Monthly Archives: March 2012

St. Paddy’s Shoe

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Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s day. Not just a very holy day for the most widely celebrated Saint in the Catholic Collection, St. Paddy is also the most notable Irish saint, giving way to Irish heritage celebrations around the world by people of Irish decent, people of not-Irish decent, and people who showered that morning with Irish Spring. Most Americans will celebrate their non Irish heritage by wearing green, getting drunk off of green beer, and making out with someone wearing green Mardi Gras beads and green hairspray.

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The whole thing is very authentic.

Seeing how popular this whole St. Patrick’s day this is, Nike, the popular athletic footwear company, wanted to get in on the action honor the history and culture of Good Old Erin.. and came up with a shoe that very accurately depicts how Americans view Ireland. The new Nike SB Dunk Low, pictured below, is a lovely blend of black with shades of brown, has been nicknamed “Black and Tan,” referring to the boozy beer beverage made from mixing Guinness and Harp.

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I actually really like these sneakers. I love mixing neutrals.

 

The problem with the nickname is that “black and tan” was also the nickname for the Royal Irish Constabulary Reserve Force, a British parliamentary group deployed in the early 1920’s when the Irish were revolting (I mean, they can be pretty disgusting, but this was revolution revolting) to help keep the peace. Keeping the peace included some pretty shady tactics. Like destroying property. Or beating up civilians. Or killing them.

So by naming the new shoes “Black and Tan” Nike has effectively said “we don’t know anything about Irish heritage, but we’re willing to pretend along with the rest of America.”

Unfortunately, this has pissed off the few Irish Americans that know anything about their heritage. (I brought up this situation to my husband of Irish decent, and he knew nothing of the fear-mongers-in-khakis  until I explained it to him).

“Is there no one at Nike able to Google ‘Black and Tan?”

-Ciaran Staunton, president of Irish Lobby for Immigration Reform

It also pissed off other groups of people… like, you know… the Irish (I mean, who would ruin a perfectly good Guinness by mixing it with Harp? AMIRIGHT?). But since when did Americans ever worry about what they thought? In fact, when have Americans ever thought of anyone except themselves?

Well, to help people better understand how offensive this oversight is, I’ve come up with a few shoe nicknames that your average American would understand:

 

The Reservation Runners: So comfortable you’ll cry a single tear.

The Slave-Drivers: The best for whipping yourself into shape.

The Westborough Flat Shoe: 4 out of 5 Baptists pick-it.

The Nazi Cap-toes: Goose-step into one.

The Al-Qaeda Kickers: You’ll feel like you can fly in them.

Pink Slime? Sounds Delicious.

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I’ve been seeing a lot of pink slime in the news lately.


No. That's not Culver's frozen custard. That's meat.




Pink slime is apparently something that’s been in meat for years but is just now getting some media attention thanks to celebrity chef Jamie Oliver. What the meat packing industry does is take all the cow stuff that’s supposed to be in dog food like connective tissue (tendons, ligaments, cartilage, buttholes etc. Basically all the cow parts Eastern European pickle and call regional delicacies), mash it up, centrifuge the fat off it, blast it with ammonia gas (ammonia is commonly found in pee, household cleaners and wood treatment) and mix it up with ground beef.


According to the USDA, it’s safe to eat. People have been eating it for years. The National Meat Association says that it’s all beef since it’s made from cows (cow poop is also made from cows. Cow poop is not beef) but the media has launched a smear campaign against pink slime. Maybe people wouldn’t be so wary of it if it was called something else but when you look at this picture what other names can you think of?


I've stared at this picture for ten minutes and the only names I can come up with are "beef sludge" and "meat goo"




Even if the campaign against cow sludge is just propoganda and cattle muck is perfectly safe and nutritious, the campaign is working. McDonald’s and Taco Bell have both pledged to stop using beef gunk in their food. Can you blame them?


You've eaten this. If you've had a burger in the last fifteen years meat guck has been inside you.




