A few years ago I was driving back from Iowa with Mitch and Isaac after an awesome stand up show where the audience loved us forever. On I-35 in Iowa there’s a ten mile (at least) stretch where there’s no gas stations. We unfortunately hit that stretch right as we were running out of gas so Mitch shut off the A/C to conserve fuel. It was 90 degrees and sunny that day so it became uncomfortable real fast. Then this happened.

ISAAC: First one to roll down his window is a pussy.
MITCH: I’m not a pussy.
ME: I’m not a pussy.

5 minutes go by. We’re all sweating profusely.

ISAAC: Are you guys chilly?
ME: My nipples are hard.
MITCH: Bill, could you grab my sweater in the back seat? I don’t think I’m wearing enough layers.

5 more minutes. The temperature in the car is well over 100 degrees.

MITCH: Man, we are stupid.
ME: What’s the matter? (girly voice) Are you a little warm?
MITCH: What? No! I’m not a pussy.
ISAAC: It’s okay if you want to roll your window down. We won’t think less of you just because you’re a pussy.
ME: I will.
MITCH: I said I’m not a pussy! I like this! It’s good for the pores!

5 more minutes. No gas station in sight.

ME: Could you turn the heat on? I think I’m catching a cold.
ISAAC: Nice try. You probably want to roll your window down because you’re a pussy.
ME: You’d like that, wouldn’t you? You’d like that cool breeze on your pussy face.

We eventually find a gas station. Nobody has rolled down his window yet. We pull up next to a pump.

ISAAC: First one to open his door is a pussy.

Some more time passes.

ISAAC: So… do any of you need to use the bathroom?
ME: I’m fine. I’m actually going to lay down and take a nap because I’m so comfortable. When one of you pussies gets out of here and goes in to the gas station, could you get me a bowl of soup and a cup of hot cocoa?
MITCH: This is so stupid. Isaac, your knees are sweating.

I look down. My forearms are sweating. We all start laughing. Then we’re silent for a couple of minutes. Eventually –

ISAAC: Alright. (Opens door) I have to go in to –
ME: OH MY GOD YOU’RE SUCH A PUSSY!!!
MITCH: I knew he was the pussy!
ISAAC: Shut up, guys! I just need to go to the bathroom!

There’s more to this story but I passed out for several minutes and was visited by my spirit animal. It was a wolf. It told me to listen to the trees.