Tag Archives: writing

A Story About the Inconvenience of Flying Because I’m an Unoriginal, Cliched Turd.

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Bill Young here blogging to you live from Akumal, Mexico! The sun is shining, the ocean is humid and filled with the sounds of animals that I’ve never seen and I’m in the bedroom of my villa with the lights off and the A/C on typing away on my laptop.



Right outside my window. Is that a coconut? Can I eat that? I'm gonna try to eat that later.





I hate what I’m about to do. The moment we got in we were greeted with a free meal and told all the comics were getting gift baskets full of goodies and coupons to local businesses. The villa was stocked with booze which we drank last night in a pool on the roof of the villa. The outside of the villa was crawling with these little gecko like lizards (adorably infested!). My only job here is to film a couple of sketches and perform in three shows. I really hate that I’m about to do this because I have no reason to complain but I’m going to bitch about the flight in.



Jena dropped me off at the MSP airport at 5:30 AM. I was set to fly out at 7:05 with 10 other people in the festival on a group flight rate. We were flying from Minneapolis Cancun with a stop in Dallas. Now, I’m a little scared of flying (part of my general fear of heights) but I’ve been on a plane about a half dozen times in my life and I’ve never really had a huge problem with it. The descent to landing is always a little nerve wracking but I’m usually fine the rest of the flight. We took off and the captain said over the intercom that there were some storms in Texas that we were going to fly around that may delay the flight a bit. I ate an airplane breakfast sandwich (which was delicious. Take that, ’80s stand up comics!), put my headphones on and dozed off listening to my ipod.



I woke up a couple of hours later and chatted with the other comics and listened to music as we approached Dallas. The captain came on the intercom again and told us there was lightning over Dallas right now and it was not safe to land. We were going to circle over Dallas for a while in a “holding pattern” to see if the storm clears up and if it didn’t, we’d land at the Wichita Falls regional airport to wait it out. It should take less than an hour but “we’re lucky we have enough fuel to circle over Dallas for a couple of hours”.



An hour passed and we were still circling around. The captain came on the intercom again and said that the conditions were still stormy so we were going to keep in the holding pattern. 45 minutes of more holding pattern and the captain told us that the Wichita Falls airport was so overrun with planes that were headed to Dallas that they were running out of fuel at that airport so we were going to keep circling and if it didn’t clear up we would go to Oklahoma Fucking City (he didn’t say “Fucking”) to refuel. We kept circling and I started trying to cope with the fact that this is where I live now. Time to start a new life in an airplane circling above Dallas and eating three dollar mini tins of Pringles (seriously they’re 75 cents at the gas station).



I started making a mental list of all the horrible things that could happen in a plane running out of fuel circling far far above Texas. We could just run out of fuel because of the captain’s foolish hope that Dallas would let us land. Just fall out of the sky into a high school football field (high school football fields make up about %60 of Texas’ geography). At least I’d finally get to see those oxygen masks pop out from the overhead compartment. I’ve only ever seen them in movies and always wondered if they even existed. Not many people survive plane crashes so you wonder if those masks even pop out when shit hits the fan. What if we hit another plane? We couldn’t be the only people waiting for Dallas to let us in. The Dallas sky was probably littered with circling planes and we were bound to crash sooner or later. Oh God there’s going to be a five plane pile up because of a storm WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST LAND IN WICHITA FALLS WHEN WE HAD THE CHANCE, CAPTAIN? YOUR FOOLISH HOPE IN DALLAS LETTING US IN HAS DOOMED US ALL!



We landed in Dallas fifteen minutes later. For those of you keeping score that was two hours of flying in circles. We spent another hour in the runway because there were so many planes trying to get in all at once. Everybody on the plane bitched about it but I was just glad to be on the ground. I would’ve kissed the ground when we got off the plane but eww, Texas.


Trip Planning.

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Many of you regular reader know that I’ll be heading out to Mexico on Sunday for the Akumal Comedy Festival because I refuse to shut up about it and it’s true! I’m going to Mexico on Sunday!


