Author Archives: Bill

You Need Help

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For far too long I’ve watched from the sidelines and didn’t say anything because I felt it wasn’t my place. It’s been killing me inside to see you like this and it’s time I said something. You’re being abused by your football team.


Face it, it’s true. The Minnesota Vikings are abusing you and you’re just allowing them to walk all over you. I don’t know much about football but even I know if you’re a fan of a team that’s 2-8 this season and lost 19 of their last 27 games something is seriously wrong.


Again, you might think I’m being out of place since I’m not a football fan. You think I might not understand. It’s true that I really don’t care about football but I do like comic books and if Batman got the shit kicked out of him eight out of every ten issues I would start reading another comic book.


As if the losing record wasn’t enough, the Vikings are actually trying to bully you into buying them a new stadium. I saw the commercial last week watching a game. It played on nearly every commercial break.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPcbnkilOds&w=560&h=315]
Sweet words but do you think a new stadium is going to make it all better? The stadium isn’t the problem, the Vikings are the problem.


This isn’t new, either. The Vikings have never won a superbowl for you and you still stand by them. You can argue all you want and tell me that while they’ve never won a superbowl that they’ve played in four but the last one they’ve seen was in 1977. How old were you? Were you even alive?


They keep treating you like this and you keep cheering for them. You’re enabling them. This needs to stop. You can just as easily root for another team. When you think about it, the reasons for most sports fandom is pretty arbitrary and solely based on geographic location so what’s stopping you from supporting another team? Pick one that wins a lot, maybe one that has a logo you think is cool or just throw a dart at a board with a bunch of names taped to it. I don’t care, anything has to be better than the abuse you’re enduring.


Just don’t root for the Packers. Seriously. Fuck those guys.


Viktor the Abuser. I really only put this picture here because posts with pics statistically get more hits so here you go.

Oh Shit Newt Gingrich is in the Lead Now?

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A couple of months ago I wrote about how it was sad that republicans were falsely letting Newt Gingrich believe he had a shot at the presidential nomination but now he’s fucking tied for first? What?


I get the fact that the previous front runners have either proven to be perverts, dipshits or Michele Bachmann but if you leave Newt Gingrich in the spotlight too long he’s going to say something awful like child labor laws are stupid.


He actually said that.


From the CNN article “It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in child laws which are truly stupid,” Gingrich said. “Saying to people you shouldn’t go to work before you’re 14, 16. You’re totally poor, you’re in a school that’s failing with a teacher that’s failing.”


God knows when you’re young and poor what you need is more manual labor and less education. There’s more!


“I tried for years to have a very simple model. These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work; they’d have cash; they’d have pride in the schools. They’d begin the process of rising.”


Now that’s some bold 19th century robber-baron thinking! Why pay adults fair wages and benefits to do a job that kids will do for dirt cheap? When you think about it, there’s all sorts of jobs kids can be doing. You hear all the time about coal miners getting trapped in cave ins but if kids were miners it would probably be way easier to get them out of the mines. They’re smaller so rescue crews would have to do half the work to get them out. Their tiny little hands are probably great for picking fruit and sewing clothes. China uses child labor all the time and their economy is booming! The best part is that kids will become accustomed at a young age to shitty pay and working conditions so we won’t have to worry about them forming those pesky unions as adults.


Vote Gingrich in 2012 because he’s a horrible, soulless monster!


p.s. hey if you want to keep reading things I wrote but want to read on a different website I did a guest blog for The Comedy Corner Underground! Click on it and read the thing and then you can click on the link at the bottom of the blog back to my website! Repeat this process until you have gone insane.

If Pizza is a Vegetable I’m a Health Nut.

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This is what’s wrong with the government. This is what all those stinky OWS hippies are complaining about. Congress is bought. The government will never act in the people’s interest as long as corporate lobbyists can get legislators to do whatever they want by stuffing their pockets with cash. It doesn’t matter who you elect because as long as corporations can lobby, government will act in act in the interest of lobbies.



Don’t believe me? This week members of congress were able to say with a flawless fucking poker face that Pizza is a goddamn vegetable.



