Author Archives: Bill

Romance, Married Style.

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Hey, girl. You know it’s Valentine’s Day. Today’s the day we show the people we love just how much they mean to us. The day everybody shows that special somebody just how special they are. Today’s all about romance and passion.



You know I’m all about romance and passion.



I know that you think it might be hard to keep the passion going now that we’ve been together for nearly five years. Some may think that Valentine’s day is for couples that have the burning flame of new love but I know just what you want. Today I’m going to cater to your deepest desires and make your wildest fantasies come true.



Today I’m going to do the laundry.



That’s right, girl. All the laundry. I’m going to wash every bit of dirty clothing we have in the house. I’m even going to wash the linens because it’s been a few weeks and they’re really overdue.



I’m gonna wash all the dirty fucking blankets in the house until they smell like a flower strewn meadow in the springtime. You like that?



Don’t even think I’m done because after I wash all the clothes I’m going to put them away. I’m going to fold everything that needs to be folded and put everything that needs to be hung on hangers. All for you. By the end of Valentine’s day, you won’t only be able to see the bedroom floor, we’ll be able to walk around without worrying about stepping on something hidden under some dirty clothes.



Don’t pass out from extacy yet girl because that’s not all. Come in closer. I want to whisper this last little bit in your ear. Get in real close.



I’ll make sure to keep the cashmere sweaters out of the dryer so they won’t shrink down.



This Valentine’s Day, all of your dreams are going to come true.

Pick-a-Pope: The Vatican’s Selection Process of a new Leader

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Pope Benedict recently announced that he’ll be stepping down from his duties, citing that his failing health is preventing him from fulfilling his papal duties. This is the first time in about 600 years that a pope has retired rather than die in office trying to burn all the sick days he’s accrued over his career.



To be fair, he really hasn't been looking good recently.

To be fair, he really hasn’t been looking good recently.





This decision has left the vatican with the task of selecting a new pope. It won’t be easy. Anybody gunning for the job has to complete a series of tasks to prove that he has what it takes. Here’s just a few criteria that is viewed in the Vatican’s Pope selecting process.



* Recite the full name, birthdate and birthplace of Jesus.

* Live in absolute opulence, preach the teachings of Jesus Christ, see nothing contradictory about that.

* Wear a 30 pound hat for 5 hours without collapsing.

* Shit in the woods.

* Re-assign 20 pedophile priests to 20 new parishes while blindfolded.

* Go to church EVERY Sunday.

* Ignore 30 gays in under a minute.

* Correctly answer all questions posed by Joan Osborne in “What if God Was One of Us?”.

* Successfully crank call the Dalai Lama.

* Cut off the head of Pope Benedict, steal his power. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Once he has murdered the previous pope, they incinerate the old pope’s head in the Vatican fireplace and a white smoke comes out the chimney, signaling a new pope has been selected.

New Year’s Resolution Update: Fatty Fatty Fat Fat.

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I’m eating chocolate chips as I write this. I put a bunch in my mouth and let them just sit in there for a while until they get nice and slightly melted and then just chew on the chocolatey, gooey mess. I’m a fat fucking bastard.

Okay. Chocolate chips have been put down. Let’s do this.



One of the resolutions I made in my Resolusplosion this year was to put down the fucking cookies for five goddamn seconds. I haven’t really been doing a good job with that (i.e. today’s chocolate chip breakfast). It’s really easy for me to justify grabbing a gas station donut if I’m going to be cleaning carpets all day and I have no problem grabbing treats at a party. I figure I’m working hard and since I’m not drinking this can be my one little vice but I’m still a big tub of lard.



Some of you remember that I first made a pledge to stop cramming treats in my mouth after I went to jail for a night and my jail bracelet told me I was 269 pounds. Since then I’ve gotten better with my eating habits and brought my weight down to about 240 but I still got plenty of man boob and since I’ve started a labor intensive job my eating habits fell back into old patterns. I haven’t gained any weight but I also haven’t lost any more. There are plenty of sweets to be blamed but the biggest offender for me is the gas station donut –



so tasty.

so tasty.





