Hey, Youngamaniacs! I’m busy writing a sketch I thought of in the shower this morning for tonight’s Men With Hats show at The Comedy Corner Underground so here’s a classic from the Disney Vaults! Enjoy!

I was walking in downtown Minneapolis with Ben Weil last night and there was a man on the Corner of Hennepin and 7th holding a bible over his head and screaming bible verses at the top of his lungs.  He wasn’t handing out pamphlets.  He wasn’t talking to anyone in particular.  He was just shouting things that were in the book he was waving around (John 3 to be exact.  Way to ruin the ending for us, Spoiley McSpoilerson!)

This is not the first time I’ve seen this.  I’ve seen the whole man-waving-around-a-bible-and-shouting-at-nobody-in-particular in different cities all over and it’s always confused me for 2 reasons.

1.  Why carry the bible around?  You don’t have it open.  You’ve obviously memorized the verses you’re screaming.  It just seems like unnecessary weight.  Are you worried people might think you’re just making it up as you go along?
“AND GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE THEM HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON!”
“Bullshit!”
“SIR, I AM TELLING THE TRUTH AND IT IS ALL HERE IN THIS LEATHERBOUND COLLECTION I HOLD ABOVE MY HEAD!”
“Let me see that for a second!”
“BE MY GUEST, SIR!  TO BE HONEST MY ARM WAS STARTING TO GIVE OUT!”
“Okay… Page 372… Man named Nicodemus… Must be born again… Well I’ll be.  So you were telling the truth.  Well, sir.  I apologize for doubting you.”
“THAT’S QUITE ALRIGHT, SIR!  TO BE HONEST, PEOPLE JUST THOUGHT I WAS SOME CRAZY PERSON UNTIL I STARTED CARRYING THAT AROUND.”
(fade to black as the two men talk about the nature of spirituality.  End scene.)

2.  How many people are you converting with this approach?  I thought the Jehova’s Witnesses had a hard time with their methods but the Curch of the Screaming Street Corner Weirdo must have a lot of empty pews come Sunday.
“AND GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE THEM HIS-”
“Excuse me.  Sir?”
“ONLY BEGOTTEN SON SO THAT-”
“Excuse me, Sir?  Hey, you with the flushed complexion and the dribble of spit hanging from your bottom lip?”
“OH, SORRY I DIDN’T NOTICE YOU.  I WAS KIND OF IN ‘THE ZONE’.”
“Quite alright.  Since you were screaming so loud that I can only assume that puddle of coughed up blood by your feet is your own, I couldn’t help but overhear you.  I must say, I would like to know more.  Could I possibly… join your church?”
“YOU CERTAINLY MAY, SIR!”
“Thank you!  When is your next mass?”
“YOU’RE ATTENDING IT RIGHT NOW!  GRAB A BIBLE AND START WAVING!”
(camera pans out as man hands bibles to his eager wife and children.  End scene.)