Tag Archives: reviews

I Review a Bunch of Movies on Redbox Without Watching Them

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Do you remember Blockbuster video? Are you old enough to actually remember waiting in line for like 15 minutes on a Friday evening to rent a couple of five dollar new releases that you’d probably end up paying ten bucks in late for because you returned them a day late? Blockbuster had America by the nuts in the ’90s and early ’00s so nobody really shed any tears when they filed for bankruptcy in 2010.



They refused to evolve with the industry. They got hurt bad when Netflix and Redbox came around and now with Netflix streaming and Video OnDemand nobody ever needs to go to a Blockbuster store ever again. It’s crazy that video rental stores even exist anymore. It’d be like seeing a Homo Erectus walking around –



Blockbuster, Netflix/Redbox, streaming.





Hell, it’s been at least two years since I’ve even used a Redbox kiosk but you still see them everywhere. I actually saw one at a gas station the other day just to see what it was offering. What I saw could fall into three categories.

1: Actual new releases. Stuff that was in the theater several months ago. There were only a couple of titles in this category.

2. Popular stuff from the last decade labeled “returning to Redbox!” Just a couple of titles here, too.

3. Straight to video shit that I’ve never heard of. This was like 80% of the kiosk’s stock.



Since you’ve probably never heard of these movies either I thought I’d sum up the plot of a few of them for you based on title alone (I did this once before with Shark Night 3D. Check it out!). Here we go!


LOL

“You can change your status, but not your heart.” That was the actual tagline on the poster. Seriously.





Miley Cyrus plays Lola, a teenager that can only speak and understand textspeak due to a head injury suffered while twittering. Demi Moore plays her mother, a speech therapist who has to quit her day job to spend more time with the most challenging patient of her career, her daughter. At first, Lola doesn’t really see what the problem is since all her teenage friends can still understand her perfectly but she eventually agrees to the speech therapy sessions with her mother after she breaks down crying trying to talk to somebody over 35 years old. Emotions run high as the sessions prove difficult and at one point Lola screams “STFU! I H8 U!” and runs away. Wandering through the city she sees a mother and daughter talking to each other about Justin Bieber and she realizes how important communication is. She run back to her mother, hugging her tightly saying “I less than sign three u! I less than sign three u! I love you! I…” Her mother looks at her, tears welling in her eyes. Fade to black.



KNOCK KNOCK 2

I’m honestly surprised the tagline for this isn’t “who’s there?”.





In this sequel, the Knock Knock killer escapes from prison once again to torment victims by locking them in rooms and forcing them to knock on the door and telling every knock knock joke they know. If the deranged lunatic likes their knock knock joke, he sets them free. If not, he knocks on the door until they say “who’s there?” and the answer is a gruesome death.



COUGAR CULT

“These cougars EAT their cubs!” … literally. Like, they actually try to eat them.





Okay it’s actually impossible to make up a plot for this that’s wackier than the actual one so I’m just going to tell you what this movie’s actually about. Three women are cougars in more ways than one! They’re sort of attractive middle aged women who like to have sex with younger guys and also they can turn into literal cougars. Like, the animal. They lure three unsuspecting young guys with great abs to their mansion so they can kill and eat them to become young again.

This movie takes the sad metaphor of older women using younger men to reclaim lost youth and turns it into a sad literal thing that’s supposed to be a horror movie. Seriously. Here’s the trailer.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LKNfQmOdxM&w=560&h=315]



I think the young guys end up defeating them by hiding their control top pantyhose and telling them they dated their daughters a few years ago.


8 Crazy Nights is the Worst Movie Ever.

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After recalling the worst vampire movies I’ve ever seen the other day it got me thinking about the worst movie ever.



Not the worst movie of a certain genre, not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. The worst movie, objectively ever. That movie is Adam Sandler’s “8 Crazy Nights”



Worst pile of shit film ever.





While I’m not a super fan of Adam Sandler I certainly don’t have a mad-on for him. I’ve seen plenty of his films. I’ve liked some and thought others were stupid. This one, however, is the worst movie of all time.



I tried remembering some of the movie but I haven’t seen it in nearly a decade and when I was younger I rarely saw a movie without being completely fucked up so 2002-2005 there are a lot of movies that I have a bit of a hard time remembering. I could watch the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy and it would be a completely new experience for me.



Luckily, 8 Crazy Nights is on Netflix so I’m going to watch it this morning while blogging about it to see if it’s actually as bad as I remember.



