Author Archives: Bill

The Crazy Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: Spring 2012 Issue.

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The time has come once again for me to scour the site stats for search engine hits because I can’t think of anything else to write about. I seriously love doing these posts and there’s enough crazy ass google searches leading to this blog that I could do a new one every month. For those of you new to the blog this is the fifth time I’ve done this. Click the links below for past installments of the series.


Shitting While Standing Bad For Health

Foreskin Donut

I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job

the fuck you fuck you dairy


Here’s a look at some of the things people type into google (or bing if you’re a tool) that leads them to the jokey musings and fart thoughts that make up youngnotions.com.


what is the medical term for queef?
I didn’t even remember writing about queefs before so I actually google searched “youngnotions queef” and found that it was a comment about queefs from a previous search engine post (thanks, Sheena!) that caused the hit. Now that I’ve typed “queef” a half dozen times I’ll probably get a lot more queef searches. Queeftastic.

Also, just for the queef of it I searched “queef” in wikipedia and there is a page for “vaginal flatulence”. It states the latin term is “flatus vaginalis” so I guess there is a medical term.



how much for a fucking box of girl scout cookies
I love the idea that there’s somebody out there who swears so much they can’t even ask the internet a question without lacing it with profanity. I’m not alone!


i want a fat wife
That’s great but this marriage has the fat husband / thin wife CBS sitcom dynamic going. Just to see how she’d react, I asked Jena what she thought of this search engine term. Her face scrunched up, she swallowed her anger and then said “I have a fat wife!”.


my littleporny
I don’t know if that porn parody exists. I’m not going to search to see if that porn parody exists. I’m just going to hope that it doesn’t exist and move on.


are chinese fire drills illegal in australia
Everybody knows that as long as it’s racist, it’s legal in Australia.



Thanks to everybody who accidentally visited the site searching for Dragon Feet (actual search engine hit) or whatever!

Shower Cap Adventures!

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Hello, friends and weirdos searching for that girl from the “one weird trick to stay asleep all night” ad (we get about 10 search engine hits a day for this one now)! I’m back from my first of three casino shows this month. Wednesday night I was at Black Bear Casino opening for the hilarious Paul Hooper (who you kids in the twin cities can see at the Joke Joint Comedy Club this weekend). Yesterday morning, as I was getting ready to leave the hotel and stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down including but not limited to tiny bottles of shampoo, scratchy towels, single serving packages of coffee and Gideon Bibles –



Placed by the Gideons. Stolen and eaten by Bill Young. That's right. I eat bibles.




I noticed that this hotel provides shower caps. Even before I started going bald I never had my hair long enough to require a shower cap. Frankly, I don’t even know if you can buy these in stores. Maybe shower caps haven’t been used in decades but nobody bothered to tell the hotel industry.


Whatever. I don’t care why they have them but whenever a hotel does provide a shower cap I promptly make sure to wear it.


Why wouldn't you wear a shower cap?




As I packed up my remaining items and got ready to leave, Mr. Hooper knocked on my door. I opened it and told him it’d be just a second. He asked why I was wearing a shower cap and I told him “uhhh… because it’s funny? (see above photo. It is). He agreed but told me he asked in case I had lice or something (which I don’t!). He then dared me to wear it in the casino as we checked out and left. I agreed.


We walked to the front counter, dropped off our key cards and then went to the coffee shop inside the casino. Plenty of people saw the bald guy in a shower cap but nobody batted an eyebrow. I’m not sure if it’s because people hanging out at a casino at 9AM on a Wednesday aren’t exactly self aware or if people think I have a weird medical thing and they’re making an effort to not stare. Either way I’m not getting any the attention that I’m quite plainly craving. I ask to stop at the diner to grab some food to go and we walk all the way to the back of the casino. While we’re at the diner, Hooper ups the ante by suggesting I cry as we walk through the casino back to the car.


