New Year’s Resolution Update: Flossing.

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Bill

It’s Monday so that means it’s time to take another look at all those New Year’s Resolutions I made and see how I’m doing. Today I’d like to take a look at the 11th resolution that I threw in a week after my original post. Floss every day.

I’ve actually been pretty good with this one. Missed a couple of days here and there over the last four weeks but for the most part I’ve been flossing before I brush every day. This is a big change from my old routine. My old routine was –

1. Buy floss.
2. Use once.
3. Repeat after 6 months.

My first time flossing in a while was a bit of a… bloody experience but now I’m in a groove I can get that minty string all up in my gums without any blood at all. To help out people who are in the same boat I was in a few weeks ago I’ve put together a handy little picture guide to getting back on that flossing horse. Here you go!

Okay, so you haven’t flossed in a while and the last time you did floss you weren’t exactly in a “daily routine”. That’s fine! The important thing is that you’ve decided to make an effort now to have better dental hygine. Now you may be thinking that even when you did floss you may not have been doing it right so don’t worry. I’ll go through step by step the correct way to floss so you can get the best results for your effort!

STEP 1:
Take about 18 inches of dental floss and wrap the ends around your middle fingers until you have about 4-6 inches to work with. Slide the floss between two teeth with a sawing motion.
flossing 002

STEP 2:
Glide the floss up and down between your teeth, making sure to get all the way into the tip of the gums. If you haven’t flossed in a while there may be some slight bleeding but that’s perfectly normal.
flossing 003

STEP 3:
Unwrap a little floss from one hand and wrap up a little in the other to make sure you have a clean piece as you go from tooth to tooth. Don’t worry about the blood. Your gums are probably just a little inflamed from the plaque buildup and as you make flossing a regular part of your daily hygiene you’ll experience no bleeding in the future!
flossing 005

STEP 4
After flossing most of your teeth you may experience bleeding in other orifices. As shown here, blood has filled my sinus cavities and is now spilling out of my tear ducts as it cannot come out of my mouth fast enough.
flossing 007

STEP 5
If this is your first time flossing in a while you may experience some dizzyness from blood loss and even briefly lose consciousness. This is totally normal. Once you have regained consciouness clean yourself up and make sure to floss the next day. It gets easier every time!
flossing 008

Hope this helps!

George Lucas Thankfully not Directing Next “Star Wars” Movie.

Posted on January 25, 2013 by Bill

I like Star Wars.

I’m not a Star Wars nerd, but I do like Star Wars. I’ve seen the original trilogy multiple times and saw all the shitty prequels in the theater the day they were released. I own a plastic lightsaber. I read the Thrawn trilogy in high school and for an english class group project we made a film spoof of Camelot and I played Mordred in a Darth Vader mask. Also I walked around high school in this t-shirt –

I was getting so much pussy in high school that it was distracting from my studies so I threw this t-shirt on and joined marching band to give me a moment’s peace.

All this and I’m still not a Star Wars nerd.

Star Wars nerds have read the hundreds of Star Wars novels, comic books and guides available. They read and edit the nearly 101,000 articles on Wookiepedia, the Star Wars wiki where even the types of trees on the planet Chewbacca is from get their own six paragraph article. Those are Star Wars Nerds and I am not one of them.

I do enjoy Star Wars, however, and have an opinion on JJ Abrams directing the next film.

I’m for it.

I’m for it because I’ve enjoyed other stuff he’s directed but I’m mostly for it because he’s not George Lucas.

Want to know why the prequels sucked so bad? George Lucas wrote and directed them.

Think about it. Empire Strikes Back was written and directed by other people, Return of the Jedi was directed and co-written by different people. The two best Star Wars movies were made by people who weren’t George Lucas. Sure, he hit a home run with the first film but he came back and re-released the original trilogy 20 years later and made them all worse! He’s a madman who will go back and ruin his own good movies!

Frankly, keeping George Lucas as far as possible from the new movie is probably the best thing for it.

What’s weird is that I’ve seen a lot of people online commenting about Abrams directing it but nobody’s talking about who’s writing it. Not George Lucas.

George Lucas is being credited with writing the “characters” but the actual writing credit is going to Michael Arndt. Know what else Michael Arndt wrote? Toy Story 3 and Little Miss Sunshine.

