Tag Archives: kim jong-un

Dennis Rodman Visits DPRK.

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Dennis Rodman is in North Korea right now with some members of the Harlem Globetrotters and writers for Vice magazine. There has been speculation that he went to try to negotiate the release of American prisoner Kenneth Bae, he has said that he’s only there to see his good friend Kim and talk basketball. While Vice is keeping most details under wraps until the premier of their new HBO show, the KCNA news agency reported on the whole game. Here’s the whole KCNA news report, unedited for your enjoyment.



September 1st. Pyongyang.



American basketball superstar Dennis Rodman and his basketball friends visited the DPRK for a basketball exhibition at the request of exalted leader, Kim Jong-Un, who’s very smile invokes the laughter of every child in Korea.



The game started with the Harlem Globetrotters playing against the 5 time Olympic Gold Medal winning team the Pyongyang Superbasketballmen, a team handpicked by former glorious leader Kim Jong-Il who now sits at the right side of God in heaven. Each member of the team has been injected with a vial of blood from Kim Jong-Il to maximize their physical potential.



The game was a close one but the decadence of western life showed as the best basketball players America had to offer lost to the Pyongyang Superbasketballmen with the final score being 247-28.



After the game was over and the Globetrotters marched solemnly to their locker room to cry away their shame, Dennis Rodman superstar went to the center of the court with a microphone and asked a favor. He looked directly at the supreme perfect commander and said “Kim, buddy. I’ve been playing basketball for years but I could never dunk. Could you… show me how to dunk?”



The unopposed divine president first waved his hands and shook his head as he is surprisingly modest but the crowd roared in anticipation of seeing the glorious protector’s famous basketball skills. The amazing leader stood up, tore off his breakaway military uniform to reveal a Chicago Bulls jersey and matching shorts. Dennis tossed him the ball and from half court the wonderful ruler leaped as if he weighed nothing. Sailing through the air, the masterful shepherd executed three front flips and two back flips before slamming the ball through the hoop. The glass backboard shattered and all three lightbulbs in the stadium exploded from the sheer energy of the dunk. Still hanging from the rim, his amazing eminence looked down at Rodman and said “I want to make Space Jam with you. I’ll be Michael Jordan and you be Bugs Bunny.” Tears streamed from Rodman’s eyes as he said “I’d be honored”.

The writer for Vice threw his ironic sunglasses to the floor, stepped on them and said “I want to live here forever now. Tell everybody that I’m staying here because I chose to. Do not try to contact me. I love the DPRK!”

Space Jam starring Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman is scheduled to be released October 2013.

Space Jam starring Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman is scheduled to be released October 2013.

What’s Really Going on With North Korea?

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Guys, we really need to talk about how North Korea’s been acting up lately.



I know it can be really easy to poke fun at North Korea. It’s a third world hermit kingdom run by a pudgy 3rd generation madman and the only media they have is hilarious propoganda. I know. I’ve made fun of the DPRK plenty of times myself and they usually just shrug it off but this time it’s different.



Kim Jong Un and top North Korean officials are threatening to launch nukes at pretty much everybody around them. Sure, you expect that sort of bluster on the KCNA news site but it’s actually being reported on real news sites. Have we finally pushed them too far? Has Kim Jong Un finally snapped after seeing all the photoshopped pictures of him with twinkies?



heh. lookit him...

heh. lookit him…





That can’t be it. Internet in North Korea doesn’t support images.



I think I know what the problem is, here. It’s that writer Neil Gaiman is currently beating Kim Jong Un in the Time top 100 poll, isn’t it?



...maybe

…maybe





Recently Neil Gaiman tweeted “If you are bored please vote for me in the @TIME top 100 list & keep me ahead of Kim Jong Un” and his followers have responded in force, pushing him ahead of Kim Jong Un.



Now I get it. It’s one thing to be mocked as a failing dictator but at least you’re recognized. I couldn’t tell you the name of the Prime Minister of Australia is or who’s the chief bartender of Ireland but everybody know’s who Kim Jong Un is. It’s influential. He doesn’t have much but he knows he’s influential. It’s a pride thing.



All of the sudden this Neil Gaiman guy comes in and decides to rain on Kim Jong Un’s parade? Well, I don’t know about you but if I was a crazy dictator I’d start threatening to nuke people, too.



I really think Mr. Gaiman should back off and apologize. If this bullying doesn’t stop North Korea might do something drastic like launch a missile that will fly for like 200 feet and then just sputter out and fall apart.

Cries of 12 Million North Korean Women Heard as Kim Jong-un no Longer Single

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Sorry ladies, this guy’s off the market –



Formerly North Korea’s most eligible bachelor.





Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Glorious Invincible Chairman Leader Commander of the DPRK (official title) has been seen recently out with his new wife, Ri Sol-ju. Here they are at a recent trip to a waterpark which KCNA news reports he built with his own two hands out of love for his people –



“Who needs food when you’ve got waterslides, amirite, loyal subjects? OF COURSE I AM RIGHT CLAP FOR ME”





KCNA, the state run news agency of North Korea, has the full story of their whirlwind romance. Rather than post a link I’ll just reprint the whole story here, unedited.


SUPREME LEADER WED AFTER BEST COURTSHIP
Pyongyang, July 25 (KCNA) — Glorious Commander of the DPRK Kim Jong-un recently wed Ri Sol-ju, unanimously voted to be the most beautiful woman in all of DPRK next to Kim Jong-un in drag. The story of the couple’s romance shall be told as a bedtime story to children and adapted into several succesful films in the future.

The Illustrious Chairman first saw Ri Sol-ju defeat several drug lords in hand to hand combat while she moonlighted as a vigilante. He was immediately smitten with her but her father would not allow her to date unless her older, dour sister could also find a date. After relocating her father and sister to work camps, the Glorious leader took Ri Sol-ju to a diner where they engaged in witty conversation about the quirks of relationships. When Leader Kim Jong-un humbly admitted that no woman has ever faked orgasm when with him Ri Sol-ju proceeded to fake an orgasm to prove he could not tell the difference between a fake and real one. Her fake orgasm was so convincing that everybody in the diner fell unconscious from pure pleasure except the Glorious leader who calmly looked her in the eyes and told her he could totally tell that it was fake.

The Commanding Leader proposed to Ri Sol-ju after winning a ski competition on the dangerous K-12 slope against the mean ski instructor. She accepted and they were soon married. Eyewitnesses report that on the night of their wedding, a beam of light shot from the roof of the royal palace and the Glorious Chairman burst out the roof, his body covered in a fiery aura and his hair much longer and a luminescent blonde, indicating that he had gone Super Saiyan. He dove back down to the bedroom and Ri Sol-ju’s moans of pleasure, much different than the fake ones in the diner, could be hear for miles and caused erections in even the most impotent of old men.

It is rumored she is now with child, the child will be born in exactly 9 months and will leave the womb of his own volition without the help from the mother or a doctor.



Congratulations!