I remember when I was a little kid, and my peers all wanted to be astronauts. To go to space and eat space ice cream and do space things. We would come up with all sorts of things that had to be done differently in space, like drink water and brush your teeth.

It’s pretty much the coolest thing in the world.

But if you had told those kids how difficult one task was, they would have said things like “eeew!” and wrinkled their little noses, and giggle at the idea of it like the the 5-7 year olds that they are.

Apparently, on of the most complex things to do as an astronaut is go to the bathroom.

Well, shit.

Let’s start with the human body in space. Specifically the kidneys. One of the many things they do is act as a kind of “potty gauge,” to keep an eye on your bladder’s urine levels and let you know if you getting too full. One of the essential tools it uses to do this is gravity.

So when someone gets shot into space, the kidneys loose their grip on how full they are and start signalling to the rest of the body that they need to find a rest stop after about 2 hours or so. And it doesn’t matter how much mission control reminds them to use the potty before they go. Astronauts all become that whiny 4 year old in the back seat, crying “but MOM! I need to go to the bathroom NOW!”

Gravity is also an important factor in toilet function. We always talk about things going down the drain, but without gravity, there’s no “down” for things to go, and nothing to pull things into a container an hold them there.

There’s nothing to keep your shit together. Ahem.

So of course scientists have created very high tech toilets to circumnavigate this issue. For urine, they have a hose attachment with a light vacuum to pull the pee into a container. Each person gets a different personal funnel to use with this hose.

Apparently, even male astronauts are dudes at heart and continually ask for the largest funnel before getting properly fitted.

The shitter (technical term) also works off of a light vacuum technology. It’s a toilet seat with a 4 inch hole that you very carefully position your asshole (usually literal, but sometimes metaphorical) over. It’s such a precise piece of technology, that the astronauts have to go through classes on how to use it.

That’s right- astronaut potty training.

Come on, you guys. This isn’t rocket science!