Tag Archives: new year resolutions

Resolution Monday: The Quest to Get Rid of These Goddamn Manboobs.

Posted on by
2

Okay. We’re almost five months into my effort to make 11 New Year’s resolutions and I’ve broken all of them at lease once. I knew that was going to happen. My goal was to keep going even if I did break a resolution. So many people give up after one moment of weakness and I was determined to keep trying even if I faltered and I’m proud to say that I’m still trying with all of these resolutions. Some are going better than others but I haven’t given up on any of them.



Except for binge eating junkfood.



I lasted maybe two weeks on this one. I was bagging my lunch every day. I got a bunch of low sugar protein bars to have for breakfast instead of donuts. I ate fruit. Things were looking pretty good and then one day I was running late for work, decided it wasn’t worth my time to make lunch and now it’s nothing but fast food burgers and gas station donuts getting shoved into my gullet.



I keep telling myself shit like “I’m in a hurry” or “Well I worked really hard today so I’ve probably burned the calories in these three donuts already” but my weight is still hovering around 240.

>/br>
This is so stupid. I’ve done this before. I know I can lose weight if I just slow down the flow of constant sugar and fat being constantly pumped into me. Time to take a new approach.



I’m going to write down everything I eat this week into a notebook. Just by consciously thinking of what I’m eating and having a list in front of me showing what I’m eating should help. Maybe I’ll even post the list in next week’s resolution update if it’s not super embarassing.



Alright. Time to eat some fruit for breakfast because that’s completely just as tasty as donuts and SuperAmerica breakfast sandwiches.

New Year Resolution Mondays: The Ghost of Donuts.

Posted on by
Reply

Last week I had pledged to get serious about my resolution for no more sweets, specifically no more donuts. I was all amped up and ready to face the world with a resolve to not stuff my face hole with candy and donuts. Gonna do this!



That day Jena came home from a weekend trip and with her she brought back all the snacks that were not eaten by her and friends. Some pringles, some beef jerky, and a full, unopened box of Double Stuff Oreos –



Why do they even make regular stuff Oreos anymore?

Why do they even make regular stuff Oreos anymore?





Fuck it. I said “Diet starts tomorroowwwww!” and threw some Oreos at my face.



The rest of the week, however was candy and donut free. I went to the grocery store to find an energy bar or something I could munch on throughout the day that wasn’t completely full of sugar, marketed exclusively towards women or both –



The Isofemme bar is full of protein and "sinfully delicious".

The Isofemme bar is full of protein and “sinfully delicious”.




I did end up finding some low sugar energy bars that weren’t called “OvaBars” or “Uterenergy”, had those and some fresh fruit for breakfast every day and am glad to say I haven’t had any donuts. I’ve certainly seen my fair share, though.



Working in a truck all day my bathroom breaks almost always take place in gas stations. Every day I walk by my old friends, the donuts. At one point I just kind of stared longingly at a rack of donuts at Kwik Trip for what felt like a full minute but was hopefully more like ten seconds.



Donuts. Gone but not forgotten.

New Year’s Resolution Update: Flossing.

Posted on by
4

It’s Monday so that means it’s time to take another look at all those New Year’s Resolutions I made and see how I’m doing. Today I’d like to take a look at the 11th resolution that I threw in a week after my original post. Floss every day.



I’ve actually been pretty good with this one. Missed a couple of days here and there over the last four weeks but for the most part I’ve been flossing before I brush every day. This is a big change from my old routine. My old routine was –



1. Buy floss.
2. Use once.
3. Repeat after 6 months.



My first time flossing in a while was a bit of a… bloody experience but now I’m in a groove I can get that minty string all up in my gums without any blood at all. To help out people who are in the same boat I was in a few weeks ago I’ve put together a handy little picture guide to getting back on that flossing horse. Here you go!



Okay, so you haven’t flossed in a while and the last time you did floss you weren’t exactly in a “daily routine”. That’s fine! The important thing is that you’ve decided to make an effort now to have better dental hygine. Now you may be thinking that even when you did floss you may not have been doing it right so don’t worry. I’ll go through step by step the correct way to floss so you can get the best results for your effort!



STEP 1:
Take about 18 inches of dental floss and wrap the ends around your middle fingers until you have about 4-6 inches to work with. Slide the floss between two teeth with a sawing motion.
flossing 002



STEP 2:
Glide the floss up and down between your teeth, making sure to get all the way into the tip of the gums. If you haven’t flossed in a while there may be some slight bleeding but that’s perfectly normal.
flossing 003



STEP 3:
Unwrap a little floss from one hand and wrap up a little in the other to make sure you have a clean piece as you go from tooth to tooth. Don’t worry about the blood. Your gums are probably just a little inflamed from the plaque buildup and as you make flossing a regular part of your daily hygiene you’ll experience no bleeding in the future!
flossing 005



STEP 4
After flossing most of your teeth you may experience bleeding in other orifices. As shown here, blood has filled my sinus cavities and is now spilling out of my tear ducts as it cannot come out of my mouth fast enough.
flossing 007



STEP 5
If this is your first time flossing in a while you may experience some dizzyness from blood loss and even briefly lose consciousness. This is totally normal. Once you have regained consciouness clean yourself up and make sure to floss the next day. It gets easier every time!
flossing 008



Hope this helps!

