It’s been almost a week with no milk and cheese in the house. One can certainly learn a lot about food by making a radical change to their diet. Here’s a few things I’ve learned.

1. As far as milk substitutes go, almond milk is the best. I bought soy, rice and almond milk for the family to taste test because we need a milky thing for cooking and pouring over cereal. Almond milk rules. I don’t even know why they make rice and soy milk. They taste like shit water and deserve the worst of punishments for what they did to my mouth. Fuck you, soy and rice milk.

2. We’ve started taking probiotic pills and holy shit do they give you gas. These last few days have been nothing but a constant stream of burps and farts coming from everybody involved. It’s like an Adam Sandler movie but without all the blatant product placement.

FART FART EAT POPEYE'S AND SHOP AT K-MART FART FART

3.  When naming milk substitutes, dignity is thrown right out the window.  We got a vegan mac and cheese called “Mac and Chreese” (Chreese, like “trees” because it’s made from plants HAHAAAAAA) and I bought a sour cream substitute from Tofutti (yes, just like the Mr. Show sketch)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5i6BHBuqxE&w=420&h=315]

called Sour Supreme. On the package it says “BETTER than sour cream!”. The worst part about it is when I saw it at the store I thought it might be. Almond milk is delicious, why wouldn’t this be as well? It says it’s better than sour cream right on the package! Imagine my disappointment when I actually tasted the stuff.

It wasn’t horrible but it was no sour cream. Why would you lie to me like that, Tofutti? Are you trying to convince yourself that it’s better? Let’s face it. Nobody’s buying this shit because they want to, they’re buying it because their body or religion or whatever told them they can’t have dairy. While I get that you don’t want to name your product “Not as Good as Sour Cream but Hey, it Doesn’t Taste Like Shit so Cut Us Some Slack Here Because You Can Only Do so Much With a Goddamn Soybean!” don’t lie and say it’s better. You’re not fooling me and you’re not fooling yourself.

It’s not better than sour cream. Damn you, Tofutti, you went and broke my heart.