I dismiss the idea at first, thinking it’d be too much of a hassle to fake cry for three full minutes but when I get the food and we start walking back I start weeping softly. Squinting, misty eyed and a few sniffles. Hooper is walking a few steps ahead of me and doesn’t even notice I’m crying until we pass a group of people and they just stare at me. He asks if I’m okay, playing along and I say “I just… *sniff* I just, can we go home? I wanna go home”.


Now fully aware of what’s going on, Hooper starts snaking through the casino, trying to walk by as many people as possible as I follow behind, sobbing softly wearing a shower cap and carrying a breakfast sandwich. When we get to the front entrance a double decker bus is parked and and a stream of senior citizens walk into Black Bear, their first sight of their casino journey is that of a grown man walking out crying and wearing a shower cap. Once in the parking lot Hooper looked back and said “Okay, we’re in the clear. You can stop. Seriously, man. Stop it. Please stop crying.”


I’m method. Once you’re in character it’s hard to pull out.

The Casino Buffet.

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Since writing about what a goddamn pig I am last week I’ve made some healthier choices so I can get myself back down to “husky” or “stout”. I’ve been doing some cardio most days and yesterday I even chose carrots when I could have just as easily made a giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich and eaten it in the pantry so the wife and boy wouldn’t witness my shame. My stomach growled like a dealer growing impatient with a junkie coming up with excuses on why he doesn’t have any money but I ate those carrots. I ate them and told myself that was enough.


These are baby steps but I had a dozen people tell me after that blog that I can’t go on a diet, I have to change my lifestyle. This isn’t about temporarily cutting something out until I’ve lost the desired amount of weight but actually rewiring how I make decisions regarding food and exercise. It makes sense but changing the way one thinks about something as fundamental as eating isn’t the easiest task. To make it even harder I have three shows in casinos this month.



Casino gigs are usually pretty rough. I’ve done shows in a half dozen casinos and the set up has always been the same. You’re usually performing in the “lounge”. A bar in the middle of the casino that isn’t separated from the casino by any walls so the maddening electronic beeps and dings of slot machines assault you from all sides. The only people hanging out in the lounge are the ones that lost all their money already and are waiting for their friends to finish or the bingo bus to arrive or the cyanide capsule to kick in or whatever. It’s pretty much like that episode of Louie but I don’t get to bang Joan Rivers at the end of the night.


You can't tell by looking at it but in this photo I'm telling jokes at a comedy show. Somebody paid me to do this.




The above picture was taken at a casino bar in Wisconsin. The bar was in the middle of the casino and the walkway was the only way to get from one side of the casino to the other. There was no stage and no stage lights. There was no speaker system in the bar so they hooked the mic up to the PA system for the entire casino. Three people were in the bar my entire set and one had his back turned to me, watching the TV that the bartender didn’t turn off for the show. It was the second worst casino gig I’ve ever performed at.


While casino shows are usually an uphill battle and I normally don’t get my hopes up, sometimes they turn out well. For example, any booking agent for any of my upcoming casino gigs googling my name probably has the best show ever. Whether the show itself is good or bad, there’s always one thing to look forward to performing at a casino. The free buffet –


I feel like I died of a heart attack at a young age and went to fat people heaven!




I normally treat the “all you can eat” suggestion of a buffet as a command to eat until I physically am unable to eat anymore and the casino buffet is no exception. Even the smallest casinos usually have a huge buffet with a giant selection. When eating at a buffet the fat part of my mind and the poor part of my mind get together and I eat as much as possible because the more I eat, the better use I’m making of the money I spent and when the buffet is free it’s like I hit the jackpot. They say the house always wins but I’m fucking Rain Man in the casino buffet. I’ll down three plates before I even hit the dessert and when I do get dessert it’s cake, cookies and ice cream. Maybe a slice of pie, too if they got french silk.


