro house. Here’s a recording of the 911 call that Ramsey made –

Uh… okay. The 911 recording has become a bit of an overnight viral sensation but the important thing is that these girls are safe. Let’s take a look at a local TV interview with Charles Ramsey shortly after the rescue –

That clip… has also become an overnight viral hit but let’s focus! This is a serious matter! This man was a big part in ending a 10 year nightmare for these women. Let’s hear him set the record straight with Anderson Cooper –

Jesus. Always with the McDonald’s. It’s like his socioeconomic status holds him to a different set of standards and priorities than people who don’t have to worry about where their next meal comes from. His mannerisms and world outlook is just so DIFFERENT than real people! That’s hilarious!

Let’s take this seriously. Please. These women were most likely systematically raped over the course of a decade. They’ve had no contact with the outside world. One of them has a kid now. Let’s focus on the facts and not on Charles Ramsey’s hilarious interviews. Before you know it somebody’s going to auto-tune this –

Jesus. It hasn’t even been two days and this guy has been completely memed.

You see… It’s funny because he’s black.

Pretty Girls in Trouble

Posted on May 6, 2013 by Bill

I haven’t followed this Jodi Arias trial at all.

I’m not trying to sound superior or anything when I say that. My favorite forms of entertainment are cartoons, kung fu movies and anything zombie related so I can’t really pass judgment on what other people watch. True crime drama just doesn’t do it for me. That’s all.

Thankfully, cnn.com has posted an article for people like me who have missed the nonstop, 24 hour, meticulous, all encompassing coverage of the trial. Just like every other trial by media in the last few years, it’s pretty much come to the conclusion that she’s guilty while trying vainly to seem unbiased. Also, like every trial by media in the last few years, it’s involved a pretty white girl –

Damn. I’d let her stab me 27 times and shove me in a shower stall IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYIN!

Before Jodi Arias it was Casey Anthony –

I’d let her drown me in a swimming pool IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYING

Before that (and I guess it’s in the news again for some reason) was the Amanda Knox trial –

I’d let her stab me in the throat in my apartment in Italy IFYOUKNOWWHATI’MSAYIN!

Think about it. Would everybody care nearly as much if these girls weren’t seriously hot? I think this country just likes seeing a pretty white girl get raked through the coals every once in a while. Don’t get me wrong, the crimes they’re accused of are really fucked up and, at least for Knox and Arias, there’s a bunch of weird sexual intrigue going on but there’s plenty of weird sex crimes going on all the time in this country and we don’t look at them twice. For example –

Dawn Peel awoke her boyfriend with a kiss one late night in October and asked him “do you love me?” He said “yes” and then she started sawing at his throat with a fucking chef’s knife. She apparently thought he was cheating on her and was living up to an earlier promise to get revenge on him in his sleep.

This story didn’t make it past a couple city pages articles though. Was it because the victim survived the attack or was it because she looked like this –

She doesn’t look that bad for 50, I just doubt she’s going to get any offers from Vivid once she gets out of prison.

I’m Afraid to go Outside Right Now.

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Bill

Yesterday I heard repeatedly on the radio about how we’re going to get 3-7 inches of snow. How the morning commute was going to be shit. Meteorologists kept going on about this freak May snowstorm that was going to blanket the Twin Cities with a thick, heavy slush overnight.

This morning I turn my computer on and find out that it was worse than predicted. As much as 13 inches have been dumped as far south as Rochester and as far north as Brainerd.

I look outside and not a drop or flake is on the ground.

…what?

There… was a snowstorm, right? I get that meteorologists can fuck up their predictions sometimes but the news said there was snow!

Here’s a map with the three cities listed in the beginning of the article I linked. Minneapolis is right in the middle of that –

How…

Apparently there’s snow all around me but there’s no snow in Minneapolis. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there’s no snow but now I’m just scared that it’s waiting for me out there. Like, the second I get outside the snow’s all going to fall down in one clump like a cartoon and then the tow truck drivers come and tow my car for snow emergency because they’re a bunch of evil Satan-worshipping wizards!

…I’m putting on a jacket just to be safe.

Union Free Twinkies

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Bill

Okay, guys. I know that Jason Collins came out of the closet and that’s groundbreaking and a huge deal but we need to talk about something important. Snack cakes.

It seems as if Hostess will be hitting the shelves again pretty soon. I found out from this image that’s been floating around facebook the last couple of days –

from the facebook post: “Twinkies are back! (At least they will be by July.) Two companies have purchased the Hostess assets and will reopen four plants and hire 1,500 workers – and all of this will be done union free!! LIKE if you will buy a union free Twinkie to celebrate!”

