Tag Archives: weather

I’m Afraid to go Outside Right Now.

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Yesterday I heard repeatedly on the radio about how we’re going to get 3-7 inches of snow. How the morning commute was going to be shit. Meteorologists kept going on about this freak May snowstorm that was going to blanket the Twin Cities with a thick, heavy slush overnight.



This morning I turn my computer on and find out that it was worse than predicted. As much as 13 inches have been dumped as far south as Rochester and as far north as Brainerd.



I look outside and not a drop or flake is on the ground.



…what?



There… was a snowstorm, right? I get that meteorologists can fuck up their predictions sometimes but the news said there was snow!



Here’s a map with the three cities listed in the beginning of the article I linked. Minneapolis is right in the middle of that –



How...

How…





Apparently there’s snow all around me but there’s no snow in Minneapolis. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there’s no snow but now I’m just scared that it’s waiting for me out there. Like, the second I get outside the snow’s all going to fall down in one clump like a cartoon and then the tow truck drivers come and tow my car for snow emergency because they’re a bunch of evil Satan-worshipping wizards!



…I’m putting on a jacket just to be safe.

Snow in April.

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This is really, really shitty. There’s a winter storm that doesn’t know it’s fucking spring dumping snow all over the country. Here in MN we got an inch or so last night and are supposed to get 3-5 more tonight. After a long winter that had a lot of punishing snowstorms, this last storm is just rubbing salt on the wound. We’re getting so worn down by the long winter that Canada will take the opportunity to Annex us any day now –



snow!



It’s bad enough I have to drive around in this and shovel it off my sidewalk. The worst part of all of this is that it’s all my fault.



It’s my fault that we’re getting this blizzard. I’m so sorry. See, about a month ago I did a post about getting towed during snow emergency that included bragging about not getting towed once this year and a lot of people read it because I used a lot of colorful language to describe history’s greatest villain, the tow truck driver.



Now, I’m not saying a tow truck driver read the article because, as we all know, they’re all illiterate. I could imagine a tow truck driver being told about the post by their meth dealer or hooker or something. Once one found out they spread the word and pretty soon every tow truck driver knew I was out there just bragging that I had escaped their wrath.



This wouldn’t stand with them. Nobody escapes the wrath of the tow truck driver.



Gathering in the parking lot of a shitty strip club. The tow truck drivers used their gypsy-like magic powers to summon a powerful weather system to blanket the earth with snow until I finally would slip up and get towed for snow emergency.



I’m not going to let that happen. I’m sorry so many people had to get pulled into this but I refuse to let my car get towed for snow emergency. Let them bring the snow until June.