Even though this stuff has been labeled inedible by Taco Bell, the USDA is still selling meat ooze to schools for lunch. While the USDA does have a history of throwing kids under the obesity bus for a quick buck (pizza is a vegetable!), they’ve sort of caved recently and are now letting schools choose if they want beef with pink slime in it. So now the schools get to choose if kids get to eat slurryburgers for lunch.


America!

Wisconsin Forced to Clarify Drunk Driving Laws Because It’s Wisconsin.

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I know state rivalry is stupid. Why Minnesotans make fun of Wisconsin…ites? Wisconsonians? Wisconsiners? Whatever. Why we make fun of them is beyond me. I don’t even like sports so it makes even less sense because I don’t even hate their football team. Whatever the reason I will make fun of Wisconsin whenever I have the chance because they’re a bunch of fat, cheese eating drunken hicks even though Minnesotans are pretty much the same thing.


That being said, of course this is a news story in Wisconsin. Stupid hillbillies.


For those of you afraid of clicking blue words, I’ll break it down for you. A man got pulled over last winter on a frozen lake with a Blood-Alcohol content of .365 . For those of you unfamiliar with BAC, here’s a handy dandy chart courtesy of wikipedia.


Click for the full article and some interesting stories under the "Highest recorded Blood Alcohol Content" section




I love how in the “>.50” row the behavior listed is “death”. Shouldn’t “life” be listed in the impairments column?


Personal reference: One time when I was 21 I bought a breathalyzer from Sharper Image and turned it into a drinking game with my roommates. The name of the game was “Let’s See How High We Can Get The Numbers on This Thing”. My last memory of the night was blowing into it and reading “.22” before blacking out.


Back to the story. Prosecutors charged the guy with drunk driving because he was driving incredibly drunk. “A judge dismissed the case, though, ruling Wisconsin’s drunken driving laws apply to premises open to public motor vehicle use and the lake didn’t qualify.”


Thankfully, the case was appealed and the appeals court decided driving drunk is still driving drunk even if it’s not on a street. Frankly, I can’t see how this was dismissed to begin with. Most Wisconsin frozen lakes have nicer houses on them than most residential neighborhoods (take that, you stupid state!).


Just to be safe, here’s a list for that judge who dismissed the case of places that aren’t open to public motor vehicle use that people should not drive while intoxicated to the point they almost die.



Playgrounds

Hospitals

Basketball Courts

The Bottom of Unfrozen Lakes

Liquor Stores

Most Churches (I think you can if you’re a Scientologist. It’s a religious thing)

Movie Theaters.



On a completely unrelated note I’ll be at St. Croix Casino in Danbury, WI tonight and Turtle Lake, WI tomorrow. Go Packers!

Mitt Romney: Out of Touch?

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Opposite Day Fox News posted an article about Mitt Romney saying yet another rich guy thing. This time he mentions about how a bunch of NFL team owners are friends of his during a question about football in a radio interview –


[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N43njcpNcHs&w=420&h=315]


Romney constantly faces accusations of being out of touch and not knowing what it’s like to not be insanely wealthy. You’d think people would want to know more about his weird religion –



Google autocomplete. Vox populi, vox dei.


but the scrutiny always falls on his “gaffes” that make him seem out of touch with the average American. Here’s a few choice quotes from the campaign trail that have made the news recently.


“I’m not concerned about the very poor. Fuck them. Fuck poor people. Ugh.” – Mitt Romney, following his victory in the Florida primary. CNN


“I love it here in the south! I’m learning to say y’all, I like grits, I own several slaves!” – Romney in a campaign speech in Mississippi. MSNBC


“I love Detroit automobiles! (My wife) Ann actually has two fresh Cadillacs flown in every week and she drives most of them before throwing them away.” – Romney stumping in Michigan. C-SPAN


“Thank you for the toilet paper bird!” – Mitt thanking a boy in Denver for folding him an origami cane out of a $1 bill. Washington Post.