Here’s what’s happening. The Obama administration submitted a proposal to make school lunches healthier because all the kids are fatties. The measure included putting more veggies in school lunch rotation and limiting things like frozen pizza and french fries (two things you could get every day when I was in high school).



From the article, “The final version of a spending bill released late Monday would unravel school lunch standards the Agriculture Department proposed earlier this year, which included limiting the use of potatoes on the lunch line and delaying limits on sodium and delaying a requirement to boost whole grains.

The bill also would allow tomato paste on pizzas to be counted as a vegetable, as it is now. USDA had wanted to prevent that.
Food companies that produce frozen pizzas for schools, the salt industry and potato growers requested the changes, and some conservatives in Congress say the federal government shouldn’t be telling children what to eat.”



Okay, first off, tomato paste is not a vegetable. I know this because tomatoes are a goddamn fruit. Adding sugar, salt, cheese, modified food starch and silicon dioxide to a fruit does not make it a vegetable.



This goes beyond word manipulation. This is outright lying. The kind of lying that puts cigarette ads from the 1920s to shame.



Only smoke what your doctor recommends.





Face it. Congress would shove the fat directly in your kids’ arteries if the price was right.



Since we’re throwing nutritional common sense out the window let’s just go nuts. Here’s some suggestions for the new healthy lunch proposal.



* Ice cream is a good source of calcium.
* Nachos are a vegetable (there’s tomatos in the salsa!)
* Oreos contain several B vitamins and folic acid. This qualifies them as a multivitamin.
* Fuck it. Cheese is a vegetable.


If you would like to make sure these changes don’t go through, please write to your congressperson and make sure to include a check for at least $50,000.

Time to Occupy a Goddamn Shower

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I agree with the message of the Occupy movement. The method is a different story.

I do think that there is a serious problem with the wealth distribution in this country and while plenty of people will say that protesting doesn’t actually change anything these days, the Occupy movement is getting some serious press. I hated reading stories of police using tear gas and rubber bullets on protesters and when I heard about cities cracking down on camping in the parks and arresting protesters I felt a little conflicted. On one hand, I hated to see these peaceful protests broken up. On the other, I was thankful that this would give the protesters a chance to wash the fuck up.

Seriously. If I go one day without a shower I get a little greasy and if I go two I’m pretty ripe. These protests have been going on since August and most of these hippies haven’t had more than whore baths in Burger King bathroooms. There’s nothing sanitary about a burger king bathroom. That’s where Humpty gets busy.

Frankly, I’m not even sure why they camped there anyway. Would it be less effective to Occupy Wall Street until 10PM and then go home and sleep? Am I missing something important to the message here?

When you think about it, the government is probably doing these people a favor by making them go home. Sleeping in a tent and eating hobo stew every day can’t be good for the mind. I’ve never camped for more than three nights in a row but whenever I got home after a camping trip I’m always a little feral. I can’t imagine shitting in a port-o-potty for 60 days straight will leave a man with much sanity.

Is that really who you want to be representing your message? Some crazy eyed stink machine with chunks of pigeon meat in his shaggy beard? Sure, bank executives are greedy but at least I don’t have to make sure to breathe through my mouth while talking to them.

Now Thinkprogress just reported that NY Mayor Bloomberg was issued a temporary restraining order allowing protesters back into Zuccoti park with their tents. That’s all well and good but how about a compromise? You can chant and wail about the Bildeberg group all you like but how about two nights a week you go home, clean up and sleep on a bed? Wednesdays and Sundays. Your message will get across just as clear and you won’t seem like insane sewer dwellers.

A Girl Punched Me in the Face

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This Saturday I’ll be heading down to Granite Falls for comedy show Wayne Burfeind, Dennis Anton and Drew Junior. Drew started doing open mics around the same time I did and had an annual homecoming show in Granite Falls where he’d bring his friends to tell jokes, make a few bucks and get completely wasted off of small town prices for booze (You can die of alcohol poisoning for fifteen bucks in a small town bar. No lie).


That's me on the bottom right. Head full of hair and dreams.




Drew moved to Vegas several years ago but has since moved closer to the cities and his wife, Naomi, had the idea of a reunion show. I gladly accepted but as the time to go back to Granite Falls draws near I’m a bit nervous. The last time I was there with Drew and Naomi a girl punched me in the face. Twice. Here’s what happened.