I should mention that when I down three plates of food, these are plates arranged fat guy style. When heaping food onto your plate at the casino buffet you have several options –


Regular People:
A normal person will get a few things at the buffet. Maybe even start out with a salad plate and put salad on it. Then they go for a second trip and get food, something that makes sense like turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy and why the hell not a slice of pizza (these people normally wouldn’t have a slice of pizza with a turkey dinner but it’s a buffet!). Third trip they’ll get a dessert.

Overeaters (people like me):
Salad bar? Fuck that. The only time I’m going to the salad bar is to get some chocolate pudding or ranch dressing to dip my chicken fingers. First trip is to get a sampling of as many things as possible on the plate. Foods that were never meant to touch are plopped right next to each other and if a little gravy gets on the spaghetti, so be it. Second trip is for anything that got left out and a second helping of the favorite from the first plate. Third plate is the cool down round. Something light and maybe something weird that I’ve never tried before. Then as many desserts as possible.

The Vacuums:
There are always people at the casino buffet that make my eating habits look normal. These people probably didn’t even come to gamble unless it’s a metaphorical game of Russian Roulette where the chamber’s their aorta, the bullet is a hunk of fat and the trigger is a pile of honey glazed ham. These are the kind of people that have mathematically worked out how much food they can get on a plate to minimize trips and the energy spent walking. One time I saw a lady balance two plates on the front basket of her Rascal scooter while she held a third in her hands. Another time I saw a guy cover a plate of food with pizza slices and then put food on top of the pizza slices. He used food as a plate to put food on top of other foods. These are the champions. The kind of people whose ranks I could one day join if I make the wrong choices.


Like I said, getting healthier is about changing the lifestyle. If I refuse the casino buffet I’ll probably just end up there in the morning eating 50 sausage links for breakfast. I need to make the decision to go there and not eat “all I can eat” otherwise I’ll end up like pizza plate guy, trying to avoid eye contact with the chef as he cuts up the roast beef. The chef, having seen this plenty of times in his career asks “should I just put it on top of the pizza, sir?”


First casino gig’s tomorrow. I’ll let you know if I used the salad plate for salad.

Youngnotions.com Will Drop Sponsorship of Rush Limbaugh Immediately.

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Today I would like to announce that youngnotions.com will be ending it’s 25 year relationship with the Rush Limbaugh show in light of his recent comments about activist Sandra Fluke.


While advertising on Rush Limbaugh’s program has certainly brought over a lot of the core conservative demographic that we aim at, Rush’s statements and subsequent bullshit non apology have crossed a line of decency for us.


While readers of the blog have called on us to pull advertising many times in the past, like when he said Michael J. Fox was faking his Parkinson’s symptoms in a commercial for stem cell research. We decided to keep giving him money.


People sent petitions with hundreds of signatures to the offices of youngnotions.com when he called American soldiers who criticized the Iraq war “phony soldiers” but we decided to keep advertising with him.


When Rush played the “parody” song “Barack the Magic Negro” and continued to play it and even defend it when called out on it’s offensiveness, we stayed by his side.


When Rush admitted to being addicted to painkillers and was arrested for doctor shopping to get painkillers but then served no jail time because he paid $30,000 which is funny because on his radio show he said drug offenders should be convicted and sent up the river so now he’s proven that he’s a liar and a hipocrite, we kept advertising with him.


His comments about Sandra Fluke, however, are frankly too much. While we were happy in our relationship with a lying, hipocritical, racist, anti soldier anti disability talk show host we cannot ethically pay advertising money to a lying, hypocritical, racist, anti-soldier, anti disability drug addict talk show host who is also misogynist.


We hope conservative fans of youngnotions.com understands our position and will continue to support us. We’ll still bring you all the tradition and family values that you enjoy five days a week and you’ll be glad to know that all revenue that was directed towards ads on Rush Limbaugh’s program will be shifted to the construction of Glenn Beck’s “Spaceship to Heaven”.

this is actually his mugshot. No lie.