“I’ve been a lifelong hunter. Small varmints, mostly. Also, genetically engineered manimals on Dick Cheney’s private island.” Romney explaining his love of hunting. AP.


“They look like ants from up here, don’t they? Like I could just crush them all by stepping on them and not feel a thing. Just thinking about it gives me an erection.” – On a flight from Dallas to Boston. NYT.



Seriously, he doesn’t seem that out of touch to me.



Oil portrait of Mitt Romney painted by Rembrant clone.

The Crazy Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: Spring 2012 Issue.

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The time has come once again for me to scour the site stats for search engine hits because I can’t think of anything else to write about. I seriously love doing these posts and there’s enough crazy ass google searches leading to this blog that I could do a new one every month. For those of you new to the blog this is the fifth time I’ve done this. Click the links below for past installments of the series.


Shitting While Standing Bad For Health

Foreskin Donut

I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job

the fuck you fuck you dairy


Here’s a look at some of the things people type into google (or bing if you’re a tool) that leads them to the jokey musings and fart thoughts that make up youngnotions.com.


what is the medical term for queef?
I didn’t even remember writing about queefs before so I actually google searched “youngnotions queef” and found that it was a comment about queefs from a previous search engine post (thanks, Sheena!) that caused the hit. Now that I’ve typed “queef” a half dozen times I’ll probably get a lot more queef searches. Queeftastic.

Also, just for the queef of it I searched “queef” in wikipedia and there is a page for “vaginal flatulence”. It states the latin term is “flatus vaginalis” so I guess there is a medical term.



how much for a fucking box of girl scout cookies
I love the idea that there’s somebody out there who swears so much they can’t even ask the internet a question without lacing it with profanity. I’m not alone!


i want a fat wife
That’s great but this marriage has the fat husband / thin wife CBS sitcom dynamic going. Just to see how she’d react, I asked Jena what she thought of this search engine term. Her face scrunched up, she swallowed her anger and then said “I have a fat wife!”.


my littleporny
I don’t know if that porn parody exists. I’m not going to search to see if that porn parody exists. I’m just going to hope that it doesn’t exist and move on.


are chinese fire drills illegal in australia
Everybody knows that as long as it’s racist, it’s legal in Australia.



Thanks to everybody who accidentally visited the site searching for Dragon Feet (actual search engine hit) or whatever!

Shower Cap Adventures!

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Hello, friends and weirdos searching for that girl from the “one weird trick to stay asleep all night” ad (we get about 10 search engine hits a day for this one now)! I’m back from my first of three casino shows this month. Wednesday night I was at Black Bear Casino opening for the hilarious Paul Hooper (who you kids in the twin cities can see at the Joke Joint Comedy Club this weekend). Yesterday morning, as I was getting ready to leave the hotel and stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down including but not limited to tiny bottles of shampoo, scratchy towels, single serving packages of coffee and Gideon Bibles –



Placed by the Gideons. Stolen and eaten by Bill Young. That's right. I eat bibles.




I noticed that this hotel provides shower caps. Even before I started going bald I never had my hair long enough to require a shower cap. Frankly, I don’t even know if you can buy these in stores. Maybe shower caps haven’t been used in decades but nobody bothered to tell the hotel industry.


Whatever. I don’t care why they have them but whenever a hotel does provide a shower cap I promptly make sure to wear it.


Why wouldn't you wear a shower cap?




As I packed up my remaining items and got ready to leave, Mr. Hooper knocked on my door. I opened it and told him it’d be just a second. He asked why I was wearing a shower cap and I told him “uhhh… because it’s funny? (see above photo. It is). He agreed but told me he asked in case I had lice or something (which I don’t!). He then dared me to wear it in the casino as we checked out and left. I agreed.


