Tag Archives: ninja

Who do I Have to Stealthily Assassinate to Get Some Ninja Training Around Here?

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I guess not enough people in Egypt died today or something because one of the front page stories on CNN was about a guy who lost a bunch of weight.



Don’t get me wrong, it’s very inspiring. The story talks about how this guy was over 300 pounds and had a wake up call when he couldn’t ride a rollercoaster with his kids so he committed to losing over 120 pounds. Stories like that are always inspiring but this one was deceiving in it’s title. The headline read “From 300 pounds to 175-pound ‘ninja'”. When I read that headline I immediately thought “oh man this guy underwent ninja training to slim down? Awesome!” Imagine my disappointment when after reading almost the entire article and the only mention of him being a ninja is a little snippet at the end –



At his job, he’s noticed a change as well. He’s always had to be on his feet all day, but because of his weight, he used to avoid tasks involving standing on ladders and leaning or reaching — he was scared he would fall.
“Now, I’m like a little ninja up there,” he said. “I can reach over, and I don’t care about falling no more.”



This is bullshit! I’m glad the guy was able to make such a positive transformation in his life but CNN has no right in calling him a ninja when his only ninja skill is being able to walk up a step ladder without having to worry about going all Humpty-Dumpty.



He didn’t even do ninja training. He just jogged and worked out at a gym. The gym, however, was a huge part in his transformation because it was a gym specially made for overweight people. The trainers and equipment were personalized for him so he could get the maximum benefit. Personalized workouts and themed fitness programs are becoming more and more popular and that made me wonder if there is an actual ninja fitness program out there? There’s gotta be some sort of Ninja gym out there for fat nerds like me who would love doing that, right?



A quick google search has turned up nothing.



There’s plenty of hits when you enter “ninja fitness” or “ninja gym” but it’s either a fitness program that’s supposed to help you “get ripped like a ninja” or smartphone apps where a ninja avatar just tells you to run a mile or do some pushups or whatever –



YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOU'RE NOT A REAL SENSEI.

YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOU’RE NOT A REAL SENSEI.





These people don’t seem to get it. I don’t want to look like a ninja. I want to fucking be a ninja. I’m sure the training that is involved would get me into shape. Why isn’t there a gym out there that offers these workouts –



Dramatic katana fights in bamboo forests
Not only does it look cool but those extra swings to dramatically slice through the bamboo is probably great for the heart rate.



Jumping from rooftop to rooftop
…okay, that’s just Parkour. There’s plenty of places that offer Parkour.



Throwing stars
Probably not that physically intensive but essential and maybe a good cool down exercise.



How to make a proper ninja smoke bomb
Okay this one doesn’t burn any calories but I need to know how to do this. When I was a kid I bought smoke bombs from a fireworks store and was so excited to get all ninja but when I lit it it just belched out a piss-stream of colored smoke that did nothing to conceal my exit.



Where the hell is that gym? I’ve tried to undergo independent study but the wife won’t participate and I can tell Jared’s heart isn’t in it.
Also the neighbors stare at you when you swordfight a 13 year old in your front yard.

Also the neighbors stare at you when you swordfight a 13 year old in your front yard.

SEXY Halloween Costumes Part 2- Revenge of the 80’s

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Yesterday, we focused on the more sexist and racist and generally offensive costumes. Today, we will focus on the “what the Hell are they thinking?” costumes.

Like the 80’s. The entire decade was pretty much a WTF decade. Sure, I grew up in them, and I loved my childhood. Which is why this attack on my childhood is so painful.

From the books I read:

To my educational programming:

To my cuddly happy cartoons:

To my adventure action figures:

To my goddamned video games:

Note the name “Sexy Red Plumber Costume.” Nintendo is currently my favorite for not allowing them to use the name.

It’s like my entire childhood was molested and forced to star in a shitty porn. And you think your precious Ninja Turtles are safe?

Raphael was rude and decided not to appear in my post.

Oh hey- anyone else notice that the last “costume” isn’t even a costume? Apparently, wearing a tank dress that barely covers your ass is the new thing in “costuming.” Damnit- back in my day, we made costumes out of cardboard boxes and duct tape, and we spent hours painting them to look like actual transformers or lego people. When the hell did we decide that THIS:

become a costume? Or a dress, now that I think about it… I’m kinda contemplating buying them as shirts.

Nerds not your thing? Have a large group? How about a bag of blowpops?

Candy not your thing? You could be breakfast:

Or you could give up all pretense:

Look, I honestly don’t care if you dress as a sexy whatever. It makes you feel pretty? Have at. My complaint isn’t sexy women walking around in next to nothing. I’m kinda for it. My complaint is the lack of creativity and out right costume in many of these costumes. Dressing up slutty just to dress slutty doesn’t really do it for me. It doesn’t say Halloween costume to me. It says “dressing slutty which is a thing I can do any day of the year.” Put a little more effort into your costume. Put a little thought into it. Make me think you use your brain, too. Because brains are sexy as hell.

I was unable to find a sexy brain Halloween costume. Shame. I would buy the hell out of that.