Monthly Archives: May 2012

DC Announces Gay Superhero. “One Million Moms” Gets Panties in Collective Bunch.

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DC Comics recently announced that one of its established characters is coming out as gay. Many fans are suspecting it will be a huge shakeup and DC is going to have Batman come out of the Batcave while others are banking on the easy money –



Too easy.




Gay characters in the DCU are nothing new. In fact, there’s a whole DC wikia page dedicated to homosexual characters. When I heard that a new character was coming out I just figured either Judd Winick was given a new title to write for or there was a female cop that they forgot to make lesbian. Seriously. If you’re a female cop in Metropolis or Gotham then you’re probably a lesbian.


Between this and Marvel Comics announcing that it’s first openly gay superhero Northstar is getting married, the thoroughly misnamed One Million Moms (there’s certainly less than a million of them) has started a boycott of DC and Marvel comic books.


You may remember OMM from when they made a big stink about Ellen DeGeneres being the new spokesperson for JC Penny because having a gay person try to sell you clothes on TV corrupts children or whatever.



If I remember right they were super successful in the campaign, JC Penny went out of business and Ellen was burned at the stake for laying with a woman as one lays with a man. They’re really a force to be reckoned and I’m sure the comic book industry will crumble under the pressure in a matter of days.



I mean, their demands are reasonable. They just want the entertainment industry as a whole to not acknowledge that homosexuality exists for the sake of their children. From their “issues” page on their website, “Children desire to be just like superheroes. Children mimic superhero actions and even dress up in costumes to resemble these characters as much as possible. Can you imagine little boys saying, ‘I want a boyfriend or husband like X-Men?'”



If your kid is saying that than he was gay long before he read any X-Men.


p.s. My prediction for the DC character that comes out of the closet: Woozy Winks

“Cling tightly to my butt cheeks, Woozy!” “I’m clingin’, Plas! I’m clingin’!

What I Want For My Birthday:

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1. For you to read my blog today.



2. Forgiveness that I didn’t really generate any new content today.



3. Your attendance at my birthday roast tonight at the Comedy Corner Underground.



4. Your eyes watching this sketch I made with Jena!
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDAXzAXvrgo&w=560&h=315]


Alright. I’m going to get drunk and take a nap and then get drunk again before the show tonight. Birthday!

Dirty Thirty.

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I’m turning 30 tomorrow. I can tell that I’m getting older for a number of reasons.



1. It says so on my drivers license. Those don’t lie.

2. I got mad that it rained the other day because I was planning on doing some yard work.

3. A streetlight keeps flickering in and out on my block and I’m seriously considering writing a letter to the city to get it fixed. Like, my first thought was “write a letter”, not “call the city” or “shoot them an email”.

Even though all these changes are happening as I get older there’s still plenty of stuff in my life that remains static.



1. My dad got me a bunch of comic books for my birthday. I couldn’t have been happier.

2. My near-disturbing love of snack cakes remains unchanged.

Here’s a picture of me enjoying a snack cake when I was like five years old. You know you’re old when the pictures of your childhood are all grainy and shit.

3. My friends are assholes. Don’t believe me? They’re throwing a roast for me tomorrow.

I’ve been in several local comedy roasts in the past but being the roastee (Roasted? Roast of honor?) is a bit different because I’m expected to make jokes about everybody going on stage. Usually with roast jokes you take some small foible or embarrassing moment in a person’s life and make a joke about that. To help prepare myself I’ll just list one small weakness/embarrassment of each person on the Dais and write a joke about it before the show tomorrow.


Andy Brynildson – Micropenis

Shannon Thompson – Attempted rapist

Tommy Thompson – Was once almost raped by brother

Mike Linden – Likes dubstep

Chris Maddock – Has Asian child

Justin Caesar – Zoophile

Phil Kolas – Greek

Zach Coulter – Once when drunk admitted closeted homosexuality. Cried for fifteen minutes straight blubbering about how if the truth came out his family would never speak with him again.

Shannan Paul – Woman.


So come on out to my birthday roast tomorrow at the Comedy Corner Underground and watch everybody call me fat and bald! Hooray!

This is How I Harass Family Members Into Coming to my Shows

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Yesterday I sent a barrage of texts to my sister yesterday trying to get her and her friends out to a show I was in because I got a cut of the door and I’m broke. Since I just learned how to take screengrabs with my phone I can post them on here like I’m some fancy pants flavor of the week tumblr! Here you go –


















I then told her that the only birthday present I wanted was her attendance at my birthday roast at the Comedy Corner Underground. That and maybe a $3 Subway gift card. Subway mailed me a $2 gift card and I can’t get a sandwich with just $2.

Dumb Racists For Obama

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I’ve seen this photo being shared around facebook a lot lately –



Did you need to use the confederate…. whatever.




In fact, if you google it, you can find a surprising amount of stars-n’-bars support for Obama –



The south shall rise again! Until then, vote Obama!




Obama at a campaign stop in Cousinlove, AL.





