Tag Archives: new years resolutions

Resolution Monday Update

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Okay. We’re five months into the year and I’ve made 11 New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve been able to stick to a few of them completely, I’ve stumbled with a few and a couple I’ve just abandoned all together. It’s been really interesting and challenging to try to pull this off but there’s going to be a little change in my program here. Starting now I’m going to discontinue my weekly updates on the resolutions.



I’m still going to try to pull off these resolutions and if I can think of anything interesting to say about them or have any news on them I’ll certainly post about them but it’s getting hard trying to write about this every week.



Admittedly, posting about this every week has been useful in keeping these resolutions on my mind but I don’t want the content of this site to suffer for it. Sure, there have been some posts I’ve been pretty happy with on this subject and some of them, like my flossing tutorial were pretty popular but for every one of those posts there’s three posts of me just talking about donuts. Complaining about how I want a donut, bragging about how I haven’t had a donut all week or admitting that I ate three donuts in a day (my record is five). Don’t get me wrong, I can easily write up 250 words about my love/hate relationship with donuts every week but it’s going to get old pretty fast.



So that’s it. Until further notice, the weekly resolution updates will be suspended and I’ll just write about them if I can think of something funny. Monday’s posts will now go back to the regular schedule of fake detective novels, drinking stories and swearing at Republicans.



Shit. I really want some donuts now.

FINGERNAILS

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Okay. Resolution Monday time. Let’s talk about nail biting.



When I originally decided to throw this one on my list of new year’s resolutions I figured it would be a slam dunk. It’s honestly not that big of a problem but I thought it would be one that would be easy to solve. After almost five months it turns out I’m having an easier time keeping off booze than I am keeping my fingernails out of my mouth.



It’d be so easy just to give up but I’m going to stick this out. Let’s see what options I have to help tackle this nail biting problem of mine.



HYPNOSIS
Pro: Could help me stop biting my nails through hypnotic suggestion.

Con: Once hypnotist has opened my subconscious for suggestion they can program me to do anything they want. Rob banks for them, assassinate their enemies. I’d be their helpless puppet.



WRAPPING HANDS IN TAPE
Pro: Wouldn’t be able to bite nails due to hands being wrapped in tape. If enough tape was wrapped around hands, could use them as a wrecking ball like some shitty comic book villain.

Con: Would need help going to the bathroom. Also would need help doing anything else in life that requires hands.



SETTING HANDS ON FIRE
Pro: Couldn’t bite nails due to hands constantly being on fire. Save on electricity since every room I’d walk into would already have two small fires burning. Light people’s cigarettes for them. Look incredibly badass.



Cons: I see absolutely no cons to my hands constantly being on fire.



Looks like I might be onto something here. I’ll try this out and get back to you guys if there are any downsides.

Resolution Update: St. Drunkie’s Day

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For the second time this year I took a day off from my no drinking resolution to participate in the grand Irish-American tradition of wearing green, gaudy plastic jewlery and getting completely hammered.



In fact, I’ve developed a bit of a St. Patrick’s routine over the last few years. My dad has taken up the hobby of being a trinket peddler on St. Paddy’s day. A few years back he saw somebody selling stuff out of a shopping cart at the parade and thought “hey, that’d be fun”. Flash forward a few years and he’s expanded his operation so much that he enlists the help of my uncle, sister, brother in law and myself. I help sell some horns n’ beads and then spend the money I earned on overpriced booze.



My first stop was at a little hole in the wall by the start of the parade route. The only beers they had on tap were Budweiser, Miller and Coors so I pay $6 for a plastic cup of Miller lite. First beer I’ve had in over a month and it tastes like water. I thought that maybe it was a problem with the tap so after I finished that I got a Miller Lite in the bottle. Turns out that’s just how it tastes.



The 2nd most popular beer in america tastes like cold peewater

The 2nd most popular beer in america tastes like cold peewater





Later in the day Jena and I went to see an Irish Band play in an Irish bar so I drank some Irish beer for $7 per dixie cup. This is the one day I decide to drink out at a bar. I’m an idiot.