They’re so tasty, they’re at every gas station and they’re incredibly cheap (every 7th is free at Super America with my Speedy Rewards card and trust me, I’ve had plenty of free donuts). One time I had five donuts in a single day. That’s probably something like 250,000 calories. I haven’t looked it up but it’s probably close.



I hate to do this but I’m going to have to say goodbye to the donuts. No more, even if somebody brings them into the office. I’m already working out all the time but I won’t lose any fat if I keep cramming donuts down my throat.



Goodbye, Super America chocalate filled long johns. So long, Holiday old fashioned donuts that are 2 for $1.29. Farewell, triple chocolate bismark at Kwik Trip. I’ll be sure to wave to you when I’m buying a banana or whatever at the gas station.

Obama Needs to Stop Giving Hitler Such a Hard Time

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President Muslim McCommie has been compared to Hitler quite a bit by conservatives who don’t like him. He’s been likened to Hitler –



Oh man remember that time Obama tried to exterminate all the Jews? Total Hitler clone.

Oh man remember that time Obama tried to exterminate all the Jews? Total Hitler clone.





He’s been called worse than Hitler, too. I’m sure there’s somebody out there that thinks Obama’s some sort of Hitler Voltron where five different Hitlers come together and form Obama.



Granted… it’s not like my team is completely innocent of Hitler comparisons –



When you think about it the conservatives are just ripping off the liberals of 6 year ago.

When you think about it the conservatives are just ripping off the liberals of 6 year ago.





It’s an easy comparison to make. Hitler was the worst so comparing somebody to Hitler is really just saying they’re the worst. The imagery of the swastika and nazi salute stir up strong emotions in people and that shitty little mustache is really easy to photoshop onto a picture –



My photoshop skills are worse than Hitler.

My photoshop skills are worse than Hitler.





The point is that Obama has been compared to Hitler in a lot of ways but up until last weekend nobody ever said he was too harsh on Hitler. Thankfully we have The National Review.



Last weekend the NR blog “The Corner” posted that Obama was way off the mark in calling the Holocaust “senseless”. Here’s just a little snippet from the post.



Nazism may have been an ideology to which the United States was — and to which the president is — implacably opposed, but it is hardly “senseless.” By the early 1930s, the Nazi party had hundreds of thousands of devoted members and repeatedly attracted a third of the votes in German elections; its political leaders campaigned on a platform comprising 25 non-senseless points, including the “unification of all Germans,” a demand for “land and territory for the sustenance of our people,” and an assertion that “no Jew can be a member of the race.” Suffice it to say, many sensible Germans were persuaded.



…the fuck?



Seriously. I had to check to make sure the National Review wasn’t some shitty satire site because I’ve been fooled by that before (fuck you, Daily Currant!) but they’re serious. These people actually think the president shouldn’t have called the Holocaust “senseless” (which it was) because it made perfect sense to a bunch of Germans at the time. What? Are conservatives really so willing to bash Obama that they’ll say “Hitler’s ideas did kinda make sense” to do it?



I think I can say, without hyperbole, that NR writer Eliana Johnson is worse than VoltronHitler.

How to Save The U.S. Postal Service.

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Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these courageous couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Tough luck getting your mail on Saturdays, though.



The U.S.P.S, which has been hemorrhaging money since the first email was sent, has announced that it’s no longer delivering mail on Saturdays due to it’s money problems.



You can blame the Post Office’s money woes on many different things but it’s pretty clear that the USPS can’t survive on it’s current business plan. To actually make a profit it would have to jack up the price of stamps astronomically and I’ve already got a bunch of those “forever” stamps anyway –



I've got like 10 of thes in my desk. I'm set for life.

I’ve got like 10 of thes in my desk. I’m set for life.





If America wants to revive it’s dying postal service we’re going to need to take action. We’re going to need to act like our grandmothers.