We walked to the front counter, dropped off our key cards and then went to the coffee shop inside the casino. Plenty of people saw the bald guy in a shower cap but nobody batted an eyebrow. I’m not sure if it’s because people hanging out at a casino at 9AM on a Wednesday aren’t exactly self aware or if people think I have a weird medical thing and they’re making an effort to not stare. Either way I’m not getting any the attention that I’m quite plainly craving. I ask to stop at the diner to grab some food to go and we walk all the way to the back of the casino. While we’re at the diner, Hooper ups the ante by suggesting I cry as we walk through the casino back to the car.


I dismiss the idea at first, thinking it’d be too much of a hassle to fake cry for three full minutes but when I get the food and we start walking back I start weeping softly. Squinting, misty eyed and a few sniffles. Hooper is walking a few steps ahead of me and doesn’t even notice I’m crying until we pass a group of people and they just stare at me. He asks if I’m okay, playing along and I say “I just… *sniff* I just, can we go home? I wanna go home”.


Now fully aware of what’s going on, Hooper starts snaking through the casino, trying to walk by as many people as possible as I follow behind, sobbing softly wearing a shower cap and carrying a breakfast sandwich. When we get to the front entrance a double decker bus is parked and and a stream of senior citizens walk into Black Bear, their first sight of their casino journey is that of a grown man walking out crying and wearing a shower cap. Once in the parking lot Hooper looked back and said “Okay, we’re in the clear. You can stop. Seriously, man. Stop it. Please stop crying.”


I’m method. Once you’re in character it’s hard to pull out.

Miss us?

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I know. You come here every noontime looking for funnies, and Bill has been unable to post. It’s sad.

So let me tell you a story. Grab your cocoa, and nestle in. I know I’m no Bill Young, but maybe I can distract you until he gets back.

When Bill and I started dating, we would go to each other’s shows. One night fairly early on, I went to the Corner Bar to see Bill perform. I got there a little early. I had a smoke, then I went to sit down atthe bar.

A guy across the bar is looking at me. Sometimes I forget that people use bars for meeting others (the only time I go to bars is to support shows, or karaoke). And I am looking extra pretty for my guy tonight… but currently alone, looking around the room. Well, there will either be a scene or it won’t, but either way, it will pass the time.

Not 5 minutes after I sit at the bar and get my cherry coke, the guy across the
way walks over. I will call him Fraternal, because he looks like the type of person
who was a frat boy, not out of peer pressure, but because his personality simply
couldn’t be more at home anywhere else. And when I say looks like… he doesn’t
have a football player build. kinda scrawnier, but with the gobs of charm and
playful guy-ness that tends to get the girls and dominate the guys.

But I was a sorority girl. I can repeat the greek alphabet faster than most boys
can chug a beer. I’ve done the dance, and am weary of it. And boy, for as much
charm as you have, you are still trying to pick up chicks at a bar… I think I’ll skip
the drunken sex tonight, thanks.

The following may not be word for word accurate, but it is pretty close.


Fraternal: May I sit here?
Me: Sure
Fraternal: You looked lonely. You’re too beautiful to be alone.
Me: I’m waiting for the show.
Fraternal: You waiting for the show or the band leader? Are you a groupie?
Me: (laughs) Groupie. I like that. Yes, I am a groupie. Only, it’s not a band- it’s
comedy. you should come see it.
Fraternal: That’s not really my thing. I don’t get into jokes.
Me: But you must know jokes. Tell me a joke.
Fraternal: Nope, I can’t do it. I get it all messed up. A guy went to a bar, and then
he did something.
Me: All you need is a punch line.
Fraternal: Really, I just wanted to get to know you. How do I do that?
Me: I’m a very open person. You can ask me anything.
Fraternal: How old are you?