I’ve gone out to drink twice in 2013. After the first time I felt like my head and gut were going to explode and the second time my wallet got violently raped. Not drinking looks easier and easier every time I drink.

New Year’s Resolution Update. FINGERNAILS.

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This is getting ridiculous.



When I made 11 different New Year’s Resolutions and decided to write about them weekly I knew some would be harder than others. In fact, I may have thrown one in there that I knew would be really easy so if I kept faltering on all my other resolutions I could at least say that I had one in the bag and that’s better than nothing.



That resolution was to stop biting my fingernails.



It’s something I do all the time. The tips of my fingernails are gnarled, shredded, ugly things. I haven’t been able to properly pick a dime off a table in years. While it’s annoying and sometimes painful I figured there’s plenty worse habits out there. This one’s pretty harmless, right?



Wrong.



Oh God. According to wikipedia, biting nails can fuck up your teeth, infect your cuticles and also cause you to eat your own poop. Seriously. Nail biting can “transfer pinworms or bacteria buried under the surface of the nail from the anus region to the mouth. When the bitten-off nails are swallowed stomach problems can develop.” Scratch your ass in your sleep, bite your nails, eat your own poop.



I’ve been terrible at keeping up with this resolution, too. I was doing fine in the first week and then out of boredom on a long car trip I found myself chewing on a nail. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I was about halfway done. I’m totally back in the habit now and last week tore off a fingernail so bad it started bleeding.



I need to get better about this. Let’s see what webMD has to offer for tips on stopping this habit –



“Get regular manicures. If you spend the money to keep your nails looking attractive, you’ll be less likely to bite them.” While I do enjoy pampering myself I really don’t have the money to spend on weekly manicures. THANKS, OBAMA.



“Wear gloves or put self-adhesive bandages on the tips of your fingers so your nails won’t be accessible to bite.” If I’m going out in public with band aids over all of my fingertips I’ve got bigger problems than biting my fingernails. Has anybody actually taken this advice? Why not just wear one of those dog cones while you’re at it?

Not only did I stop biting my nails but I stopped licking my nuts as well!

Not only did I stop biting my nails but I stopped licking my nuts as well!





The only useful suggestion I saw was to get a bitter tasting clear nail polish. I had a friend who had a nail biting problem and used that stuff in the past. When he told me about it I was curious about what the stuff tasted like and asked if I could lick one of his fingernails. I couldn’t get the taste of that awful nail polish out of my mouth for hours and my friend still hasn’t got the image of me licking his finger out of his head. Things haven’t really been the same between us since then.



Whatever I do, I need to stop biting my goddamn nails. Then I can finally start going for that Guinness world record.



I'm gonna beat you one of these days, Shridhar.

I’m gonna beat you one of these days, Shridhar.

New Year’s Resolution Update! Work Out!

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It’s Monday so that means we’re going to take a look at one of the many, many New Year’s Resolutions I made this year. Today’s resolution is “working out every day I’m not working my day job!”



My day job is pretty labor intensive but on my days off I pretty much just sit on the couch all day. I’ve never been a very active person but I’m looking to change that now. I can’t really afford any sort of gym membership at this time and it’s a little cold to go for a walk every day but for Christmas Jena got me the perfect gift for indoor exercise. Resistance bands!



Resistance bands are inexpensive, versatile and don’t take up a lot of space in your home. There’s a ton of workouts you can do with them, too! You can do the basic bicep curl –



workout 001



You can do… this one! I’m not sure what it’s called but it’s really hard –



workout 002



This one’s really not on the instruction booklet that came with the package. It just usually ends up like this after a few minutes. I’m sure I’m working a bunch of muscles as I struggle –



workout 003



Okay, this wasn’t supposed to happen. This isn’t a workout anymore. –



workout 005



workout 006
OH GOD HELP!



