Tag Archives: gay

Gay Thoughts

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Kids, we have a problem. I keep having gay thoughts.

I don’t mean sexual things like making out with chicks, slowly stroking her back, taking in the fragrance of her hair while I caress her body, tracing her curves, exploring the beautiful form that is the female body until we start excessively grunting like two lady players on a tennis court.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/j-_5EDVpLXY]

No, I don’t mean that. I’m bisexual, or “part gay,” so it would make sense for me to have those thoughts. I’m SUPPOSED to have those thoughts. Especially when it comes to tennis.

I also don’t mean all these thoughts I’ve been having about gay rights like the ability to get married to the person you love or not getting beaten to death because someone assumes you’re gay. Hell, not even the right to wear a skirt as a dude or, well, I suppose chicks can wear pants now…. how about boxers? They can? Well shit… um… jock straps? I’ll go with jock straps.

This is a real thing.

None of that is a problem because civil liberties and freedom of expression and not having to fear for your life or safety (physical or emotional) because of who you are should be available to everyone as stated in our bill of rights.

I don’t even mean the thoughts I’ve had about how my religion/spirituality views gay sex. Because Jesus said absolutely nothing on the subject, and any other reference to homosexuality in the Bible is either something from a portion of the Bible that says it’s okay to sell your children into slavery, or words that have been mis-translated from concepts such as “child rapist”.

Really, homosexuality in the Bible has way more to do with children than two dudes having sex.

And this whole MN Marriage Amendment… the gay thoughts I’ve been having about that? Doesn’t bother me. As Bill said earlier, if the amendment gets shot down, it doesn’t mean gay people can get married. It will STILL be illegal for two chicks to get hitched and make each other miserable for the rest of their lives. It still won’t affect a church’s ability to deny a couple the ability to get married in their church for whatever reason they deem the couple unfit.

As an aside, here’s a thing I said on Facebook that’s getting passed around and reposted. Please feel free to do the same:

No church is, or ever has been, forced to perform a marriage they did not approve of. Many of my friends have either had to convert to get married in a specific church, or get married outside of their church because their partner was not of that particular denomination.

And honestly, I’m fine with the idea of civil unions in state and marriages in church. but that’s not how we’re set up. We are set up for heterosexuals to get married by the state, but not homosexuals. If it’s the state doing it, and a group of people is denied the right to participate, it becomes a civil issue.

You don’t want your church to marry the gays? Neat. You go ahead an deny them the right to get married in your church. But you don’t get to deny them a civil right. THAT is what separation of church and state means. It means your church can’t tell the state what to do, and the state can’t tell your church to perform a holy union it doesn’t believe in.

No, the gay thoughts I’ve been having are FAR more sinister than that. It’s the OTHER gay thoughts I’ve been having.

For instance, a gay friend of mine has been going through some financial difficulties, and he’s been thinking of ways he could try to supplement his income. But, OMG, with this switch from me being the bread winner to Bill doing so, I’VE BEEN HAVING THE SAME THOUGHTS!

Also, a lesbian friend of mine was having difficulties deciding what to wear the other day, and I think about what I’m going to wear ALL THE TIME!!!

Also also, a friend of mine got into a serious accident recently, and a gay friend of mine was talking about how scary that was, and how his heart really went out to all his loved ones, and wishing for a speedy recovery. AND I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!

Kids, something has to be done about this. Legislation should be passed to keep the gays with their gay thoughts out of my head, to prevent me from being exposed to sin, and to save me from myself. I can’t even think normally without having the same thoughts as gays.

I guess the only way to save myself from these gay thoughts is to just stop thinking at all.

Brokeback Iceberg

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Buddy was a bachelor. He had been all his life. He felt out of place living in a society that told him that a man and a woman are supposed to mate for life and have children. He pushed others away, always with the crowd but in solitude. It wasn’t until a trip to Toronto that he met Pedro that he felt like he could even connect with anybody.



Nearly 10 years younger than Buddy, Pedro was a bit naive but had a lust for life that drew Buddy in and kept him captivated. They hit it off right away, discovering they shared passions for things like swimming and sushi. They started doing everything together. Their bond grew and eventually they spent the night together.



Ever since then they spent every night together. People could tell immediately that they were a couple the way they made braying sounds, defended their territory and made a nest together. They were a pair of gay African penguins and they didn’t care who knew.

"Let them judge us, I don't care! Also, SQUACK!"




While one would think that this union wouldn’t be frowned upon in gay friendly Canada, the Toronto Zoo has recently decided to seperate them so they can breed with females. Unfortunately, African penguins are an endangered species and they have a responsibility to keep their race alive.


This is unconscionable. The Toronto Zoo is interfering with true love and while The Center for Functional and Evolutionary Biology reported that penguins exhibit same sex pair bonding when there’s a shortage of females but will mate when females are present, the commentors on the articles about Pedro and Buddy put out a much more compelling argument.

“They should just leave them together – this is like forced marriage..­. They are happy, don’t disrupt their happiness.” – Eddyfrankjack on The Huffington Post.

“hope they use those sharp beaks of theirs and bite off something from the zookeepers. It would be well deserved, that’s what I would do if someone tried to separate me from my true love.” C.L. on The Daily Mail.

“Just leave the penguins alone. If they really are “gay”, then you will break their hearts, I hear they mate for life, maybe not this species. They are also not going to want anything to do with a female so their goal of creating more African Penguins will result in nothing more then a longing male and an embittered female.” AndrewSix on time.com.

“Penguins mate for life!” Holy shit like everybody on every article a thousand times.



I’m sorry, Toronto Zoo but I’m going to have to side with the people that heard a single fact about penguins while absentmindedly watching the discovery channel one time which is why I will not rest until Canada allows gay penguins to marry.


Please, Canadian readers, call whatever your equivalent to a congressman is and tell them to vote yes on Prop 319 to allow gay penguin marriage. Buddy and Pedro deserve to be happy, endangered species be damned.