Tag Archives: farts

Let’s Talk About Farts and Rush Limbaugh Because They’re Pretty Much the Same Thing

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Okay, I promised you people a fart joke so let’s get that out of the way right now. True story, one time I farted into my smartphone when the voice texting was turned on to see what it would type and it actually typed “poop poop poop poop”. No lie. Thus concludes the hi-brow portion of today’s post.

Now, conservative radio host and former youngnotions advertising partner Rush Limbaugh recently puked this conspiracy theory into a microphone. He basically suggested that the villain Bane in the new Dark Knight Rises movie is a deliberate slam at Romney –


I will BREAK your company’s overhead expenses by shipping jobs to third world countries!





So what he’s saying is that the Obama campaign either asked, paid or forced Christopher Nolan to make the bad guy in the movie’s name sound like a company that the guy he’s running against used to work for. Fart.



I’m seriously offended by this accusation. Not as an Obama supporter, not as a rational, sane individual. I’m offended as a nerd.



Seriously. Bane’s been around for nearly 20 years! I had the comic where he broke Batman’s back when I was a kid!



Between Batman, Superman and Wolverine, the early ’90s was not kind to superheroes.





It’s not just the comic books, either. Bane has appeared in pretty much every non-comic incarnation of Batman since he first came around. You can’t avoid the guy –



cartoon Bane!





Cartoon S&M Bane!





Uh… we don’t talk about Schumacher Batman.





He’s everywhere!





Even if Rush didn’t know about a 19 year villain (and sometimes good guy) of one of the world’s most popular comics, three animated shows and a shitty movie, doesn’t he have people fact check for him? I feel like he’d have a person that he’d give his daily sheet of talking points or whatever to somebody and say “Oh hey can you just make sure none of these things sound incredibly stupid?” If he does already, he should fire that person. If not, I’ll happily take that job.



Seriously. I will fact check for Rush Limbaugh. This isn’t even a ploy to make him look stupid. I will totally fact check for Rush Limbaugh and do the best job I can because if he’s at least not sounding stupid we can spend more time focusing on what a lying asshole he is.



I’m going to see if there’s a jobs section on his website or something.

You Weirdos Will Never Stop Typing Crazy Shit Into Search Engines.

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Welcome back to the third installment of the seemingly ongoing series “The Things You Weridos Type Into Search Engines” where I take a look at the google searches that bring people to this blog. It’s one of my favorites to write and everytime I think something like “shitting while standing bad for health”can’t be topped, the next day I get “an evil sea creature for kids shark”. Let’s see what we got just in the last 30 days.


young and naive, gay and canadian
Searching for sex or the latest Bryan Adams album? Boom! Take that, Bryan Adams!


are most female gym teachers lesbians
I’m glad this person wasn’t so prejudiced that they’d ask google if ALL female gym teachers are lesbians, just most.


men playing with their uncircumcised penis
The whole uncircumcised penis thing has been a recurring theme since I did a blog about Foreskin Man but this exact wording got three hits in a week! I actually googled it, thinking the blog would show up on the first page but I couldn’t find it in the first 20 pages. Why are so many people searching so hard for this?


I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job and I can’t stop farting documentary
These were two different searches on two different days. I like to think that it’s the same guy. First he got fired from his job because he farted too much and then he wanted to make a movie about it.


if you are shot in the military are you still a veteran
…what? Did some veteran think his service was invalid because he was shot in the line of duty? If you’re still reading, person who typed this, yes. You’re still a veteran. I think you even get a medal of some sort. You should probably talk to a commanding officer about that.


shower, -meteor, -meteorite, -baby, -wedding, -curtain
Rock and roll! Cola wars! I can’t take it anymore!


perverted penguin drinking beer
… I don’t… what?


I could honestly do one of these every week and not run out of material.

p.s. hey other wordpress bloggers who follow me! Leave a comment with the weirdest search engine terms you’ve found in the stats! Challenge (takes off glove, slaps you in the motherfucking face with glove)!

Another Craigslist Job Posting!

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Hello, boys and girls! It’s time again for the craigslist job posting game! For those of you who haven’t read the previous posts, people post awful “talent” gigs on craigslist and I respond to them. It’s that simple!

Once again we go to the tv/film/video/radio jobs posting for some truely ridiculous low rent reality show fuckery.


MY STRANGE ADDICTION Now Casting! (MN/WI)

Date: 2011-11-11, 2:39PM CST

My Strange Addiction is searching for men and women with strange addictions, compulsive behaviors, and quirky habits or obsessions, who would like to share their stories on this documentary television series.

This program will explore how your addiction developed and how it has been impacting your life.

Your addiction may be serious, silly, strange, or embarrassing, but if it’s affecting your life, we’d like to help. All participants will be provided with professional medical and/or psychological insights, as best fits your situation.

If you or someone you know has a strange addiction, respond to this ad with your name, age, city/state, and a brief description of your addiction or behavior.

