I didn’t get a chance to watch the presidential debate last night but I really didn’t need to. My decision is already made. It’s not like Romney’s going to say anything to win my vote so why watch the debates? They’re not for me.



Besides, if I want to find out how the debate turned out I can just check my facebook newsfeed and let all the partisan hysterics and hastily created memes inform me! Let’s see what facebook had to say about last night’s debate, broken down by political view.

CONSERVATIVE: “Romney won by a million points.”

To hear my republican friends on facebook tell the tale, Obama got his ass handed to him. Romney brought the pain last night as President Obama stood there shaking like the scared little secret muslim socialist he is, unable to defend the last four years or lay out a good plan for the future. The best comment I saw on a right wing circle jerk thread from last night – “You can’t spin this. The mainstream media will attempt to ‘fact check’ Romney tomorrow to mitigate Obama’s lackluster showing, but the verdict is in. To say otherwise is either incompetence or denial.” I love how “fact check” is in quotes, like fact checking is some junk science that has no room in politics.

Whatever. Enjoy your victory, assholes.



LIBERTARIAN: “YOU SHEEP CAN WATCH THESE PUPPETS DEBATE ALL YOU WANT BUT THEY’RE THE SAME PERSON BLAH BLAH TWO PARTY SYSTEM BLAH BLAH RON PAUL.”

Gotham City’s newest villian was once two presidential candidates until a debate went horribly awry…

I’m pretty sure most libertarians and independents are just in it for the smug sense of superiority they feel over democrats and republicans. They’re like the political version of people who say atheists are as annoying as fundamentalist christians. Don’t ask them how we’d actually change such a large, broken system otherwise they’ll just scream “Ron Paul!” and run away.



LIBERAL: OMG ROMNEY SAID HE’S GOING TO KILL SESAME STREET NOOOOOOO!

So less than an hour after the debate these images started filling up my newsfeed –

I don’t even get the reference on this one, honestly.

Apparently last night in the debates Mitt Romney said something about cutting PBS funding and now the democrats are jumping all over it. Now, I’ll admit cutting gov’t funding to PBS to lower the deficit is stupid and inefficient but to have the left jump all over that one thing he said just shows me how much better he did than Obama last night.

Also, when the fuck did all these people suddenly care about PBS? If half the people on facebook jumping to the defense of PBS actually fucking donated to PBS then it wouldn’t need to get part of it’s funding from the government anyway. Republicans would have to find another red herring to blame the debt on and the channel which you probably only use as a babysitter and maybe watch one cool documentary a year on would be safe.



EVERYBODY: “Jim Lehrer is a shitty moderator.”



To hear about it afterwards, Jim Lehrer stammered his way through the entire thing, couldn’t get the candidates to stick to their time or topic, peed himself, cried and hid under the table rocking back and forth in the fetal position for the last 20 minutes.

Man, I can’t wait to see what my facebook friends have to tell me about the next two debates!