Tag Archives: halloween

Aye Aye, Captain!

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So a pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on one shoulder, a sword at his side, and an entire roll of paper towels swathed around his cranium. Everyone looks at him funny, but they are all afraid to ask. Finally the bartender approaches the pirate and says “So, um, Mr Pirate, Sir, I was wondering. I understand the parrot and the sword, but what’s with the paper towels?”

The pirate responds with a growl “Arrrr… there’s a Bounty on me head!”

I have an eye patch on. I’ve had an eye infection for over a month, and it’s not getting better. So, I asked my husband to bring home some eye patches, to keep my eye closed so it can heal properly. As he tossed me the box full of adhesives, he said “Hey- how much were those earrings?”

I said “What?”

He said “A buck an ear!”

I replied “Funny.”

He asked “Hey- what’s your favorite fast food restaurant?”

I said “Aarrrrrby’s?”

He said “That’s funny- I thought it was McDonalds.”

Funny man, my husband. He knows it’s Subway.

YARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, it’s really hard for me to type today, what with only having one eye. The way we see things on a computer screen, we actually look through what’s being displayed. So this not having depth perception is REALLY playing a number on my ability to type.

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean?” the pirate replies, “I’m fine.”
The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“Well,” says the pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them–yarrgh, er, shat–in my eye.”
“So?” replied the bartender, “you don’t lose an eye from that”
Says the pirate, “You do if it’s your first day with a hook for a hand.”

On the plus side, I know what I’m going as for Halloween. A sexy pirate!

Another sexy Halloween costume from yandy.com

Wish I’d had this idea earlier. I have no idea where I’m going to get a Somolian costume this close to Halloween.

SEXY Halloween Costumes Part 2- Revenge of the 80’s

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Yesterday, we focused on the more sexist and racist and generally offensive costumes. Today, we will focus on the “what the Hell are they thinking?” costumes.

Like the 80’s. The entire decade was pretty much a WTF decade. Sure, I grew up in them, and I loved my childhood. Which is why this attack on my childhood is so painful.

From the books I read:

To my educational programming:

To my cuddly happy cartoons:

To my adventure action figures:

To my goddamned video games:

Note the name “Sexy Red Plumber Costume.” Nintendo is currently my favorite for not allowing them to use the name.

It’s like my entire childhood was molested and forced to star in a shitty porn. And you think your precious Ninja Turtles are safe?

Raphael was rude and decided not to appear in my post.

Oh hey- anyone else notice that the last “costume” isn’t even a costume? Apparently, wearing a tank dress that barely covers your ass is the new thing in “costuming.” Damnit- back in my day, we made costumes out of cardboard boxes and duct tape, and we spent hours painting them to look like actual transformers or lego people. When the hell did we decide that THIS:

become a costume? Or a dress, now that I think about it… I’m kinda contemplating buying them as shirts.

Nerds not your thing? Have a large group? How about a bag of blowpops?

Candy not your thing? You could be breakfast:

Or you could give up all pretense:

Look, I honestly don’t care if you dress as a sexy whatever. It makes you feel pretty? Have at. My complaint isn’t sexy women walking around in next to nothing. I’m kinda for it. My complaint is the lack of creativity and out right costume in many of these costumes. Dressing up slutty just to dress slutty doesn’t really do it for me. It doesn’t say Halloween costume to me. It says “dressing slutty which is a thing I can do any day of the year.” Put a little more effort into your costume. Put a little thought into it. Make me think you use your brain, too. Because brains are sexy as hell.

I was unable to find a sexy brain Halloween costume. Shame. I would buy the hell out of that.

Halloween Costumes… SEXY Halloween Costumes! Part 1

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Halloween is right around the corner. And you know what that means?

Time for horribly made, horribly offensive, and horribly wrong sexy Halloween costume shopping!!! Ladies, I did all the footwork this year so you don’t have to. And by footwork, I mean I went to exactly ONE website. One that was posted to my Facebook feed by alert reader Seth. Actually, I’m not sure he reads this blog. And he can be kind of distracted sometimes, but overall, I guess he’s pretty alert…

So, because fairly alert maybe reader Seth posted this one website, I spent over an hour perusing the site, and gathering only the best of the worst of what www.yandy.com had to offer. I should add that I’ve not only posted the pictures, but they all link back to their purchase page. Also, if you hover over the pictures, you get the awful names for each outfit (“Deluxe Combat Camo Chick” will totally kick your ass unless she chips a nail first).

You’re welcome.

So, the above starts us off with the standard “sexy occupation” costumes. There were far more than the above, way more than I could post here. I actually had many more tabs open with many more occupations, but then my internet browser crashed and I had to restart my computer. That is a true story- there were so many. There were also a lot of “sexy school girls”:

In fact, there’s an entire section of them. I understand the appeal… It’s a pretty easy costume to pull off, and it’s pretty much guarenteed to get you laid if you so choose. In fact, I’ve done it before. It’s how I got to know my BabyDaddy. Show up to a cast party for RenFest in a schoolgirl outfit, and return the following year with a 2 month old infant.

