Who is John McAfee?

Posted on July 17, 2013 by Bill

Usually when somebody thinks of the titles “software developer” or “computer pioneer” this is what they think of –

the mouse-over text for this pic on the Bill Gates wiki is literally “a middle aged caucasian man wearing business attire and glasses”.

People think of nerds. Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, Ken Thompson and Dennis Ritchie. Bespectacled geeks who look like they spend all their time hunched over a monitor. No time for a social life, these guys need to sacrifice their hygiene so we can have all the wonderful technology we enjoy today.

Then there’s John McAfee.

John McAfee was one of the first people to make virus combating software. After working as a programmer and developer for places like NASA and Lockheed, he founded his own antivirus company in 1987. A few weeks ago he made this video.

Huh.

Okay, that was pretty funny. Not sure what the point was but obviously he’s trying to set up some fake Charlie Sheen-esque persona with the whole snorting generic bath salts through a crazy straw surrounded by guns and strippers –

You’d think a millionaire like him could afford name brand bath salts.

I guess he’s trying to juxtapose his actually nebbish personality since he’s a nerdy computer guy, right?

Wrong.

If you want to read some crazy shit just go to the section of his wikipedia entitled “legal troubles. Apparently, after selling off his company he moved to Belize to write books about yoga and bang 17 year olds. The police raided his home on suspicion of drug manufacturing and possession of an unlicensed weapon. He fled the fucking country because he was listed as a person of interest in the shooting death of one of his neighbors. The prime minister of Belize said McAfee was “paranoid. Bonkers, even”. He was caught in Guatemala and faked a heart attack in jail to avoid extradition. Now he’s living in Portland and making youtube videos with strippers.

So why did he make that video? To promote his website which seems to serve three purposes. To post conspiracy theories, give moral support to Edward Snowden and to promote the biography, graphic novel and documentary he’s making about his life. The biography is being written by George Jung. That name might sound familiar to you because he’s the cocaine baron that was the basis for the movie “Blow”.

No big deal. We all have that buddy of ours who’s an international drug lord.

Holy shit, dude. Are all computer pioneers like this? Is Bill Gates sporting a “thug life” tattoo under that sweater vest? Did Steve Jobs fake his death to elude the Yakuza? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ABOUT NERDS ANYMORE.

This Is Not the Petition You’re Looking For

Posted on December 18, 2012 by Jena

I’m a huge fan of the Steven Brust books, and most especially the Vlad Taltos series. Maybe it’s because the series doesn’t neatly fall into fantasy or sci-fi, but plays each genre against the other to create a very full and complicated world. Maybe it’s because he tends to deal in philosophical concepts and character development with witty banter and natural character interaction. Maybe it’s because I love sword fighting and mysteries. Maybe it’s because I grew up with his children as some of my closest friends and devoured his books throughout my childhood. Maybe it’s because I consider Brust a friend, having had long philosophical talks with him (ie- having talked with him for more than 5 minutes) and worked with him at RenFest.

Oh, you think this article has topped out its geek factor at drumming with a sci-fi/fantasy author at a Ren Faire? Buckle up kids- it’s about to get all sorts of geeky up in this post.

Yeah, I know this guy. No big deal.

I bring up the series because in the world where it takes place, there is an Empress, and every citizen of that Empire has a psychic link to the Orb, which the Empress monitors at all times. In one of the books, the protagonist (usually) of the books, who has had a link to this Orb since he was a child, is told that every citizen, due to the nature of the Orb, has the ability to psychically talk to the Empress at any given time. When the main character suggests that this must be a hassle for the Empress, his friend assured him that no, she actually gets very little in direct psychic communication because if the Empress doesn’t find your topic important enough, she simply destroys the sender via the Orb.

It’s like shooting the messenger times a thousand.

In September of 2011, the WhiteHouse.gov website saw the addition of the “We the People” petition section (petitions.whitehouse.gov). Any person can create and post a petition to this site, and if it gets enough virtual signatures, it gets reviewed by the Obama Administration and you are given an answer.

“My administration is committed to creating an unprecedented level of openness in government. We will work together to ensure the public trust and establish a system of transparency, public participation and collaboration. Openness will strengthen our democracy and promote efficiency and efffectiveness in government.”

— President Barack Obama

Our president can be so very adorably idealist at times. I just wanna give him a giant rainbow hug, wrapped in sunshine, and decorated with kittens.

This is the same petition process that, when Obama was re-elected, all 50 states had at least one disgruntled dude file a petition to secede. Which isn’t how that works, even though 7 of these petitions got enough signatures for review. So the Administration will have to review them and give them an answer. The answer will be “no- fuck you. That’s not how you secede, dumbass” but they will get an answer.

Do you know what else will have to be reviewed by the Obama Administration? A petition that just barely got the required number of signatures in which the petitioner asks the President to “secure funding and resources, and begin construction on a Death Star by 2016.”