I can just imagine Jeff Foxworthy hunched over a notebook scribbling “If you’re in favor of a public health care option…”


The furthest I could trace back that first sign is from a politico article in 2008. In fact, all of the images are from around the time of his first campaign. I even found a blog called obamaredneck.com and all their posts are from 2008 and 2009 (there’s really not much there. The last few posts are about Ted Nugent’s latest book, mercury in fish and legalizing pot). How did I miss out on this seemingly huge base of redneck fans? And why do they keep having to use the Confederate Flag image in all their stuff?


I know that there’s an ongoing debate on the whole Confederate Flag thing. There are some who think that it’s a racist symbol. An image linked to the Confederacy, which seceded from the U.S. when Abraham Lincoln was elected because he campaigned for ceasing the expansion of slavery. Then there’s the racists who use it because they don’t like black people and shout “IT’S ABOUT STATE’S RIGHTS” when they get called on their bullshit.



Seriously, if you think the Confederate Flag isn’t steeped in racism then you’re either just dumb or you’re dumb and also racist.



I remember a few months ago when West St. Paul Councilman Ed Hansen made news for hanging a confederate flag in his backyard that said “redneck” (he subsequently took it down). From the article – “He sees the flag as a symbol of free speech and individual liberty.” The only way the Confederate Flag is connected to free speech is if you want to be free to yell “work harder, boy!” at a black guy that you’re making work for no pay.



As far as the “State’s rights” argument goes. Ask somebody who uses that argument which state’s rights they’re talking about. If they don’t have an answer (which they probably don’t), here’s one from the wikipedia page for state’s rights –



Supporters of slavery often argued that one of the rights of the states was the protection of slave property wherever it went, a position endorsed by the U.S. Supreme Court in the 1857 Dred Scott decision. In contrast, opponents of slavery argued that the non-slave-states’ rights were violated both by that decision and by the Fugitive Slave Law of 1850. Exactly which—and whose—states’ rights were the casus belli in the Civil War remain in controversy.



So basically the Rednecks for Obama are saying that ideally, he’d be a slave but since that can’t happen they’ll settle for President.

VOTE.

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Hello. As some of you may know I am running for an office. I have spent many years as an activist fighting for change in things and I think it’s time I took the fight to the political arena at some level. My message is simple.



There are problems.



Some things are not good and I think it’s time that we as a group of people said “that’s not right”. We face problems everyday. Sometimes we only face them occasionally and certain problems we only have to deal with once or twice. I am here to say that bad things are not O.K. and I will work tirelessly to ensure that these things are made less bad, eliminated or changed into good things.



This will not be easy most of the time. Sometimes it will be easy. No matter the degree of difficulty or time required, I will see to it that after I have done what is needed, the things I have worked on will be better.



My opponent thinks everything is alright. That things are “good enough”. Well, I say that he or she is wrong and, in fact, sometimes things are really bad.



Please, vote for me sometime. If elected, I promise to use the power of whatever office I am in to make sure that various problems are either no longer problems or at least smaller problems.



I’m Bill Young and I approve whatever this is.

Reagan’s Blood For Sale!

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That’s right! Somebody out there claims to have a vial of Reagan’s blood and currently has it up for auction! The auction is going on until Thursday and bidding is at approx. $12,000 right now.


The seller claimed that he got the vial from his mother, who worked at the hospital where the former president was treated after the failed assassination attempt. Fans of the Gipper are outraged that this guy is selling the blood (blood money is only cool with Reaganites if it’s a metaphor but the guy selling the blood said that when he was asked to donate it to the Reagan Library “I told him that I didn’t think that was something that I was going to consider,” he wrote. “… I was a real fan of Reaganomics and felt that President Reagan himself would rather see me sell it rather than donating”.



Now I’m aware most of my readers are eccentric millionaires who have the money to spend on such an odd relic but what can you do with a vial of Reagan’s blood? Here’s a few suggestions –


* Make 93 perfect clones of Reagan and spread them around the world, hoping one of them will grow up to Become Reagan and bring Reaganomics and monkey movies back to the world.

* Impress the hell out of Jodie Foster.

* Create a potion that makes people ignore AIDS.

* Drink the blood and gain all the powers of Reagan by becoming The Reaganator!



Bristling with rocket pods, Gatling guns and cannon, The latest in technology to slay the foes of Mammon




You can bid for the vial of blood here. Good luck!

CONvergence Cosplay Bingo Board Episode 2: Attack of the Cosplay Bingo Board.

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Last year I went to CONvergence to tell some jokes at some shows, help out with a room party and drink myself into an ulcer (true story!). A week before the convention I came up with the idea of a cosplay bingo board. The rules were simple. See the costume, check the box.



People got “bingo” in fifteen minutes walking around. The name of the game last year was coverall.




A friend printed up a bunch of them and delivered them to the Stand Up! Records party room and we distributed them freely. They were gone within a couple of hours. People seemed to like it.



