Tag Archives: marriage

Gay Thoughts

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Kids, we have a problem. I keep having gay thoughts.

I don’t mean sexual things like making out with chicks, slowly stroking her back, taking in the fragrance of her hair while I caress her body, tracing her curves, exploring the beautiful form that is the female body until we start excessively grunting like two lady players on a tennis court.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/j-_5EDVpLXY]

No, I don’t mean that. I’m bisexual, or “part gay,” so it would make sense for me to have those thoughts. I’m SUPPOSED to have those thoughts. Especially when it comes to tennis.

I also don’t mean all these thoughts I’ve been having about gay rights like the ability to get married to the person you love or not getting beaten to death because someone assumes you’re gay. Hell, not even the right to wear a skirt as a dude or, well, I suppose chicks can wear pants now…. how about boxers? They can? Well shit… um… jock straps? I’ll go with jock straps.

This is a real thing.

None of that is a problem because civil liberties and freedom of expression and not having to fear for your life or safety (physical or emotional) because of who you are should be available to everyone as stated in our bill of rights.

I don’t even mean the thoughts I’ve had about how my religion/spirituality views gay sex. Because Jesus said absolutely nothing on the subject, and any other reference to homosexuality in the Bible is either something from a portion of the Bible that says it’s okay to sell your children into slavery, or words that have been mis-translated from concepts such as “child rapist”.

Really, homosexuality in the Bible has way more to do with children than two dudes having sex.

And this whole MN Marriage Amendment… the gay thoughts I’ve been having about that? Doesn’t bother me. As Bill said earlier, if the amendment gets shot down, it doesn’t mean gay people can get married. It will STILL be illegal for two chicks to get hitched and make each other miserable for the rest of their lives. It still won’t affect a church’s ability to deny a couple the ability to get married in their church for whatever reason they deem the couple unfit.

As an aside, here’s a thing I said on Facebook that’s getting passed around and reposted. Please feel free to do the same:

No church is, or ever has been, forced to perform a marriage they did not approve of. Many of my friends have either had to convert to get married in a specific church, or get married outside of their church because their partner was not of that particular denomination.

And honestly, I’m fine with the idea of civil unions in state and marriages in church. but that’s not how we’re set up. We are set up for heterosexuals to get married by the state, but not homosexuals. If it’s the state doing it, and a group of people is denied the right to participate, it becomes a civil issue.

You don’t want your church to marry the gays? Neat. You go ahead an deny them the right to get married in your church. But you don’t get to deny them a civil right. THAT is what separation of church and state means. It means your church can’t tell the state what to do, and the state can’t tell your church to perform a holy union it doesn’t believe in.

No, the gay thoughts I’ve been having are FAR more sinister than that. It’s the OTHER gay thoughts I’ve been having.

For instance, a gay friend of mine has been going through some financial difficulties, and he’s been thinking of ways he could try to supplement his income. But, OMG, with this switch from me being the bread winner to Bill doing so, I’VE BEEN HAVING THE SAME THOUGHTS!

Also, a lesbian friend of mine was having difficulties deciding what to wear the other day, and I think about what I’m going to wear ALL THE TIME!!!

Also also, a friend of mine got into a serious accident recently, and a gay friend of mine was talking about how scary that was, and how his heart really went out to all his loved ones, and wishing for a speedy recovery. AND I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!

Kids, something has to be done about this. Legislation should be passed to keep the gays with their gay thoughts out of my head, to prevent me from being exposed to sin, and to save me from myself. I can’t even think normally without having the same thoughts as gays.

I guess the only way to save myself from these gay thoughts is to just stop thinking at all.

More Like Chick-fil-Gay AMIRITE?

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So The Muppets snubbed Chick-fil-A this week, cancelling a toy sponsorship deal with the fast food chain due to CEO Dan Cathy coming out and saying he’s against gay marriage.



Well, he didn’t say he’s against gay marriage. They rarely do. He said “”We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that…we know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles.”



So the Muppet company severed ties and said they’d donate their payment from Chick-fil-A to GLAAD. Good for them.



Now some people are saying that the Muppets shouldn’t get into political issues but it’s been public knowledge for a while that The Muppets have liberal leanings –



about 50,000 people shared this on George Takei’s facebook page today.





Also, if the Muppets should stay out of social issues, so should a greasy chicken shack.



What really gets me, though is that this is another example of people trying to oppress the gays by saying they “support traditional marriage.” Great. Support traditional marriage all you want. I support traditional marriage. I’m even a part of one! Here’s the difference between how I support traditional marriage and how Dan Cathy supports traditional marriage. I also support gay marriage.



Seriously. You can support both. You don’t have to choose one or the other. When Jena and I applied for a marriage license the guy behind the counter didn’t ask what we thought about gay marriage.



In fact, you don’t even need to support gay marriage. You can think whatever you want about gay marriage just don’t donate a bunch of money trying to make it harder for non-traditional families because in the end that’s all you’re doing. You’re making things harder for people you don’t like. You’re messing with them, bullying them.



So when Dan Cathy says “I support traditional marriage”, what he’s really saying is “I don’t like gay people so I spend a bunch of money making sure they’ll never be truly happy. I think I’m better than them so I make sure that they don’t get the same privileges as me. Gay people have never done anything to me. I’ve never been attacked by a bunch of homosexuals or robbed by a gay street gang. This war I’m helping wage against them is completely unprovoked.”



So thank you, Muppets. Hopefully society will recognize the union of same-sex couples and someday even gay Muppets can get married –



“Back to the lab, beaker! We can test out my new motorized butt-plug!”





Of course I wasn’t referring to Bert and Ernie. They’re just roommates.

I Am So Glad I’m Straight.

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You know what’s awesome? Being heterosexual.



I think one of the best things about being straight is that nobody gives me a hard time for it. Not once in my life has anybody made fun of me for my sexual attraction to women. Nobody hates me because I’m straight. A bunch of drunken hillbilly homosexuals have never beat the shit out of me because they hate straight people. Nobody’s ever belittled me because they’re afraid they might be straight and they can’t deal with that. It’s awesome.



What’s even better about it is that the law is totally on my side. I have never been denied a single right because of the gender of people I like to bang. It’s really awesome! I even married somebody and there’s a bunch of laws set up to give me even more rights and protections because I’m married!



I’m glad those laws are set up, too. I love the woman I married and want to spend the rest of my life with her but that totally isn’t necessary for a marriage to happen. I could hate her guts, never touch her and openly plan to divorce her like two months after the wedding and they’d still let us get married.



It’s not even a religious thing. I could literally wipe my ass with a bible during the wedding ceremony but the state would still file the marriage certificate because we’re a man and a woman.



Anyway, I’m glad those laws are set up. I love my wife and I shudder to think of a world where the government wouldn’t allow me to get married to her. Seriously. Not once during the planning of our wedding did I think “what if we can’t?”. Ugh. That’d be terrible.



We spent a year engaged and nobody ever said we shouldn’t get married because we’re straight. That would have been awful, especially if it was the government saying it.



If the government told me that I couldn’t marry the person I loved, if they told me that I’d never be able to marry the person I loved, I would seriously have no faith or trust in my government. If the people of my state voted on whether or not I get to marry the person I love and they voted that I didn’t, I’d feel like a pariah in my own city.



Whelp, good thing I’m straight and don’t have to worry about any of that bullshit. Can you imagine?



Seriously, though. Fuck you, North Carolina. Fuck your state government, fuck your voters, fuck Governor Bev Perdue and fuck your state bird, The Cardinal.