The NFL regular season has started this week according to facebook statuses on my feed from people who care about that sort of thing and I am just bursting with apathy for the 2013 NFL season!
I just can’t stand football. Don’t like it. Never have, never will. I hate the fact that plays take 45 minutes to line up and then last about 3 seconds. I hate the set of rules that make Quidditch look simple. I hate the fact that people lose their fucking minds over this sport more than any other.
There’s a hundred reasons for me to hate football and not a lot of reasons for me to love it since I’m in Minnesota and our team seems to eat shit every year.
Even though I can’t stand the sport, I always end up in conversations about it. At work, with friends, at a bar or on the road there’s always going to be conversations about football just because that’s what guys talk about. I’m almost convinced that other guys don’t like football either but it gives them something to talk about with other guys. Without football we’d all be looking around nervously, breaking the silence occasionally with awkward little statements like “So… that Syria thing’s pretty complicated.”
So, rather than throw a monkey wrench into conversations by saying something boring and pretentious like “UH ACTUALLY I DON’T CARE MUCH FOR THAT SPORT I THINK IT’S FOR TROGLEDYTES HOW ABOUT WE DISCUSS WORLD POLITICS HHHHMMMMM?” I’ve just learned how to blend into football conversations without knowing anything about football. It’s a little tricky in a one on one conversation but pretty easy in groups of three or more. Here’s a few tips and tricks.
Christian Ponder sucks – You only need to find out one player in the whole league who is awful and then just use him as a punching bag in conversations. According to my facebook feed, this year it’s Christian Ponder. Berate him, mock him, verbally eviscerate him. He is our sacrificial lamb. Serves him right for playing poorly or whatever.
“Derr I’m Christian Ponder derp derp” Shut up Christian. I hate you for some reason.
When watching a game at a bar, just cheer when everybody else cheers – You have to be good with your timing on this. Miss a beat and they’ll sniff you out but time it just right and total strangers will be giving you that one armed side hug in celebration. Touchdown!
When asked about the game yesterday or last weekend, just go “Ugh. Can you believe that shit?” Nine times out of ten they’ll just start extrapolating on the shit that you can’t believe that went on in the aformentioned game. Most of the time football fans just want a willing ear to hear them bitch about football. Just nod and smile.
With these tips you can successfully survive football season and then people can get back to talking about stuff that actually matters like movie adaptations of comic books.