Tag Archives: twinkies

Funeral for a Friend.

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You ever have somebody in your life who was just there for you? Somebody you could always count on? Somebody who didn’t judge you, never asked anything of you? A friend who just wanted to make you feel better during the bad times and celebrate with you during the good?



For me that friend is Hostess Brand Snack Cakes and they’re gone now.



would you knooooow my naaaaaame, if I saw you in heaven?





They were there for me whenever I was feeling down. I could always count on them to be waiting for me at the gas station after a night of binge drinking. They’ve kept me company on countless road trips but now they’ll be gone forever as Hostess will be shutting down operations.



Sure, they’ll be selling off their assets and somebody else may pick up the mantle but it won’t be the same. The new owners will change the formula slightly or just rebrand their product as a hostess product. It won’t be the Hostess I fell in love with.



So what can I do? Hoard the product? That’s an option. When I was in 7th grade my science teacher told the class about how she was given a Twinkie as an award by some friends in college. She was known for loving them so they glued one to a plaque and presented it to her. 30 years later she was going through some old boxes in the attic and she found her Twinkie trophy. All wrapped up and fresh looking as the day it was purchased. Out of curiosity she opened up the 30 year old Twinkie and ate it. Tasted just fine.



So sure, you can hoard but what happens then? There’s only a finite amount of Hostess products and as their supply diminishes their value will grow until that shit is like gasoline in The Road Warrior –



Just walk away. Give me your Cupcakes, the Ding Dongs, the Fruit Pies, and the Ho-Hos, and I’ll spare your lives. Just walk away and we’ll give you a safe passageway in the wastelands. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.





No. The best thing to do is remember the good times but let our friend pass. Only then can we gain some closure and maybe lose some weight.

Too Fat to Fail

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Sometimes it’s hard to believe the economy sucks. With all the cheap, modern conveniences afforded to us it’s kind of difficult to compare today to the great depression. Here I am, poor as shit and I’m typing away on my laptop in my heated home trying not to get distracted by the thought of the bacon wrapped hot dogs I’m going to make for lunch. Not exactly dust bowl farmer material sitting here.


Oh how will I ever afford that new IiPad case?




Even though it can be difficult to really feel the effect of the poor economy, it’s not impossible. There’s certain things that make you realize, without a doubt, that we are in trouble. For example, Hostess is declaring bankruptcy.





You know the economy’s in the shitter when you can’t turn a profit selling Twinkies in America. This company was founded in 1930 during the beginning of the great depression and they somehow managed to claw their way to the top by shoving sugared fat down the throats of Americans until we became the fattest country in the world and now they’re failing? Yeah, it’s a recession.


Cnn reports that Hostess will still churn out the cupcakes and Ding Dongs while filing bankruptcy but it owes $21 million to it’s employees for services rendered and $1 billion to creditors. Now Hostess says it will continue operation and won’t shut down any plants or layoff any employees but how long can they go without paying them? 83% of their employees are union and they’ll probably tolerate being paid in Sno Balls for so long. How long will this go on before Hostess goes under?


I think we all know what needs to happen. Federal bailout.


Think about it. Hostess is an American icon and they would only need like less than %2 the amount that was used to bail out the banks. Why can’t they get a bailout? I don’t even bank with the big banks but I eat Zingers like a motherfucker.


Brother, can you spare $1 billion in stimulus?