Honey? Can you pick up a Death Star on your way home from work? We’re out.

The petition goes on to describe how doing so would contribute to job creation and national defense. And honestly, dude makes a valid point. Having an active space program where we put money into research and development does create jobs and can give us a scientific edge compared to other countries, including national defense.

Now, where did I put that NASA funding? Oh, right. Here it is. Just about to fall of the fiscal cliff, resulting in thousands of jobs lost, but successfully cutting millions out of the federal budget.

I’m certain that the Obama Administration is going to review the Death Star petition, and review our economy and the budget, and, once they pick themselves up off the floor from laughing so hard, respond with a well thought out and carefully crafted message. But I really want them to respond with three short but meaningful words:

“IT’S A TRAP!”

SEXY Halloween Costumes Part 2- Revenge of the 80’s

Posted on October 11, 2012 by Jena

Yesterday, we focused on the more sexist and racist and generally offensive costumes. Today, we will focus on the “what the Hell are they thinking?” costumes.

Like the 80’s. The entire decade was pretty much a WTF decade. Sure, I grew up in them, and I loved my childhood. Which is why this attack on my childhood is so painful.

From the books I read:

To my educational programming:

To my cuddly happy cartoons:

To my adventure action figures:

To my goddamned video games:

Note the name “Sexy Red Plumber Costume.” Nintendo is currently my favorite for not allowing them to use the name.

It’s like my entire childhood was molested and forced to star in a shitty porn. And you think your precious Ninja Turtles are safe?

Raphael was rude and decided not to appear in my post.

Oh hey- anyone else notice that the last “costume” isn’t even a costume? Apparently, wearing a tank dress that barely covers your ass is the new thing in “costuming.” Damnit- back in my day, we made costumes out of cardboard boxes and duct tape, and we spent hours painting them to look like actual transformers or lego people. When the hell did we decide that THIS:

become a costume? Or a dress, now that I think about it… I’m kinda contemplating buying them as shirts.

Nerds not your thing? Have a large group? How about a bag of blowpops?

Candy not your thing? You could be breakfast:

Or you could give up all pretense:

Look, I honestly don’t care if you dress as a sexy whatever. It makes you feel pretty? Have at. My complaint isn’t sexy women walking around in next to nothing. I’m kinda for it. My complaint is the lack of creativity and out right costume in many of these costumes. Dressing up slutty just to dress slutty doesn’t really do it for me. It doesn’t say Halloween costume to me. It says “dressing slutty which is a thing I can do any day of the year.” Put a little more effort into your costume. Put a little thought into it. Make me think you use your brain, too. Because brains are sexy as hell.

I was unable to find a sexy brain Halloween costume. Shame. I would buy the hell out of that.

CONvergence Remembered (hazily).

Posted on July 10, 2012 by Bill

Another year of CONvergence is gone and while I’ll miss it terribly, I’m so glad it’s over. Between performing in ten shows and working the Stand Up! Records party room I didn’t get to see much of the convention but I was able to get a lot of the late night experience and here’s a few impressions that I’m left with about the convention and nerds in general.

Nerds are all a bunch of goddamn pervs.

It’s true. Remember the Convergence Cosplay Bingo Board square that just said “Bondage gear that probably has nothing to do with sci-fi fandom”? That one was pretty easy to fill.

Only one person brought the board back to me with coverall. I taped it up to the wall of the party room. Apparently “Waldo” was the hardest one to find. No joke.

Here’s another example. I went to craigslist personals and typed “Con” into the search bar. this is just one of the ads that came up.

CON .. – m4w – 26

Date: 2012-07-09, 9:37AM CDT
Reply to: 9jcds-3127839842@pers.craigslist.org

You attempted to whip me.. I know you couldnt let loose but I forgive you and thank you for the good time
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3127839842

If that ain’t enough, here’s a little ditty from my Friday night wanderings. I was waiting to go to the bathroom by the pool area. This particular bathroom was in a hallway a bit out of the way from the room parties next to the sauna. While I waited an employee or CON volunteer (they were all wearing CON shirts and headsets) rushed past me and shouted into his headset “can we get somebody to lock up the sauna? People keep having sex in there!” So there’s that.

When nerds party, they party like it’s the goddamn end of the world.

Since I had to perform and work the party room and blah blah, most of my partying happened after we closed up shop in the SuR room on Saturday (don’t get me wrong, I did my fair share of drinking while performing and working as well). Saturday night was goddamn madness. People were drinking and dancing like they were about to go to war the next day. I’d love know exactly how much booze was consumed because at our party room alone we handed out 20 cases of PBR Tall Boys and like a case and a half of Schwartzhog Liqueor –

It’s like Jag but better and not just because they sponsored our room and this might show up if they do a search on their product.