City Pages Readers Poll Voting Guide

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Every year twin cities alternative news weekly City Pages does a “Best of the Twin Cities” issue. Our local source for information on expensive restaurants and cheap prostitutes asks it’s readers to put in their vote for such categories as “best place for a first date” and “best lake” (how can I choose? THERE’S TEN THOUSAND OF THEM). One of the categories is “best blog” so if you like what you read here and live in the twin cities why don’t you


COME OOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNN




Some of you may wonder how I could be deluded enough to say that this is the best blog in the Twin Cities but do I need to remind you of all the good this blog has done in the last year?


Who got pepper sprayed by riot cops while breaking the story of Occupy Wall Street? This blog. Who raised less than $50,000 in charity last year? This blog. Who hosted peace talks between Israel and Palestine? This blog. Who made you realize that the word “blog” sounds really weird if you read it several times in the same paragraph? This blog. We’ve done so much for you and all we ask is that you take a minute to tell a free newspaper that we’re better than everybody else.


Don’t just vote for us, though. There’s plenty of other categories in their reader poll and if you’re having trouble deciding who to vote for, you can just use my handy-dandy voter recommendation guide!


youngnotions.com recommends –


Best Bus Route
The 17.
It takes me from my place to The Monday Night Comedy Show. That’s where the drinks are.

Best Lake
I seriously don’t know how one lake is better than another so I’m just going to say Lake Harriet because I got married in front of that one.

Best Local Blog
youngnotions.com . Duh.

Best Local Boy Made Good
Charles Lindbergh. He’s our most famous racist.

Best Local Girl Made Good
Mandi Young. She bailed me out of jail at 4AM, people. 4AM!

Best Local Website
http://www.davidicke.com/

Best Neighborhood
North Minneapolis

Best Place For a First Date
North Minneapolis

Best Place to People Watch
North Minneapolis

Best Place to Take Out of Town Guests
North Minneapolis

Best Politician
Michele Bachmann (she has provided me with countless hours of entertainment).

Best State Fair Food
Beer from a backpack sneaked in

Best Street
Asphalt

Best Strip Club
Under the Stone Arch Bridge on Saturday nights (the homeless women will give a lapdance for a sandwich).

Best Tweeter
@ThePatrickBauer

Best Villian
Doctor Light



Jesus Christ I clicked “next” and there’s like 30 more questions. Whatever. Use your best judgement for the other categories or just do what I did and fill out “Baba Booey” for everything. Thanks for voting!

Spam!

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Last night I was a guest on the Apropos of Nothing podcast. We talked about my jail times and sophisticated things like animal diarrhea. Towards the end of the podcast Jena read the spam comment of the week. Every week they take one of the spam comments on the website and read it out loud for the listeners. That got me to thinking what kind of spam does this site get? The search engine hits alone are pretty messed up so let’s look at what we have for spam.


Comment from Craigslist Job Postings: The Legend Continues –

Submitted on 2012/02/28 at 7:06 pm
Can I simply just say what a comfort to discover an individual who actually knows what they are talking about on the internet. You actually realize how to bring an issue to light and make it important. More and more people ought to look at this and understand this side of your story. I was surprised you are not more popular given that you surely possess the gift.

I’m actually a little scared at the thought of the spambots knowing that I’m a compliment whore.


From The Drunk Heckler: A One Act Play Written by me When I Was a Kinda Douchey 22 Year Old –

Currently being the Father in the Brie can b pd ank r ial a h daughter prepares for her assive day.

Tell me about it, I remember how pd ank I was on my daughter’s assive day as I stood waist deep in soft cheese. This might not have been spam.


