A couple of weeks ago I saw a story on my facebook feed for a restaurant in L.A. that has a 45 page water menu and a “water sommelier”. I put quotations around “water sommelier” because that’s just a thing they made up and not a real profession.



The same restaurant came up on my newsfeed today with a different article and I wanted to write about it but what do you say? Obviously it’s bullshit. There was even an episode of Bullshit! dedicated to bottled water. A Norwegian news station reported that Voss water is basically tap water and a writer for Jezebel did a $12 “water flight” and reported that two of the waters tasted like water and the third tasted like shit.



This is nothing new. Bottled water has been fooling consumers and cluttering landfills for over a decade, some guy just figured how to increase the profit margin on it. The problem is I’m having a hard time thinking of a parody thing to compare it to. Like, what cheap thing could you jack up the price on to satirize this? My first thought was air but Oxygen Bars was a fad that died out years ago. I once knew a lady that threw birthday parties for dogs and made a ton of money off of it. Shitty jeans cost more money than sturdy ones. Rich idiots will pay for anything if you market it correctly and we’re running out of things to “expensify”.



The only thing I can think of that hasn’t been done is garbage. Like, charge people a bunch of money to buy garbage food.



Stay with me, here.



The first instinct is to market it as homeless chic but that won’t attract people. You have to convince them that food being in the garbage actually makes it better. You could say that pairing different foods in different garbage cans produces different taste combinations. Much like European cheese with maggots is considered a delicacy, the more flies that have had their way with your food, the better.



The garbage will be all locally sourced and is, by default, 100% recycled.



Okay this started as a joke but if I can get an investor in on this we could become insanely rich (almost went with the “filthy rich” pun but decided against it).

Eat my trash!