So I’m not a Star Wars nerd and I’m sure there are Star Wars nerds out there who are furious about the new movie but I’m looking forward to seeing it.

The Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines Volume 473: Toe Sock Sex

Posted on January 24, 2013 by Bill

Many of our regular readers know that occasionally I’ll plumb the depths of our site stats to find out what people are typing into search engines like bing or blekko that lead them to this site. It’s been a while so let’s take a look at what you pervs are asking Jeeves when nobody is looking!

Toe Socks Sex
We’ve actually had two hits from this. Somewhere out there there’s two people who are searching for porn involving this-

Almost all toe socks are multicolored or rainbow striped. It’s impossible to find normal toe socks because there’s no such thing as normal toe socks.

Two people (at least) with this very specific fetish. Call me a hopeless romantic but I think these two people could possibly be soul mates. I think this could make for a great movie.

Start off with a lonely divorced guy wandering the mall looking for something to fill the void in his heart that his wife left when she took the kids. He stumbles upon some toe socks in a Gadzooks window. He immediately falls in love with them and works up the nerve to go in and buy a pair but the last were just sold to a quirky twentysomething artist that’s using them for a kooky sculpture or something. She gives him a flyer for her art show and heads out.

Frustrated, he crumples up the flyer, shoves it in his pocket and goes home to find pictures of toe socks on the internet to drool over. He eventually finds a pair of toe socks that were worn by Zooey Deschanel that were worn on the set of New Girl up for auction and knows he must have them! He enters a fierce bidding war with somebody but loses it at the last minute.

Eventually he finds the crumpled up flyer for the art gallery show “Fuzzytoes” and decides to go and check it out. There on display he sees the rainbow striped Zooey Deschanel toe socks right in the middle of the gallery. While he admires the prize he lost the artist comes up to him and says “Beautiful, aren’t they? I almost lost the auction. Whoever “SockSlut69″ is he sure wanted to own these. Can’t say I blame him, though. Toe socks are really sexy.”

They lock eyes and kiss. The remaining 45 minutes is just them banging in toe socks. Tastefully, though. This isn’t some gross toe sock porn. It’s an R-rated toe sock fetishist romance film.

New Year’s Resolution Update: RESOLUTION X (Don’t give up!)

Posted on January 22, 2013 by Bill

Alright, kiddos. It’s time once again to take a weekly look at all those promises I made January 1st and see how they’re holding up. Let’s just look at the ones I’ve broken this week.

Work out every day I’m not working my day job.
This one’s probably the one I want to accomplish the most but has been the hardest one to get into a groove. I’m looking to lose some pounds and tone up so I can conquer the mocking island of fat failure. Jena even bought me a pull up bar to help me out but I haven’t even installed it in the door frame (who even owns a drill these days, right?). I did go for a walk yesterday but came back after 15 minutes because it was too cold.

No more junk food
I’ve been doing okay with this one for the most part. There have been some setbacks (damn your convenience and affordability, fast food!) but I’ve been eating healthier overall. Except for Sunday. Sunday there was a pumpkin pie.

There’s been an entire pumpkin pie in the freezer since Thanksgiving. I decided that some freezer space needed to be cleared up so I brought it out and ate some pie with the wife. Here’s a pie chart to show how that went down.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are the limits of my ms paint abilities.

RED: How much pie I cut for myself
GREEN: Additional pie put on my plate because I cut the first slice all sloppy and there was just loose pie bits hanging around in the tin.
BLUE: Jena’s slice.
YELLOW: Thought it was safe but I totally came back for it like ten minutes later.
BLACK: Remaining pie. Currently in fridge. Going to ask the wife and boy to eat that soon because I CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

So yeah, pumpkin pie is delicious and I’m an awful glutton.

Quit playing stupid flash games
This has been the hardest one of all my resolutions to kick. I don’t think I’ve even strung two days together on this one. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Actually meet all my writing deadlines for this website and my sketch comedy stuff.
Well, this was supposed to go up yesterday so…

Stop biting my fingernails.
This has been the second toughest thing to kick. No clue why, just can’t get enough of that sweet, sweet keratin.

Get more standup comedy work in 2013.
Hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know why not. I haven’t tried to get any work. I guess the only thing I can do now is to actually try to get work. Hopefully doing something will yield better results than doing nothing.

Hard to tell, though. I’ve never tried doing something before. First time for everything, I guess.