Right before Drew and Naomi left for Vegas they had a going away party in their hometown. I thought it’d be fun to load up the car with a bunch of comics, get a couple of hotel rooms and send them off proper. We checked into the hotel and head to the American Legion where Drew and Naomi are having a huge party in the dining hall. We put on a brief impromptu show and close the bar down at 1AM. Drew and Naomi head home but the rest of us are not done drinking so we head to JB Yates (now Bootlegger’s, the location of the reunion show) for an hour of partying. The bar closes at 2AM and we all spill out, drunk as hell. A man in a pickup truck yelled “party at my place!” and I responded by yelling “WHOO! PARTY!” and jumped in the back of his truck. I learned that I wasn’t invited when he shouted “Get the fuck outta my truck!” so I promptly apologized and spilled out the back, hitting the ground hard and twisting my ankle.

I limped back to Wayne Burfeind’s car and from across the lot this girl with four guys behind her yells “Fucker! You ruined Drew and Naomi’s special night!” and begins to run at me with her fist raised. A million thoughts rush through my head as she’s coming at me. “Who is this person? I’ve never even met her before. What did I do to ruin Drew and Naomi’s night? What possibly-”

Pow.

My train of thought was interrupted with a right hook to my left eye. I didn’t move. After two seconds I said “…What?”

Pow.

Left hook. I backed away, ran to Wayne’s car and jumped in. We looked at each other and just drove back to the Super8, confused.

The next morning we have breakfast with Drew and Naomi. I told Drew and Naomi about my beatdown from the previous night. Naomi asked “What did she look like?”

“Tiny fists and I think she wore a ring. Other than that, I was drunk.” Wayne filled in the details.

“Oh, that was probably Amber! She’s a psycho! She does crazy shit like that all the time! I have her number, do you want to call her?” I said yes, called her and got her voicemail.

“Um… Hi. My name is Bill. You probably don’t know me, well, we met last night in the parking lot of Yates. Uh, you gave me the ol’ ‘one, two’ and I was just, ah, just wondering… why did you punch me? Give me a call on Naomi’s phone. Talk to you later, ‘bye.” Naomi got a call two minutes later. We heard her say “Uh huh, uh huh. Okay, ‘bye.” and then she hung up.

“First off, Amber said she never wants you to call her voicemail again.” We all erupted in laughter. I say “Deal.”

“Also, she said the reason she punched you was because you were yelling ‘Fuck Drew and Naomi’ at the top of your lungs…”

This was a mystery. I don’t remember yelling any such thing but I was pretty drunk. Wayne was with me the whole night and he heard no such thing and he was considerably less drunk. It didn’t happen. It was weird that somebody would make that accusation but Naomi told me the next day that she talked to Amber some more and she said that “she just wanted to punch somebody and probably made it up”. Awesome.


Now it’s seven years later. Is she still there? Does she remember me? Has she been training all Rocky 4 style running up hills with a big log on her back? I know I should have got those brass knuckles when I had the chance.

Pray for me.

Another Craigslist Job Posting!

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Hello, boys and girls! It’s time again for the craigslist job posting game! For those of you who haven’t read the previous posts, people post awful “talent” gigs on craigslist and I respond to them. It’s that simple!

Once again we go to the tv/film/video/radio jobs posting for some truely ridiculous low rent reality show fuckery.


MY STRANGE ADDICTION Now Casting! (MN/WI)

Date: 2011-11-11, 2:39PM CST

My Strange Addiction is searching for men and women with strange addictions, compulsive behaviors, and quirky habits or obsessions, who would like to share their stories on this documentary television series.

This program will explore how your addiction developed and how it has been impacting your life.

Your addiction may be serious, silly, strange, or embarrassing, but if it’s affecting your life, we’d like to help. All participants will be provided with professional medical and/or psychological insights, as best fits your situation.

If you or someone you know has a strange addiction, respond to this ad with your name, age, city/state, and a brief description of your addiction or behavior.

We understand that any addiction can be difficult to discuss, and we appreciate you sharing your story with us. All inquiries will be kept confidential. We hope to hear from you soon!