I never said I was a personal trainer.

New Year’s Resolution Update: Fatty Fatty Fat Fat.

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I’m eating chocolate chips as I write this. I put a bunch in my mouth and let them just sit in there for a while until they get nice and slightly melted and then just chew on the chocolatey, gooey mess. I’m a fat fucking bastard.

Okay. Chocolate chips have been put down. Let’s do this.



One of the resolutions I made in my Resolusplosion this year was to put down the fucking cookies for five goddamn seconds. I haven’t really been doing a good job with that (i.e. today’s chocolate chip breakfast). It’s really easy for me to justify grabbing a gas station donut if I’m going to be cleaning carpets all day and I have no problem grabbing treats at a party. I figure I’m working hard and since I’m not drinking this can be my one little vice but I’m still a big tub of lard.



Some of you remember that I first made a pledge to stop cramming treats in my mouth after I went to jail for a night and my jail bracelet told me I was 269 pounds. Since then I’ve gotten better with my eating habits and brought my weight down to about 240 but I still got plenty of man boob and since I’ve started a labor intensive job my eating habits fell back into old patterns. I haven’t gained any weight but I also haven’t lost any more. There are plenty of sweets to be blamed but the biggest offender for me is the gas station donut –



so tasty.

so tasty.





They’re so tasty, they’re at every gas station and they’re incredibly cheap (every 7th is free at Super America with my Speedy Rewards card and trust me, I’ve had plenty of free donuts). One time I had five donuts in a single day. That’s probably something like 250,000 calories. I haven’t looked it up but it’s probably close.



I hate to do this but I’m going to have to say goodbye to the donuts. No more, even if somebody brings them into the office. I’m already working out all the time but I won’t lose any fat if I keep cramming donuts down my throat.



Goodbye, Super America chocalate filled long johns. So long, Holiday old fashioned donuts that are 2 for $1.29. Farewell, triple chocolate bismark at Kwik Trip. I’ll be sure to wave to you when I’m buying a banana or whatever at the gas station.

New Year’s Resolution Update: Drinking!

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It’s Monday so let’s have a look at one of the umpteen resolutions I made this year and see how I’m doing. Today I’d like to talk about #3 on my list. No alcohol for the year.



I figured this one was going to be a little tough for me. I do enjoy drinking. A lot of my friends enjoy drinking. Stand up comedy usually takes place in a bar and comedians usually get free drinks. While the challenges were numerable this has been one of the easier ones to keep. I went the whole month of January without drinking and I have to say, I could start to feel the health benefits that come with it. I dropped a few pounds, I had more energy and didn’t feel like shit if I didn’t get a lot of sleep. No hangovers and no gut troubles. There are plenty of advantages to not drinking.



Then again, the downside to not drinking is that you don’t get to be drunk so I decided to briefly break my resolution Saturday when I went out to a show and a going away party for a buddy. I had 32 days under my belt, I figured what’s the harm in drinking one night?



There’s lot’s of harm. Just heaping piles of steaming harm.



I woke up Sunday morning after a full 8 1/2 hours of sleep feeling like I just got ran over. I have had hangovers of all sizes before but this was the first time where my muscles ached. My whole body screamed out in pain like I had gone to the gym for the first time in my life and really overdid it.



That’s the thing about booze. You need that tolerance to deal with the negative effects as you get older. I find myself drinking less and less just because the hangovers are hitting me harder and harder and I’m packing weight on easier and easier. If I’m ever at some dive bar in Northeast Minneapolis and see those 65+ year old dudes at the bar just pounding them back I always wonder how they can handle all the booze at that age when I’m having trouble with it at 30 and the answer is they don’t stop drinking. Their tolerance has just been climbing and climbing with them over the years to keep pace with their age. I don’t think I can do that.



I originally thought I’d take monthly breaks from my drinking resolution but now I’m not so sure. Not drinking might just keep me from drinking this year.