More resolutioney goodness next week!

The First Annual Minneapolis Winter Carnival!

Posted on January 17, 2013 by Bill

Long ago King Boreas, lord of the four winds, stumbled on a charming little town in Minnesota. The street layout made no sense and almost everything shut down at 8PM. Their downtown was a barren wasteland, devoid of any activity which was probably a blessing because if more than 12 people were there it was almost impossible to find parking.

Boreas took pity upon the little hamlet, with it’s statues of Snoopy and pathetic attempt to make LaCrosse look like a professional sport people care about. “I shall make a carnival in Old Saint Paul!” Boreas exclaimed. “There will be ice carvings and a parade and buttons. People like buttons, right?”

Year after year Saint Paul was temporarily revitalized by Boreas’ generosity. The streets were filled with dozens of people as they frolicked in a winter wonderland and all was good. There were two parades! One during the day and one at night but not too late because people still had to get to bed. A giant ice palace was erected! People hunted all over parks searching for buried treasure! For ten days out of the year the streets of Saint paul were not ruled by the wandering homeless but merry revelers! King Boreas looked down on the celebration he created and called it good.

Eventually, though, Boreas grew bored at the late hour of 8 PM when everybody would go to sleep. The residents of Saint Paul were not used to such merriment and all this activity tuckered them out even earlier than usual. King Boreas looked around for anybody to join him in winter fun but all the residents slumped away, mumbling something about having to get up at like 7:00 for work. He wandered up to St. Paul’s highest hill and cried “Isn’t there anything to do around here?!?” He then looked to the west for the first time and saw a bustling metropolis filled with skycrapers, lights and activity. He crossed the river into Minneapolis and declared “THIS! This shall be the site of my new Winter Carnival! The Minneapolis Winter Carnival!”

King Boreas planted his flag into the frozen ground and proclaimed “and Denson & Young shall headline our first carnival!”

Come see the show that made Boreas cross the Mississippi. Come see Denson and Young present The First Minneapolis Winter Carnival Opening Ceremonies (on ice)!

Urquhart

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Bill

This is Kate.

kate1

Kate’s a buddy of mine. She’s a stand up comic and has a couple of podcasts, The Podcast of Comedy and Waiting for the Pizza. I’d usually see Kate at open mics and I’ve been on Waiting for the Pizza a couple of times (check out the episodes here!). She’s nice. I like her.

Kate and her partner Barb have been having a bit of trouble lately. Kate was diagnosed with cervical cancer. She went through a round of treatments, all documented about on her blog and seemed to beat it but cancer is a sneaky little fucker and found a new home in her liver. Shit went south for the treatments for that and she’s now in the hospital clinging to life. Barb has been updating all their friends via facebook and while she may turn around and recover, she may not.

All this time Barb has been at Kate’s side she hasn’t been able to work much and money was going to become a concern. To help out, some comics around town started a online charity drive to help her out. When I first thought about doing a post about this last night I thought I could help out by pimping the campaign on the site here but when I woke up this morning they were already less than $100 away from their goal.

The campaign was posted less than 48 hours ago. How fucking cool is that?

On top of that, the House of Comedy is putting on a benefit show for Kate and Barb next Tuesday and Maria Bamford is headlining!

They deserve no less. This site actually owes some of it’s readership to Barb since she emailed my “It Gets Better” letter to Phil Hinkle to Savage Love and they reposted it on their blog. I hate seeing shitty things happen to good people but it’s wonderful to see so many people rally around them in their time of need.

That’s really all this post is about today. Showing support to people who have brightened our lives. Jena and I are pulling for Kate and I invite anybody reading this to pray to their preferred god if they have one (I’m currently placing burnt offerings before a Voltron made from Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, Buddha and Krishna) to get Kate through this. You can also donate to the campaign and attend the benefit show with Maria Bamford next Tuesday. The Comedy Corner Underground is having a charity show this Friday as well and I’m sure more events will pop up the next week or so because Twin Cities comics are the fucking best.

New Year’s Resolution Update #2: Now With 60% Less Failure!

Posted on January 14, 2013 by Bill

As some of you may know, last week I started tracking the progress of my New Year’s Resolutions. It had a bit of a “>rocky start but this week I had no cold to keep me down so I only broke three of my resolutions instead of seven!

