Tag Archives: pants

Monkey Pants Pick-Up Lines

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Look, this post is going to be a little short. I’ve been sick with stabbing stomach pains, and just woke up from over 12 hours of being asleep. Also, I have a pain in my neck that won’t go away. Also, I got caught up eating my bon-bons and watching my shows.

What? I’m trying to be a good home-maker.

Yesterday, Bill posted about 9/11, so I’m not going to. Everyone else will, and I’d like to provide a little escapism.

And man, have I got a story for you, kids. It seems that 3 guys got arrested the other day for trying to smuggle monkeys out of India in their pants.

It seems they got caught when “Custom officers … spotted a bulge in one man’s underwear.”

  • “Is that a monkey in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”
  • “Hey baby- wanna see my prehensile tail?”
  • “I gotta monkey you can tame right HERE” (gestures at crotch)
  • “Monkeys usually only hang off the largest limb on a tree… wanna see?”
  • “Would you like free admission to my private zoo?”

All joking aside, the poor things are a delicate species and are currently in a deteriorating state… likely to die.

And all that monkey wanted was a banana.

Duluth Testosterone Company

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After having dinner with the family on Thanksgiving Jena and I went to some friends’ house for another dinner. I didn’t complain because they’re cool people and I’m such a pig that I can eat two whole Thanksgiving dinners and still have room for pie. After dinner we all chatted and a couple of friends were talking about the awesome firehose pants they bought from Duluth Trading Company. You may have seen billboards or commercials for them. They sell clothing with names like “ballroom jeans” and long tail shirts that fix “plumbers crack”. Their advertising focuses on one point. This is guy stuff.


It's like Santa and the Bounty Paper Towel guy had a manbaby.




Having never bought anything from Duluth Trading Co. before, my friends started extolling the virtues of the items and handed me a catalog full of burly, barrel chested descriptions of unbreakable flannel and bulletproof boots. Even the women’s scented hand cream is packaged to look like it’s used to fix leaky plumbing.


It's also a hot sauce




While the manly descriptions didn’t fill me with the urge to go out and buy a vest made out of asphalt or whatever, it did make me want to write for the catalog. What a sweet writing gig. I’m going to send a few samples to see if I can get in on the action here.


Man Hatchet


THE MAN HATCHET

Whether you’re taking revenge on the bear that killed your father, chopping down trees for a crude shelter or cutting beef jerky into bite size pieces for your infant son, the Man Hatchet is a must have in every tool belt. The man hatchet comes with a rubberized grip to stay secure in your rough, calloused hands and a stainless steel blade that can cut through anything the forest has to offer. Perfect for father’s day.


Kevlar Underpants


KEVLAR UNDERPANTS

Are you sick of your boxers being torn up by your powerful man-farts? Made from the same stuff law enforcement uses to protect their boys in blue, you can cover your boys in confidence knowing your shorts won’t buckle under the pressure. A layer of coal is wedged inside the fabric to soak up the stink so you don’t have to leave the chili cook-off every time you have to cut one. If you can blow a hole in them, we’ll gladly refund your money and send an official from the Guinness Book of World Records to bestow you with the title of “most powerful fart”.


I really hope I can get the job. I hear they pay you in beaver pelts and raw steaks.