I have to do a lot of preparation for this trip. As a part time road comic, I’m pretty used to throwing some underwear and a toothbrush (the only two things I ever bring when I travel) into a duffel bag and heading out to some small midwestern town for 1 to 4 nights but this trip is different. I’ll be gone for 8 days. This will be the longest I’ve ever been apart from Jena since we first started dating. This will also be my first time in a foreign country (except Canada but I really don’t think that counts. As a Minnesotan I’m pretty much Canadian anyway) and the furthest I’ve ever traveled. Here’s just a few of the steps I’ve taken to prepare for my journey.


* Watch ¡Three Amigos! for fashion tips.

I'm sure you can find that outfit at Target.




* Google a list of recommended vaccinations for travelling to mexico so I know what to tell the doctor I have when I get back. I’m pretty sure I’m up to date on most of those. I think. Oh well, Typhoid’s probably not nearly as bad as it sounds.



* Check the weather.

Oh, that's nice.



*Feel guilty that Jena’s not coming along. Make a mental note to take pictures of myself with a sad face exploring Mayan ruins, sad face sitting in the infinity pool, sad face drinking on the beach etc.



* Remember that airplanes have that stupid liquid rule. Does that mean I can’t bring my deodorant? It’s the gel kind. Does that count as liquid? I don’t want to have to buy a whole new bottle while I’m down there so I’ll just put on 8 days worth of deodorant right before I leave. I should be fine.


Pretty sure that about covers it. I’m told there’s free wireless there so I’ll should be able to put up a couple of blogs next week and still harass my facebook friends into coming to my comedy shows (New hope Cinema Grill April 27th and 28th!) if I can figure out how to use Mexican internet without getting “Montezuma’s Revenge”. The majority of the blogs next week will be done by Jena, who has the week off from work and gets to experience my life as a homemaker/bullshit comedy writer. Hopefully after walking a mile in my robe and slippers she’ll gain some perspective and realize the plight of the stay at home mom (it’s so easy).

Interview: Craigslist Rants and Raves.

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After yesterday’s interview with Matt Olson I realized a few things.



1: I think I can say, without ego, that I’m really awesome at interviewing people.

2: Interviews are super easy to write. You only have to write half an article. That’s probably why magazines had so many interviews back when they were a thing that existed.

3: We were almost out of almond milk. I was able to fix this by going to the store and buying more almond milk.


Now this won’t be all interviews, all the time but it’s nice to know if I’m running out of ideas I can always interview my 11 year old stepson or my neighbor that looks like a homeless Marc Maron. Today I’ll be interviewing the the Rants and Raves section of Craigslist.


For years, the Rants and Raves section of craigslist has been home to opinions too inflammatory to be shared on sites like facebook or twitter (due to lack of anonymity) but too stupid to be shared on sites like 4chan or reddit (even those people have standards). I sat down with Rants and Raves to talk about their life, their loves and their opinions of black people.


Bill: Thanks for taking a few minutes to talk to me. I know you must be really busy.



CLR&R: BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY EVER, NASA SPACE PROGRAM TRILLIONS LOST ON THAT (BRIGHT PEOPLE THERE), SPEND $ TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO DUMP 100S OF TONS OF GARBAGE IN OUTER SPACE WHILE ACCOMPLISHING NOTHING,WHOS THE IDIOT THAT THOUGHT OF THAT? WONDER HOW MUCH CORRUPTION WAS INVOLVED, CANT SMOKE A CIG ANYWHERE BY LAW BUT EVERY LAUNCH CREATED ENOUGH SECOND HAND SMOKE EQUAL TO 500 QUAD TRILLION CIGARETTES,NO WONDER YOU CAN’T SEE STARS ANYMORE THE GOV CHOKED OFF THE SKIES SO BAD YOU CAN’T SEE EM,



Bill: You do have a point. We should be able to smoke anywhere because of spaceships. You’ve been pretty active, politically. Do you support any particular party or candidate?



CLR&R: facts. not all independent people are rich but all rich people are independent but all independent people are free , no dependent person is rich or free .

doesnt get much more self explanatory than that . i might not be rich but damned if im giving up my freedom .

