Tag Archives: marriage equality

Gay Marriage: A Slippery Slope

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Minnesota has now had a full day of Gay Marriage and frogs have not rained from the sky. While God has not rained immediate destruction I do need to warn you all that gay marriage is a slippery slope. A slippery slope to what, you ask?



Global thermonuclear destruction.



It’s true. I wrote this piece a few years ago but decided to dig it up and repost it because I feel it’s still relevant as ever, especially with marriage equality gaining traction around the nation.


It starts off innocent enough. The government will eventually cave and gay marriage will be written into the constitution. For the first six months or so humanity will breathe a sigh of relief when no biblical apocalypse arrives when society allows two people of the same sex who love each other to marry. That’s when they come.



Thousands of mountain men from the Appalachians and Ozarks will come streaming down from their shanties demanding their god given right to marry their only true companions in their lonely mountain life. Their pets. The stench of moonshine will envelop Washington D.C. as thousands of grizzled, suspender clad men march in protest. Congress will ironically shout “get off our land!” but their cries shall fall upon deaf ears. Public opinion will sway in favor of the animal betrothed rednecks when networks begin airing hip, cosmopolitan mountain bestiality friendly sitcoms like “Oakie and Whiskers”. Celebratory musket fire will be heard all around the country as Congress amends the Constituion to allow the union.



Seeing the trend and deciding to save time, Congress stipulates in the bill that animals can also marry each other. Dogs begin marrying cats. Cats begin marrying mice. Police stations all around the nation are flooded with domestic dispute reports as hunting instincts are proven stronger than marriage vows. With the police occupied, over 100,000 registered necrophiliacs (source: 2010 U.S. Census) take to the graveyards with shovels and engagement rings.



Martial law is declared as Anarchy rules the streets. High ranking military officers, stressed and frustrated by the lack of support from their wives, petition to marry their nuclear arsenal. Six months later another amendment is passed and every honeymoon hotspot in the world is decimated by accidental triggering of nuclear missles.
This, my friends, is why we must never allow two people of the same gender that love each other to get a piece of paper that says they’re married.



For a list of my sources, please read the Bible.

Senator Branden Petersen!

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I don’t know if you guys saw the news but marriage equality is being signed into law today by Governor Mark Dayton. After the House didn’t fuck it up it was predicted that the bill would pass the senate pretty easily since they have a DFL majority but nobody was completely sure until the votes were cast and they did it.



We won.



My first impulse in writing about this is to just shamelessly gloat about this victory to the opponents of marriage equality. Just rub their noses in it. Maybe make a big satirical post about how I’m turning into a lustful cockmonster and want to marry a horse or whatever but I’m not going to. I’m sure there’s plenty of completely bullshit reasons on why some people want to treat homosexuals as second class citizens but I’m not going to change anybody’s minds by ridiculing them.



Besides, nothing I say could beat the pure, simple awesomeness of Laura Thompson’s now famous photo-



So gay.

So gay.





What I would like to do, however, is acknowledge two Republican State Senators for two very different reasons.



I listened to some of the debates before the vote yesterday and it was pretty much what you’d expect. Democrats going to the mic and shouting “love!”, Republicans going to the mic and shouting “Jesus”. One speech, however, took me by surprise. Senator Dave Senjem, a Republican, went up to the podium and said this (abridged).



We’re going to have same sex marriage. I think of people like Bob and Joe, good friends, good people, happen to be gay. I don’t have to understand everythign there is to know about being gay. But they take care of their house, mow their lawn. got a picture from Marge and Jo today, good friends, have invited me to their wedding. As we go forward, I hope through my life I’ve been able to reach out to people like this and say ‘I may disagree with you, I’ve been polite, I’ve been cordial’ . In a few minutes I’ll decide whether I step across this line or not and we’ll find out.



I heard that speech and thought it was really brave of that man to step outside of his party rhetoric and just look at the people around him. There was more to the speech where he acknowledged that the bill would probably pass with or without his vote and he hoped to go to Marge and Jo’s wedding.



He voted “no”.



He voted no because he knew the bill would pass with or without him so he decided to play it safe politically. Bob and Joe may keep their lawn mowed but nice lawns don’t get a man re-elected. He’ll go to Marge and Jo’s wedding but he’ll make a vote trying to keep it from happening. It was a coward’s vote but what should I expect? All but one Republican voted “no” yesterday. The single Republican who voted “yes”?



Senator Branden “Iron Balls” Petersen.
Not pictured: tree-trunk like arms, size 15 feet, set of titanium testicles.

Not pictured: tree-trunk like arms, size 15 feet, set of titanium testicles.





Senator Branden Petersen is the lone Republican who stood up for Marriage Equality yesterday. No bait-and-switch bullshit like Senjem, this guy said ahead of time that he’d vote “yes” and he voted “yes”.



This badass voted his conscience even though he’s a Republican representing ANOKA COUNTY. That’s Michele Bachmann’s stomping grounds. This was political suicide for him but he couldn’t look himself in the mirror knowing he voted “no”.



There’s a lot of people who are responsible for making today’s bill passage possible. Legislators, Gov. Dayton, Minnesotans United, countless volunteers and donors and all should be congratulated. In my mind, though, Senator Brandon Peterson is today’s MVP.



With honorable mention to Laura Thompson.

Kraft Foods Supports Homoreosexuality

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So Monday the Oreo facebook page posted this picture –



Have you ever taken a butterknife and shaved the creme off of five Oreos to make a “sextuple-stuff?” …me neither.





Two days later, it’s got 221,000 likes, 67,000 shares, 36,000 comments and a whole slew of news stories about all the buzz it’s generated. Some of the stories focus on how people are talking about a boycott in the facebook comments but nothing as of yet has been organized (I checked One Million Moms, the AFA website, basically all the “stick up their ass about gays” organizations).


First off, talk about a boycott all you want but it ain’t gonna work. Product boycotts against gay rights have been nothing but flops recently. Whether it’s girl scout cookies (cookies love the gays!) or the whole JC Penny Ellen DeGeneres thing, it seems like Anti-gay boycotts are just not effective for these bigots.



Good. I’m glad a boycott will most likely affect nothing and I’m glad Oreo did this. Oreo didn’t have to post anything about pride. They’re a cookie. I don’t expect cookies to take any sort of stance on civil rights (except the famously racist Mrs. Fields). They had no dog in this fight.



Seriously. They had no reason to do this other than to show their support for gay rights. Sure, Target made a bunch of Pride shirts and donated them but really they were covering their own asses after throwing money to anti-gay politicians and getting called out for it.



So thank you, Oreo. You’re not only the best packaged cookie out there and the only tasty thing a vegan can eat but now your fake cookie has become a sugary beacon for the gay rights movement. I think you should go one step farther, Oreo. Make the cookie.



Seriously. I would buy that cookie and not just because it has six layers of creme. I would buy that cookie to tell the world “I support marriage equality and also I’m pretty fat!”.



Granted, I’m no cookie architect. I don’t know if such a cookie is even possible. According to your wikipedia page you once made a Triple Stuff Oreo and released it in certain cities but discontinued it after a month. Was it too unstable? Did people go mad when confronted with that high a creme/cookie ratio? Is the middle cookie in the Triple Double Oreo there simply to maintain structural integrity?



I don’t know if you will do it or even if you can but until that day I’ll just dream of a country where everybody is treated equally regardless of sexuality and Oreos can have six layers of rainbow creme.