Tag Archives: pope

Live Every Day As Pope Like It’s Your Last Day As Pope.

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Today (or yesterday. I’m not sure how time zones work in the old country) is/was the last day as Pope for Benedict XVI. After today the man known as Pope Benedict will be humble ol Pope Emeritus –



Time to trade in that gold embroidered silk chair for a gold embroidered silk rocking chair.

Time to trade in that gold embroidered silk chair for a gold embroidered silk rocking chair.





. Here’s a few of the things on his “to-do” list on his last day as pope:



* Finally get those two wisdom teeth extracted while he’s still on the Vatican dental plan

* Ride in the front seat of the popemobile just to see what it’s like up there.

* Take care of the recent Vatican Gay Network scandal because there’s nothing worse than priests having sex with consenting adults.

* Swipe some office supplies: Gold staplers, gold staples, jewel encrusted pens, post it notes.

* Excommunicate a few people.

* Perform exit interview in case he ever wants to reapply for papacy.

* Buy normal size hat.

* Delete all work emails with biographer Paula Broadwell.

* Really just lose his shit and tell God what he thinks right before he leaves.

Pick-a-Pope: The Vatican’s Selection Process of a new Leader

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Pope Benedict recently announced that he’ll be stepping down from his duties, citing that his failing health is preventing him from fulfilling his papal duties. This is the first time in about 600 years that a pope has retired rather than die in office trying to burn all the sick days he’s accrued over his career.



To be fair, he really hasn't been looking good recently.

To be fair, he really hasn’t been looking good recently.





This decision has left the vatican with the task of selecting a new pope. It won’t be easy. Anybody gunning for the job has to complete a series of tasks to prove that he has what it takes. Here’s just a few criteria that is viewed in the Vatican’s Pope selecting process.



* Recite the full name, birthdate and birthplace of Jesus.

* Live in absolute opulence, preach the teachings of Jesus Christ, see nothing contradictory about that.

* Wear a 30 pound hat for 5 hours without collapsing.

* Shit in the woods.

* Re-assign 20 pedophile priests to 20 new parishes while blindfolded.

* Go to church EVERY Sunday.

* Ignore 30 gays in under a minute.

* Correctly answer all questions posed by Joan Osborne in “What if God Was One of Us?”.

* Successfully crank call the Dalai Lama.

* Cut off the head of Pope Benedict, steal his power. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Once he has murdered the previous pope, they incinerate the old pope’s head in the Vatican fireplace and a white smoke comes out the chimney, signaling a new pope has been selected.