1 Minute in: The first sentence of dialogue is a racist Chinese caricature. The second is a 15 second long burp.

3 Minutes: Cartoon Sandler is fucking his car in front of a couple of cops dirty talking it in his “abbie doobie” dumb guy voice

4 minutes: Holy shit as if singing a song about how he drinks because he hates the holidays that start with the opening line “I’m the kind of guy who can’t stand a holiday so I drink ’em away” isn’t bad enough. He farts a visible green cloud of fart gas at a bunch of carolers.

5 minutes: “What if the audience doesn’t pick up on the subtle fact that Sandler’s horrible behavior comes from a place of self loathing?” “We’ll make the chorus of the song ‘I hate love, I hate you, I hate me’. Hopefully the moviegoers will get it.”



I gotta slow down. I vaguely remember there being a bunch of deer laughing so hard they violently shit everywhere and if I keep up at this pace this post will be 2000 words and it’ll take me three hours to watch this pile of garbage.



6 minutes: And here comes the old guy Sandler voice!

7 minutes: Wait a second, a drunk sentenced by a judge to coach youth sports? This is just the plot of The Mighty Ducks!

8 minutes: The narrator laughs at his own joke “Whitey’s so behind the times he thinks Viagra is a large waterfall”. The laugh is forced. So very forced.

10 minutes: Fat kid falls down. Old guy has an epileptic fit. Laughs abound.

11 minutes: Old guy walks through a mall and lists off every store by name, talking about how each one is amazing.

16 minutes: A bunch of men in tuxedos pee their pants for no reason in a musical number.

18 minutes: Oh he’s a dick because his parents died. Some people become Batman when their parents die. Now I’m just mad that this movie isn’t Batman. It could have been Batman.

21 minutes: Old guy gonna clean out some port a potties. This won’t end well.

22 minutes: It doesn’t! Old guy has poop all over him!

23 minutes: Sandler sprays the old guy down with a hose and now he’s frozen in a block of shit ice. Some deer come to help him out and are licking the shit ice to melt it. During the rescue, one of the deer looks at the camera and flashes a big, toothy, shit covered grin. What the fuck didn’t make it into this script?

24 minutes: “If we lose, I’ll eat my own jock strap!” Oh man don’t you know what movie you’re in? You’re totally gonna eat a jock strap.

29 minutes: He’s eating a jockstrap! Well that happened four minutes later than I thought.

31 minutes: During one of the songs that only seem to serve as exposition for people who don’t watch any of the non musical parts of the movie, cut to a bunch of smiling deer, all poop filled mouths.

39 minutes: Man they really think seizures are funny.

43 minutes: No gags for 3 minutes so they have the old guy do the robot for no reason.

45 minutes: Oh no right before the third act when Sandler was making progress he became a jackass again for no reason!

48 minutes: It’s here! I remember this scene! Drunken Sandler breaks into an empty mall and all the store brand logos sing a song to help him! Foot Locker, Panda Express and GNC saves the day!

55 minutes: Okay, the mayor tells a really lame joke at a banquet and everybody goes fucking insane with laughter. Some Russian guy does that Russian dance, a table of kids shoot bright green snot out of their noses, the Chinese stereotype rips his shirt off and bangs his head against the table and yes, the group of deer outside are rolling around laughing and shitting everywhere. Deer + feces = comedy gold.

57 minutes: Sandler gives himself a wedgie in penance.

61 minutes: This is like the third joke about a woman with three boobs. The joke is that she has three boobs. It’s funny.

65 minutes: They simply won’t mention Hanukkah without also mentioning Christmas. It’s like they didn’t even have the balls to just make this a Hanukkah movie.

68 minutes: The guy everybody hates convinces everybody to respect the guy nobody respects with an awful song.

70 minutes: Right before the end they cut to the three tit girl nursing three babies. Old guy has a seziure and the movie is over. Roll credits while a live version of the Hanukkah Song Part 3 plays. I pull the gun out of my mouth, hand trembling, tears streaming down my face.

Ugh. Country Music: The Craigslist Job Postings Continue!

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In my ongoing quest to take my writing skills and translate them into jobs I find on craigslist, I came across this one looking for bloggers! I’m technically a blogger (don’t tell anybody but I’m unlicensed) so let’s see what we can do!



Country Music Blog Writer (Stillwater, MN)

Do you like country music? Do you find yourself following the news and social media of people involved in country music? We are looking for someone to hunt down and scoop all things country music. Must have good writing/blogging skills and must be extremely reliable, professional and able to work on a deadline. Please respond with a writing sample, resume and a little bit about yourself. Part time 2-3 hours a day.