-I interrupt this intellectually engaging narrative to cut out the more boring parts,
like my age. He works near where I do, I smell nice, and he spends a lot of time
trying to convince me that he is a better human being than my gentleman friend.
He is actually a very pleasant person to talk to, except for the part where he
discredits my intelligence by repeatedly insisting that he’s a better catch than the
one I’m waiting for.-

Fraternal: (attempts to put his arm around me)
Me: (grabs by the wrist and places between us) This belongs over here.
Fraternal: (twisting to grab my hand) I didn’t mean..
Me: (grabbing my soda with both hands) I know. And I am letting you know that
your hands belong over there.
Fraternal: Seriously. What does this guy have that I don’t have?
Me: Well, he can tell a joke.

Outsourcing

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Ladies and gentlemen, Jared is sick, Bill’s mom is visiting, and he has his court date (remember when Bill went to jail) AND a gig tonight (at a casino). However, there is new content on Vilificationtennis.com today. Make sure to check out the Dear Frigid Slut column, written by yours truly. That’s right- I am Frigid Slut. If you have any questions for Frigid Slut, please send them to frigidslut@vilificationtennis.com

Bill will be back tomorrow with more hilarious postings. Or else.

 

NOTE: Frigid Slut is NSFW. In case blatant isn’t your forte.

The Casino Buffet.

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Since writing about what a goddamn pig I am last week I’ve made some healthier choices so I can get myself back down to “husky” or “stout”. I’ve been doing some cardio most days and yesterday I even chose carrots when I could have just as easily made a giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich and eaten it in the pantry so the wife and boy wouldn’t witness my shame. My stomach growled like a dealer growing impatient with a junkie coming up with excuses on why he doesn’t have any money but I ate those carrots. I ate them and told myself that was enough.


These are baby steps but I had a dozen people tell me after that blog that I can’t go on a diet, I have to change my lifestyle. This isn’t about temporarily cutting something out until I’ve lost the desired amount of weight but actually rewiring how I make decisions regarding food and exercise. It makes sense but changing the way one thinks about something as fundamental as eating isn’t the easiest task. To make it even harder I have three shows in casinos this month.



Casino gigs are usually pretty rough. I’ve done shows in a half dozen casinos and the set up has always been the same. You’re usually performing in the “lounge”. A bar in the middle of the casino that isn’t separated from the casino by any walls so the maddening electronic beeps and dings of slot machines assault you from all sides. The only people hanging out in the lounge are the ones that lost all their money already and are waiting for their friends to finish or the bingo bus to arrive or the cyanide capsule to kick in or whatever. It’s pretty much like that episode of Louie but I don’t get to bang Joan Rivers at the end of the night.


You can't tell by looking at it but in this photo I'm telling jokes at a comedy show. Somebody paid me to do this.




The above picture was taken at a casino bar in Wisconsin. The bar was in the middle of the casino and the walkway was the only way to get from one side of the casino to the other. There was no stage and no stage lights. There was no speaker system in the bar so they hooked the mic up to the PA system for the entire casino. Three people were in the bar my entire set and one had his back turned to me, watching the TV that the bartender didn’t turn off for the show. It was the second worst casino gig I’ve ever performed at.


While casino shows are usually an uphill battle and I normally don’t get my hopes up, sometimes they turn out well. For example, any booking agent for any of my upcoming casino gigs googling my name probably has the best show ever. Whether the show itself is good or bad, there’s always one thing to look forward to performing at a casino. The free buffet –


I feel like I died of a heart attack at a young age and went to fat people heaven!




I normally treat the “all you can eat” suggestion of a buffet as a command to eat until I physically am unable to eat anymore and the casino buffet is no exception. Even the smallest casinos usually have a huge buffet with a giant selection. When eating at a buffet the fat part of my mind and the poor part of my mind get together and I eat as much as possible because the more I eat, the better use I’m making of the money I spent and when the buffet is free it’s like I hit the jackpot. They say the house always wins but I’m fucking Rain Man in the casino buffet. I’ll down three plates before I even hit the dessert and when I do get dessert it’s cake, cookies and ice cream. Maybe a slice of pie, too if they got french silk.