...wha?





Bill: So… are you saying Kerry’s like… Dukakis? But neither of them are running this… whatever. Let’s talk about the current administration. You’ve said some pretty critical things about the president in the past.



CLR&R: The only truth (USA). The pictures tell it all.

but Hitler and Stalin were enemies in... nevermind.

wait. are you trying to say... I'm having a hard time seeing this as not racist.





Bill: Okay. It seems like part of your problem with the President is his race. Care to comment on that?



CLR&R: Tupac. Tupac Shakur ,from my understanding was just another Richie Rich spoiled litte boy whose thing was “He liked to spit on other people”. My what a great role model. No wonder somebody shot the P.O.S. And no wonder, that these other P.O.S. are getting shot on a regular basis. If it has always been like this I can see why they had lynchings . No offense meant but if thats how they act murdering assaulting robbing raping etc string them up. Thats what they did with white murdering assaultive rapists assholes who try to spit on other people.

Hey Tupac how did that spitting on people work out for ya?



Bill: Huh. Listen, we’re running out of time here so could you just kind of wrap it up with something racist, conservative, local and confusing all mashed up together?



CLR&R: Minnesota Killing Down 99% (Hooded Rat’s Welfare). lease say no to more cop’s & yes to Ziggys new playground for his overpayed and underplayed playmates. The hooded rat’s have killed 4 in two days in the twincitys. Hoodrats with asses hanging out, make we the people the asses.. Voters I.D. Gay-Rights should take the weak minded away from the real problems of the State.



Bill: Thanks. This was really fun.



CLR&R: WTF IS FACEBOOK FOR? SNOOPY PEOPLE? (I WOULDN’T GIVE EM $5 DOLLARS FOR CO). FACEBOOK ONLY FOLLOWS PEOPLE AROUND LIKE A STALKER, WHAT IS FACE BOOK FOR ANYWAY? SOCIALIZE? EVER HEAR OF A PHONE? IT’S THAT THING YOU DIAL, I SIGNED UP ONLY TO DISCOVER U CAN’T DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT SO THEY CAN FOLLOW A PERSONS PERSONAL LIFE FOREVER, I THINK IT IS JUST AN ADVERTISING ENGINE.



Bill: I’m… just going to go now.


For more information on craigslist rants and raves, ask a crazy racist.

Akumal Comedy Festival Interview: Portrait of An Artist: The People of The Akumal Comedy Festival: Profile Interview: Director Matt Olson

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As some of you may know I’ll be in Akumal, Mexico all next week for the First Annual Akumal Comedy Festival and youngnotions.com will be the official blog of the festival because nobody else has staked that claim yet! Do you need approval of the festival to be the official blog? Whatever.


As the so far undisputed official blog of the Akumal Comedy Festival, we’ll be interviewing some of the performers and producers that are making this happen and are responding to my emails asking for the interview. I’m excited that our first artist interview will be with director Matt Olson!



Director Matt Olson near a camera either about to direct something or just finished directing something.




Matt Olson cut his teeth in the Minneapolis comedy scene directing for sketch comedy groups The Label and The Other Side Project. After winning the 2008 and 2009 Minneapolis 48 Hour Film Festivals with his shorts “Birthmarked For Death” and “The Grave Review”, Matt moved to Los Angeles. Since then, he’s written and directed an Emmy and Telly award winnning PSA, written a half hour comedy show for FX and is currently developing a web series for MTV. With the experience of directing over 100 live multimedia shows over the years, Matt is coming down to Akumal to not only film the festival but direct several original comedy sketches. The sketches, written and performed by the comedians of the festival, will all be shot in the the few days leading up to the fest. Youngnotions.com sits down with Matt to discuss the unique challenge of producing comedy under tight deadlines.


Bill: Given your experience with the 48 Hour Film Challenge, you’re no stranger to filming sketch comedy under tight time restrictions. For the Akumal Fest you’re going to shoot and edit several short sketches in the matter of a few days. How would you say working under such pressure changes the process? Does it help?

