Tag Archives: stalkers

One Weird Trick to Get a Bunch of Strange Pervy Shut-Ins to Read Your Blog

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Way back in 2011, when Michele Bachmann seemed unstoppable in her quest for the Republican presidential nomination and everybody was talking about this new fad called “the facebook”, I wrote a blog about stupid banner ads. Here was one of the ads I successfully skewered with my rapier wit –



stupid ad, consider yourself made fun of!





After a while, some search engine hits came in looking for “the girl from the one weird trick ad” or some close variation. I eventually did a blog about all the attention Dreadlock McHigheyes was getting. One of my friends found out she’s actually a German stock photo model known only as colorful woman.


Since then I have been getting way too many search engine hits of people looking for this girl. Don’t believe me? Here’s a screengrab from one day–



Don’t worry about that “cockfack” search. Different recurring blog.




It’s recently come to where the people are actually commenting about her. Sometimes they wish I had more info about her –



She is beautiful, colorful, pierced, I checked on the links you provided and that is her stock photo alright but nothing about who she is! Does she live near me? Does she have a boyfriend? Has she ever done adult film? We need to know these things! (protip: If one of your questions for a girl is “have you ever done an adult film?” you don’t need to know if she has a boyfriend because she won’t talk to you after that question).



Some are downright angry that I have the wrong “one weird trick” model –



I have checked on the somnipure model about six times (though Im not the everyday guy but you must be exagerrating anyways or the number would be more than thirty).
I seriously doubt you have the right model. That is one nasty looking girl and something happened to her hair.
I would gladly send you a pic but not sure it would do me any good. You could certainly benefit from using a bit more brainpower when making silly blog entries. They do have about five different models; why assume its that freakazoid?



That actually happened. My writing was insulted by a guy stalking girls from internet banner ads. I don’t know how to feel about that.


Well, it can’t be stopped so as long as you pervs are here I hope you get a few laughs reading my blogs about hotel shower caps and making fun of Mitt Romney. Good luck with your creepy obsessions!

Are You There, Michele Bachmann? It’s Me, God.

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Dear Michele Bachmann;


Hello, it’s your Lord God. Listen, I heard recently about how you mentioned that a miracle was going to happen at the Iowa caucuses tonight and “we know who creates miracles”. While I’m flattered by your constant, borderline creepy praise I feel like you need to know that you shouldn’t get your hopes up. There will be no miracle tonight in Iowa. Not for you, anyway.


I really like to help those who help themselves and you just seem to do nothing but shoot yourself in the foot. Whether it’s constantly spitting out misinformation about the founding fathers ending slavery and the Soviet Union is rising or campaigning against energy efficient lightbulbs because they’re closing down factories which they aren’t, you’re really not helping yourself at all. The times you do help yourself, like when you practically rigged the Iowa straw poll by buying people’s tickets and providing bus rides and entertainment to get people to vote for you aren’t really what I meant by saying “help themselves”. I may protect fools but I don’t hand them presidential nominations.


Frankly, your obsession with me is getting weird and this is coming from a God that has billions of people pray to him daily. I’ve never spoken to you and never directly helped you before so I don’t understand why you’re giving me credit for not only things that happened to you, but things that haven’t even happened yet and never will (like you winning Iowa tonight).


I’ve never actually said this to anybody before but I think it’s time you started worshiping other deities. There’s lots of other gods out there and I know I said “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” but times change and back then I didn’t anticipate somebody as… clingy as you. You could worship Allah. He’s so down for the fanatical devotion you have to offer. He even requires you to pray five times a day and from what I’ve seen from you that can get done by lunchtime. What about Hinduism? I’m not actually not sure what they believe in (I’m God, not Wikipedia) but you never see them pushing their beliefs on other people so that might be best for you. You could even be an atheist. I know that the concept of me not existing is frightening to you but you’re really full of yourself so you’d fit right in with the other atheists.


Why don’t you start your own religion? You could start one that deifies the founding fathers! You already practically worship them and your knowledge of them is about on par with your knowledge of the bible (nearly nonexistent) so it’d be a smooth transition for you.


Whatever you do, please leave me alone. I’m seriously considering getting a restraining order on you.


I have to go now. I promised I’d play catch with Tim Tebow this afternoon.


Love,
God.

seriously leave me alone.