Here’s my response.


Hi. My name is Bill and I’m a 29 year old male living in Minneapolis.

I saw your ad in Craigslist asking for people with weird addictions and I’m not sure that this fits the classic terminology of “addiction” but my family has told me that I am very much addicted and in need of help. I’m a fartaholic.

I can’t stop farting. I refuse to. I fart all the time. I’m farting right now as I type this. I just think it feels good and it’s funny and I love the smell. I tailor my diet to encourage farting with what I call “the three Bs” (beans, broccoli and beer).

It’s destroying my home life. My family refuses to be in the same room as me most of the time and our heating bill is incredibly high since we need to keep a window open most of the time in the dead of winter. My job is at risk as well. I obviously don’t just fart around my coworkers in my office but I take so many restroom breaks to “let one rip” my manager has forced me to undergo drug testing because he thinks I’m sneaking off to do cocaine. I was too embarrassed to tell him the truth so I lied and said I only have one kidney and have to pee every hour.

It’s getting dangerous for me, too. I’ve started lighting my farts. It’s mesmerizing but my family’s afraid that I could get hurt. My daughter actually looked at me and said between sobs “Please don’t blow up daddy!” I don’t know what to do.

If you could help me or at least get my story out there so people like me could know they wouldn’t be alone I would be very grateful.


Oh man if I actually land this gig I may have to fart a little more than usual when the cameras are on me.

Thank You Veterans

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Today America honors all the soldiers that have fought for this country and survived (no offense, dead vets but you already have memorial day!). These men and women work the toughest job in the world for little pay and almost no recognition and it’s because of them that we can call this country the land of the free. On behalf of all civilians I just want to say to all the Vets out there in every branch of the military, thank you for shooting all those people.


You shot them in the face, in the chest and in the arms. You shot people in Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, Korea, Japan, France and Germany. You shot them from trenches, from trucks, from planes and from boats. Sometimes you blew them up with bombs. You shot the fuck out of them.


This day isn’t just about the vets who shot people. Many vets out there supplied the guns for shooting, made sure the vehicles were running so they could take the soldiers to the people that needed to be shot. Some vets told others who to shoot and some helped heal the vets who got shot while trying to shoot people. Every soldier out there matters. Not just the ones shooting the guns.


We honor veterans this day because it’s not easy shooting a bunch of people. You have to worry about them shooting back at you. Sometimes you have to worry about accidentally getting shot by soldiers on your side. You might get blown up with a bomb. Serving in the military is a clusterfuck of explosions and bullets and murder. Even if you don’t get shot or exploded you may come out of the military messed up in the head because you had to shoot a bunch of people and/or you were getting shot at all the time. Frankly, you’d probably be some sort of sociopathic monster if that didn’t mess you up at least a little.


When you think about it it’s all pretty fucked up. Frankly, I think rather than spending Veteran’s day honoring vets we should spend it profusely apologizing to them.


So sorry, veterans. Sorry the world’s governments are so messed up that they use war as a way to solve problems. Don’t get me wrong, you still deserve our thanks because you’re ultimately protecting us from other governments’ fucked up agendas but the system is still broken and you pay for it with your lives, limbs and sanity. Maybe in the future wars can be fought by robots shooting the shit out of each other instead of people. Of course, if war ever becomes robot based then Japan will take over the world in a week.

Fucking Oops?

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While searching different news sites for articles to rip off and call my own (just like a real blogger!), I couldn’t fucking escape Rick Perry’s Oops (each highlighted word links a different news story!) from last night’s debate.


I didn’t want to post about it at first because I feel like I’m paying too much attention to him. I’ve already posted about him fellating fair food and shooting first and asking questions never but this is a real turning point in the Perry campaign. A blunder which he may not recover from.


This isn’t about how he had a “brain freeze” or simply that he forgot what he was going to say. It’s about what he forgot. Rick Perry didn’t know what government program to eliminate. A conservative not knowing what piece of government to slash is like a fat guy not knowing what he wants for dessert (trust me. I’m a fat guy and I always know what I want for dessert).