We understand that any addiction can be difficult to discuss, and we appreciate you sharing your story with us. All inquiries will be kept confidential. We hope to hear from you soon!





Here’s my response.


Hi. My name is Bill and I’m a 29 year old male living in Minneapolis.

I saw your ad in Craigslist asking for people with weird addictions and I’m not sure that this fits the classic terminology of “addiction” but my family has told me that I am very much addicted and in need of help. I’m a fartaholic.

I can’t stop farting. I refuse to. I fart all the time. I’m farting right now as I type this. I just think it feels good and it’s funny and I love the smell. I tailor my diet to encourage farting with what I call “the three Bs” (beans, broccoli and beer).

It’s destroying my home life. My family refuses to be in the same room as me most of the time and our heating bill is incredibly high since we need to keep a window open most of the time in the dead of winter. My job is at risk as well. I obviously don’t just fart around my coworkers in my office but I take so many restroom breaks to “let one rip” my manager has forced me to undergo drug testing because he thinks I’m sneaking off to do cocaine. I was too embarrassed to tell him the truth so I lied and said I only have one kidney and have to pee every hour.

It’s getting dangerous for me, too. I’ve started lighting my farts. It’s mesmerizing but my family’s afraid that I could get hurt. My daughter actually looked at me and said between sobs “Please don’t blow up daddy!” I don’t know what to do.

If you could help me or at least get my story out there so people like me could know they wouldn’t be alone I would be very grateful.


Oh man if I actually land this gig I may have to fart a little more than usual when the cameras are on me.

Hot Sauce Names.

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Let’s talk about hot sauce.


I was never a spicy foods person when I was younger. Growing up in a… Minnesotan household usually exposes you to only the blandest of foods. We never had much beyond mild salsa in our fridge and chili may as well have been spelled “chilly”. Only in the last couple of years have I started craving spicy foods. I hope I’m not pregnant.


It started with Cholula. I bought a bottle for taco night and liked it. I started putting it on other things. Hashbrowns, mac and cheese, pizza. I started to expand my horizons and got a bottle of Tapatio to change things up.


Eventually that wasn’t doing it for me. I was getting used to the heat. It barely registered. The Guns N’ Roses song “Mr. Brownstone” started finally making sense to me.


I’m currently on Sriracha. It’s replaced ketchup in my diet. I’d put it on ice cream if I thought it’d taste good.


Several months ago when I realized I was starting to build a tolerance to spice I searched the internet for different hot sauces and came across hotsauceworld.com. It had literally thousands of brands of hot sauce categorized by level of intensity. I checked the “hot” page and noticed that the names of these sauces followed three distinct themes.


S&M NAMES
Several sauces suggest that the reason you’re putting this on your food is because you get some sort of sexual pleasure out of it. The bottles usually have a picture of a woman in leather brandishing a whip because that’s why you eat tacos.

– Goddess of Fire
– Pain is Good
– Kiss of Fire
– Pleasure and Pain Rated XXX Hot Sauce


VAGUELY POLITICAL NAMES
You’ve got political opinions but how are you going to share them? Voting? Writing an op ed piece for your local newspaper? How about making your own hot sauce? Descriptions from the website included.

– PETA (People for Eating Tasty Animals) Hot Sauce: Where’s the beef… and the veal, pork and chicken too? And don’t forget the whale, dolphin, baby seal and Panda. Loving all God’s creatures next to my potatoes!

– The Final Countdown Hot Sauce (George W. Bush): 01-20-09 Poor Georgie boy. His days are numbered and the nation is counting them down. Help celebrate the countdown when America will regain it’s ability to actually think again in the year 2009.

– Teddy’s Sauced Hot Sauce: Get Ted’s new book “How to Navigate a bridge while under suspicion of being impaired and without a valid drivers license”.

– Hillary’s Diet Sauce: For use in place of health insurance! because this is all she is going to leave you with! Just Imagine Hillary Clinton as President!


PUTTING THIS ON FOOD AND EATING IT WILL MAKE YOUR BUTT HURT
This is by far the most popular method of naming hot sauce. The world’s hot sauce makers have literally used every synonym for rectal discomfort in the naming of their sauces. I think one is actually named rectal discomfort. This list doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of butthurt names

– Heiney Hurt
– Colon Cleaner
– Hog’s Ass
– Hemorrhoid Helper
– Wet Fart
– Fiery Fart
– Sphincter Shrinker
– Flaming Coon Ass
– Red Rectum
– Assplosion
– Bayou Butt Burner
– Weapons of Ass Destruction
– Rectal Revenge
– Rectum Ripper
– Butt Plug Relief
– Butt Twister
– Brenda’s Booty Burner
– Bubba’s Butt Blaster
– Rectal Rocket Fuel
– Reindeer Revenge (check the picture to see why this is a butt one)

If that doesn't make you hungry for hot sauce I don't know what would.


Thanks, hotsauceworld.com but I think I’ll stick with the Sriracha for now.