From So I Went to Jail Last Night: Bonus Track –

What do you think of 115 thinkgs about women:

1. Maternity Leave- 6 months paid vacation and all you do is have a baby.
2. We got off the Titanic first
3. We are better dancers
4. Taxis stop for us first
5. We can pretend to be pregnant and get lots of attention on buses
6. We don’t go bald after our 26th birthdays
7. We can cry and get out of stressful situations. Like a speeding ticket. Heck, crying gets you out of anything.
8. We can flirt our way out of a speeding ticket. Heck, you can flirt your way out of anything.
9. We live longer than men
10. We smell better
11. Phone conversations are better than a soap opera
12. Ladies Night.
13. We don’t have to open our own jars.
14. We don’t have to kill our own food.
15. We get put up on a pedistal
16. We rarely have to carry our own suitcases.
17. We know stuff about everyone.
18. Short skirts will always cure unemployment
19. You’re 5 times less likely to kill yourself
20. You never get a draft card.
21. It’s easier to get a credit card.
22. You rule the bathroom
23. It’s ok for you to marry for money.
24. Long nails make great weapons.

They actually have 115 things listed but I’ll just end it there for sake of brevity. Also, when did Dave Barry start writing spam emails?


Feel free to post an original spam comment in the comments section below! Winner gets my credit card number! Nigerian princes are ineligible for the contest. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, holy shit my credit is ruined.


Why is junk email called Spam, anyway? Rather than search it out I'll just go ahead and assume it originated on 4chan like every meme ever.

I’m So Goddamn Fat.

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I’ve been fat for a really long time. As an adult I’ve bounced around between 220-250 pounds. My weight fluctuation usually follows a pattern of –


1. Do something strenuous that leaves me gasping for air (shovel the diveway, help a friend move, play a game of kickball, run a half block).

2. Decide to weigh myself after anybody who saw me do the strenuous activity asks if I’m okay and comments how my entire head turned purple during said strenuous activity.

3. Realize that I’m really fat and start working out / dieting. Drop 25 – 30 pounds.

4. Slowly gain weight back, go back to step one.


This cycle usually repeats itself every year or so but the cycle was broken when my bathroom scale died and I didn’t bother getting a new one. We all know ignoring a problem makes the problem go away and as long as I can still tie my own shoes I figured I’m fine. Then I got arrested.


One of the many things they didn’t tell me during the booking process is that at one point I stood on a scale. There was no scale to be seen so I guess it was some cleverly hidden floor thing that weighed me while I got my mugshot. Why don’t they tell you? Were too many self conscious fat people holding up the line by asking to take their pants and shirt off to make sure that the scale gets an accurate reading? Whatever the reason, I found out when my weight was listed on the bracelet they gave me.


268 pounds.



Holy shit that’s the fattest I’ve ever been. That’s weird, though. I don’t think I look that different. Check it out –

Maybe it's all beard weight.





That doesn’t look much different than when I was 30 pounds lighter. The jail scale’s gotta be off or something. That’s it. Probably wasn’t calibrated right.



Wait. What happens if I tilt the angle a bit and move my chin down a little?

Holy shit! Kevin Spacey's gonna make me eat until I die!




AAAAHHH!


Alright. I think it might be time to go back on a diet and start exercising. Dieting’s never easy for me. I eat like a pig. Here’s some of the biggest reasons for why I look like the mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.


Peanut Butter

I actually buy Roundy's Peanut Butter because I'm poor but they don't have any images on google image search so here you go.





I fucking love eating peanut butter so much. The amount of peanut butter I put on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is pretty disgusting. I’ve used up to a fifth of a jar on a sandwich and I usually make two sandwiches or more. One time I made a hotdog and wondered what it would taste like if I spread peanut butter on the bun. I didn’t follow through with it but the fact that I even thought about it is a little disturbing. Sometimes I take flour tortillas (the giant Chipotle burrito sized ones) and just make a peanut butter and jelly burrito.


Snack Cakes

"Do you eat the icing first or the cake first?" I shove the whole thing in my mouth when nobody's looking and cry.