I should mention that when I down three plates of food, these are plates arranged fat guy style. When heaping food onto your plate at the casino buffet you have several options –


Regular People:
A normal person will get a few things at the buffet. Maybe even start out with a salad plate and put salad on it. Then they go for a second trip and get food, something that makes sense like turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy and why the hell not a slice of pizza (these people normally wouldn’t have a slice of pizza with a turkey dinner but it’s a buffet!). Third trip they’ll get a dessert.

Overeaters (people like me):
Salad bar? Fuck that. The only time I’m going to the salad bar is to get some chocolate pudding or ranch dressing to dip my chicken fingers. First trip is to get a sampling of as many things as possible on the plate. Foods that were never meant to touch are plopped right next to each other and if a little gravy gets on the spaghetti, so be it. Second trip is for anything that got left out and a second helping of the favorite from the first plate. Third plate is the cool down round. Something light and maybe something weird that I’ve never tried before. Then as many desserts as possible.

The Vacuums:
There are always people at the casino buffet that make my eating habits look normal. These people probably didn’t even come to gamble unless it’s a metaphorical game of Russian Roulette where the chamber’s their aorta, the bullet is a hunk of fat and the trigger is a pile of honey glazed ham. These are the kind of people that have mathematically worked out how much food they can get on a plate to minimize trips and the energy spent walking. One time I saw a lady balance two plates on the front basket of her Rascal scooter while she held a third in her hands. Another time I saw a guy cover a plate of food with pizza slices and then put food on top of the pizza slices. He used food as a plate to put food on top of other foods. These are the champions. The kind of people whose ranks I could one day join if I make the wrong choices.


Like I said, getting healthier is about changing the lifestyle. If I refuse the casino buffet I’ll probably just end up there in the morning eating 50 sausage links for breakfast. I need to make the decision to go there and not eat “all I can eat” otherwise I’ll end up like pizza plate guy, trying to avoid eye contact with the chef as he cuts up the roast beef. The chef, having seen this plenty of times in his career asks “should I just put it on top of the pizza, sir?”


First casino gig’s tomorrow. I’ll let you know if I used the salad plate for salad.

Youngnotions.com Will Drop Sponsorship of Rush Limbaugh Immediately.

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Today I would like to announce that youngnotions.com will be ending it’s 25 year relationship with the Rush Limbaugh show in light of his recent comments about activist Sandra Fluke.


While advertising on Rush Limbaugh’s program has certainly brought over a lot of the core conservative demographic that we aim at, Rush’s statements and subsequent bullshit non apology have crossed a line of decency for us.


While readers of the blog have called on us to pull advertising many times in the past, like when he said Michael J. Fox was faking his Parkinson’s symptoms in a commercial for stem cell research. We decided to keep giving him money.


People sent petitions with hundreds of signatures to the offices of youngnotions.com when he called American soldiers who criticized the Iraq war “phony soldiers” but we decided to keep advertising with him.


When Rush played the “parody” song “Barack the Magic Negro” and continued to play it and even defend it when called out on it’s offensiveness, we stayed by his side.


When Rush admitted to being addicted to painkillers and was arrested for doctor shopping to get painkillers but then served no jail time because he paid $30,000 which is funny because on his radio show he said drug offenders should be convicted and sent up the river so now he’s proven that he’s a liar and a hipocrite, we kept advertising with him.


His comments about Sandra Fluke, however, are frankly too much. While we were happy in our relationship with a lying, hipocritical, racist, anti soldier anti disability talk show host we cannot ethically pay advertising money to a lying, hypocritical, racist, anti-soldier, anti disability drug addict talk show host who is also misogynist.


We hope conservative fans of youngnotions.com understands our position and will continue to support us. We’ll still bring you all the tradition and family values that you enjoy five days a week and you’ll be glad to know that all revenue that was directed towards ads on Rush Limbaugh’s program will be shifted to the construction of Glenn Beck’s “Spaceship to Heaven”.

this is actually his mugshot. No lie.