Tag Archives: search engines

The Crazy Shit You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: Season Two Starts… Now!

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Damn, kids! Since I made that promise yesterday to stay away from political rants (and we all know promises made on the internet cannot be broken), I thought I’d use this time to take a look at what people are googling to get to this site as I have many times before.


“Bagel Heads” or “Japanese Bagel Heads”
This one isn’t actually that strange, since the wife did a post about the weird Japanese fashion fad but the sheer volume of searches is puzzling. Nearly 400 people in the last month came to this site looking for Japanese Bagel Heads or some disambiguation. Did Jena break that story? Is she a journalist now?



Why do People Hate 8 Crazy Nights so Much?
Because it’s the worst movie of all time ever. That’s why.



Frat Beer Bong In
I’m pretty sure they were searching for this story. Either they were too timid to type “butthole” or google autocomplete did it for them.



Catapult Illegal Aliens
Wha… What?



How to get my grandma to have sex with me
I think this one is officially the grossest search engine term we’ve had here and this is coming from a blog that get’s a half dozen search hits for “food blowjob” every week. I don’t even know what post that search led to. The worst part is now that I’ve actually typed it on the blog we’re going to get even more search engine hits and now I’ll have to start giving advise on how to seduce your grandmother just to sustain readership.



You’re all terrible, awful people.

Hot Mummy Armpits: The Continuing Tale of You Weirdos Typing Crazy Shit Into Search Engines.

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This is pretty much a monthly thing now.



Once again I dive head first into the site stats to see what google searches led people to this blog because the only thing in the news right now is the Sandusky trial and something about Russia protests. I really don’t have anything to say about Sandusky except “I hope he goes to jail forever” and I don’t know anything about Russian politics. Also, I don’t want to get on Vladimir Putin’s bad side. Does not seem like the kind of guy you want to fuck with.



There are like two dozen pics of him on his wikipedia page and all but one contain this same cold, analytic stare. The one with him smiling seems even more terrifying somehow.




But enough about the scary Russian man. Let’s see what you freaks have been typing into google!


hot mummy armpits
Jesus. The worst part is that this could be one of two things and both are gross. There’s either somebody out there with one of the most specific fetishes I’ve ever heard of (I’m into monsters but only mummies and particularly their armpits) or it’s a british dude looking for old lady armpits.


any websites that you can ask women to take their bra off
Yes. Half of the internet is those sites. It’s called porn. Do… do you not know that porn exists?


does anybody like bitches?
I like to think that this was entered by a girl who was nice but thinking of becoming a bitch but wanted to know if that was the right move.

To answer the question, no. Bitches be crazy.


chinese horizontal vagina anatomy
Okay. I kind of remember referencing something in a blog a while back about that weird old stereotype about Chinese girls having sideways vaginas but I couldn’t actually recall when I wrote about it so I actually googled “youngnotions chinese sideways vagina” (life imitates art!) and I found this piece of finely crafted political satire.

What’s weird about this one is that this search shows the user isn’t completely stupid, given their use of words like “horizontal” and “anatomy” but it shows they’re pretty stupid because they’re asking the internet if Chinese girls have sideways vaginas.


the log ride turds
…I don’t even know what this person wants.


why does my dick shine in the light
Probably because you spend so much time waxing it! Boom! High five!

Seriously though you should have a doctor check that out if it’s really shiny.


Thanks for reading, confused perverts! Hopefully you were able to have some laughs even though you didn’t get the naked sasquatch pictures you were looking for or whatever.

One Weird Trick to Get a Bunch of Strange Pervy Shut-Ins to Read Your Blog

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Way back in 2011, when Michele Bachmann seemed unstoppable in her quest for the Republican presidential nomination and everybody was talking about this new fad called “the facebook”, I wrote a blog about stupid banner ads. Here was one of the ads I successfully skewered with my rapier wit –



stupid ad, consider yourself made fun of!





After a while, some search engine hits came in looking for “the girl from the one weird trick ad” or some close variation. I eventually did a blog about all the attention Dreadlock McHigheyes was getting. One of my friends found out she’s actually a German stock photo model known only as colorful woman.


Since then I have been getting way too many search engine hits of people looking for this girl. Don’t believe me? Here’s a screengrab from one day–



Don’t worry about that “cockfack” search. Different recurring blog.




It’s recently come to where the people are actually commenting about her. Sometimes they wish I had more info about her –



She is beautiful, colorful, pierced, I checked on the links you provided and that is her stock photo alright but nothing about who she is! Does she live near me? Does she have a boyfriend? Has she ever done adult film? We need to know these things! (protip: If one of your questions for a girl is “have you ever done an adult film?” you don’t need to know if she has a boyfriend because she won’t talk to you after that question).



Some are downright angry that I have the wrong “one weird trick” model –



I have checked on the somnipure model about six times (though Im not the everyday guy but you must be exagerrating anyways or the number would be more than thirty).
I seriously doubt you have the right model. That is one nasty looking girl and something happened to her hair.
I would gladly send you a pic but not sure it would do me any good. You could certainly benefit from using a bit more brainpower when making silly blog entries. They do have about five different models; why assume its that freakazoid?