With no illness as an excuse, I can really look at last week as an indicator of which of these resolutions will be the hardest to overcome. These are the ones that will take the most willpower and work on my part. These are the mountains I have to climb, the demons I have to slay. These are –

* quit biting my fingernails.
* work out every day I’m not at my day job
* stop playing flash games

Wow. I get having a hard time with the workout thing. That’s pretty common. You tell somebody that you’re having a hard time getting to the gym everyday and they’ll probably nod in agreement or provide emotional support or whatever. Tell somebody you can’t stop biting your nails and you don’t get quite the warm reception. It’s just harder to explain because you really gain nothing from it. It doesn’t make you feel good, it’s not a drug, it’s just a thing some people do for some reason. Half the time I don’t even notice I’m doing it until the nail is in my mouth. My friend Brody once bought some clear nail polish that tasted like ass to stop biting his cuticles. Maybe I’ll get some of that.

The flash game addiction is slightly different. People get why you’d play stupid games on the internet but they just think you’re a loser. Nobody gives a shit if you give up playing free online games.

Thinking about it, I really should have started some serious addictions before the New Year to make it more interesting. Quitting heroin and prostitutes would have been a lot more compelling than “throwing my hands up in the air and saying ‘YES’ when I fart in the living room.”

By the way, I’m proud to report I haven’t done that all week. It’s been really hard.

Oh, Republicans! Volume #5,360,285

Posted on January 11, 2013 by Bill

Move over, already way too overcrowded group of Republican politicians that have said horrible things in the last year, there’s a new Republican saying horrible things about rape and he’s here to defend your honor!

Georgia Rep. (they’re not always southern but they’re usually sothern) Phil Gingrey stepped up to the plate to defend Todd Akin’s awful “Legitimate Rape” comments.

In case you missed it, Todd Akin was running for Senate this summer and he said this on a news show –

“From what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment. But the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

Now granted, this was in Missouri so he may have actually heard that from doctors but it was wrong.

Akin lost the election just like a half dozen other Republicans who said awful things about rape over the summer. It was actually pretty disturbing to see so many people in or trying to get into political office have such backwards views but it all mercifully died down once the election was over. OR DID IT?

Rep Gingrey felt poor Akin needed to be defended so he up and told the Marietta Journal that Todd Akin wasn’t completely off with his statement. Here’s the full quote.

“In Missouri, Todd Akin … was asked by a local news source about rape and he said, “Look, in a legitimate rape situation” — what he meant by legitimate rape was just look, someone can say I was raped: a scared-to-death 15-year-old that becomes impregnated by her boyfriend and then has to tell her parents, that’s pretty tough and might on some occasion say, “Hey, I was raped.” That’s what he meant when he said legitimate rape versus non-legitimate rape. I don’t find anything so horrible about that. But then he went on and said that in a situation of rape, of a legitimate rape, a woman’s body has a way of shutting down so the pregnancy would not occur. He’s partly right on that. …
And I’ve delivered lots of babies, and I know about these things. It is true. We tell infertile couples all the time that are having trouble conceiving because of the woman not ovulating, “Just relax. Drink a glass of wine. And don’t be so tense and uptight because all that adrenaline can cause you not to ovulate.” So he was partially right wasn’t he? But the fact that a woman may have already ovulated 12 hours before she is raped, you’re not going to prevent a pregnancy there by a woman’s body shutting anything down because the horse has already left the barn, so to speak. And yet the media took that and tore it apart.

Gingrey’s comment may have a little medical know-how than Akin’s but has the same fundamental flaw. These two are basically stating that the problem isn’t rape, it’s girls “crying rape” or using rape as an excuse.

See, the only real bulletproof defense in the abortion debate the pro choice side has is the whole “in instances of rape an incest” so Republicans have taken to trying to poke holes in that by trying to introduce the idea that rape doesn’t happen as much as you’d think it would when the exact opposite is true.

Frankly, I love these guys. I can’t tell you how glad I am that people like Phil Gingrey are out there speaking out for what they believe. With people like him, the republicans can purge every woman voter from the party by 2016.

Flu Season Survival Guide

Posted on January 10, 2013 by Bill

The U.S. is in the middle of a flu epidemic. CNN is saying this is the worst flu season we’ve had in over a decade and many hospitals across the country are feeling the strain of the increase of flu related hospitalizations. Here’s some helpful tips to get you through the nasty flu season.