People like my grandmothers (RE: Other grandmothers) have been propping up the postal service for decades with the practice of unnecessary mailing. Here’s just three ways that my grandma has used the mail when she hasn’t needed to.



Clipping out newspaper articles she thinks I’d like and then mailing them to me
Also keeping the ailing newspaper industry alive, my grandmother has a fresh paper delivered to her door daily. She clips out articles about stand up comedians in town and then mails them to me. She’s never mailed me any clips that have mentioned me (it’s happened a couple times!), it’s usually about some other comedian or an article about a comedy club in town. If it’s about another comedian, she’ll circle his/her name for some reason.



Demanding birthday cards
My grandmother loves having birthday cards mailed to her. She doesn’t like having birthday cards handed to her. They must be mailed. I’ve asked her about this. I live in the same city as her and have gone out with her on her birthday but she insists that I mail her a birthday card rather than hand one to her. Maybe getting a bunch of mail is like a status symbol in a nursing home. Like a full mailbox is the old person equivalent to having a lot of friends on facebook.



Mailing cards on unnecessary holidays
I’ll get Christmas cards from her even though I see her every Christmas. A birthday card even though I’ll see her almost every birthday. She even sends Valentine’s Day cards which is a little creepy but she’ll usually include some chocolates in that one so I don’t complain.



So there you go. If you want to save the USPS, just grandma it up!

THANKS, OBAMA

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So on Sunday the lights went out in the Superdome for about 30 odd minutes and the world went online to post all their hilarious and original jokes about the blackout. I was no different. I posted on facebook –



Boom! Take that, buzzfeed!

Boom! Take that, buzzfeed!





No more than ten minutes after I posted that, my friend Patrick commented on how buzzfeed buzzfeed already had a article up about people on twitter blaming the blackout on Obama. 13 tweets with people saying things like “I blame Obama” and “THANKS, OBAMA.”



Just one problem, though. As people have commented on the article and on my post, the whole “THANKS, OBAMA” thing is a meme.



Seriously. It’s a joke. It has it’s own entry in “Know Your Meme”. One of the tweets they screencapped for the article is actually from a comedian.



Now, I get that buzzfeed’s bread and butter is rounding up screencaps saying awful, stupid and racist things on twitter but they totally jumped the gun on this one and missed the joke. Has buzzfeed become so jaded that it can’t even recognize sarcasm anymore? If so, I totally have some articles I can submit to buzzfeed.



20 Rap Songs That Were Originally Written by an 18th Century French Painter
josephducreux



Top 500 Things Xzibit put In Other Things So People Could do Things While Doing Similar Things
yodawg



BREAKING NEWS: Bear Escaped From Zoo. Raping Children and Being Really Smug About it.
pedobear



Chuck Norris Apparently has Countless Amazing Superpowers. Here’s a List of the top 50.
chucknorris

New Year’s Resolution Update: Drinking!

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It’s Monday so let’s have a look at one of the umpteen resolutions I made this year and see how I’m doing. Today I’d like to talk about #3 on my list. No alcohol for the year.



I figured this one was going to be a little tough for me. I do enjoy drinking. A lot of my friends enjoy drinking. Stand up comedy usually takes place in a bar and comedians usually get free drinks. While the challenges were numerable this has been one of the easier ones to keep. I went the whole month of January without drinking and I have to say, I could start to feel the health benefits that come with it. I dropped a few pounds, I had more energy and didn’t feel like shit if I didn’t get a lot of sleep. No hangovers and no gut troubles. There are plenty of advantages to not drinking.



Then again, the downside to not drinking is that you don’t get to be drunk so I decided to briefly break my resolution Saturday when I went out to a show and a going away party for a buddy. I had 32 days under my belt, I figured what’s the harm in drinking one night?



There’s lot’s of harm. Just heaping piles of steaming harm.