Location: Stillwater, MN
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: per diem
PostingID: 3018956683


Oh, man. This one’s going to be hard for me. It’s common knowledge that I’m an awesome writer but this subject will be challenging because I don’t listen to country music because I hate country music. I can’t stand it. I think it’s terrible.



Shit. I need the money so let’s do this. Since I don’t listen to country music I’ll have to see what’s popular. Upon googling “new country music” I went to CMT’s website and saw all the “hot new artists”. One of which was Kip Moore who has the new hit single… Oh Jesus Christ… “Somethin’ Bout a Truck”.



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YfNFR6gh2E&w=560&h=315]



Reading the comments on the CMT website people are generally pleased with the video. Almost all the comments talk about how trucks are awesome (one lamented that the truck should have been a Ford) and to quote one comment “Glad to see this song doing so well on the charts! If you’ve never had fun in a truck in a cornfield, then you ain’t living, there’s somethin’ bout a truck!”.



Reading the comments on the youtube video (had to go to youtube for the embedable vid) and everybody’s just commenting about how race mixing is destroying the white race but those comments are pretty much on every youtube video so we’ll just ignore that.



Alright. Time to write a review of this video.



Kip Moore scores a home run (or touchdown. Whichever sport country fans like more) with his new video “Somethin’ Bout a Truck”. This song has it all! Trucks, attractive women, beer, cornfields and creeks! While this song certainly could have benefited from having a faithful dog and a show of appreciation to the troops fighting for us overseas, Kip Moore really captures the fun of drinking beer with an attractive woman while sitting in the back of a truck in a rural setting.

My favorite part about the song is it’s timelessness. You could literally have written this song 90 years ago and not have to change a single lyric! That quality is perfect for country music. Showing through song a portrait of an America that has never changed and never will.


Yee haw!

There’s something about that… A certain “je ne sais quoi”

The Best and Worst of the Akumal Comedy Festival.

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Best: Sol Beer.


Sol!




I had never seen Sol beer before going to Mexico. I don’t know if it’s not available in the US or you just can’t find it in the midwest but I soon got to know Sol beer very intimately. I didn’t drink much beer the first few days as beer gives me troubled trousers these days so I mainly stuck to a drink I invented called “Pool Rum”. Here’s how you make a Pool Rum.



1. Grab a bottle of rum.
2. Drink it in a pool.



As the week went on I got a little more courageous with the beer and by the end of the week I was pounding Sol pretty hard with no gut troubles. I’m no scientist but I think that this means that Sol is a tasty magic Mexican beer and they don’t carry it around here because the government is afraid people will learn of it’s healing properties.


Worst: FUD Hot Dogs



FUD





On the third night I picked up some brats, hot dogs and buns for some late night drinkey snacks. We ended up moving to a different rental house the next day and while I remembered to bring the hod dogs and brats, I forgot the buns. That night we were getting into the Sol and pool rum and wanted something to eat but the only food was the brats and dogs. The brats were Johnsonville, a brand that’s everywhere in the states so we knew what we were getting. The dogs were FUD brand.



According to Wikipedia, FUD (pronounced “food”) is an acronym for the Spanish words Fino, Unico y Delicioso (Refined, Unique & Delicious). Looking at it through american eyes you just end up saying “Food” and really over pronouncing the “u” like it’s something you’d find at Ikea. Whatever. It’s pretty hard to fuck up a hot dog, right? We put them in a pan and threw water in to simmer. Festival Comedian and friend Nate Abshire manned the pan while the rest of us got back to drinking.



After a few minutes I looked over to the pan and the hot dogs had swelled to literally three times their size. Their smooth texture had been replaced by a wrinkly one. I asked Nate to describe what it looked like this morning on facebook chat and here’s what he gave me.



“They looked like an uncircumcised penis, riddled with leprosy, slowly becoming engorged with malignant desire.” He’s not wrong.



When they were taken out of the water and off the heat they shrank back down to roughly their original size but the wrinkles and cuts from their hulk out remained. Now they were just withered little things that we had no choice but to eat because we had the drunken munchies and you don’t want to waste food (there’s starving Children in America). They tasted like wet pencil erasers. No amount of hot sauce made them palatable.



The wikipedia article for FUD states that they just struck a deal with a US company to license and distribute the wrinkledick dogs up here. Consider yourself warned.