* Flu shots are one of the easiest ways to prevent the flu and there is no shortage of vaccine this year. The shot is about 60% effective so remember to get two. After two weeks of receiving the shots your blood will be 120% immunized so make sure to bleed indiscriminately wherever you think there might be flu virus.

* Wearing a surgical mask in public is a good way to keep the flu virus at arm’s length as nobody wants to be around a weirdo who wears surgical masks in public.

* If a friend or loved one is infected, limit their contact with other people as much as possible. Spread a rumor that the infected person is a pedophile.

* Don’t trust those cheap condoms the hooker brings with her. Bring your own condoms.

* Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. You should be doing that anyway. No wonder you got the flu, you pedo.

*Alcohol kills germs so be sure to keep yourself and everybody in your family at a minimum Blood-Alcohol Content of at least 0.17 at all times. Young children and the elderly are more susceptible to the flu so keep them at a higher BAC of about 0.20.

* If infected, make sure to infect 3 or 4 people as soon as possible. Each time you infect somebody else that’s half the virus leaving your body.

* Chicken soup is one of the oldest flu remedies known to man. Increase the effectiveness by bypassing the soup and just eating a whole fried chicken. Eat as much fried chicken as you can until you feel better.

* The flu virus can’t infect a dead man. When it comes down to it the only way to completely beat this thing is via suicide. This is only to be used as a last resort so don’t kill yourself unless you think you’re exhibiting flu-like symptoms.

THE ALEX JONES CONSPIRACY.

Posted on January 9, 2013 by Bill

Radio host, conspiracy theorist and professional mouth-foam producer Alex Jones made a lot of headlines this week when he went on Piers Morgan’s CNN show to talk about gun control. Piers asked Alex Jones why he started an online petition to have Mr. Morgan deported and Alex Jones just started yelling for like five minutes. Watch the whole thing here.

He then started yelling about a bunch of other things like “one world government” and “prescription drugs are causing all suicides and mass murders”. After getting kicked off the show for being a lunatic he retreated back to the internet where his “news websites” infowars.com and prisonplanet.com (don’t know why he has two. They have all the same articles but different layouts) declared victory in their debate and subsequently published a half dozen articles with the sole purpose of making Piers Morgan look bad via ad-hominem attacks.

Seriously, here’s an article that says Piers is “best buddies” with President Obama and then just starts talking about the innocent deaths caused by drone strikes.

So there you go. Alex Jones is just some psycho conspiracy theorist gun nut who started yelling on TV about guns because he thinks the government is coming to take them away. At least that’s what Alex Jones wants you to think

This story has gone viral. The video I shared already has over a million hits after a day and is on the front page of youtube. CNN has brought up the whole interview incident multiple times on it’s shows. infowars.com and prisonplanet.com have more than likely seen a huge spike in hits. More hits means more ad revenue. But who exactly is paying Alex Jones to advertise on his site?

infowarsgunad

gunads2

That’s right! It’s the gun industry! Alex Jones stands to make a lot more in advertising revenue if he can drive traffic to his sites via television rants and the gun companies can pay him a lot more if they’re selling more guns. What better way to kill two birds with one bullet than to use fear to get people to buy guns with a crazy rant?

What about the whole “prescription drugs are causing suicides and murders” rant? Why would he yell about that stuff? What does he have to gain?

WHAT INDEED!

Alex Jones is peddling herbal remedies on his website! Those are a little hard to sell because they don’t really work so what better way to sell them than to drag prescription drugs’ name through the mud?

WAKE UP SHEEPLE, ALEX JONES IS JUST AFTER YOUR WALLET. HE WON’T BE SATISFIED UNTIL HE’S BUILT AN EMPIRE OFF OF PROFITS FROM FOOD HOARDING WEBSITES AND GUIDES TO RELOCATING TO GET AWAY FROM THE NEW WORLD ORDER.

What better way to hid his conspiracy by wrapping it around other conspiracy theories? It’s the perfect conspiracy. Hiding in plain conspiracy. Conspiraception.

Don’t believe me? It’s all in my new book “The Alex Jones Conspiracy” available in hard cover on Amazon for $24.95 or you can buy it direct from our website here.

EDUCATE YOURSELVES AND BUY MY STUFF.

YoungNotions

Author Archives: Bill