Speaking of RenFest, we could redo the Renaissance Festival in “sexy Renaissance” costumes…

…especially those belly dancing gypsies…

…but quite frankly, our costumes are already pretty damn sexy, and WAY better put together. Also, I’m not entirely sure anyone would notice the difference.

Speaking of, did you know that Gypsy is actually a derogatory term for the Romani people? It’s true! So not only were those above costumes slutty, but they were also racist. LEt’s marginalize women AND stereotype minorities at the same time!!! And… GO!

1) I would have put the Maid costume here as well, since usually they’re listed as “French Maid”, but they didn’t do so on here. You get a pass this time, Yandy.
2) Naughty Vodka Geisha Girl? Are you kidding me? SAKE, for crying out loud. If you’re going to do it, at least stick with the same country, assholes.

Religion also get touched on frequently, but I was surprised that Yandy didn’t have any sexy nuns. I was not surprised, but still disappointed, that they didn’t have any sexy Rabbis. However, I do feel the need to point out one particular “sexy religion” costume:

Yes, the witch is a religious figure. I know, I’m a Christian, and therefore I’m supposed to find anything not Christian as Devil Worship. Well, let me break another stereotype for you… I don’t. In fact, some of my best friends are Wiccan. It’s a lovely set of beliefs, many of which (not witch) revolve around nature. In fact, their calendar is based off of the sun, moon, stars.. and their positions in the sky.

Samhain, on October 31st, is the Gaelic Pagan festival celebrating the summer’s end. Halloween, or All Hallow’s Eve, is commonly thought to have its roots in Samhain. Thus why the sexy witch is such a common Halloween costume. But let me dis-spell this stereotype right now: some witches are sexy. And some witches are not.

But mostly, they’re sexy. I mean, look at them:

God DAMN! Look at those witches! They be smokin’!

Gotta get me some candy. Witches love candy!

How to Make a Child Cry

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In yesterday’s blog I mentioned the various tortures I endured in my three days of working at Spookyworld. One of which was being punched in the balls by a ten year old kid. I wanted to put my tale of sweet revenge into the post but it ended up being a little too long so I thought I’d save the story for today. Here you go!


After an hour of working in the clown maze (read yesterday’s post to catch up) I was getting pretty tired of customers touching me. It was mostly pretty benign with the exception of a shin kick from a drunk chick. I stood motionless waiting for the next group to walk by so I could do my thing and hope to not get touched when a man and his son (probably about 10 years old) walked in. I waited for them to get right in front of me and I jumped down off my pedestal and yelled at them. The kid jumped back, laughed and punched me square in the nuts. I immediately dropped down to my knees and gasped. The dad grabbed his son by the hand and said “alright, let’s keep going.”


Fucking what? This guy’s kid punched a stranger in the balls and no apology? How much did he think we were making because 6-fucking-dollars an hour is not enough for this kind of treatment. I struggled to my feet and decided this little shit needed to be taught some respect.


I didn’t touch him. I couldn’t. The biggest thing that was drilled in our heads by management is that we cannot lay our hands on the customers and now I knew it was emphasized so much because we’d want to. So I didn’t touch him, I followed him.


The museum was at the very beginning of the maze so that left me with ten minutes of intense eye contact and breathing behind his ear. The only time I left his side during the entire maze was to disappear behind him in a hidden door backstage to reappear in front of him. I was inescapable. Everywhere but always by his side, staring right at him. At first he laughed and punched my big rubber nose. I didn’t break eye contact. His laughter grew quieter and quieter as the maze went on and on and I stayed right beside him, staring at him. His dad chuckled and said “looks like you made a new friend”. Wrong, pops. He just made his worst fucking enemy.


They walked out of the maze and I walked out with them, my face mere inches away from the now terrified face of that little cock puncher. There was no laughter now. Only the tugging of his dad’s pants leg and a whimpering plea of wanting to go home. For a minute the dad stopped to watch an animatronic skeleton sing “Living La Vida Loca” while I just loomed over his child. The dad noticed I was still there, laughed, tapped me on the shoulder and said “shouldn’t you get back to work?”


I stood back up, looked at him silently and stooped back down to stare at the kid.


The kid was crying at this point. Tears streamed down his face as he blubbered “I wanna go home I wanna go home dad!” The dad sighed and started toward the parking lot with the kid. I followed. The dad tried to reassure the kid that this was all fake and I was just a guy in a costume but the kid started yelling “I punched him and now he’s gonna get me! He’s gonna get me!” I stopped at the beginning of the parking lot but still stared at the kid as he clung to his dad screaming “NOOOOO!” over and over again at the top of his lungs.