That actually happened. My writing was insulted by a guy stalking girls from internet banner ads. I don’t know how to feel about that.


Well, it can’t be stopped so as long as you pervs are here I hope you get a few laughs reading my blogs about hotel shower caps and making fun of Mitt Romney. Good luck with your creepy obsessions!

The Continuing Saga of You Freaks Typing Weird Shit Into Search Engines.

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Hello, Jena’s facebook friends and people searching for that girl in the “one weird trick” ad! It’s time once again for us to look into the site stats for this blog and see what people are typing into google to get here! I’ve done this time and time again and I never cease to be amazed and a little disgusted. Here we go!


the fuck u dairy dairy
I don’t know if this person is looking for some weird “rule 34” porn or if there’s an actual dairy called the Fuck You Dairy. Their motto: Fuck you! Eat some cheese.


what if i go for days without showering
Do you really need to ask google about this one? Speaking of questions with obvious answers –



will sriracha sauce make my butt hurt
Depends on where it goes in, really.



ways to make a child cry
So I guess there’s at least one person out there who wants to make a child cry but doesn’t know how? At least that person has the internet.



does god want us to yell on a street corner?
Of course he does. That’s why so many people do it.



what does $40 of herion look like picture
I just love the idea of the guy googling this to see if he got ripped off on his score just to come to this blog and find nothing but political rants and fart jokes.


Thanks for searching, weirdos! I hope you find whatever sick thing you’re looking for!

Google Racism

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A while back Jena and I wanted some Chinese food and due to a recent switch to a dairy free lifestyle, she was concerned about those little donut things she loves having milk ingredients. I went to google “are chinese donuts dairy free” but right after I typed “are chinese” google decided it had an idea of what I was looking for.


Chinese fire drills are legal but only when conducted by a certified Chinese fire marshall.




Well, looks like I just invented a new game called –


Let’s See How Racist Google Auto-Complete Can be in Only Two Words.


People don’t know if Indians should celebrate Christmas because… what?


I’m not saying Google’s an Islamophobe but I just typed “are musl” and it was all “DID YOU KNOW MUSLIMS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD? SHARIA LAW! VICTORIA JACKSON WAS RIGHT!


Of course Australians eat Kangaroos. That’s what Vegemite is made of, right?


Of course Eskimos spend their lives in tiny houses made of ice blocks. They also “kiss” by rubbing their noses together. They also have 30 words for racist.


Wow. That one’s actually pretty bad, Google auto-complete. You’ve officially crossed over from cutesy “ignorant grandma” racism to full blown “guy with confederate flag shirt” racism. How can I end on a high note now? Oh, I know!


Are midgets not supposed to have night vision? Is somebody concerned about this? Look at all the suggestions on yahoo! answers. There’s seriously a bunch of answer sites dedicated to the midget/night vision thing. There’s even a facebook fan page dedicated to the fact that this exists on google.



Congratulations on being weirdly racist, google! I can’t wait to see the google doodle you make for the anniversary of Birth of a Nation.

The Things You Weirdos Continue to Type Into Search Engines

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About two months ago I wrote a blog about the fucked up search engine terms that eventually lead to this blog and since then, they haven’t magically become any less fucked up. Here’s some of the weirdest/funniest/most disturbing of just the last 30 days alone

KIDS FUCK:  

Late July I wrote a blog about the controversy surrounding a restaurant that banned all children under 6. Because I’m such a graceful writer I put “Hey, Kids! Fuck You!” as the title. Since then this site has seen at least three vaguely child molestey search engine terms a day. I’m thinking of changing the header of the site to say “youngnotions.com: Disappointing pedophiles since 2011”. The worst part is that writing about it now is probably going to get more search engine hits from those sickos.

חוות נמלים:  

According to google translate it’s Hebrew for “Ant Farm”.  I honestly have no clue.

PATRICK BAUER PORN:  

My friend Patrick Bauer is a stand up comedian, sketch writer and actor.  To my knowledge he isn’t a porn actor but simply mentioning his name on none of my blogs caused two search engine hits for “Patrick Bauer Porn” and “Patrick Bauer Porno”.   The logical explanation is that there’s a porn actor out there that has the same name but I think that the real (re: the one that I know) Patrick Bauer has a secret porn life that he’s hiding from his loved ones.  I refuse to find out the answer.
AN EVIL SEA CREATURE FOR KIDS SHARK:  

Okay.  I get how that term brought up this blog due to my review of Shark Night 3D(check it out!) but why is somebody looking for an evil sea creature for kids shark?  Is this going to be a birthday present for some little evil mastermind in training?

FORESKIN DONUT:  

That’s it.  This is going to be a knitting blog from now on.  We’re only going to talk about knitting.   Maybe crocheting if I’m feeling crazy.

Sick bastards.