This year we’re bringing the bingo board back but bigger, bolder and badder (I don’t know what happened there. I just started alliterating)! I’ll actually take some time to make it a little easier on the eyes (i.e. more than just a screengrab of a spreadsheet) and I’m hoping to do multiple versions of the board to make it more like actual bingo. This is where I need your help.



Leave a comment below with an idea for a convergence cosplay bingo board square. We’ll be using some of the squares from last year and I’ll come up with some more on my own but I’m looking to make enough for multiple boards. The only rule here is to not be a dick. I ain’t throwing any “guy who obviously lives with his mom” squares on the board. We want to make something everybody can play and I’d rather not piss anybody off or make them feel bad (except furries. They’re fair game).



With that one rule in mind, be creative! The biggest complaint last year is that the board was too easy to fill so please feel free to do something obscure or a combination (Star Trek character hanging out with Star Wars character).


Let’s get started. I look forward to seeing your comments!

Ugh. Country Music: The Craigslist Job Postings Continue!

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In my ongoing quest to take my writing skills and translate them into jobs I find on craigslist, I came across this one looking for bloggers! I’m technically a blogger (don’t tell anybody but I’m unlicensed) so let’s see what we can do!



Country Music Blog Writer (Stillwater, MN)

Do you like country music? Do you find yourself following the news and social media of people involved in country music? We are looking for someone to hunt down and scoop all things country music. Must have good writing/blogging skills and must be extremely reliable, professional and able to work on a deadline. Please respond with a writing sample, resume and a little bit about yourself. Part time 2-3 hours a day.

Location: Stillwater, MN
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: per diem
PostingID: 3018956683


Oh, man. This one’s going to be hard for me. It’s common knowledge that I’m an awesome writer but this subject will be challenging because I don’t listen to country music because I hate country music. I can’t stand it. I think it’s terrible.



Shit. I need the money so let’s do this. Since I don’t listen to country music I’ll have to see what’s popular. Upon googling “new country music” I went to CMT’s website and saw all the “hot new artists”. One of which was Kip Moore who has the new hit single… Oh Jesus Christ… “Somethin’ Bout a Truck”.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YfNFR6gh2E&w=560&h=315]



Reading the comments on the CMT website people are generally pleased with the video. Almost all the comments talk about how trucks are awesome (one lamented that the truck should have been a Ford) and to quote one comment “Glad to see this song doing so well on the charts! If you’ve never had fun in a truck in a cornfield, then you ain’t living, there’s somethin’ bout a truck!”.



Reading the comments on the youtube video (had to go to youtube for the embedable vid) and everybody’s just commenting about how race mixing is destroying the white race but those comments are pretty much on every youtube video so we’ll just ignore that.



Alright. Time to write a review of this video.



Kip Moore scores a home run (or touchdown. Whichever sport country fans like more) with his new video “Somethin’ Bout a Truck”. This song has it all! Trucks, attractive women, beer, cornfields and creeks! While this song certainly could have benefited from having a faithful dog and a show of appreciation to the troops fighting for us overseas, Kip Moore really captures the fun of drinking beer with an attractive woman while sitting in the back of a truck in a rural setting.

My favorite part about the song is it’s timelessness. You could literally have written this song 90 years ago and not have to change a single lyric! That quality is perfect for country music. Showing through song a portrait of an America that has never changed and never will.


Yee haw!

There’s something about that… A certain “je ne sais quoi”

Marijuana: The Most Dangerous Thing Ever.

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A group in Colorado is pushing for the legalization of recreational marijuana use. The group, according to their website regulatemarijuana.org, wants to “regulate marijuana like alcohol”. By use of billboards intentionally parked over the seediest of liquor stores –



The wine racks at that place are stocked exclusively with Night Train and MD 20/20





and tv commercials –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCVc_kLfjMg&w=420&h=315]


trying to put a relatable face on the issue because I guess this guy wasn’t winning over a lot of voters –



Legalize it, man! You’ll wear shitty necklaces and never wash your hair again!





They’re whole campaign is based on the idea that marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol. While there are nearly 40,000 alcohol related deaths in America each year the fact is that marijuana, also know as Blunt, dope, ganja, grass, herb, joint, bud, Mary Jane, pot, reefer, green, trees, smoke, sinsemilla, skunk, weed, hash, tea, chronic, 420 (source: abovetheinfluence.com) has a lot of dangerous and fatal side effects that people rarely talk about. Let’s look at some of the risks you’re taking when you smoke “reefer”.


*Cheeto Overdose: When under the influence of “sinsemilla”, people often disregard the “dangerously cheesy” warning on the label and snack with abandon.

* Over-appreciation of Pink Floyd: Have you ever listened to Pink Floyd? I mean, like, really listened to Pink Floyd? I don’t think you get it. You really need to just listen to what Pink Floyd is saying and you’ll get it, man. You’ll get it.

*Increased Tolerance of Jim Breuer: If you find this funny, call a doctor immediately.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dq2EIPLmoeY&w=560&h=315]


For more information on the dangers of marijuana, contact a stuffy authority figure.