Tag Archives: poop

Shit Just Got Real

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Chicago isn’t really a safe town. It has a history of gangs and violence and mafia and ghettos… and now we can add another danger to the list: poop-filled socks.

A 21 year old college student was seated on the train, texting, when this guy throws a sock full of poop at her. She tried to confront him, but he took off at a fast speed and she couldn’t really follow because she had a face full of fecal matter.

Possibly this guy’s fecal matter:

PoopPosse

She didn’t know this guy, she didn’t provoke him. No one knows of any reason why he would have attacked her.

I think it’s obvious.

What? You need me to Sherlock Holmes this one for you? Do a little Dan Brown (which is also what Dan Brown called it when he takes a shit)?

Well, alright. Let’s look at the facts.

  1. Chicago is known for their gangs.
  2. Since I’m white and this suspect is black, I have to assume he’s part of a gang. Hey- don’t look at me like that. I’m not the person who makes up the racism rules. I just follow them.
  3. Gang members are getting classier, putting their names and logos on things. Any idiot can open a CafePress store now and have fancy swag and logos on hoodies. I mean, we did. PS- YoungNotions is now a gang.

Let’s take a look at that picture again:

PoopPosseLogo

 

And there it is. P.P. with little spattery marks surrounding it. Which obviously stands for Poop Posse. This urban youth is a part of a mysterious underground (hopefully in the sewers) gang that throws poop at people.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go accept a detective job on the Chicago police force. If I’m lucky, I’ll get partnered with a young, adorable sidekick whose optimism and spirit keep me going when I’m hardened by years of working against Chicago’s seedy underbelly.

The Crazy Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: The Legend Continues

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Once upon a time there was a boy who started a blog because he quit his job to be a stay at home stepdad / comedian and his wife said “if you’re going to be home all day you’re gonna write comedy every day.” The boy wrote the blog every weekday and soon, due to his tendency to swear excessively and write about weird topics, the blog started getting hits from google searches that were kind of weird. In fact, some were downright disturbing.


The boy started posting about those search engine hits when he got sick of making fun of republican presidential candidates and now we’re here in our 6th installment of The Things You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines



In case you missed out, here’s links to the previous installments –


Shitting While Standing Bad For Health

Foreskin Donut

I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job

the fuck you fuck you dairy

what is the medical term for queef?


and here’s some google search hits from the last 30 days!


south park mr hankey xxx
Okay, it’s bad enough that there’s somebody out there looking for anthropomorphic cartoon turd porn but I got two hits for this one in the same day.

youngnotions.com. Proving rule 34 right on a daily basis.


Hey, speaking of poop –


turd plane comedy
I don’t even know what this person was looking for. A comedy about a plane made out of turds? Jokes about pooping on a plane? In don’t… What?


knitted foreskin
What’s sad about this one is that it’s not even the strangest foreskin related search term that’s led to this site.


god are you there for hindus
I like that it’s not asking “Is God there for Hindus”, it’s asking “god are you there for hindus”. Like the person asking thinks google is god. They’re praying to the internet.


meat goo
I know this one came up because I did a post about pink slime in beef and called it “meat goo” but I’m sure that’s not what this person was looking for. I shudder to think what that person was looking for.


Seriously. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Reverse Montezuma’s Revenge

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I’ve been trying to make sure that I do everything right while here in Mexico. I haven’t introduced any invasive species to the environment, I bought a hat to protect my sensitive Minnesotan from the unforgiving Mexican sun,



I don't care what everybody who has seen me in this hat says. This hat is badass. I love this hat.





and most importantly, I haven’t had any tap water.



Everybody knows about the Montezuma’s Revenge. You drink the water and you poop for a week straight. wikipedia even talks about it so you know it’s real (but he was defeated by the Spanish. Shouldn’t this only affect Spanish people?). There’s plenty of bottled water here and our villas have those big water coolers but I’ve just been playing it safe and only drinking booze. I’m just trying to live healthy down here.



"If my empire shall lay in ruins so shall your boxer shorts!"





There’s just one problem. Not only have I so far successfully avoided the revenge of Montezuma, I haven’t pooped once since I arrived on Sunday evening. That’s two and a half days. It doesn’t add up. I’ve been doing nothing but eating fajitas and Pringles (Pringles are huge down here for some reason. They’re everywhere) and drinking rum and tequila. I even had a few beers (which I’m totally not supposed to do). I’ve considered having a glass of tap water just to get things going.



I think I know what the problem is. When I was a kid my family would go camping one or two weekends in the summer every year. It was a lot of fun but I hated the idea of pooping in an outhouse or the woods so I just wouldn’t. From Friday evening to Sunday afternoon I just made the decision to not poop. After doing this a dozen times it got easier and easier until I didn’t even feel the need to when camping. Like a Pavlovian response. Now that I’m in Mexico I think my guts have gone back into camping mode lockdown.



Granted, there are toilets here. I have a bathroom all to myself in the villa. This shouldn’t be a problem but when I first went to the bathroom this sign was on the wall next to the toilet.



Wait... What?





Wait… after I’m done wiping, I’m supposed to take the toilet paper and…



Oh no. No, no no no.





Oh God no. I know I’m in a different culture but seriously? I can’t just throw poopy paper in a waste basket. I pretty much have three options right now.



1. Just not poop until I’m back in the land of the septic tanks that can handle a little Charmin. Hopefully I won’t explode like the fat guy in Monty Python’s Meaning of Life.
2. Find a toilet somewhere around here that can handle toilet paper. There has to be one, right? This can’t just be something that everybody does down here.
3. Man up and work past my weird poop fear (not gonna happen).



I knew I was going to get homesick down here but I didn’t realize I’d miss my bathroom so much.






*UPDATE*
Just pooped. It was alright.