As many of you know this isn’t my first blog. I’ve often reposted stuff from my old myspace blog when I’m too busy/sick/hungover to come up with something new but that was not my first blog either. Way back in the early aughts I had a livejournal account.

Back in 2004 when blogs were still a thing people read, I loved reading stuff from people like Tucker Max and Maddox. Their influence on my early writing is pretty plain to see (as you’ll soon find out). As a young comedian who just started getting some paid work and was still new at the whole “being able to drink” legally thing, I started posting stories about my grand escapades of getting wasted and yelling at people that I thought were dumber than me because they liked country music or something. Frankly, I was kind of a douchebag.

I’ve held onto a lot of the early stuff I’ve written because even though I’m a bit embarrassed by it, there’s still some funny in there and it provides a bit of a snapshot of my life at the time. Here’s something I wrote over 7 years ago. I flirted with chopping out some of the stuff that makes me seem like a pretentious asshole but I ultimately decided to leave it completely unedited for you, the three people that will read this, so you can see what my writing was like back then.

THE DRUNK HECKLER: A ONE ACT PLAY WRITTEN BY ALCOHOL

(Scene: Grumpy’s open mic, Wednesday. An otherwise fine open mic was interrupted sporadically by two drunks in the front booth. One, some longhair, was obviously drunker than the other, as I saw him fall into the wall in the bathroom. He stumbles out the bar shortly after the show is over and is not seen for the rest of the night. His friend {heretofore known as HECKLER} exclaims “Aw, he does that shit all the time! He’ll end up at home sooner or later!” and proceeds to buy Brody, Lizzy, Mitch and myself shots. Lizzy and Brody break off into their own conversation, leaving Mitch and I stranded. Mitch leaves roughly 15 minutes after this happens, leaving only HECKLER and myself. The following is a series of excerpts from the conversation we had starting at 11:30 P.M. and ending at 1:00 A.M. when I finally convinced Brody to leave.)
(Note: Some of you may question while reading the story “Why didn’t Bill just say something really mean/funny to the jackass and leave?”. Three reasons.

1. I like Grumpy’s. The food, staff and open mic are all great. I don’t want to cause a scene by yelling at this fuck and not be welcome back.

2. I didn’t drive that night. Brody was my ride and I still haven’t forgiven him for trapping me with said fuck.

3. The fuck was buying us round after round of free drinks. Don’t judge me.)

HECKLER: No, man! You were really funny tonight! That shit was hilarious! I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to… you know,

ME: Yell shit out in the middle of our jokes?

HECKLER: Yeah! I’m sorry about that! I’m really, I’m sorry, OK? I won’t do it again! I just didn’t know, you know?

ME: Well, now you know.

HECKLER: Yeah! And I’m sorry! You were funny, though! You were one of the funnier ones who were… You were awesome man! That joke you did about the beer bottle thing with the… with the…

ME: The ruffie joke?

HECKLER: Yeah! That’s how I know where… that was awesome, man! I’m gonna do that sometime!

ME: What, rape someone?

HECKLER: What? No, I should do the comedy thing sometime! I’m a funny guy! I don’t care what anybody says, I think I’m a really funny guy! I think I’m funny… and I could do comedy. I really do!

ME: You should try it sometime. It’s pretty easy.

HECKLER:… … You don’t like me, do you?

ME: Not really.

HECKLER: And that’s okay! At least you’re being honest with me! Not like sideburns over here (half heartedly shoves Brody, who has had his back to us the whole conversation, Brody turns to us) Man, those are some wicked sideburns. Let me buy you guys another drink!
(elapsed time, 30 minutes)

HECKLER: So I think I’m a funny guy, right? I can do this! It’s like the time I got a D.U.I. and had to go to court. All because I had two beers in an hour! The judge mad me pay a three thousand dollar fine! Two beers in AN HOOOUR! That’s fucked up, man! Can you believe that shit?

ME: (poking Brody in the back) Wow, that’s fucked up.

HECKLER: I know! Wait, hold on (he holds his finger up to me, tilts his head to the radio) I fucking love this song! (he proceeds to air drum)

ME: (noticing he’s momentarily distracted, but in on Brody and Lizzy’s conversation) Hey guys.

LIZZY: I’m sorry, Bill. We’re having a very spiritual conversation.

ME: Really? Me too. Can we go now?

HECKLER: (with the song over, stops drumming) Hey, let’s do some shots!
(elapsed time, 60 minutes)

HECKLER: Did you see the drumming, man? I used to, used to be in a band! It was fucking rad, man. We would tour and shit! Oh, and the pussy! Chicks dig it when you’re in a band, man. That was great. (stares off in the distance for about ten seconds, probably remembering when he was cool) Do you guys get any chicks with the comedy, man?

ME: No. Never.

HECKLER: Man. That sucks. You should be in a band! Fuckin’ jammin (starts to air drum again).

ME: (poking Brody in the back) Hey. Hey. Hey. (Brody and Lizzy both turn around).

HECKLER: Let me buy you guys another drink! (to Lizzy) You were really funny tonight!

LIZZY: Oh thank you!

HECKLER: You’re really pretty. You know that?

LIZZY: Oh… thank you.

HECKLER: But you know who’s really pretty? This guy! Just look at those sideburns! (strokes Brody’s sideburns)

BRODY: (gives me the “we should leave now” look)

ME: (gives Brody the “we should have left a fucking hour ago” look)
(elapsed time, 90 minutes)
(Approx. 1:00 A.M. Brody and I are in the parking lot walking toward his car)

BRODY: Dude, I’m sorry that took so long.

ME: Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.