You Say You Want a Resolution?

Posted on by
1

Well, 2013 is here and as I look on my facebook timeline I see friends either posting about the resolutions they’re making, how they’re not making any resolutions or how they’re sick of people making resolutions because nobody ever sticks to them anyway.



Personally, I like the tradition of making resolutions in the New Year. There’s something downright poetic about casting aside your past mistakes and hitting the reset button, only looking forward. Trying to face whatever comes as a better person.



Of course, poetry gives way to reality when you stop going to the gym after a month, have a cigarette a day later, strangle a craigslist hooker in a dirty motel room etc.



I’ve made plenty of resolutions in my past. I’ve never been able to stick with any of them so several years ago I decided to make a resolution that I could stick with and never make one again. My resolution was that every toast I’d make for the rest of my life would be “kill whitey” and with very rare exception, I’ve stuck to it and haven’t made a resolution ever since.



I miss it, though. Making New Year’s resolutions. Sure, I get to feel like I’m better than everybody else when I hear about how they broke their resolutions but I miss the little bit of excitement and hope you get from simply making them. Even if you can’t see it through you at least tried to better yourself and that has to be worth a little something, right?



This year I have decided to break my last resolution of “no more resolutions” (I’m still going to toast “kill whitey” until the day I die, though) and make resolutions this year. But rather than make one or two I’m going to go all out and make as many resolutions as I can. I’m an incredibly flawed person so there’s plenty of resolving I can do. I figure that if I try the shotgun approach, then a few of them are bound to stick.



In fact, I’ll try my damndest to actually stick to all my resolutions and will update on my 2013 resolutisplosion (first resolution, find a better name for this idea) every Monday here on youngnotions.com . Okay, here’s my resolutions –



1: Work out every day I’m not working my day job. Use all the little home exercise equipment I’ve bought for myself (I spent 25 bucks on ankle weights like 3 years ago and have only used them once).



2: No more sweets. No more cookies. No more Snickers Peanut Butter Squared. No more gas station donuts. No more giant peanut butter sandwiches right before going to bed. No more daring midnight raids of hotel snack machines when on the road (seriously you don’t know shame until the person waiting behind you sighs as you pick out your THIRD item from the vending machine).



3: No alcohol for the entire year (until New Year’s eve).



4: No playing flash games online. Sites like kongregate.com have taken up way too much free time that could have been spent writing, using some of that exercise equipment that’s gathering up dust or hanging out with my wife.



5: Actually meet all my writing deadlines for this website and my sketch comedy stuff.



6: Call my parents more often.



7: Stop biting my fingernails.



8: Leave the room if I’m at home and have to fart or at least excuse myself if I do fart rather than throw my fists up in the air and scream “YEAH!”.



9: Not wait until the internet gets shut off to take care of the Comcast bill.



10: Get more standup comedy work in 2013.



Well I think that should be enough. Check back every Monday to see how I’m doing with my “Resolution X”.



Okay, shit. that name’s even worse than “resolutisplosion”. Whatever. I’ll think of something. Resolutions start tomorrow because I’m hung the fuck over right now. Kill whitey.

New Year’s Resolutions Are Bullshit.

Posted on by
1

Oh shit it’s gonna be 2012 in a couple of days, kids! Come Sunday everybody will be all hungover and talking about all the improvements they’re going to make in their life this year. 2012 is gonna be the year that we’re all going to do it right! According to wikipedia, the five most popular resolutions this year are

*Be financially-savvy.
*Read at least one book per month.
*Eat properly.
*Get enough sleep.
*Keep a journal of awesome moments.

Alright. If the way you’re going to improve your life is by sleeping more you either have no problems or hate putting effort into things and keeping a journal of awesome moments sounds exactly like something a person that is the exact opposite of awesome would do.


New Year’s Resolutions are supposed to be making an actual change in your life for the better, not napping. If you want some actual resolutions here’s some suggestions.


Become addicted to crack. Beat crack addiction.
I feel like if you can overcome crack addiction you can overcome pretty much anything.


Beat up Chuck Norris.
Think about it. He’s 71 years old. I’m pretty sure you can take him by now.

This picture was taken in 1910. That's why it's in black and white. He had to stand like that for ten minutes for the camera to take the picture.




Get a Guinness World Record in something.
Breaking a world record sounds pretty hard but you can probably just make a world record nobody’s thought of yet like “most pencils in nose” or “longest bellybutton” (I actually don’t know how you’d go about making your belly button longer). this guy holds the record for most records set at over 300 and most of them are just stuff like “underwater pogosticking” and “doing front rolls (somersaults) for 12 miles”.


Build a Zepplin
All you need is some helium balloons and a lawn chair. That’s what Larry Walters did. Be careful though. He ended up committing suicide several years later so maybe he saw something up there in the clouds…

I have actually wanted to do this for a long time.




So there you go, people. Do any one of these or, even better, do them all! When your local newspaper reports that “Former crack addict and world record holding balloonist (insert your name here) assaults Martial Arts legend Chuck Norris” you can cut it out and put it in your journal of awesome moments. Have a happy new year.