The picture is of a Hostess cupcake but I’ll eat any brand. Dolly Madison, Mrs. Freshly’s, Entenmann’s, whatever. I’ll take whatever the gas station is selling. I’ll get a package of these anytime I stop at a gas station for any reason. If I’m at a grocery store I’ll get the 12 pack and pretend like they’re for the whole family but Jena and Jared are usually lucky if they get two snack cakes a piece before I have devoured them all. I don’t even bother trying to blame somebody else for eating them all. Whatever. I’m fat. Consider yourself lucky you got two.



Beer
This has become less of an issue recently as I’m finding that I can’t really handle my beer as well the next day (beer shits. I might have a mild gluten allergy or something) but a six pack of beer will cost you 1000-1300 calories, depending on how tasty the beer is (tastier = more calories).


Those are the three main things I need to cut out (I’m aware that I have to eat healthier in general, but these are the main three accomplices to my mantits). My ultimate goal is to not have a Kevin Smith experience when I board a plane in April. Fingers crossed!

Another Response to Craigslist Job Postings!

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Every week I search the craigslist job listings under “talent” and “tv/video/film” and while most of them are either porn companies and stip clubs looking for “talent” or student filmmakers holding open auditions for their totally artistic and not at all pretentious project, there’s always some worth responding to. Here’s the latest diamond in the rough –


TLC CASTING EXTREME CHEAPSKATES
Congratulations, Minneapolis!

This morning, you were named one of most frugal city in America. That’s excellent news for your wallet — and excellent news for everyone’s favorite cable network: TLC. Having just completed two awesome seasons of Extreme Couponing, we’re looking for another breed of thrifty genius: the Extreme Cheapskate.

Just prior to new years, we aired a special that featured a man who washed and reused his paper towels, and another who cooked and ate goat’s head all in the interest of saving a few dollars. Now, we’re excited to say that we’ll be making the topic an eight-episode series, and we’re looking for folks who have unique and smart ways to cut corners and pinch pennies.

If you’re interested in being considered, and have some amazing cost-cutting measures that other people will find amazing, don’t hesitate to get in touch with us. To see clips of the special, check out TLC’s website — there are a few videos showing the good-natured and fun look we took into people’s brilliant frugal moments.

For more information about the casting requirements, check out www.michaelpetrella.com/current — all of the relevant details are listed there, but you’re welcome to e-mail from this posting directly.

Compensation: TBD
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.



Here’s my response.



Hi, TLC! I’d say I love your network but I’m actually too cheap to get cable. It’s expensive!

I’ve actually been cheap all my life. I think I picked up the habit from my mother when I was little. She was so cheap, she would clip coupons for the dollar store. I could already tell that I was thrifty at a young age because I never even paid attention.

Now, in adulthood, I’ll do everything to save a buck. I rarely eat out. In fact, when I do go out, I’m so cheap I go to KFC and lick other people’s fingers. My eating habits at home have been affected, too. I actually found that you can save on milk by eating cereal with a fork.

I’ve taken measures around the house to pinch pennies as well. I disconnected the doorbell to lower my electric bill so when people push the button I have to stick my head out the window and yell “DING DONG”. I also never buy new appliances. My TV is so old that it has two channels. On and off. I’m actually so cheap that when somebody came over to my house and stepped on a cigarette butt I asked who turned out the heat.

I should go now. The people at the coffee shop start to ask questions if you don’t buy anything and I’ve been here for four days now. Hope to hear from you soon!

Man, I can’t wait until I’m a big time reality TV star.

Spring Break! Woo (or not)!

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The story of the protestor is the story of a hero. It’s no small wonder that Time named The Protestor it’s 2011 person of the year. Activism has, throughout history, been the impetus of change and progress towards equality. Bringing to light oppression and clamoring for the case of human rights, activism has been seen in everything from racial issues, gender issues, ecological issues, working conditions and spring break.


Yes. Spring break.


