Tag Archives: milk

Saving Lives With Milk

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My body has problems processing casein. And it sucks.

Casein, for those who don’t know, is a milk protein. It doesn’t break down like lactose. It’s not a thing you can just take a tablet for, or cook out of something. It’s the part of milk that makes things gel or solidify. It’s the basic component in cheese.

I miss cheese.

I miss cheese.

It’s also a thing that can be made synthetically (sodium caseinate). This doesn’t make it safe for me. But it DOES mean that it can be put in non-dairy foods, since it’s not made from animal product, and be classified as non-dairy. A lot of non-dairy creamer has sodium caseinate in it, making the dairy-free product behave like a dairy product.

Basically, there’s now dairy in my non-dairy.

The most frustrating part is when I go to a drive-thru and order my burger without cheese, and it invariably comes with cheese. I almost got into a shouting match with the manager of a McDonald’s who tried to brush off my complaint as “being picky.” You spend several hours in pain on the shitter because some oblivious asshole didn’t pay attention to what they were doing, and tell me I’m “being picky.”

It feels like someone is simultaneously stabbing you in the gut and giving you an enema. Disgusting? Yes. Welcome to my life. I’d like to take this moment to remind you all that I also do seductive belly dance and nude modeling.

Who's sexy now?

Who’s sexy now?

Being sexy as shit isn’t my only skill. Many years ago, I was a barista in a coffee shop in the lobby/cafeteria area of a hospital. It sounds depressing, but it was attached to a birthing center, so most of my customers were old people celebrating the birth of their first grandchild with lattes. It was pretty fantastic.

One day, a nurse regular of mine came up to my shop and started talking about how frustrated she was that a patient of hers wasn’t eating. They had her hooked up to feeding tubes, but she was losing weight and nothing could get her to eat. The nurse felt that if they could just get her to put something in her stomach, that her appetite would pick up and she’d start eating again. This patient was apparently a fan of coffee. I reminded her that even decaf coffee had a little caffeine in it, and she said that was fine, she wanted me to make something as heavy as I could that the patient wouldn’t be able to refuse.

No pressure.

I made a decaf raspberry/almond/vanilla mocha breve with whipped cream. A breve is a latte made with half and half instead of milk. I made this one half heavy whipping cream and half half-and-half (so I guess I made it with 3/4ths?) 45 minutes later, the nurse was back for another. The patient loved it and wanted more. The nurse told me I had just helped in saving this girls life.

I named the drink “The Life Saver.” Cause, you know, no big deal.

I like to brag about how I saved a girls life with coffee, but I’m pretty sure even if I hadn’t created “The Life Saver,” the medical team would have come up with something else. I’m not being modest here… I’m no hero.

Unlike Jiang Xiaojuan, who, May of ’08 when the earthquakes hit China, saved 9 baby’s lives with her own breastmilk. This police officer helping with rescue efforts, and when babies showed up with no mothers or mothers who had dried up from lack of nutrition, took off her top and started sharing her bounty.

Which is pretty impressive. But can she make a latte out of it?

Milk.

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I’m on a see-food diet. I see food and then I eat it HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (FART)!


Seriously, though. I’m not the kind of person that monitors what he eats. It may be one of the reasons I’m fat (recent studies at many universities are starting to show a growing link between eating a ton of shitty food and being overweight).


What’s worse is that the food I eat may constantly be making me high.


Jena was installing a computer the other day for some doctor reasearch sciencey person and they got to talking about Jared attending online school and the reasons for that. One of which being his ADD (which I also have the pleasure of having) and anxiety. The doctor then mentioned how she had conducted a study on the link between casein proteins and the exacerbation of inflammatory disorders like IBS, anxiety and ADD. Jena suggested we try going casein free for a month and see what happens since everybody in the house has at least one of those disorders.


This will be a bit tough since casein proteins are found in dairy products. Milk, cheese, most chocolates. Basically all the stuff I love to eat.


I decided to google it a bit to find out more about the whole casein / ADD connection. Turns out, according to a livestrong.com article that “people who lack the enzyme that breaks down proteins like casein are left with an opoid substance in their digestive system. This theoretically can produce an opium-like effect that alters perceptions and behavior and accounts for the spaciness and poor attention in ADHD.”


Wait a second. I’m getting high off of milk? Is it like Requiem For a Dream where I’ll slam a glass of milk, cut to my pupils dilating, my veins expanding, me collapsing on the couch.


I’ve been getting high off milk all these years. My parents, my teachers told me how important it is to drink my milk when I was a kid unaware that they might as well have been telling me how important it is to shoot heroin.


Shit. Am I going to go through withdrawal now? All cold sweats in the bed, looking up and seeing a cow walk across the ceiling turning it’s head 180 degrees?


Whatever. It’s for the best. Nothing but clean, drug milk free living for me for the next month. Thank god there’s no casein protein in beer.