Matt: I think that working under tight time constraints can yield really good stuff. It pushes you to work at the top of your abilities and makes it nearly impossible to second guess your ideas. This helps make the work more honest and instinctual. Of course the good ideas couldn’t come to life or be done justice without a really solid crew. We had around 25 folks working on our first 48 hour and over 40 on the Grave Review. We have a great bunch working the Akumal shoot. Really an accomplished set of filmmakers. One of the added challenges is that there’s only four of us, so pushing that boulder’s going to take a lot effort.

Bill: You’ve only got a few people working with you on the production end this time around while you have over a dozen comedians writing for you. It’s almost a reverse of your 48 experiences with just a few writers and a large production crew. Is that going to change your process much?

Matt: Yes, I think the large amount of talent ensures I’ll be working even harder on the writing/directing side of things.
We want to include everyone who’s into this but because of our limitations it’s going to be hard to feature everyone equally.
We also don’t want to do something that’s just an extended role call. No final episode of Seinfeld for me please.
We’re still going to be pushing to make work that at actually features some character development and has a cinematic look and feel to it.
I think the key to this lies in finding thematic, comedic and ironic connections between a bunch of diverse folks playing heightened versions of themselves.

Ok maybe diverse isn’t the right word. They’re mostly a bunch of white male comedians. With this crew I guess you could find diversity in “beard/no beard” or wimpy and skinny vs. fat hairy.

Bill:Hey, way off topic but do you remember the time we were at the Nomad with Denson and you totally nerded out on that hot waitress?

Matt: Remind me.

Bill: Okay. We were all on the patio and ordered from this waitress. She came back with our drinks really fast, like a minute later. I said “Wow, that was super fast” and she said “I know, I’m just like Flash Gordon!”

Matt: Doesn’t ring a bell.

Bill: So she says “Just like Flash Gordon” and then you respond by saying “Uhhh, I think you mean ‘The Flash'”. You might have said “Uhh, I think you mean DC Comics’ ‘The Flash'” but I can’t remember.

Either way, the waitress scrunched up her face and said something to the effect of “Whatever” and left. Did you get her number after that? I can’t remember. She really seemed into being corrected on comic book trivia. Girls like that stuff.

Matt: She was obviously not my type.

Bill: Maybe you just weren’t specific enough. She probably would’ve hopped on your jock right then and there if you were just more pedantic about it. Follow it up with something like “And even then there aren’t any female Flashes so call yourself ‘Jessie Quick’ next time”.

Matt:Go fuck yourself, Bill.

Bill: Good interview.


If you’d like to see more of Matt Olson, you can find him at a comic book shop on Wednesday (that’s when the new releases come out).

Craigslist Job Posting: Familiar With Scientology Church?

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I was on craigslist this morning looking for ads in the talent section that didn’t involve women being filmed kicking dudes in the balls when I saw this ad in the writing section.



Familiar with Scientology Church? (Minneapolis)

I’m in need of a short paper, about 1 page long describing a Scientology church. My assignment called for me to visit a Scientology church, but I have not had the chance. I was specifically going to visit the one in st. Paul, but if you can write a short description about any Scientology church that would be fine. I was thinking of paying 30$?…willing to negotiate though…hope you can help!:)


Okay, let’s just push past the hilarious fact that this kid put out a craigslist ad for somebody to do his homework for 30 bucks because I could seriously use 30 bucks right now. While I’ve never been to the Church of Scientology in St. Paul, I’ve read some pretty disturbing shit about it on wikipedia and I saw that one episode of South Park.

Xenu!

I also tried reading Dianetics once after picking it up at a garage sale for $0.50 but gave up after 20 pages because it was a seriously boring and complicated read.


Given my extensive knowledge and exhaustive research (20 minutes of googling), I think I’m up to the task of writing what it’s like visiting the Church.


I had originally planned on visiting the Church of Scientology with the intention of taking a free tour and, if I had time, one of their “personality tests”. Upon entering the massive, ornate facility that once was home to the Science Museum of Minnesota, I strolled around the cafe and found myself in the reading room surrounded by copies of Dianetics and other works by L.Ron Hubbard, Scientology’s founder. I picked up a copy of “The Indegestible Triton” and lazily thumbed through it, chuckling a bit to myself at the campy fantasy tale.

