Tag Archives: farting

Dolls That Offend Sensitivities

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Some of you know that I have a weird, super weird fear. Walking, talking teddy bears. Teddy Ruxpin, the Charmin bear, Snuggles, the Care Bears…

When I say that to people, they give me this shocked look, like I just told them that the cuddly-est thing on earth freaks me out. Cause, well, I just did. Though most people will give me a pass for Teddy Ruxpin.

Creepy Fucker.

I seriously had to take a deep breath and prepare myself for the results of this Google image search. I mean, I had THOUSANDS of these creepy things looking at me. You people have no appreciation for what I do for you. You’re welcome.

A lot of people say “but what about the Care Bears? They do good things.” NO. No they don’t. I want you to think about this for a moment. There are these walking, talking teddy bears that look down on you from the clouds… watching you… and when they don’t like what you’re doing, they come down and SHOOT YOU WITH BEAMS THAT COME OUT OF THEIR STOMACHS and change you, making you do what THEY want you to do.

It’s like the religious right in cuddle form. And that doesn’t scare you?

Anyway, what brings all of this up for me is the newest craze in Korea. Kong Suni, the Farting doll.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/P8zT2vh6rB4]

That’s right. This doll will eat smileys, poop them out again, and fart when you rub her tummy. You can get the one that has the flush-able toilet to facilitate potty training. When I first read “Korean Farting Doll,” I thought it might be one of those weird sex dolls to fulfill awkward fetishes. I mean, Japan sells used panties in vending machines. Why not farting sex dolls?

The whole farting doll thing is, I think, an overall good idea. Dolls to facilitate learning. Teach potty training. Teach how to change a diaper (Fact: the first diaper I remember changing was Jared’s. I never had one of those fancy dolls to teach me how). Maybe they could make dolls to teach world peace, or tolerance of other cultures.

Or, they could make The Retarded Doll.

It’s ICE CREAM. Jeez.

No really. This is a thing. And I know the gut reaction is offense, but I want you to read the article and interview. This is a doll with cerebral palsy, created by a group that assists… oh god, what’s the term now? Not handicapped… disabled? Differently abled? Challenged? Special?

Look, I’m just as sensitive as the next person, but I really don’t know what the PC term is. Even though the doll is called the Retard doll, I have problems using it. I feel like that’s THEIR word. Because they’re different from me and need to be treated as such.

Point is, this doll does not offend me. It was made to challenge people’s conceptions of people with specific challenges that the rest of us, and educate us on how those conceptions limit and dehumanize them.

Do you know what does offend me? Creepy ass bears shooting me with their change beams, telling me I’m not good enough and have to become someone else. Now THAT’S fucking offensive.

You Weirdos Will Never Stop Typing Crazy Shit Into Search Engines.

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Welcome back to the third installment of the seemingly ongoing series “The Things You Weridos Type Into Search Engines” where I take a look at the google searches that bring people to this blog. It’s one of my favorites to write and everytime I think something like “shitting while standing bad for health”can’t be topped, the next day I get “an evil sea creature for kids shark”. Let’s see what we got just in the last 30 days.


young and naive, gay and canadian
Searching for sex or the latest Bryan Adams album? Boom! Take that, Bryan Adams!


are most female gym teachers lesbians
I’m glad this person wasn’t so prejudiced that they’d ask google if ALL female gym teachers are lesbians, just most.


men playing with their uncircumcised penis
The whole uncircumcised penis thing has been a recurring theme since I did a blog about Foreskin Man but this exact wording got three hits in a week! I actually googled it, thinking the blog would show up on the first page but I couldn’t find it in the first 20 pages. Why are so many people searching so hard for this?


I can’t stop farting and it’s affecting my job and I can’t stop farting documentary
These were two different searches on two different days. I like to think that it’s the same guy. First he got fired from his job because he farted too much and then he wanted to make a movie about it.


if you are shot in the military are you still a veteran
…what? Did some veteran think his service was invalid because he was shot in the line of duty? If you’re still reading, person who typed this, yes. You’re still a veteran. I think you even get a medal of some sort. You should probably talk to a commanding officer about that.


shower, -meteor, -meteorite, -baby, -wedding, -curtain
Rock and roll! Cola wars! I can’t take it anymore!


perverted penguin drinking beer
… I don’t… what?


I could honestly do one of these every week and not run out of material.

p.s. hey other wordpress bloggers who follow me! Leave a comment with the weirdest search engine terms you’ve found in the stats! Challenge (takes off glove, slaps you in the motherfucking face with glove)!

Another Craigslist Job Posting!

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Hello, boys and girls! It’s time again for the craigslist job posting game! For those of you who haven’t read the previous posts, people post awful “talent” gigs on craigslist and I respond to them. It’s that simple!

Once again we go to the tv/film/video/radio jobs posting for some truely ridiculous low rent reality show fuckery.


MY STRANGE ADDICTION Now Casting! (MN/WI)

Date: 2011-11-11, 2:39PM CST

My Strange Addiction is searching for men and women with strange addictions, compulsive behaviors, and quirky habits or obsessions, who would like to share their stories on this documentary television series.

This program will explore how your addiction developed and how it has been impacting your life.

Your addiction may be serious, silly, strange, or embarrassing, but if it’s affecting your life, we’d like to help. All participants will be provided with professional medical and/or psychological insights, as best fits your situation.

If you or someone you know has a strange addiction, respond to this ad with your name, age, city/state, and a brief description of your addiction or behavior.

We understand that any addiction can be difficult to discuss, and we appreciate you sharing your story with us. All inquiries will be kept confidential. We hope to hear from you soon!





Here’s my response.


Hi. My name is Bill and I’m a 29 year old male living in Minneapolis.

I saw your ad in Craigslist asking for people with weird addictions and I’m not sure that this fits the classic terminology of “addiction” but my family has told me that I am very much addicted and in need of help. I’m a fartaholic.

I can’t stop farting. I refuse to. I fart all the time. I’m farting right now as I type this. I just think it feels good and it’s funny and I love the smell. I tailor my diet to encourage farting with what I call “the three Bs” (beans, broccoli and beer).

It’s destroying my home life. My family refuses to be in the same room as me most of the time and our heating bill is incredibly high since we need to keep a window open most of the time in the dead of winter. My job is at risk as well. I obviously don’t just fart around my coworkers in my office but I take so many restroom breaks to “let one rip” my manager has forced me to undergo drug testing because he thinks I’m sneaking off to do cocaine. I was too embarrassed to tell him the truth so I lied and said I only have one kidney and have to pee every hour.

It’s getting dangerous for me, too. I’ve started lighting my farts. It’s mesmerizing but my family’s afraid that I could get hurt. My daughter actually looked at me and said between sobs “Please don’t blow up daddy!” I don’t know what to do.

If you could help me or at least get my story out there so people like me could know they wouldn’t be alone I would be very grateful.


Oh man if I actually land this gig I may have to fart a little more than usual when the cameras are on me.