This is the story of the brave parents and students of Sartell, MN who are fighting to save spring break. The school board in this central MN town has decided to spread spring break out over the course of extended weedends in the late winter / early spring and these stalwart souls saw the grave injustice that is taking a week off from school and not eliminating it but spreading it around. These people realize the necessity for high school students to have spring break. They know how important it is for a young mind to do a beer bong at Senor Frog’s in Cancun. They know how character building it can be to ask Siri if morning after pills are over the counter in Orlando between dry heaves.


Much like Mahatma Ghandi, the good people of Sartell have taken civil disobedience as far as creating a facebook page and t shirts to raise awareness of their struggle.


"I Bet My Hunger Strike Will Get More Likes Than the British Army!"




From a declaration on one of their facebook pages (there’s more than one!) – “This is a group of outraged parents/students we are the majority in Sartell and we will not stand for the actions of our school board, we will oppose the decision of the school board, until they realize they have no right to take away the sacred [spring break],”


Keep fighting the good fight, people of Sartell. You know your cause is a noble one if the Beastie Boys wrote a song about it. Vox populi, vox dei.

If Making Fun of Michele Bachmann is Illegal I May Have More Jail Stories to Post Real Soon.

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I’m not obsessed with Michele Bachmann. Sure, she’s been the subject of ridicule from me a few times and I’ve even taken shots at her as she faded from the political limelight but it’s nothing more than the product of lazy writing. She’s crazy, constantly in the news (especially here in MN) and when you’re trying to get a new blog posted every weekday by noon sometimes you pick the low hanging fruit.


Unfortunately, I may have to start looking at other fruit to pick because insulting Michele Bachmann is now something that can prompt a grand jury investigation.



Seriously. A grand jury in D.C. just subpoenaed twitter to get the identity of a user that “professed desire to engage in sadomasochistic activities” with Michele Bachmann. Somebody should have told him that Marcus is more the whips and chains type.


The man, known only as “Mr. X” in the subpoena, tweeted last year “I want to fuck Michelle Bachman (sic) in the ass with a Vietnam era machete”. Hell, the paragraph following is so hilarious I’m going to post the whole thing, unedited (the entire subpoena can be found on the strib article linked above).


“Unfortunately, an overview of Mr. X’s Twitter page is warranted. Mr. X’s body of tweets is extremely crude and in almost incomprehensibly poor taste. Occasionally political but almost consistently vacuous, his oeuvre represents an infantile attempt at humor that brings to mind the most obscene aspects of Andrew Dice Clay, but without even the infinitesimal modicum of artistic creativity that Mr. Clay managed to possess. The page is entirely without merit, comedic or otherwise. More offensive even than Mr. X’s chosen vocabulary is the pathetic transparency and vapidity of his attempt to elicit the attention on the internet that he surely lacks in real life. Somehow, this attempt has succeeded to the tune of, at the time of the issuance of this Order, 736 followers – a number that will certainly and regrettably grow once this Order is released to the public. A sad state of affairs indeed. Readers are free, though ill-advised, to form their own opinions regarding Mr. X’s output in their own time. It suffices here to include a mere sampling some representative tweets, which are replicated without modification.

Goddamn I just smacked my wife with my Dick… Now she has a cock shaped bruise on her face… Take that take that take that (there were a few more tweets in the subpoena but I’ll just leave it at that)



Holy shit this Mr. X guy just got served in more ways than one. Judge Smackdown tore this guy apart! I seriously hope my body of work is never submitted to a grand jury because I don’t think I could handle the criticism. That was harsh.


This all seems a bit silly, really. I obviously don’t care for Crazyeyes McGaypray but I don’t wish her any physical harm (you hear that, CIA? I’m harmless!). Genuine threats to her should be investigated but I sincerely doubt this is a sincere threat. He’s just a shitty comedian trying to get shock value laughs. Mr. X probably won’t be getting his hands on any machete, Vietnam era or otherwise and Michele Bachmann’s ass can stop worrying and get back to clenching every time somebody tries to force energy efficient light bulbs on her.


Judging by the uncomfortable look on her face in this pic maybe Mr. X actually did follow through.