Perry knows this, too. That’s why he was talking about cutting government programs when the question in the debate had nothing to do with cutting programs (the question was about how he could work with democrats across the aisle). He just launched into what he’d slash because he knows to give the people what they want. Conservatives would turn government programs into people if it was possible just so they could watch welfare’s legs twitch as it swung from the gallows rope. Perry had the audience sitting at the edge of their seats just salivating as he said “I will tell you: It’s three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education and the — what’s the third one there?”


What’s the third one? Seriously? Say anything! The FDA, Transportation, anything but the military! That’s your fucking answer! Don’t leave your fans just sitting there with anti-government blue balls!


This could be it for Perry. Between this, the Herman Cain scandal and Michele Bachmann calling everybody a socialist (including her republican opponents) like a broken robot, Mitt Romney may just get the nomination.


So thanks, Perry. Now Mitt Romney’s going to be president and we’ll all have to convert to Mormonism.

President Obama Orders Cuts in Gov’t “Swag”

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The Star Tribune reported that the president will sign an executive order today banning promotional material purchased by government agencies with taxpayer money. The order will also limit cell phones and lap tops issued to federal employees and reduce the size of the executive vehicle fleet but it will ban “swag” outright. Here’s a partial list of some of the promotional items agencies will no longer be issued.


FBI: “Federal Boob Inspector” badges.

TSA: Promotional “Huggy the Box Cutter Groping Bear” plush toys to give to children who opt out of the full body scan.

USDA: “USDA Certified 100% Beefcake” muscle t-shirts.

CIA: Gift baskets and “oops!” Hallmark cards given to released Guantanamo detainees.

CDC: “Brave Patient” stickers, suckers, vaccinations.

DEA: “As seen on the hit show ‘Breaking Bad'” stickers.

ATF: Promotional Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

A photo of the President looking stern. It'll look good when I link this on facebook.




There goes Obama. Cutting government costs like a typical tax and spend Democrat.

Brokeback Iceberg

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Buddy was a bachelor. He had been all his life. He felt out of place living in a society that told him that a man and a woman are supposed to mate for life and have children. He pushed others away, always with the crowd but in solitude. It wasn’t until a trip to Toronto that he met Pedro that he felt like he could even connect with anybody.



Nearly 10 years younger than Buddy, Pedro was a bit naive but had a lust for life that drew Buddy in and kept him captivated. They hit it off right away, discovering they shared passions for things like swimming and sushi. They started doing everything together. Their bond grew and eventually they spent the night together.



Ever since then they spent every night together. People could tell immediately that they were a couple the way they made braying sounds, defended their territory and made a nest together. They were a pair of gay African penguins and they didn’t care who knew.

"Let them judge us, I don't care! Also, SQUACK!"




While one would think that this union wouldn’t be frowned upon in gay friendly Canada, the Toronto Zoo has recently decided to seperate them so they can breed with females. Unfortunately, African penguins are an endangered species and they have a responsibility to keep their race alive.


This is unconscionable. The Toronto Zoo is interfering with true love and while The Center for Functional and Evolutionary Biology reported that penguins exhibit same sex pair bonding when there’s a shortage of females but will mate when females are present, the commentors on the articles about Pedro and Buddy put out a much more compelling argument.

“They should just leave them together – this is like forced marriage..­. They are happy, don’t disrupt their happiness.” – Eddyfrankjack on The Huffington Post.

“hope they use those sharp beaks of theirs and bite off something from the zookeepers. It would be well deserved, that’s what I would do if someone tried to separate me from my true love.” C.L. on The Daily Mail.

“Just leave the penguins alone. If they really are “gay”, then you will break their hearts, I hear they mate for life, maybe not this species. They are also not going to want anything to do with a female so their goal of creating more African Penguins will result in nothing more then a longing male and an embittered female.” AndrewSix on time.com.

“Penguins mate for life!” Holy shit like everybody on every article a thousand times.



I’m sorry, Toronto Zoo but I’m going to have to side with the people that heard a single fact about penguins while absentmindedly watching the discovery channel one time which is why I will not rest until Canada allows gay penguins to marry.


Please, Canadian readers, call whatever your equivalent to a congressman is and tell them to vote yes on Prop 319 to allow gay penguin marriage. Buddy and Pedro deserve to be happy, endangered species be damned.