A well groomed and cheery man approached me and said “isn’t he a great writer? You could spend hours in this reading room. I have.” He extended his hand and told me his name was Kevin. I told him I was just browsing and put the book back, commenting that this was one of the biggest “churches” I’ve ever seen. Kevin laughed and said that it wasn’t really a church but the list of people who benefited from Scientology was growing every day. He asked if I wanted to take a free personality test and I politely declined, stating that I was only here researching a school paper on Scientology.

Kevin’s eyebrows raised. “Oh? I hope you aren’t too harsh on us!” He laughed for a bit and then fell silent, staring right into my eyes. I told him that I had done some research on the religion and just wanted to see what it was like first hand. He put his hand on my shoulder and said “Well let me give you a personal tour, then.” He walked me down a hallway and pointed out a couple of large meeting rooms and a group of smaller meeting rooms that were for “auditing”. A process that he assured me that I’d find out about soon enough. He then brought me to a large, empty office. The office, he said, belonged to L. Ron Hubbard. He told me that it was there as a monument, a tribute to their late founder. Writer of all those books in the reading room just like the one I was holding earlier. “Were you enjoying ‘The Indigestible Triton?'” he asked. I shrugged and said that it was “a bit hokey” and he immediately snapped back “The Indigestible Triton is my favorite book. Let’s keep walking, shall we?”

We went upstairs and he brought me into a large, 300 seat IMAX theater. The lights were dim and it was completely empty, save us. Kevin asked me to wait for the theater for a moment because there was something he wanted to show me. He walked out and the doors to the theater slammed shut. The lights dimmed even more and the projector turned on. I called out for Kevin and his voice boomed from the projection booth “the doors are locked but don’t worry. I think you’ll find that you’ll be on the edge of your seat the whole movie!”

My eyes grew wide in horror as I realized what was about to be played. “You can’t do this! This is inhumane!”

Kevin laughed maniacally. “According to the ‘Fair Game’ policy I can use whatever tactics needed to silence the critics of Scientology! Enjoy your screening of ‘Battlefield Earth’, man-animal!”

I’m writing this down as fast as I can in hopes that I get it all before I inevitibly go insane. Those kids in the Guy Fawkes masks were right. God help me.


Now that’s an assignment worth $30!

The Six Fakest Cracked Article Names I Could Come up With

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Going through the “downloads” folder of the images on my computer and realizing I had over a dozen pictures of republican presidential candidates stored up made me realize that I may be focusing a bit too much on the political side of things lately. Sure, it’s easy and it gets eyeballs on the website but I’m really not a political comedian and this is supposed to be a comedy blog. Let’s get back to the business of writing straight up comedy.


Now while writing for this blog is certainly fun for me there’s no money in it. I know there’s usually an ad at the bottom but I don’t see a penny from those (it all goes to wordpress) and my talks with Rush Limbaugh’s people about sponsoring his line of iced tea on the site are going nowhere.


Yes. It's a real thing. Yes, it's called "Two if by Tea" and yes that's Rush dressed as Paul Revere.




There is money to be had for writing comedy on the internet though. I’m a big fan of cracked.com


I really only put a pic of the logo on here so it'll show up on the link when I post this on facebook.




and while Cracked has it’s own staff and columnists, a lot of their content is generated by user submissions. Read enough and you’ll see that the submissions that get picked all follow a pretty specific pattern. That pattern is

1) Numbered lists.
2) Something do do with either science or history.
3) Make it sound cool, sexy or badass.


With that in mind, here’s the titles of some of the Cracked articles I’m working on to submit at the moment.


The 5 Most Unusually Sexual Zeppelin Disasters in History
Oh, the eroticism!

7 Scientific Discoveries That Were Predicted by Hanna-Barbera Cartoons
Jabberjaw was a modern day Nostrodamus.

The 6 Most Badass Toddlers in History
These tiny tykes could kick the shit out of you and still have time for an afternoon nap.