I woke up Sunday morning after a full 8 1/2 hours of sleep feeling like I just got ran over. I have had hangovers of all sizes before but this was the first time where my muscles ached. My whole body screamed out in pain like I had gone to the gym for the first time in my life and really overdid it.



That’s the thing about booze. You need that tolerance to deal with the negative effects as you get older. I find myself drinking less and less just because the hangovers are hitting me harder and harder and I’m packing weight on easier and easier. If I’m ever at some dive bar in Northeast Minneapolis and see those 65+ year old dudes at the bar just pounding them back I always wonder how they can handle all the booze at that age when I’m having trouble with it at 30 and the answer is they don’t stop drinking. Their tolerance has just been climbing and climbing with them over the years to keep pace with their age. I don’t think I can do that.



I originally thought I’d take monthly breaks from my drinking resolution but now I’m not so sure. Not drinking might just keep me from drinking this year.

Young and Fearless!

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Hey, there! Jena and I are putting together a new sketch show in April for Fearless Comedy Productions called Young and Fearless!



My logo idea of me in a diaper was shot down pretty fast.

My logo idea of me in a diaper was shot down pretty fast.





Me and the wife will host the shindig, internationally renowned folk troubadors Denson & Young will stop by to debut a new song, there will be some stand up comedy and we’re currently looking for sketch writers who want to get something on stage. We’ll help you out with script editing, act in it if you need extra roles filled and promote the show for you!



The theme for our first show is “a day in the park”. We’ll have the stage set up to a park setting the best our shoestring budget can allot!



You can submit your completed first draft scripts to YoungFearless@fearlesscomedyproductions.com. The show will be April 4th at the Bryant-Lake Bowl and the deadline for submissions is Feb. 14th (Valentines Day)! Get crackin’!

Poor Wayne LaPierre

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You can’t help but feel sorry for Wayne LaPierre. He’s got a job that, at times, can be the worst job in the world.
He’s the Executive Vice President and pretty much the voice of the NRA.



Poor guy.

Poor guy.





Now you may think that he’s actually got a pretty sweet job. $970,000 annual salary. All the guns you can shoot. Free camouflage clothing. It’s not all perks, though.



Every time there’s a mass shooting, Wayne LaPierre has to go out and explain why guns aren’t to blame.



Every time! Can you imagine? Every single time somebody goes and kills a bunch of people with guns and the nation is left shocked, horrified and looking for answers the first thing that goes through this guy’s brain is “alright. How am I going to spin this?”



He has to change the reason pretty frequently, too because the public won’t swallow the same load of bullshit from him multiple times. He and his crew have to cook up new reasons every time a bunch of people are shot to death. Think about what it’s like trying to come up with a new reason mass shootings happen time after time and being forced to ignore the one thing linking every single one. My heart goes out to Mr. LaPierre.



And now yesterday former congresswoman and Gun Control activist Gabrielle Giffords struggled to eloquently voice a plea to take action to prevent more gun violence and Wayne LaPierre testifies at that same hearing saying gun control laws don’t work?



In case you forgot, the reason Gabrielle Giffords struggled to say just a few sentences is because she was shot in the fucking head. Being the victim of a mass shooting has really made gun control a priority for her but Wayne LaPierre had to look her in the face, a face that just caught a bullet two years ago and tell her she’s wrong about gun control. That has to be tough.



I gotta hand it to Wayne. I could never do what he does.

Craigslist Job Ad Search: 50 Shades of Fun!

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Yesterday I was looking through the “talent” section of Craigslist job ads hoping to find an ad to send a fake reply to as I have done many times before. It’s become increasingly difficult, however, to find a job ad posting that isn’t for strippers, webcam girls or just plain’ ol’ hookers. While I am poor and would sell my dignity in a second there’s nobody buying what I’m selling. Could be that my prices are too high ($5,000 you get to see my butt. $10,000 you get to see a ball).



