So I needed to get something from the grocery store on Christmas day. Now, I know most everything is closed on Christmas and grocery stores are no exception but I thought perhaps one of the literally five grocery stores in a 10 block radius of my home would be open.
That’s right. Five. I’m within walking distance of the Wedge Co-Op, Kowalksi’s, Lunds, Rainbow and Supervalu. You can even add Byerly’s and Cub to the list if you cast the net out an extra mile and a half. Uptown’s got grocery stores and they were all closed on Christmas.
While searching online for holiday hours for some of the stores I googled “Uptown Rainbow Holiday Hours” and one of the first things that came up was the Yelp! review page for the store.
The Uptown Rainbow is usually my go-to store. It’s a lot cheaper than the co-op, Lunds and Kowalski’s but it’s not as trashy as the Supervalu (seriously Supervalu is one of those grocery stores where you have to walk through the stockroom to get to the bathroom. Always a bad sign). Sure, the Rainbow’s a little dirty and doesn’t always have everything I want stocked all the time but it’s alright. I glanced at the Yelp! reviews to see what other people thought of the place and holy shit –
Let me make this easy for you. You’re thinking about coming here because it’s close to your apartment, and you just need the two things. If I may make a suggestion: consider starving to death instead.
Seriously, this is the nastiest, most overpriced grocery in the Twin Cities. I’ve been here for ten minutes and I’ve seen: 1) produce dropped on the (really dirty) floor and put back on the shelf. 2) a cashier throw a watermelon which a customer had just bought. 3) a bro massage his dick as he walked up and down aisles. This wasn’t a minor adjustment we’re talking about. He was taking it slow and easy. Moving with precision. A true artisan.
Which brings me to the other point: this place is an asshole vortex. People push, they curse at you, they shout into their Bluetooth headgear. I’m okay with the prices being so inflated, because this is probably an asshole tax enforced by the city, and I support our teachers and firefighters.
Two stars, because there’s a sign that says “grocery” outside, and they will attempt to sell you food if you go in. Still though… starvation. Think about it.
Okay, I wasn’t massaging my dick. I was scratching my balls. Jeez.
I don’t know if people actually feel this strongly about a grocery store or if people are using over the top reviews hoping they’ll go viral but some shit on this page is just nasty –
This place thrives on the fact that it’s the only grocery store within five miles that isn’t a swanky-swank Lunds/Kowalskis. And by thrives, I mean like a virus.
It is a nasty place. “Crowded” does not begin to explain it. From the moment you pull into the parking lot- which is a total sh*$ show in itself- you are thrust into a sea of people shoving around shopping carts that are very broken and are too big for the layout of this hellhole.
Add some screaming feral children, completely tuned-out employees (to be fair, there are maybe five of them), general dirtiness, long lines, and sketchy produce, and the so-called deals are just… not… quite… worth it.
The parking lot fights thing is actually a recurring theme in a lot of reviews –
The Rainbow Foods in Uptown is some of most fabulous entertainment this fine city has to offer. Some of what I’ve witnessed on my shopping trips (at all hours of the day) are:
* Someone running laps around the store perimeter in flip-flops
* A man getting frustrated and smashing his cart into things
* Managers lecturing the restocking folk… from two aisles down
* Parking lot fights — yes, plural
Shopping in suburban grocery stores? Pfft. You’ll fall asleep in the aisles from boredom.
Honestly though, for as much as Rainbow can be a circus sideshow, they’re always well-stocked and organized. I don’t know how they pull it off, what with the flip-flop marathons and all. And there are a few checkout clerks with wicked senses of humor, too. It’s all part of the magical experience that is the Uptown Rainbow.
Okay, I’ve been shopping at this place pretty regularly for a few years now and I haven’t seen a single parking lot fight. Is this a problem that Rainbow fixed after the Yelp! blitz or am I just missing them?
This place is cool on mushrooms or if you want to look at girls youd sleep with but never date. And the pharmacy dude wears a sick eyepatch but its probably because he has some brutal tattoo.
Okay I’ve seen that pharmacy guy before and after reading these reviews I think I know how he ended up with the eyepatch. Uptown Rainbow Fight Club.
