Today, according to Wikipedia, is Festivus. Festivus was an “actual” holiday made up by the dad of one of the writers for Seinfeld. The actual Festivus and the Seinfeld one are pretty much in name only but let’s not let that stop us from erecting the Festivus pole, airing our grievances and wrestling on the floor. A Festivus for the rest of us but enough about that. Let’s talk about Christmas.
I celebrate Christmas. I really don’t consider myself a Christian (I consider myself a conscientious objector when it comes to religion) but most everybody in my family is Christian and I like presents and cookies so fuck it. Merry Christmas. Or happy holidays. Seasons greetings. Whatever.
It seems like I can’t win with some people on how I wish them a happy whatever (I’ve actually started using “happy whatever” as my holiday greeting). This stupid issue about people being offended over holiday greetings has gone on so long that it’s been satirized in fucking cellphone commercials
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73vcbde8Cb8?rel=0&w=420&h=315]
That was from four years ago and I still see news stories on Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays bullshit.
It really sucked when I worked in customer service. I was always encouraged to say “Happy Holidays” but would always offend a few old people (it’s always fucking old people) because I didn’t wish them a Merry Christmas. Here’s how the end of a typical conversation would go down.
ME: Thanks for calling whatever company I’m working for at the moment and Happy Holidays.
CUST: Happy Holidays? It’s Christmas! You know, you people used to be able to say “Merry Christmas” before you went all PC. Don’t you celebrate Christmas?
ME: Yes I do, sir.
CUST: Then why don’t you say “Merry Christmas”?
ME: Well, I can’t be sure if you celebrate Christmas, sir (I actually had to have a meeting with my manager once because I responded by saying “you could be a Satanist for all I know”. Turns out you don’t get in less trouble if you piss off the customer in a funny way).
It goes both ways, too. I’ve offended non Christians by saying “Merry Christmas”. It’s a fucking zero sum game with you jackasses.
Here’s the deal. When I say “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Holidays”, “Merry Whatever” or “Hanukkah Mattata” (my personal invention. Trying to get it to catch on. Spread the word), I’m just trying to be nice. That’s all it is. Anybody giving whatever kind of holiday greeting is just trying to be nice and the people who are offended are all missing the fucking point. I’m just trying to be nice to you.
It’s alright, though. I’ve come up with a solution and anybody who has watched stand up comedy before knows that comedians always have the best solutions for social issues. The next time I offer any holiday greeting and somebody bitches at me because I didn’t offer their specific holiday greeting, I’m going to hug them.
No words. I’m just going to walk up and hug them super hard. Both arms. Not even the “guy hug” where you pat them on the back while you do it. Full on hug. Just gonna keep on hugging until I get a reaction. Sure, I’ll probably get a few people that shove me off and call me a fag or something but I’m guessing most people will be too thrown off by the surprise hug to react at first. After they realize what’s happening to them they’ll probably start crying. It takes a lot of hurt inside somebody to bristle at a stranger offering a nice greeting and once that all finally comes to the surface there’s gonna be tears. I’ll just hug them harder and say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” or “Hanukkah Mattata” (seriously I think Hanukkah Mattata could work. Please use it as often as possible).
I want you to do this, too. The next time you offer out a holiday greeting to a stranger and they get all pissy with you just hug them. I honestly feel like if everybody does this we can eradicate Holiday Greeting Butthurt in our lifetime. Then we can all get back to celebrating Kwanzaa in peace.