Tag Archives: michele bachmann

Bachmann? More Like Brokemann! Ba-Zing!

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It’s been weeks, glorious weeks since Michele Bachmann limped home from the Iowa primaries defeated. She pledged to focus on her re-election campaign for congress but there’s just one problem. She ain’t got no money.



Maybe you wouldn't be broke if you just would've gone with Lipton instead of your fancy imported tea bags.

Turns out that running for president, even in the primaries, can be pretty spendy and Michele Bachmann still owes $88,000 from running around the country and talking about how Washington is “spending recklessly”. While donations were pouring in for her early on, she only received enough in the fourth quarter to air commercials for her campaign in Iowa one day before the caucuses. Here’s a brief list of some of the items/services she still owes for her campaign run.


$5,000 – Industrial Strength Makeup Remover

$3.50 – Fact Checker

$2,000 – Gay-Away Pray Spray

$1,500 – Phrenology Consultation

$7,000 – Bibles, Constitutions, Duct Tape

$180,000 – Iowa Straw Poll Votes.


With such debt it’s hard to see how she’d be able to properly fund a re-election campaign. If Michele Bachmann’s gone from politics, who will stick up for the rights of lightbulbs?

Are You There, Michele Bachmann? It’s Me, God.

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Dear Michele Bachmann;


Hello, it’s your Lord God. Listen, I heard recently about how you mentioned that a miracle was going to happen at the Iowa caucuses tonight and “we know who creates miracles”. While I’m flattered by your constant, borderline creepy praise I feel like you need to know that you shouldn’t get your hopes up. There will be no miracle tonight in Iowa. Not for you, anyway.


I really like to help those who help themselves and you just seem to do nothing but shoot yourself in the foot. Whether it’s constantly spitting out misinformation about the founding fathers ending slavery and the Soviet Union is rising or campaigning against energy efficient lightbulbs because they’re closing down factories which they aren’t, you’re really not helping yourself at all. The times you do help yourself, like when you practically rigged the Iowa straw poll by buying people’s tickets and providing bus rides and entertainment to get people to vote for you aren’t really what I meant by saying “help themselves”. I may protect fools but I don’t hand them presidential nominations.


Frankly, your obsession with me is getting weird and this is coming from a God that has billions of people pray to him daily. I’ve never spoken to you and never directly helped you before so I don’t understand why you’re giving me credit for not only things that happened to you, but things that haven’t even happened yet and never will (like you winning Iowa tonight).


I’ve never actually said this to anybody before but I think it’s time you started worshiping other deities. There’s lots of other gods out there and I know I said “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” but times change and back then I didn’t anticipate somebody as… clingy as you. You could worship Allah. He’s so down for the fanatical devotion you have to offer. He even requires you to pray five times a day and from what I’ve seen from you that can get done by lunchtime. What about Hinduism? I’m not actually not sure what they believe in (I’m God, not Wikipedia) but you never see them pushing their beliefs on other people so that might be best for you. You could even be an atheist. I know that the concept of me not existing is frightening to you but you’re really full of yourself so you’d fit right in with the other atheists.


Why don’t you start your own religion? You could start one that deifies the founding fathers! You already practically worship them and your knowledge of them is about on par with your knowledge of the bible (nearly nonexistent) so it’d be a smooth transition for you.


Whatever you do, please leave me alone. I’m seriously considering getting a restraining order on you.


I have to go now. I promised I’d play catch with Tim Tebow this afternoon.


Love,
God.

seriously leave me alone.

Does Anybody Even Like This Stupid Lying Bitch?

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So the other day Michele Bachmann said if she were president, we wouldn’t have an American embassy in Iran. The US hasn’t had an embassy in Iran since 1980 but no big surprise there. Between John Wayne, Elvis, the Founding Fathers, first shots fired etc. etc. I think most of the American people have just become used to Bachmann’s constant stream of misinformed bullshit word salad. It’s like every time she has to go in front of a camera or crowd she has an aide punch her in the side of her head as hard as they can. She sounds punch drunk.


To make things even better, she’s now flat out denying that her statement was false. The balls on this woman!


From a statement from her campaign, “Congresswoman Bachmann is a member of the House Select Committee on Intelligence and is fully aware that we do not have an embassy in Iran and have not had one since 1980,” said the statement. “She was agreeing with the actions taken by the British to secure their embassy personnel and was speaking in the hypothetical, that if she was President of the United States and if we had an embassy in Iran, she would have taken the same actions as the British.”


Oh, so that’s what she meant. I guess it’s everybody else’s fault for not reading her goddamned mind.


Whatever. It’s not the first time she’s been a dumb asshole and it won’t be the last. This recent story just made me think… does anybody like her?


I know that most of the people reading this tend to be liberal but is there anybody out there who would honestly vote for Michele Bachmann? I know a few republicans and libertarians and tea partiers but I’ve never had a conversation with anybody who actually likes her.


It’s gotta be tough for the Bachmann supporter (if they exist). Constantly defending her misstatents, gaffes, hiding in bushes to spy on gay rallies, her crazy eyes.

She got crazy eyes. This isn't even a "gotcha" shot. This is like her congressional class photo.




I don’t even want somebody to try to convince me to like her, I just want to find somebody that admits they like her.


Are you out there?