I was 15 years old the first time I had coffee.

I was working on a project for my 10th grade Social Studies class that was due the next day. It was a group project and worth a lot of points but I was a procrastinator so there I was at 11PM drawing maps on cardboard or whatever the fuck the project was about. Seeing me nodding off at the kitchen table, my dad suggested I get some sleep and finish the project early in the morning. I set my alarm for 5AM.

I woke up to finish the project but was in no condition to work. My dad was already up and reading the newspaper, cup of coffee in hand. Caffeine is a stimulant. I’ve seen all the sitcoms and comic strips about adults that are haggard, unkempt and mumbly until they’ve had their first cup of coffee. I thought that maybe this is just how things work now. Not getting enough sleep and using coffee to perk you up in the morning was part of being an adult. I silently congratulated myself on recognizing this right of passage and poured myself a cup of coffee. It tasted bitter and gross but I choked down three cups.

It worked. I perked right up and finished my project with a half an hour left over before I had to go to school. Unfortunately the project didn’t get turned in until the next day because I spent the next four hours violently shitting everything my body could manage to shit.

I remember hearing my dad from the other side of the bathroom door saying something along the lines of “I, uh, guess I should have told you that coffee can mess with your insides if you’re not used to it.” in a tone that suggested equal amounts concern and amusement. I also vaguely remember shouting something back to him, either “YEAH YOU SHOULD HAVE” or “THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT IS LIKE?” or “THE POOPIES FEEL LIKE POOP KNIVES” but I really can’t recall.

I didn’t touch coffee for years after that. Why would I? Plenty of other caffeinated drinks in the world that taste better and don’t make my colon spasm like it got tazed. Fuck coffee. I was done.

Here we are 14 years later and I’ve just had my 4th cup of coffee for the day. How did this happen?

That beany bastard is a sneaky adversary. It starts off so innocent. Some coffee flavored ice cream gets you into the flavor. Maybe you have a friend who works at a Caribou hook you up with some free drinks. Iced mocha caramel cappuccinos are more candy than coffee. Then one morning you decide to try some of your wife’s coffee instead of going to the store for a Pepsi because it’s quicker and cheaper and goddamn does that taste good! Damn you, Juan Valdez! You’ve finally won!

Juan wins! Juan always wins...

Now I’m just another uptown hipster drinking their oversized, overpriced, foamy cup of liquid crack until they’re twitchy and unintelligible.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIaK3hEJiX0]

People think he was on coke during the interview but that was all the “cuppa coffee” at work.