This weekend while I was making sweet, sweet stand up comedy joke love to the people of German Valley, Il, I got a text from my friend Phoebe. She lives in Los Angeles because she’s a fancy hotshot liberal and was about to perform in a comedy roast for a premature baby. That’s honestly the oddest show I’ve ever heard of and I once performed in the middle of an indoor track during a charity walk. Everybody walked around me while I told jokes.

The roast was being held in the mom’s studio apartment. They were having a party for the baby’s actual due date and decided to roast the kid. Phoebe texted me to ask if I could help her out with some roast jokes. We texted back and forth a little bit so I could get any exploitable info about the kid (any arrests, drug problems, scuzzy ex boyfriends) and her family. The info I had to run with was it was a girl, born a month premature, lives in the studio apartment, mom’s German and dad’s Texan. Here’s the three jokes I came up with.

*Good luck getting a lease in this town if you can’t even do nine months in a womb without getting evicted early. That shows up on your credit report.

*Did you come out early thinking you’d get to live in a place bigger than a womb? How disappointed were you when you came to your new home and realized you still wouldn’t get to stretch out?

*Half German and half Texan? At least if you have any problems in your life there are plenty of minorities to blame. I’d stay away from mentally challenged Jews, though. You might go Manchurian Candidate on them.

I’d say I’m going to Hell for this but calling a premature baby a racist actually falls pretty low on the list of horrible things I’ve said.

Who knows? Maybe a new avenue of comedy has opened up for me. I could be the guy that insults babies for money. I think I’ve finally found my niche.

If you would like to have me insult your baby or any babies you know for a modest fee, please contact me at bill@youngnotions.com .