4 Ways Science Has Proven That Bears are Smarter Than Most People
Can YOU catch a fish with your teeth?

5 Famous Video Game Characters Based on U.S. Presidents
That’s actually Teddy Roosevelt under Master Chief’s Helmet.

The 7 Most Sexy Science Badass History Lists
Badass science and sexy history!


Don’t get me wrong. I read Cracked all the time and I’d write for them in a heartbeat. I just think it’s fun to come up with fake Cracked article titles. In fact, leave a comment with your best fake Cracked article headline and I will pick one winner and make a full article about your headline to post in the blog (Disclaimer: I get to change the number if it’s a fact based headline or if you’re a dick and use some number like 5,000)!

The Crazy Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: Spring 2012 Issue.

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The time has come once again for me to scour the site stats for search engine hits because I can’t think of anything else to write about. I seriously love doing these posts and there’s enough crazy ass google searches leading to this blog that I could do a new one every month. For those of you new to the blog this is the fifth time I’ve done this. Click the links below for past installments of the series.


Shitting While Standing Bad For Health

Foreskin Donut

I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job

the fuck you fuck you dairy


Here’s a look at some of the things people type into google (or bing if you’re a tool) that leads them to the jokey musings and fart thoughts that make up youngnotions.com.


what is the medical term for queef?
I didn’t even remember writing about queefs before so I actually google searched “youngnotions queef” and found that it was a comment about queefs from a previous search engine post (thanks, Sheena!) that caused the hit. Now that I’ve typed “queef” a half dozen times I’ll probably get a lot more queef searches. Queeftastic.

Also, just for the queef of it I searched “queef” in wikipedia and there is a page for “vaginal flatulence”. It states the latin term is “flatus vaginalis” so I guess there is a medical term.



how much for a fucking box of girl scout cookies
I love the idea that there’s somebody out there who swears so much they can’t even ask the internet a question without lacing it with profanity. I’m not alone!


i want a fat wife
That’s great but this marriage has the fat husband / thin wife CBS sitcom dynamic going. Just to see how she’d react, I asked Jena what she thought of this search engine term. Her face scrunched up, she swallowed her anger and then said “I have a fat wife!”.


my littleporny
I don’t know if that porn parody exists. I’m not going to search to see if that porn parody exists. I’m just going to hope that it doesn’t exist and move on.


are chinese fire drills illegal in australia
Everybody knows that as long as it’s racist, it’s legal in Australia.



Thanks to everybody who accidentally visited the site searching for Dragon Feet (actual search engine hit) or whatever!

Shower Cap Adventures!

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Hello, friends and weirdos searching for that girl from the “one weird trick to stay asleep all night” ad (we get about 10 search engine hits a day for this one now)! I’m back from my first of three casino shows this month. Wednesday night I was at Black Bear Casino opening for the hilarious Paul Hooper (who you kids in the twin cities can see at the Joke Joint Comedy Club this weekend). Yesterday morning, as I was getting ready to leave the hotel and stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down including but not limited to tiny bottles of shampoo, scratchy towels, single serving packages of coffee and Gideon Bibles –



Placed by the Gideons. Stolen and eaten by Bill Young. That's right. I eat bibles.




I noticed that this hotel provides shower caps. Even before I started going bald I never had my hair long enough to require a shower cap. Frankly, I don’t even know if you can buy these in stores. Maybe shower caps haven’t been used in decades but nobody bothered to tell the hotel industry.


Whatever. I don’t care why they have them but whenever a hotel does provide a shower cap I promptly make sure to wear it.


Why wouldn't you wear a shower cap?




As I packed up my remaining items and got ready to leave, Mr. Hooper knocked on my door. I opened it and told him it’d be just a second. He asked why I was wearing a shower cap and I told him “uhhh… because it’s funny? (see above photo. It is). He agreed but told me he asked in case I had lice or something (which I don’t!). He then dared me to wear it in the casino as we checked out and left. I agreed.