Trying to sift through all the requests to have hot young women sit on cakes on a webcam or whatever, I saw several creepy ads looking for an “assistant”. These were all posted on the same day within about 4 hours of each other. Here they are in order from earliest to latest –


Posted: 2013-01-29, 9:52AM CST
great pay for right female
My assistant of two years has moved to Florida so I need to fill her position asap. Your part would include, going to dinner, shopping, back rubs, looking sexy, teasing me. In return you could expect exceptional compensation. You must be very comfortable with your body and like to flaunt it. Must be very flirty and friendly. I am picky. I am a business owner in the Twin Cities and do not have time for a full blown relationship. This could turn into a full time gig for the right person. If interested you must send 3 pics of yourself and a brief descrip of why you think you would be agood fit. If you get my attention, I will email you back. Thanks!
Okay. Kinda creepy. Basically this guy wants to pay a girl to… be his flirty go-go masseuse?



Posted: 2013-01-29, 11:59AM CST
REAL DEAL! (Uptown)
You may be looking for a real gig that will help you financially! Most of the ads are unreal, and have nothing to pay. How about something real, lasting, and beneficial? Looking for a girl who is interested in an alternative arrangement that can help her financially! If interested, send a pic and let’s chat further.
Okay I don’t know if this one is from the same guy. It’s got the same feel as the other ads but it feels like it was written by a Ukranian spambot that just learned english.


Posted: 2013-01-29, 12:07PM CST
$omething Different, $omething Fun (Minneapolis)
Sometimes as a man gets older and he becomes more successful he finds that he has more opportunities to get what he wants. And sometimes a successful man would prefer an arrangement over the dating games or a traditional relationship. If you are fun, young, attractive female who likes to party and go out and have fun, then this is for you. If you would prefer a guy to take you out, spoil you, take you shopping, and just have fun than you would to a traditional relationship, then this is for you. I am an attractive white male, early 30’s, with pics to share. If you are interested in something different, fun, and unique, write me back and tell me about yourself, send me a few pics and I will reply back and do the same. Why not get what you want for once right?
Sometimes as a man gets older and he becomes more successful he finds that he can’t form an emotional bond with anybody so he pays girls to pretend to like him. Also, what’s with the dollar sign “S” in the title? You imply that the applicant will get paid because you posted this in “jobs”. The fact that you’re paying is not a selling point.


Posted: 2013-01-29, 12:16PM CST
Fun Personal Assistant Wanted (Minneapolis)
Are you young, sexy, like to meet new people, like to drink be wild and have fun, and make money while you are doing it? Successful, white, attractive businessman, early 30’s, is looking for a personal assistant to help with various services from entertaining, errands, to modeling and cleaning in a french maids outfit. This can be as fun and sexy as u want to make it. If you have always wanted to try something different you should at least give it a shot and find out, u never know, it could be alot of fun. If you are interested reply back with some pictures of you as well as any information about yourself and what you are looking for and I will get back to you with more details. Thanks.
Hold up! This is the first ad he’s actually listed any non-creepy or overtly sexual work in the ads. “Errands”? I thought he was just looking for a 40 hour a week slut but it seems he wants his personal stripper to be able to go out and get his dry cleaning every once in a while. That’s how they trick you. You start the job thinking it’s going to be easy. Some back rubs and parading around in a french maid’s outfit but eventually he’s going to want you to put on that french maid’s outfit and actually clean some shit.

Posted: 2013-01-29, 1:38PM CST
50 Shades of Fun (Minneapolis)
Successful, white, attractive businessman, early 30’s, looking to hire an attractive white female for various services and activities. If you are interested please reply back with a few pictures and a description about yourself and why you responded and what you are looking for. I will get back to you with pictures of me and more details and we can go from there. I’m sure you can figure out how this works 🙂
“Various Activities”, the “50 shades” reference. I’m sure you can figure out how this works 🙂 The last ad was the least descriptive yet somehow the creepiest.



So there you go, ladies! If you’ve ever thought of sexual harassment as a full time job, just click on any of the blue links above and a humiliating future awaits!