Seriously. These people were drinking like they had bionic livers. Vikings fresh off a pillage don’t drink like these people. I’ve been to every type of party you can imagine in my adult life and never did people down alcohol like they did at CONvergence. I tried to keep up and my hangover lasted for two solid days. I may as well have just hit myself over the head repeatedly with the bottles of booze rather than drink it because the end result would have been exactly the same. I drank so much I saw my spirit animal. Either that or a furry that I thought was a spirit guide.

I salute you, fellow nerds.

Everybody is awesome.
Everybody I interacted with was incredibly friendly and helpful. The convention organizers, volunteers, guests of the party room and audience members for the shows were just amazing. I met a lot of new friends and complete strangers came up to me and told me they like the blog (thanks!). The boozing and making fun of pervs is all well and good but this is the reason I’ll keep coming back.

My wife is the most awesome.
Jena Young is the person who got me my first pass to CON (not counting the one time I went briefly for The Scope podcast). She’s the one (along with the also great but less sexy Gus Lynch) who organized and ran the SuR party room. She’s the one who allowed me some time to sneak off from my party room duties for a while and run around. I owe a lot of people for the fun I had last weekend (special thanks to Dan Schlissel for producing the SuR party room and Gus for the HarmCon shows) but Jena made this happen for me and for that she deserves nothing but praise and footrubs.

So that was my CONvergence experience. Feel free to tell me yours in the comments. What did you love/hate/etc.?

See you nerds next year!

The Zombie Apocalypse Approaches.

Posted on June 1, 2012 by Bill

Earlier this week there was a news story about a naked man attacking somebody and eating 80% of their face. Immediately half the people I know shared the story on facebook with the comment “The zombie apocalypse begins!”. Jena showed me the story and said I should blog about it but I decided against it, feeling the story was overdone and the punchline was way too easy.

Later a story broke about some low rent Canadian porn star killing a man, eating parts of him and mailing other parts to places around Canada.

George Romero never warned us that zombies would be dressed as douchebags.

Now there’s a story about a college student in Maryland ate his roommate’s brain and heart.

The girlfriend of the guy from the first story actually said in an interview that she now believes in voodoo because her boyfriend would never do such a thing.

While the CDC has had a zombie prepardness page for some time as a jokey/educational disaster prepardness campaign, they felt that with recent stories they actually had to come out and tell people that zombies aren’t real. Sorry, CDC but all evidence points to the contrary.

With the government obviously unprepared, dealing with the zombie problem will obviously be left to the general populace which means two groups of people are going to come out on top. Nerds and rednecks.

Rednecks have the guns, hunting experience, trucks and general survival skills. Nerds have run the scenario of a zombie apocalypse in their heads countless times. Honestly. If you’re not a nerd, you probably know one. Ask them what they’d do in the event of a zombie apocalypse and they’ll tell you in exhausting detail plans A, B and C. What they’d do with the slow Romero zombies, the fast Dawn of the Dead remake zombies, the 28 Days Later virus zombies. Nerds will tell you where they’d go, who they’d bring, what weapons they’d carry and their long term plan.

With nerds and rednecks being the two main subcultures that would survive the oncoming zombie onslaught a new civilization will form when the dust settles and the outbreak is under control. Expect to see fuel-efficient NASCAR and some of the most nuanced and intelligent writing professional wrestling has ever seen. As much as I’m not looking forward to a war with the undead I have to admit I can’t wait to hear MC Frontalot’s country album.

Frankly, though, I could do without Trucknutz and a confederate flag on the TARDIS.

CONvergence Cosplay Bingo Board Episode 2: Attack of the Cosplay Bingo Board.

Posted on May 21, 2012 by Bill

Last year I went to CONvergence to tell some jokes at some shows, help out with a room party and drink myself into an ulcer (true story!). A week before the convention I came up with the idea of a cosplay bingo board. The rules were simple. See the costume, check the box.

People got “bingo” in fifteen minutes walking around. The name of the game last year was coverall.

A friend printed up a bunch of them and delivered them to the Stand Up! Records party room and we distributed them freely. They were gone within a couple of hours. People seemed to like it.

This year we’re bringing the bingo board back but bigger, bolder and badder (I don’t know what happened there. I just started alliterating)! I’ll actually take some time to make it a little easier on the eyes (i.e. more than just a screengrab of a spreadsheet) and I’m hoping to do multiple versions of the board to make it more like actual bingo. This is where I need your help.

Leave a comment below with an idea for a convergence cosplay bingo board square. We’ll be using some of the squares from last year and I’ll come up with some more on my own but I’m looking to make enough for multiple boards. The only rule here is to not be a dick. I ain’t throwing any “guy who obviously lives with his mom” squares on the board. We want to make something everybody can play and I’d rather not piss anybody off or make them feel bad (except furries. They’re fair game).

With that one rule in mind, be creative! The biggest complaint last year is that the board was too easy to fill so please feel free to do something obscure or a combination (Star Trek character hanging out with Star Wars character).

Let’s get started. I look forward to seeing your comments!

YoungNotions

Tag Archives: nerds