We walked to the front counter, dropped off our key cards and then went to the coffee shop inside the casino. Plenty of people saw the bald guy in a shower cap but nobody batted an eyebrow. I’m not sure if it’s because people hanging out at a casino at 9AM on a Wednesday aren’t exactly self aware or if people think I have a weird medical thing and they’re making an effort to not stare. Either way I’m not getting any the attention that I’m quite plainly craving. I ask to stop at the diner to grab some food to go and we walk all the way to the back of the casino. While we’re at the diner, Hooper ups the ante by suggesting I cry as we walk through the casino back to the car.


I dismiss the idea at first, thinking it’d be too much of a hassle to fake cry for three full minutes but when I get the food and we start walking back I start weeping softly. Squinting, misty eyed and a few sniffles. Hooper is walking a few steps ahead of me and doesn’t even notice I’m crying until we pass a group of people and they just stare at me. He asks if I’m okay, playing along and I say “I just… *sniff* I just, can we go home? I wanna go home”.


Now fully aware of what’s going on, Hooper starts snaking through the casino, trying to walk by as many people as possible as I follow behind, sobbing softly wearing a shower cap and carrying a breakfast sandwich. When we get to the front entrance a double decker bus is parked and and a stream of senior citizens walk into Black Bear, their first sight of their casino journey is that of a grown man walking out crying and wearing a shower cap. Once in the parking lot Hooper looked back and said “Okay, we’re in the clear. You can stop. Seriously, man. Stop it. Please stop crying.”


I’m method. Once you’re in character it’s hard to pull out.

I’m So Goddamn Fat.

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I’ve been fat for a really long time. As an adult I’ve bounced around between 220-250 pounds. My weight fluctuation usually follows a pattern of –


1. Do something strenuous that leaves me gasping for air (shovel the diveway, help a friend move, play a game of kickball, run a half block).

2. Decide to weigh myself after anybody who saw me do the strenuous activity asks if I’m okay and comments how my entire head turned purple during said strenuous activity.

3. Realize that I’m really fat and start working out / dieting. Drop 25 – 30 pounds.

4. Slowly gain weight back, go back to step one.


This cycle usually repeats itself every year or so but the cycle was broken when my bathroom scale died and I didn’t bother getting a new one. We all know ignoring a problem makes the problem go away and as long as I can still tie my own shoes I figured I’m fine. Then I got arrested.


One of the many things they didn’t tell me during the booking process is that at one point I stood on a scale. There was no scale to be seen so I guess it was some cleverly hidden floor thing that weighed me while I got my mugshot. Why don’t they tell you? Were too many self conscious fat people holding up the line by asking to take their pants and shirt off to make sure that the scale gets an accurate reading? Whatever the reason, I found out when my weight was listed on the bracelet they gave me.


268 pounds.



Holy shit that’s the fattest I’ve ever been. That’s weird, though. I don’t think I look that different. Check it out –

Maybe it's all beard weight.





That doesn’t look much different than when I was 30 pounds lighter. The jail scale’s gotta be off or something. That’s it. Probably wasn’t calibrated right.



Wait. What happens if I tilt the angle a bit and move my chin down a little?

Holy shit! Kevin Spacey's gonna make me eat until I die!




AAAAHHH!


Alright. I think it might be time to go back on a diet and start exercising. Dieting’s never easy for me. I eat like a pig. Here’s some of the biggest reasons for why I look like the mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.


Peanut Butter

I actually buy Roundy's Peanut Butter because I'm poor but they don't have any images on google image search so here you go.





I fucking love eating peanut butter so much. The amount of peanut butter I put on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is pretty disgusting. I’ve used up to a fifth of a jar on a sandwich and I usually make two sandwiches or more. One time I made a hotdog and wondered what it would taste like if I spread peanut butter on the bun. I didn’t follow through with it but the fact that I even thought about it is a little disturbing. Sometimes I take flour tortillas (the giant Chipotle burrito sized ones) and just make a peanut butter and jelly burrito.


Snack Cakes

"Do you eat the icing first or the cake first?" I shove the whole thing in my mouth when nobody's looking and cry.





