Tag Archives: toe socks

The Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines Volume 473: Toe Sock Sex

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Many of our regular readers know that occasionally I’ll plumb the depths of our site stats to find out what people are typing into search engines like bing or blekko that lead them to this site. It’s been a while so let’s take a look at what you pervs are asking Jeeves when nobody is looking!



Toe Socks Sex
We’ve actually had two hits from this. Somewhere out there there’s two people who are searching for porn involving this-



Almost all toe socks are multicolored or rainbow striped. It's impossible to find normal toe socks because there's no such thing as normal toe socks.

Almost all toe socks are multicolored or rainbow striped. It’s impossible to find normal toe socks because there’s no such thing as normal toe socks.





Two people (at least) with this very specific fetish. Call me a hopeless romantic but I think these two people could possibly be soul mates. I think this could make for a great movie.



Start off with a lonely divorced guy wandering the mall looking for something to fill the void in his heart that his wife left when she took the kids. He stumbles upon some toe socks in a Gadzooks window. He immediately falls in love with them and works up the nerve to go in and buy a pair but the last were just sold to a quirky twentysomething artist that’s using them for a kooky sculpture or something. She gives him a flyer for her art show and heads out.



Frustrated, he crumples up the flyer, shoves it in his pocket and goes home to find pictures of toe socks on the internet to drool over. He eventually finds a pair of toe socks that were worn by Zooey Deschanel that were worn on the set of New Girl up for auction and knows he must have them! He enters a fierce bidding war with somebody but loses it at the last minute.



Eventually he finds the crumpled up flyer for the art gallery show “Fuzzytoes” and decides to go and check it out. There on display he sees the rainbow striped Zooey Deschanel toe socks right in the middle of the gallery. While he admires the prize he lost the artist comes up to him and says “Beautiful, aren’t they? I almost lost the auction. Whoever “SockSlut69″ is he sure wanted to own these. Can’t say I blame him, though. Toe socks are really sexy.”



They lock eyes and kiss. The remaining 45 minutes is just them banging in toe socks. Tastefully, though. This isn’t some gross toe sock porn. It’s an R-rated toe sock fetishist romance film.

Ghetto Shopping

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Hey kids- I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I really don’t want to tell you. But since Bill is on his mini-vacation from the blog, and because it’s a thing that’s happened in the news, I’m going to have to be the one to tell you of this tragic event.

Sears Holdings (parent company of Sears (duh) and K-mart) will be closing 100-120 of its stores due to a large drop in holiday profits.

This is horrible for two reasons. 1) Where are all those poor people going to go for their poor people things? Like clothing that doesn’t fit right and/or is skanky, bulk generic Ramen, or toys that will fall apart the instant they try to play with them? Are we going to see poor people flock to Targets like a perpetual black Friday (not a race joke)? AM I GOING TO HAVE PROBLEMS CUTTING THROUGH THE MASSES OF GHETTO GIRLS TO GET TO THOSE ADORABLE TOE SOCKS WITH THE STRIPES THAT ARE HALF OFF???

Don't come between me and reduced price toe socks.

I might have to mingle with people with less money than I have. I might have to acknowledge their right to shop along side me, as if their socio-economic class meant nothing to who they are as individuals.

No. Fuck that. I’m going to continue with my class warfare. I’m going to fight for my right to feel superior to others based on their income. I’m going to march for my right to look down on others because a person’s financial situation is never affected by outside influences, because people live in vacuums where their hard work is all that contributes to their income, and bad luck never affects anyones standard of living.

I’m going to march those poverty stricken so-n-sos out of my store and into a Wal-Mart. Where they belong.

Oh! The second horrible thing? Sears thought people were still shopping there. I’m pretty sure no one’s set foot in a Sears store in years, and any shoppers there are just the ghosts of old people looking for appliances and socket wrenches.