This little gem came from the facebook group ForAmerica, the offical page of foramerica.org. foramerica.org is a nonprofit started by conservative pundit L. Brent Bozell III to serve the dual purpose of trying to repeal Obamacare via the use of memes –

*the viewpoints of foramerica.org do not necessarily reflect those of Tardar Sauce, aka Grumpy Cat.

and sucking the GOP’s dick through creepy fanfic –

This could totally be the beginning of a Republican porno. “Trickle Down Her Back”

Also their website has a freedom meter. I don’t even know what that’s about –

maybe it’s like a scientology e-meter. You grab onto a couple of metal rods and somebody asks you a bunch of questions about eagles and fireworks or something.

Whatever. I’m not going to try to explain to them why unions didn’t cause the collapse of Hostess to these douchebags. Plenty of people have tried on the comment thread of the pic and failed. I will, however, say this. I don’t care that Hostess is coming back.

Turns out America didn’t collapse with the absence of Hostess. Sure, Batman had to work a little harder to get away from mummies but other than that I think we did alright as a country in the last few months –

Batman’s been slipping ever since he found out he can bribe most villains with sweets.

So sorry, ForAmerica. I think I’ll pass on the union free twinkies. I’m trying to cut back on sweets and bullshit union demonizing. Besides. If I really want some packed with chemicals and lard sponge cake Little Debbie has been my dealer since Hostess closed anyway.

OK so they’re not union either but all employees are shareholders and Swiss Cake Rolls are better than Ho Hos anyway.

FINGERNAILS

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Bill

Okay. Resolution Monday time. Let’s talk about nail biting.

When I originally decided to throw this one on my list of new year’s resolutions I figured it would be a slam dunk. It’s honestly not that big of a problem but I thought it would be one that would be easy to solve. After almost five months it turns out I’m having an easier time keeping off booze than I am keeping my fingernails out of my mouth.

It’d be so easy just to give up but I’m going to stick this out. Let’s see what options I have to help tackle this nail biting problem of mine.

HYPNOSIS
Pro: Could help me stop biting my nails through hypnotic suggestion.

Con: Once hypnotist has opened my subconscious for suggestion they can program me to do anything they want. Rob banks for them, assassinate their enemies. I’d be their helpless puppet.

WRAPPING HANDS IN TAPE
Pro: Wouldn’t be able to bite nails due to hands being wrapped in tape. If enough tape was wrapped around hands, could use them as a wrecking ball like some shitty comic book villain.

Con: Would need help going to the bathroom. Also would need help doing anything else in life that requires hands.

SETTING HANDS ON FIRE
Pro: Couldn’t bite nails due to hands constantly being on fire. Save on electricity since every room I’d walk into would already have two small fires burning. Light people’s cigarettes for them. Look incredibly badass.

Cons: I see absolutely no cons to my hands constantly being on fire.

Looks like I might be onto something here. I’ll try this out and get back to you guys if there are any downsides.

New Camera!

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Bill

A couple weeks ago I won a digital camera at my work in a prize drawing!

I took the picture with my phone!

This is pretty exciting for two reasons. 1: I never win anything in prize drawings or raffles. 2: I’ve never owned a digital camera. Well, except for the one on my last four phones, my ipod and my laptop. This is different, though! This is just a camera! This will probably take much better quality pictures and when I walk around with a fancy looking camera slung around my neck people will stop and say “ooh, is that a professional photographer? We should hire him to take photos of our all-girl pillow fight sessions!”

Okay. Let’s crack this open and see what we’ve got.

Okay. Warranty info, ad for an online photo storage/sharing service nobody will ever use and some cords. Pretty standard.

Instruction booklet.

Jesus. This thing’s like 200 pages.

Install disk, check.

Jesus. Another install disk?

More fucking cords? This box is like a goddamn clown car.

Finally!

Christ. This almost seems like it ain’t worth the effort. I may as well just keep taking pictures of stupid stuff I see at gas stations with my phone.

Wait… Gay Marriage Wasn’t Already Mandatory in France?

Posted on April 24, 2013 by Bill

Here’s a thing I just found out that really surprised me. Gay marriage was just legalized in France this week. What surprised me about it was not the fact that the gay marriage bill passed but that it was really fiercely debated. There were protests, riots, police and tear gas. Shit was crazy –

Sacre Bleu! Photo credit: Philippe Wojazer / Reuters

I can’t believe there was such fierce opposition to gay marriage in France because… well… it’s France.

This is fucking France we’re talking about. It’s the San Francisco of Europe. This is the country that’s known for wine, mimes and sexual permissiveness. Their biggest exports are turtlenecks and pencil thin mustaches. How could France not be in full support of gay marriage? It’s France! Their capital city is known as gay Paris! Even the people protesting gay rights there look super gay while they’re doing it!

I checked three times. This is an ANTI gay protest. Photo credit: Kenzo/AFP/Getty Images

This is the country that brought us the goddamn beret and they’re protesting gay marriage?

Protests or no, France’s gay citizens, which until recently I thought was all of them, can now enjoy the same rights as heterosexuals.

YoungNotions

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