The picture is of a Hostess cupcake but I’ll eat any brand. Dolly Madison, Mrs. Freshly’s, Entenmann’s, whatever. I’ll take whatever the gas station is selling. I’ll get a package of these anytime I stop at a gas station for any reason. If I’m at a grocery store I’ll get the 12 pack and pretend like they’re for the whole family but Jena and Jared are usually lucky if they get two snack cakes a piece before I have devoured them all. I don’t even bother trying to blame somebody else for eating them all. Whatever. I’m fat. Consider yourself lucky you got two.



Beer
This has become less of an issue recently as I’m finding that I can’t really handle my beer as well the next day (beer shits. I might have a mild gluten allergy or something) but a six pack of beer will cost you 1000-1300 calories, depending on how tasty the beer is (tastier = more calories).


Those are the three main things I need to cut out (I’m aware that I have to eat healthier in general, but these are the main three accomplices to my mantits). My ultimate goal is to not have a Kevin Smith experience when I board a plane in April. Fingers crossed!

If Making Fun of Michele Bachmann is Illegal I May Have More Jail Stories to Post Real Soon.

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I’m not obsessed with Michele Bachmann. Sure, she’s been the subject of ridicule from me a few times and I’ve even taken shots at her as she faded from the political limelight but it’s nothing more than the product of lazy writing. She’s crazy, constantly in the news (especially here in MN) and when you’re trying to get a new blog posted every weekday by noon sometimes you pick the low hanging fruit.


Unfortunately, I may have to start looking at other fruit to pick because insulting Michele Bachmann is now something that can prompt a grand jury investigation.



Seriously. A grand jury in D.C. just subpoenaed twitter to get the identity of a user that “professed desire to engage in sadomasochistic activities” with Michele Bachmann. Somebody should have told him that Marcus is more the whips and chains type.


The man, known only as “Mr. X” in the subpoena, tweeted last year “I want to fuck Michelle Bachman (sic) in the ass with a Vietnam era machete”. Hell, the paragraph following is so hilarious I’m going to post the whole thing, unedited (the entire subpoena can be found on the strib article linked above).


“Unfortunately, an overview of Mr. X’s Twitter page is warranted. Mr. X’s body of tweets is extremely crude and in almost incomprehensibly poor taste. Occasionally political but almost consistently vacuous, his oeuvre represents an infantile attempt at humor that brings to mind the most obscene aspects of Andrew Dice Clay, but without even the infinitesimal modicum of artistic creativity that Mr. Clay managed to possess. The page is entirely without merit, comedic or otherwise. More offensive even than Mr. X’s chosen vocabulary is the pathetic transparency and vapidity of his attempt to elicit the attention on the internet that he surely lacks in real life. Somehow, this attempt has succeeded to the tune of, at the time of the issuance of this Order, 736 followers – a number that will certainly and regrettably grow once this Order is released to the public. A sad state of affairs indeed. Readers are free, though ill-advised, to form their own opinions regarding Mr. X’s output in their own time. It suffices here to include a mere sampling some representative tweets, which are replicated without modification.

Goddamn I just smacked my wife with my Dick… Now she has a cock shaped bruise on her face… Take that take that take that (there were a few more tweets in the subpoena but I’ll just leave it at that)



Holy shit this Mr. X guy just got served in more ways than one. Judge Smackdown tore this guy apart! I seriously hope my body of work is never submitted to a grand jury because I don’t think I could handle the criticism. That was harsh.


This all seems a bit silly, really. I obviously don’t care for Crazyeyes McGaypray but I don’t wish her any physical harm (you hear that, CIA? I’m harmless!). Genuine threats to her should be investigated but I sincerely doubt this is a sincere threat. He’s just a shitty comedian trying to get shock value laughs. Mr. X probably won’t be getting his hands on any machete, Vietnam era or otherwise and Michele Bachmann’s ass can stop worrying and get back to clenching every time somebody tries to force energy efficient light bulbs on her.


Judging by the uncomfortable look on her face in this pic maybe Mr. X actually did follow through.