In the three days that I worked Spookyworld this was the only time that I felt a sense of pride about my job. I accomplished something that night. That guy paid $15 to have his kid scared and now that kid’s going to have an irrational fear of clowns his entire life. He may never step in a haunted house ever again because of what I did. I hope that kid had to go to therapy because of me.


I turned away from the parking lot only when the tail lights of their car were no longer visible. About a dozen people were staring right at me. I didn’t even think about it at the time but if one of the actors is terrorizing a shrieking child all the way to the parking lot, there may be a few spectators. I took off my mask, bowed at the crowd and walked back into the maze. I had another hour of humiliation scheduled for the night but I fucking owned that moment.

Tales From the Cryptically Embarrassing Acting Resume

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Happy Hollow-scream, boys and Ghouls! Since to-fright is a time in which all things ghastly are celebrated, I thought I’d share a little horror story of my own. It’s a tale of gravely low pay, ghoulish customers and the grisly death of my dignity. Gather around, children and let me tell you the chilling tale of…


THE TIME I WORKED AT A HAUNTED HOUSE.



It all started in the acting class of my first and only semester of community college. The teacher suggested we peruse the want ads in the newspaper (this was 2001, people. Only nerds knew about craigslist then) for work in haunted houses. She cited it as “paid acting experience”. I saw an ad for Spookyworld (now defunct) in Shakopee, MN. After a quick phone interview consisting of “have you ever worked in a haunted house before” and “why do you want to work here” answered by “no” and “my acting teacher said it’s be good experience” (pretty sure I heard some laughter stifled on the other end of the line) I was told that pay was $6 an hour for a four hour night and to come on out to orientation on Monday.


I showed up to orientation with a couple dozen other “actors”. The talent manager showed us the three main attractions. A standard haunted house, a 3-D “clown maze” (the maze was brightly lit and painted red and blue. People would come in wearing those 3-D paper glasses and the three dimensional space would jump out at them… in 3-D!) and a haunted hayride. We were told that we would be assigned to a different attraction every night to keep things fun and under no circumstances were we to touch a customer no matter what they did. I lasted three nights.


NIGHT ONE:
I started out in the standard haunted house. I showed up wearing all black as requested and they threw a monster mask and some gloves on me. After popping my head out of collapsable wall panels and narrowly avoiding punches to the face (not that I was quick, the guys who took swings were just usually drunk off their asses) for a few hours a supervisor put me in the “rattle cage”. A dark room with a cage up against one of the walls so you have to walk around it to get to the exit. I was inside the cage waiting for people to walk up to the front so I could run at it and rattle the loose bars. Every two minutes I would have to run up to the cage and shake it with all my might. By 9 PM I was just laying on the floor and weakly kicking at the cage. One guy spit on me.


NIGHT TWO:
Still sore as hell from the rattle cage workout, I was thrown into the 3-D clown maze for night two. My specific role was as a statue in the “clown museum”. I was put in a super baggy clown outfit and placed in a hallway with three clown statues and an empty space. My job was to stand perfectly still in a menacing pose as people walked in. Once they got up to me I’d move and freak them out. I don’t know if it was the clown outfit or the fact that I was the only “actor” in the room but customers just manhandled me like crazy. I was shoved, slapped, shin kicked and one girl made out with me (clown fetish?). I fucking snapped, though when some kid punched me in the balls (come back tomorrow for the full story on my sweet, sweet revenge).


NIGHT THREE:
Beaten and bruised, I was looking forward to working the haunted hayride. The customers only came by every five minutes and I’d jump out from behind a bail of hay far from their reach. As I walked up to the supervisor he handed me a harness and told me I’d be working the barn that night as the flying ghost.

This actually sounded kind of cool. About halfway through the hayride the tractor goes through a big barn open on both sides. The tractor would stop for a minute inside the barn and I’d jump out and fly over them and scream. Pretty sweet. Kind of tricky, though as the “flight” was made possible by me pushing off of the catwalk and zipping to the other side of the bar hanging from a rope hooked up to a wheel on a track. The wheel would “catch” on the other side and swing me up a bit so my momentum would wheel me back. I didn’t want to push off too hard or I’d fly past the customers too quickly. If I pushed off too slow, there wouldn’t be enough momentum to carry me back to the catwalk and I’d just hang in the middle of the barn like a haunted piñata.

So there I am hanging in the middle of the barn like a haunted piñata over 20 laughing customers.  One of them stole one of my shoe right before the tractor started up again.  After a guy dressed up as a werewolf pushed me back to the catwalk with a rake I took off my harness and hopped back to the entrance.


The next week I told the acting class about my experience (I was the only one in the class who worked a haunted house).  Afterwards I asked the teacher if I’d still be eligible for part of the extra credit even though I quit.  That’s when she told me she never said anything about extra credit.